Attack Of The The Eye-Babies

Over at his blog today, Michael Medved reminds us all that guns are forkillin’, and marriage is for baby-makin‘…

Marital Intercourse: Uniquely Intimate, Uniquely SignificantThe act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is the only human interaction capable of producing offspring, and therefore enjoys recognition in every culture as the most significant form of intimacy. Gay couples, as well as heterosexual partners, may engage in other erotic contact but this affection can’t count as consequential or as serious as intercourse.

When married people hump, they mean business!

Society and law rightly give unique weight to this one form of physical contact…

…while withholding government sanction for other forms of physical contact such as Dutch Rubs, Wet Willies, and spontaneous games of “Got Your Nose!”

…and pay less attention to other forms of affection or pleasure.

Otherwise, women would marry their vibrators, and men like Michael would have no choice but to court a box turtle or a beagle.

What, after all, does it mean to “consummate” a same sex marriage?

Not that I’m an expert, but this sounds an awful like an opening line from a Falcon Studios video, such as Dare, or Greased…

Michael Medved:  I tell you, Eryk, this whole gay marriage thing has me so confused…I mean, how would two guys even consummate a marriage?

Eryk Eberhard-Faber:  Well I’m glad you asked me that, Michael — Oh, hang on, someone’s at the door…Hey, it’s 9 guys named Chad!  What a coincidence!  C’mon in, fellas, Mike and I were just talking…

We know how to define “virgin” in heterosexual terms…

…but what, exactly, does that designation mean for lesbians or gay males?

And most important of all, how do we preserve our sons’ and daughters’ ocular virginity?!  Via TBogg:

…a student at Pensacola who withdrew in 1997, was disciplined for what is known on the campus as “optical intercourse” — staring too intently into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex. This is also referred to as “making eye babies.”

“Don’t look at it, Marion!  Whatever you do, keep your eyes shut!  Don’t look–!

Awww, crap!

Posted by scott on June 27th, 2008