The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bite Me, Park Service

With both Sadly, No! and Crooks and Liars apparently suffering the slings and arrows of outraged Michelle Malkin stalkers, we were feeling a bit left out, and wanted to get in on some of that sweet, sweet, Denial of Service action.  Specifically, we were curious to see if we could find some –or really, any — images that would help to substantiate or refute the wingnut claims that 30,000 would-be warriors attended the Gathering of Eagles counter-demonstration in Washington, D.C.  Naturally, I was inclined to declare that it was a figure randomly fished from Kristinn Taylor’s anus, except I’m pretty sure that Kristinn Taylor was a girl I dated in my junior year of high school (dirty blonde hair, as I recall, about 5’7″, good in field hockey, vice president of the Latin Club) and I don’t like to kiss and tell.  However, after an adroit bit of Googling, we discovered, to our astonishment, incontrovertible photographic evidence that supports the GoE’s claims:

A Gathering of Fleagles.
You can just make out the Washington Monument in the background, proving beyond a doubt that literally thousands of Fleagles (many of them wielding felt tongues and Fender Telecasters) gathered to defend the somber black granite monument that honors those brave souls who gave their lives in combat on Danger Island.  Dr. Hayden.  Link.  Chongo.  The list goes on.  What dirty hippie would dare approach this hallowed ground and let fly with their urine bombs and Silly String, knowing they must first fight their way through an army of Saturday Morning mascots voiced by Paul Winchell?
To paraphrase Henry V on St. Crispin’s Day:

One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana, Four
Four Bananas make a bunch, and so do many more.

And so do many more.  And so….do many more.
The last part about Henry V on St. Crispin’s Day works soooo much better if you imagine it with Richard Burton’s voice!
“Don’t talk about our Fleagle, Martha.”
Well, much as I hate to indulge in a cliché…
Heh.
Indeed!
UHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOHH Chongo!!!
More lies and manipulation from the Left! Those are not Fender guitars; they’re Gibsons, probably ES-137s! Fender is not the guitar of the silent majority. Gibson is!
Amazing…
absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
defend your enemy
call yourself a patriot
but work against your country
.
I can’t exactly where I saw it (possibly on TBogg or Sadly, No) but the most priceless slag on GoE was from a commenter who referred them as “Blathering of Smeagols.”
Perfect: Three words that manage to encapsulate both their primary activity and their appearance!
Dude, this is how factual error is slowly creeping onto the Internet and giving it a bad name. The ES-137 wasn’t introduced until the 1990s. Check out that weird, curving, Eurotrash tone-button baseplate, which matches Droopy’s Vox teardrop. Now, I’ve never actually seen a Vox teardrop with a curving Eurotrash tone-button plate, but then I’m no expert. Could be a Vox-knockoff, maybe a Framus, but they weren’t real big sellers here. Anyway, a Gibson it ain’t.
Doghouse Riley,
“The ES-137 wasn’t introduced until the 1990s.”
Even more proof that the Banana Bunch was ahead of its time.
“Banana Bunch”? That would be the Banana Splits….man….what a philistine.
I’ll stick with Flock of Seagulls.
30,000 New Wavers with crested wave hairstles would drive those little doggies right back to the abatoirs of Kansas City.
Curses! Foiled by Doghouse Riley, who actually knows what he’s talking about and checked the original image.
Coming up next… The Arabian Knights. Just make sure NOT to pull the little donkey’s tail.
Doghouse Riley, who actually knows what he’s talking about…
Or alternately is a guy with too much time on his hands, a taste for vintage guitars that overmatches his budget, and a link to this guy’s site.
One wingnut who comments regularly at Talkleft when all else fails likes to invoke the cliche “Eagles don’t flock”.
Guess this really proves him right, in a strange way.
Heh. My brother was at the protest, said he felt sorry for them.
“I felt kind of bad for them—it was such a small group of people, with no direction or focus.”
The Park Service rep GOE spoke to is the guy who picks up trash with a sharp stick. He says every piece of trash= 100 people. The GOE’s are very slovenly.
PS: to SZ. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your email. I was embarassed and couldn’t think of anything to say. Now I have a throat & ear infection. My sister says I should gargle with hot water & cayenne powder, tho she counseled against pouring it in my ear. Anyone here ever try the gargling? Sounds painful. -Kathy in Sparks Nevada
Scott & Co… I was so tranfixed by the the graphic I have no idea what your post is about.
But as child in the UK the Banana Bunch was a favorite of mine and Felagle was definetly the star. Not as subversive as the home-grown “Magic Roundabout” but somehow sharper than “the Monkees”. None held a candle to Batman of course (even as an 8-year old I got the irony and camp of that series) but I;m glad to see Fleagle being resurrected without the expected mange. Well done!
Never mind that this comment has nothing to do with anything
Where have I been all my life that I’ve never even heard of the Fleagles?
The main squeeze is a luthier, and if he’d ever get up from his nap I’d ask him to take a look at those guitars… but being a guitar builder, he needs his rest. Okay, he does have a day job, but, well, ya know how ’tis…
Kathy, I hear you can put oil of clove in your ear, just a small amount, and it will help. But consider this advice issued with a disclaimer blah blah no medical license blah blah.
I found much of GoE’s Mission Statement eloquent and inspiring. Agreed, memorials to fallen soldiers are hallowed ground. So I hope GoE will treat hack politicians (regardless of party) who use them for photo ops to prop up knee-jerk campaigns with the same venom and contempt as they showed the war protesters.
I don’t agree with GoE that you can’t support troops and oppose a war at the same time. If you support troops, you realize that well trained young men and women who are in top physical condition and willing to fight and die for you are a precious national resource, not to be squandered on some asinine misadventure forced on the American public through a slick media campaign.
There are also several lovely statements in there about defending freedom. Though not laid out in the mission statement, their actions and their members’ posts say loud and clear that the way you defend America’s freedoms is by drowning out people you disagree with. But then again, how many groups (political, religious) really live up to their mission statements after all?
One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Coming on to bring you the Banana Splits show
Making up a mess of fun, Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Four banana, three banana, two bananas, one
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun,
Flipping like a pancake, popping like a cork,
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and, Snork
Making up a mess of fun, Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
(background singer – La—–aaah!)
Two Banana, four banana, one banana, three
Swinging like a bunch of monkeys hanging from a tree
Hey there everybody won’t you come along and see
How much like Banana Splits everyone can be
Making up a mess of fun, Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Boy, that takes me back.
Back in the early seventies, I wrote a high school newspaper obit for Snork, in which I “finally” revealed the troo fax surrounding the band’s breakup, which, as is common knowledge now, was primarily due to the deeply troubled felt elephant’s ultimately fatal coke addiction.
Piece pretty much wrote itself, what with that big raggedy looking hooter of his, nose candy refs, and the easy ones about internal splits in the ‘splits.
That guitar just might be a Guild Starfire III.

The Hollywood Report with Maryc

Dateline: Hollywood! Grocery Store: Rock and Roll Ralph’s on Sunset! Why: Because we are out of food! Who: Samantha Bee!

How: I was taking my groceries to Cody The cool PT Cruiser (Tom Servo in Commando Cody: “That’s a cool car. That’s a cool Cody car.”) when an SUV pulled into the spot next to mine! An attractive and petite woman hopped out of the SUV and we glanced at each other. I thought, “Gee. She looks like Samantha Bee.” She proceeded to take a stroller out of her car and we glanced at each other again, so I said: “You know, you look a lot like Samantha Bee”. To which she replied, “Well, I am Samantha Bee!”, and as soon as she spoke, I knew it was really Samantha Bee. I shook her hand and told her how much we loved her on the Daily Show and she thanked me very appreciatively.

I then continued to put the bags into the back of my car, while she took her daughter, Piper, out the car seat and did a baby talk thingy while jiggling Piper about. I drove off, and I’m guessing she went grocery shopping because they were out of food, too.

So. There you have it. If you come to Hollywood, CA., don’t buy a map to the stars home! If you want to see stars, go grocery shopping at Rock and Roll Ralph’s on Sunset!

PS-according to the Liberal Wikipedia, she could be in town to shoot a pilot, or to pick up some Bumble Bee Chunk White Tuna: 10 for $10.
Or some Aunt Jemima Syrup™, some Kaiser™ broiler foil and a pair of blunt scissors! Ha ha!
(Somebody was gonna say it sooner or later.)
That’s a good price for tuna. Water or oil?
[...]while she took her daughter, Piper, out the car seat and did a baby talk thingy while jiggling Piper about.
Gaaasssssppp!!! Oh, NOES!1!! A BABY-SHAKER!!!1! Well, everyone will be happy to know that I immediately called California Child Protective Services and turned this evil, so-called “celebrity” in! Yeppers!!
[crickets]
Umm….
.
.
Did I do something bad again?
If you want to see stars, go grocery shopping at Rock and Roll Ralph’s on Sunset!
Hah! I once came across Newt Gingrich, in San Francisco, of all places. (Yes, he really looks like an SOB.)
Tuna 10 cans for 10 bucks??!!?? If I send you $100 will you ship some back to me???
Rocknroll Ralphs is a good option, but for real celeb spotting across all categories, I recomend the Marina Safeway in SF.
The Safeway in Blackhawk is a good option too – and they have live entertainment…
mikey
Let’s hope the pilot won’t squander her talent’s like “the Winner” is Rob Corddry’s.
Why would Samantha Bee want to shoot a pilot? Too much turbulence on her flight? There’s really not much they can do about that, you know.
I have seen some crazy sh*t at that Ralph’s on Sunset….

This Interspecies Sex Brought To You By David Broder

“And the wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.”

And the parakeet shall ear-hump the cat.  Bi-partisanship takes a giant leap forward, overshoots wildly, and winds up dazed and confused in a live sex show at a Tijuana petting zoo.

Click here.

Anyone watching this, stick around to the end. It’s only moderately amusing at first. Then, the boid really starts going to town on the katz’s ear. It’s cloacular!
I laughed. I cried. I sharted.
A-hah! I *knew* there were other Hoffmania readers here!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!
Excellent, Scott!
wa sit this lady’s bird??
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=17468
so when does he get to the Holy HandGrenade of Antioch bit?
“And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals…”
What’s the deal with posting once a week? I’m easily bored, and I’m about to take this off my favorites list if things don’t start happening!
I appreciate that everybody’s got problems, but please, explain them, or post, for crying out loud. I need the fix. This can not stand. I have not yet begun to fight. Mission accomplished. A Ford truck made of wood chips. See what you’re doing to me? Post, or my cat gets brushed, twice.

Happy Birthday Bill S!

In honor of your special day, here’s a full-front nude study of Corporal “Rod Majors” Sanchez with his “11-inch monster.”

“Green Acres is the place to be”

“This is not what I meant when I asked you to give me head!
I don’t know…looks like he was caught trying to take a dump in the barn and decided to cover by shooting a sultry look. That’s just odd.
DAMMIT SCOTT!!! I just KNEW that you’d have to top my male-stripper-by-mail gift to Bill…
And I wanna see a measuring tape upside of Darth Cheney’s head, ’cause while it is warrior-like, fearsome and creepy as a motherfucker, I seriously doubt that it amounts to a full 11 inches. No, the jowls don’t count in a proper measure, neither do the retractable horns.
At any rate, well done, ya bastid, and much love and lovely young-but-legal houspets to Bill, hopefully where one is a licensed masseur and the other does toe-curling scalp massages. You deserve the best, Bill!
And for fuck’s sake, I *KNOW* that I closed that fucking bold tag!!!
Fuck it, blame it on the lunesta. Hell, with the dragon-breath and short-shift sleep endurance, they ought to take the blame for SOMETHING.
Now, Bill, aren’t you glad that I’m not there to help you blow out the candles? Although I have had my fun with melted candles… heh heh heh…
Damn, but Corp. Sanchez’s nutsack is badly infected and swollen! Must be a fierce case of teh cra–
–oh, wait–
[blush]
Uhhh… nemmine that!
So! Happy Birfday, Bill S! Now, tell us truthfully. How many Corp. Sanchez vids and DVDs do you have kicking about at casa de Bill? [my uneducated guess is "5."]
Happy Birthday, Bill!
Though I think it would have been better if you shopped Dr. Mike’s head on the picture, because Bill’s a big fan.
Many thanks to all of you. :)
As for the picture, nice work, scott-you covered up one enormous prick with another (and if Rod had his back to the camera…)
Oh, and Marq, I dunno, let me go check.
[Goes into next room to look through private, not to-be-displayed-the-living-room DVD collection...]
[...returns hours later.]
NONE.
Actually, that only took a minute to figure out, but I was distracted.
Happy birthday, Bill. As your present, I’ve decided to graft whatever sort of hangover you were planning on having onto my migraine, so, you know, party freely. But designate a driver, because I’m not doing the drunk bits of your celebration, only the head-pounding, furry-tongue, lights-too-bright, joints-aching, three-tries-to-hit-the-snooze-button, the-air-molecules-hitting-my-skin-are-
making-the-most-ungodly-noise, where-the-hell-did-*that*-come-from, vowing-never-to-drink-again-
and-this-time-I-mean-it parts.
Wait, you don’t suppose he calls that thing The Little Corporal, do you?
Many happy returns, Bill.
I’m sure he calls it what everyone else does – a big Dick.
Birthday cheers, Bill!
Ugliest dick I’ve ever seen, and I used to work in the Ramrod…
Wait, you don’t suppose he calls that thing The Little Corporal, do you?
nah, I’m sure he calls it what everyone else does, his “Shooter”
and many happy returns on the day
Happy B-day Bill!
That would probably clear up if he switched to boxers.
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILL S.
YOU’RE ONE OF THE BEST !!!
i know ;)
Happy birthday, Bill S, you old pervnert.
OLD?!!!
And, he misspelled “prevert,” too!
HaHa, there is a dick between his legs, and his name is Dick,

Law & Order: White House Wingnut Unit

We may have to change our endorsement for official World o’Crap Republican Presidential nominee (sorry, Bob “Starfighter” Dornan), because it seems that D.A. Cornpone may be running.  WorldNetDaily has the story:
Actor Fred Thompson, star of the NBC crime drama is seriously considering a run for the White House.
“I’m giving some thought to it. Going to leave the door open,” Thompson, a former U.S. senator from Tennessee, said on “Fox News Sunday.” [...]
 ”Fred was a great conservative in the Senate and a heck of an actor,” said WND reader Bob Morris. “Can we say ‘Ronald Reagan’?”
Um, sure.  We can even say it three times while looking in a mirror, if it will make you think that Thompson can be the zombie Ronald Reagan you’ve been looking for — but it still won’t make Thompson a good actor.
On the issues, Thompson says he:
Opposes gun control. “You check my record. You’ll find I’m pretty consistent on that issue.”
And if you check the L&O archives, I think you will find several eps where he told outraged family members that if they didn’t think they got justice from the courts, they should get a gun and shoot a perp on the courthouse steps.  (Well, I don’t have any transcripts where he actually says that, but somebody must be doing it, because about once a month an ep ends this way.)
Opposes same-sex marriage, but would let states decide on civil unions. “Marriage is between a man and a woman, and judges shouldn’t be allowed to change that.”
Opposes abortion. “I think Roe vs. Wade was bad law and bad medical science. And the way to address that is through good judges. I don’t think the court ought to wake up one day and make new social policy for the country. It’s contrary to what it’s been the past 200 years.”\
Opposes abolition. ”Slavery is between a master and his property, and the government shouldn’t be allowed to change that.  I don’t think judges and legislators ought to wake up one day and make new social policy for the country.  It’s contrary to what it’s been for the past 2000 years.  And don’t get me started about women being allowed to vote!”
Supports President Bush’s troop surge in Iraq. “Wars are full of mistakes. You rectify things. I think we’re doing that now.”
Yes, you rectify things by doing more of the same, as explained by the law of “throwing good soldiers after bad.”
Supports an immediate pardon for former White House Aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby. “This is a trial that never would have been brought in any other part of the world. This is a miscarriage of justice. One man and his wife and 14-year-old and 10-year-old children are bearing the brunt of a political maelstrom here that produced something that never should have come about.”
Why is it always the 10-year-old children who must suffer after one of Dick Cheney’s political maelstroms?  What kind of a country is this, when a man’s children and wife have to be embarassed by his conviction after he commits perjury and obstruction of justice?  Gad, sir, this goes against basic decency!

Anyway, as I said before, I think the Scooter trial will make a great L&O ep.  While I still like the idea of the ripped-from-the-headlines Dick Cheney shooting the defendant in the court room before Scooter can rat him out, it might be nice to go with a more poignant version.  You know, maybe it could involve a loyal aide being offered up to a bloodthirsty jury, all because a screwed-up system allows the media to report on stuff, and liberals to vote — and the consequences involve innocent children bearing the brunt of maelstroms, and young girls being forced to have sex with bears.  No, wait, that would be the “Special Victims Unit” version of the story.

But for now, you can go to the WorldNetDaily: Daily Poll and vote for whether or not Fred Thompson” should run for president?   Early returns show that the wingnuts think that he should.  Here are the top responses:
Yes, he’s the closest thing to Ronald Reagan of all the candidates thus far 33.33% (75)
Yes, I agree with Thompson’s policies more than I do any of the other White House wannabes 24.00% (54)
Yes, he has the star power and the right philosophy to go all the way 12.89% (29)
Yes, he would instantly become the frontrunner in the GOP field 10.67% (24)
BTW, I had to select “other” because my response, “Yes, because maybe then Dick Wolf would be forced to hire a decent actor for the D.A. role,” is not one of the choices. 

But, if Fred decides not to run for President, maybe he can run for Attorney General, since it seems that lawmakers on both sides are demanding that Alberto Gonzales be fired.

The New York Sun offers a brief and somewhat white-washed summary of the issues.  Here is an interesting bit, which explains why a federal prosecutor was reportedly fired — it seems that he didn’t prosecute local Democrats fast enough.
McClatchy Newspapers reported Saturday that the chairman of the Republican Party in New Mexico, Allen Weh, said he complained to the White House twice about the chief federal prosecutor in that state, David Iglesias. Some Republicans were upset that Mr. Iglesias was moving too slowly on a corruption investigation of local Democrats.
Mr. Weh said his first complaint, in 2005, was to an aide to President Bush’s top political adviser, Karl Rove. The second conversation was directly with Mr. Rove at a White House event in 2006, the state party official said.
“It wasn’t that Iglesias wasn’t looking out for Republicans. He just wasn’t doing his job, period,” Mr. Weh told the newspaper chain. Mr. Iglesias has defended his record and said he resisted political pressure to indict Democrats before the 2006 election.
Well, I can see Mr. Weh’s point.  After all, why do you go to the bother of having a Republican House, Senate, and White House, if you can’t get your political enemies indicted in a timely fashion?  And when the system fails you, and you have a beef with how your federal prosecutor isn’t doing his job and indicting local Democrats in time for the elections, then of course you take it up with the man in charge of DOJ witch hunts, Mr. Karl Rove.  It all makes perfect sense!

Later in the story we learn that a White House spokesman “referred questions about Mr. Rove’s alleged involvement in the dismissals of the New Mexico prosecutor to the Justice Department.”  I’m assuming that said spokesman then told the reporter that he should take all complaints to former Attorney General Ashcroft, and then hinted that Scooter Libby was the one who fired the prosecutor.  Then the spokesman reminded the reporter that the first rule of White House Press Corps is that nobody talks about the White House, and reminded him that Mr. Rove was in Austria during the war.

But firing prosecutors for political reasons, to include firing people just to let Republican appointees take their jobs, is not thing Alberto is taking heat for — there’s also the “FBI Gone Wild, Spring-Break From the Constitution” thing.
On Friday, Mr. Gonzales came under fire on a second front, regarding alleged misuse of administrative subpoenas which do not require judicial approval and are known as national security letters. A report by the Justice Department’s inspector general found that the FBI sometimes issued the letters without proper authority, obtained data beyond what the law permits, and failed to include more than 8,000 of the information demands in statistics provided to Congress.
Senator Specter of Pennsylvania, the top Republican on the Judiciary Committee, had raised the possibility that Mr. Gonzales might depart his post soon, but appearing on CBS yesterday, Mr. Specter stopped short of calling for the former White House counsel’s firing. […[
However, Mr. Specter said Congress was likely to rein in the FBI’s subpoena power. “It has been very badly abused,” he said.
Yes, I’m sure Congress and the White House are shocked, SHOCKED to learn that after they allowed local FBI officials to write their own subpoenas, the FBI went ahead and abused this power.  Who’d have imagined that such a thing could take place (and maybe institute some oversight or something)?!?  Yeah, those villains Ida No and Not Me.

Okay, now it’s time for a little trip down memory lane — remember when President Bush chided us for not buying the new and improved “Super Duper Patriot Act,” and assured us of the following?
“Every action in the Patriot Act requires a court order, before the government can move.  In other words, your rights are protected…We need to extend the Patriot Act, with the constitutional safeguards for our U.S. citizens.”
Ah, good times, good times.  We were so innocent then.

Anyway, I hope Fred does decide to run for President – but if he doesn’t, maybe Serena is available.  After all, I think she supported gun control in one of the eps — and she couldn’t act either.

I was surprised for a few seconds to discover that Fred’s views on abortion and gay marriage are virtually word-for-word from L&O dialogue. And then I thought, “Well, of course they are. It’s the party of boys playing Global Conquest in their sandboxes.” Then I got over it. Well, not really, but that story seemed like it needed closure.
Aw, Fred isn’t that bad an actor, given that L&O has a distinct style that they force their actors to assume (I’ve been up for more than one role).
Dick Wolf has, shall we say, a…specific way of viewing how his words should be said, and doesn’t really cotton to the word “but”…
That said, Fred Thompson seemed perfect for the role, based on his stellar emoting in “Hunt For Red October”, “Baby’s Day Out”, and “Aces: Iron Eagle III”.
Oh. And the US Senate.
The reader’s attention is again directed to Senator Fred Doolin Dalton Thompson, chairman of the Governmental Affairs committee as it fearlessly investigated China’s attempts to influence the 1996 US elections. The reader is reminded that every time U. S. Senator Thompson said something you could see Don Nickles’ mouth move. And that the hearings ended abruptly just as Haley Barbour was scheduled to take the stand and take Don Nickles down with him. U. S. Senator Fred Doolin Dalton Thompson wound up holding the leaky colostomy bag on that one. Yup, real Presidential timber. I too think he’d make a fine Reagan, if by that you mean a none-too-bright shill for Republican money interests with just enough acting ability to convince the Red Meat pinheads he’s on their side.
He also thinks all judges should be ordained Baptist ministers. He can recite all the 10 commandments (thats a lot of ‘m’s), but he blushes when he get’s to the “Neighbor’s Ass” part. Heh indeed.
Thompson’s a decent actor, although it probably helps that, by all accounts, he’s playing himself in L&O. As a politician, I’ve always heard that he was an image-obsessed asshole, so the ‘wingers will probably love him.
Let me get this right, Fred: judges shouldn’t be allowed to change that…
…the way to address that is through good judges.
No, never mind; I know exactly what kind of shit you’re peddling.
Say, wasn’t Fred Thompson in one of the Die Hard movies? Let’s see. Yep, in the second one, where he played someone called… Trudeau. Gary, or Pierre Elliot, I’m not sure.
Fred.
Pfft.
Fuck Fred.
And Chili Bean?
It’ll be easy to “let him go” — he’s done all of the evil that they wanted him to do, he’s already usurped the Constitution and institutionalized corporate raiding as the “purpose” of this country. His work here is done. Now he can retire to a lovely estate in the country and sit back as his residuals & stock dividends roll in.
They threw Libby under the bus, Cheney continues to do his ‘Round The World Tour (as he sets things up & leaves a lovely fruit basket for Halliburton’s CEO in the Secret Lair in Dubai) to skip daintily away from any whisper of a subpoena, what do they care if Chili Bean has to sacrifice his federal parking space? Their enemies have been smote (smited?), their money has been tripled, it’s allllll goooood, bay-bee!
The machine rolls on, Cheney continues to court the moneyed motherfuckers who want to destroy the middle east (well, except for Saudi & the Emirates — they’re DIFFERENT from all of those unclean, raghead TARRISTS, dontcha know — they’re GOOD FAMILY PEOPLE!), and Dumbya stumbles through the day, assured that he’s still got the biggest dick in the room. Karl Rove is still “untouchable,” as if no one’s ever even CONSIDERED the idea of prosecuting Rasputin himself, and 98 different republicunt candidates still get better individual press coverage than all of the democrats combined.
As you were. Whatever you do, don’t look behind the curtain.
Fred Thompson for president. Right. Pull the other one. I don’t give a rat’s ass where he bought his law degree, that guy’s just this side of Quayle when it comes to the intelligence needed to run this country. Sure, he LOOKS more “capable” and “mature” than Dumbya, but then, so does the guy who sprays for mosquitos around here. HE’S DOING THE FUNDRAISER FOR SCOOTER’S DEFENSE FUND, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!! Either Fred’s so far out of the republicunt inner circle’s loop that he has no concept of what the fuck is going on, or he’s just flat-out fucking nuts. Yeah, Scooter needs help. Poor thang. Jes’ pitiful.
If many more people announce, it’s going to start looking like the CA recall election. Sad to say, it already does a little bit.
You know what? What the hell–I’m forming my own exploratory committee. We meet Thursdays and my daughter’s boyfriend is buying. Drop by if you’re in town.
Poor Tommy Thompson is in big trouble now trying to run for president against a guy with the same name. Fred may not have much to offer as a presidential candidate, but at least his sonorous baritone is easier to tolerate than Tommy’s nasal Cheesehead drone.
Trashfire, I’m a yellow dog democrat, but if you run as a republican, you’ll have my vote. If ya can’t beat ‘em, subvert ‘em.
wait a minute. I thought the wingers hated hollywierd and say that actors should just shut up. what am I missing here?
mertallen, you are missing Ahnald, Ronnie, Sony Bono, Fred Gandy, etc.
Totally off-topic, but I’ll mention it anyway: my birthday is tomorrow (March 15). I’m older than Ben Shapiro and younger than Doug Giles. (I was going to say “younger than Ann Coulter”, but, isn’t everybody? I’m not sure what her actual age is. Depends on how long ago her sire bit her on the neck.)
Happy birthday, Bill. On this date many centuries ago, a tyrant who invaded countries on flimsy pretexts was stabbed to death in Rome.
So maybe Ann can’t tell how old she herself is either by looking in the mirror–all she’d see is the wall behind her???
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILL!!!!!!
I know that I suck at remembering birthdays, but I did manage to hire you a last-minute male stripper from Stamos-Impersonators-R-Us, and he should be there bright and early in the morning to start your day off with a bang!
But if you want him to make allowances for Ted, that’s gonna cost ya extra. Not to mention liability insurance.
But seriously, if we can bring the house lights down for a minute here, I hope that you have a very happy birthday, filled with much love, peace, and as many orgasms as you can handle. Thanks for hanging out with us and come back this weekend for the all-you-can-eat buffet!
(I’ll be playing the Ramada Inn Airport for the Sunday Early Birds Special.)
Happy happy joy joy etc.
XOXOXO
much appeciated, AC.
Hey, man, anybody who can put up with me for all of these years at WoC deserves SOMETHING for his pain and patience, doesn’t he? Only the best, bayyybeee!
“I think Roe vs. Wade was bad law and bad medical science…”
Well that’s good, because Roe vs. Wade was neither law nor medical science; it was a court ruling. I think Roe vs. Wade was a bad spinach quiche and a bad baseball card but a good court ruling.

I’ve Been Through the Desert With a Cat With No Name

Hi, everybody! I must apologize for my absence (and I want to thank everyone for their concern, and especially thank the very kind AnntiChrist M. Coulter for the book by Caitlin Flanagan on “Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife”) — but I did return bearing lovely excuses. First, I was sick, followed by scattered showers of fatigue, lassitude, and ennui. Also, I’ve been spending all my spare time (and money) at the vets. In a kind of post Valentine’s Day tribute to love, we did mass spayings and neuterings. Plus, two of the cats have been very sick. Little Oliver had a fever of 106 — it was thought he had FIP, which is fatal, but expensive blood tests revealed that the vet really doesn’t know what he had. But he’s okay now. Also, the new cat Sylvie (the one who was going to get the lovely goddess name, until I decided that she didn’t deserve it) had post-spaying complications, and was quite ill for a few days.

Plus, I got a new dog. It’s a long story, but I’ll probably bore you with it anyway in a day or two — but the short version is that he’s a black and tan Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, he’s 9 months old, he was put up for adoption when he got sick, but he’s okay now, and his name is Henry. Anyway, he turned out to be the sweetest, cuddliest, naughtiest dog ever. He destroys more before noon than you destroy all day.

Throw in several winter storms that necessitated shoveling vast quantities of snow (which tires me out, makes my back hurt, and causes me to get cold!), some family stuff, my challenging role of arbitrator in the ongoing Jet Jaguar-Sylvie wars, and my general debilitated state, and I couldn’t even find the energy to turn on the computer most days.

But, as penance, I did watch Fox News. Later I will share with you some of the things I learned (not much about the horrid conditions at Walter Reed, but lots about Anna Nicole Smith). Well, here’s one factoid for today: “faggot” is not offensive to gays, because it’s just a bit of school yard argot meaning ”sissy.” This comes from no less an authority than Ann Coulter, who revealed this pertiment info while guesting (she got two segments) on “Hannity & Colmes.” If you don’t believe me, here’s a snippet from the transcript:
COLMES: But you used a word that’s very offensive to gays. Would you use a word offensive to another group of people and say, oh, it was only a joke? Where do you draw the line? 
COULTER: It isn’t offensive to gays. It has nothing to do with gays. It’s a schoolyard taunt, meaning wuss.
Good to know — and I hope that, in particular, all you gays learned something from the William Safire of her generation, and you now realize that you aren’t offended at all.

Ann said a lot of other stuff, almost all of it equally stupid and annoying, but let’s move on for now, since I also learned that this weekend’s “Hannity’s America (which is apparently not a country for that you’d want to visit OR live in — I think it must be a level of hell so horrific that Dante couldn’t bear to write about it), Sean will reveal ten statements made by liberals that are WAY WORSE than what Ann Coulter said, but that the liberal media hushed up, since they so shamefully refuse to report everything that national figures like Ward Churchill say.

I also learned from Bill O’Reilly that Bill Mahr is just as bad as Ann, because he said something unkind about Dick Cheney while he was speaking at a national liberal conference, or on a comedy show, or something. Also, Bill informed us that John Edwards has no moral highground from which to denounce Ann, since Edwards hired those horrid anti-Christian bloggers (you know, the ones that Bill singlehandedly saved us all from).

Bill also taught me that Mr. Libby can appeal his sentence, because young Scooter was only convicted of lying during the course of an investigation about a crime that never even occurred, and that’s unconstitutional or something.

But, in closing, let me share with you what possible presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich had to say about Scooter’s “crime”:
Perjury is at the very heart of our legal system. And is very often punished very intently by the courts. [...]  The standard is in a court of law, should somebody who’s popular get away with committing a felony?
And if this week it’s perjury, and next week it’s theft, and the week after that it’s having somebody beaten up, then what morning do we end up as a corrupt country like Nigeria where the corruption is so deep that it eats at the very fabric of our society?
So, if Scooter gets a presidential pardon, we will all go out and lie and steal and beat up people, and then our national economy will be based on email scams. A strong warning from Mr. Gingrich which the President would do well to heed.

No, wait, Newt wasn’t talking about Scooter, he was explaining to James Dobson why Newt thought it was permissible (nay REQUIRED) to go after Bill Clinton for fooling around with Monica while he himself was having an affair with a young aide.
And anyway, God has forgiven Newt for his cheating, hypocrisy, and general loathesomeness, and it’s fine with God if you make Newt the leader of the free world. Anyway, just something to think about when you’re in the voting booth.

So, more later. Unless it snows some more, or I have to try to glue together another library book or something.

s.z., dearest of hearts, welcome back- what
would you like to drink?
I still can’t decide if you’re sainted or crazy. A little of both, maybe.
Me, I’m just happy I now get to write to all of Ann Coulter’s remaining advertizers and explain that they’re supporting a misogynist *and* a homophobe. It’s an interesting tactic, really. “I wasn’t insulting fags, I was insulting pussies!”
The worst part is, it’s entirely possible she really does believe that “faggot” is not anti-gay if not used at a gay man. That peroxide goes stright to your brain, I guess.
Hooray, you’re back with news greedily read concerning you and those of fur!!
Missed you so.
Gappy
I’ve Been Through the Desert With a Cat With No Name
Where, I suppose, you found the heat was hot?
Absolutely, positively outpacing the second Worse Lyric of All Time, the Delfonics’ “Have You Seen Her?” by a 2-1 margin:
Why, oh why
Did you have to leave and (dramatic pause) go away?
Which we no longer have to ask of you. Welcome back.
yes, you were missed.
“…scattered showers of fatigue, lassitude, and ennui.”
We’ve been having weather like that here too… Welcome back. You were sorely missed.
S.Z. we have missed you so much – sounds like it’s been a tough winter. Glad you’re back! Please stay on the grid from now on.
S.Z., so pleased to see your return!
He destroys more before noon than you destroy all day.
Are you talking of puppy Henry, or Dubya?
Welcome back, s.z.!
Ha! My black cocker spaniel El Duque destroys more before 9 a.m. than your Henry does all day. If we accidentally leave the bathroom door open, he can toilet paper an entire 1,500 sq. ft. house in five minutes flat. He’s chewed a big hole in a $1,000 leather chair, converted two remote controls into useless bits of plastic, ripped the foam out of a 15-inch woofer in one of my speaker cabinets, and chewed the crotches out of more pairs of underwear than I can count (male, female, it doesn’t matter to him).
All this mouth action is in addition to his regular chew toy regimen. You can’t turn your back on the little bugger for more than two minutes. And yet we love him dearly.
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
With a breed name like that, I should think his nom de chien would be “King Henry the -VIII” (negative 8th)!
He destroys more before noon than you destroy all day.
That’s the “Cavalier” in him.
Glad you’re back, s.z.
YAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve got my computer back (major props to Realist, btw — http://pinkchimp.blogspot.com/ — he has done what lesser men have only pretended to be able to do to a computer), and S.Z. is back on the blog!!!
Hell, at this rate, maybe we’ll get Dumbya & Dick convicted of treason, create world peace, and I’ll finally get off of my ass and blog, too!
Or, y’know, S.Z. will be cannonized or somesuch by all the critters on the planet, at the very least.
Howdy, s.z.! I left a “present” for you a few posts down in comments-a link to a “lovely” picture of Ann. She’s particularly “horsey”-looking (that woman does have the hugest… teeth).
Wow–another doggie! Well, it’s only fair, since the catses outnumber the doggies by something like a 3-to-1 margin. Spaniels are kinda medium-sized, so the whole I-am-become-death-teh-destroyer-of-worlds-thing wears off… eventually.
In r/e the Ann “faqggot” comment, I’m still largely not offended (since she was trying to offend), but I’m finding her intransigence over apologizing to be irritating. Not that I really expected her to.
The thing I really find more offensive than Ann is male pr0n stars who become raging wingnuts. It’s really a shameful wast of what little talent they have-I mean, if they could actually act, they would! OK, OK, 8,9, 11 inches is nothing to sneeze at, but it ain’t everything in the world, either! Of course, the article mentioned that Corp. Sanchez is 36 years old, and that’s a wee bit long-in-teh-tooth for a a gay pr0n star and ‘ho, so he’s wisely enough trying to diversify his income potential. Unwisely enough, he’s trying to combine two great tastes that don’t go great together, but what are you gonna do when ya can’t act?
Um, the two great tastes (etc.) in r/e Corp. Sanchez are “wingnuttery” and “gay hooker (but it’s OK, ‘cos he’s a top).” ‘Twas a little unclear above.
But, as penance, I did watch Fox News.
No wonder you haven’t been feeling well.
Hi, everybody!
Hi Dr s.z.
welcome back
I was taken to our local ER with chest pains, and FORCED, yes positively FORCED to watch FOX for a couple of hours. It was torture! I asked the nurse-attendant to change it to anything else, even Cartoon Network. I’ll take SpongeBob over Oriley any day. Sigh. Bad times. (the chestpain was nothing, probably gas?)
I feel your pain, Kathy (glad that it was “nothing,” though!) — every time I go see my arrogant yuppie spine surgeon, the waiting rooms play ONLY Fux Newz, so I’ve learned to shut my ears off and always bring something good to read with me. How people can watch that condescending pandering bullshit and not PROJECTILE-VOMIT, I have no fucking idea. But then, people watch scat porn and car wrecks, so I guess the capability for vitriol is universal, in a way. Just not ENTIRELY universal.
I’m not really trying to one-up Annti or Kathy but I must share my waiting room story. Two receptionists,one lady patient who’s avidly reading her People magazine and myself. No one is paying any attention to the TV which is BLARING Pat Roberson & the 700 Club. Now this hurts me not only physically,but mentally and emotionally so I get up and turn it so not to be further scarred for life. I remember I turned it to some news channel so it could have been Faux News but Jesus wept….I really become pissed off being subjected to Pat and co. I can ignore Fox. Everyone is STARING at me when I turn around, so I smile sweetly at all and sit down again, only to pop back up when my name is then called by the nurse. When I return minutes later from a nice little patient/doctor chat, I find the TV channel has been turned BACK TO THE 700 CLUB. I shook my head all the way home. Perhaps people in my area(BTW, I’m in central IL.)are afraid they’ll go to hell if Pat is not in their lives but let them watch him in their living rooms. Take those fucking TV’s out of common areas and up the variety of magazines. Maybe more people could improve their reading skills.
Do you suppose Fox lets hospitals, or other public places, have their programs for free? It might be good business for them, a captive audience. I prefer the History Channel, tho it’s pretty funny at times (unintentionally I’m sure). and EVERYONE loves HGTV, surely?
Oh, sz, we’ve missed you so much. And to think your time was spent lavishing money and attention on the furry creatures. It’s amazing what lengths they’ll take us to, isn’t it? You are a gem.
Thank you so much for watching that ghastly nightmare called FOXNews so we don’t have to. Your writing on all subjects makes my day on so many damned days.
Cheers, Helena
EVERYONE loves HGTV, surely?
I love HGTV, watch very little else in fact, and the more I watch it, the more I realize its preponderance of gay, interracial, and cohabiting couples — presenters and homeowners alike. So I’m not sure everyone would accept HGTV for The 700 Club as a straight substitution, nudge wink etc.
Incidentally, welcome back and much cheer to our hostess.
Well, Kathy, I can’t swear by Murdoch (when has THAT motherfucker ever GIVEN anything but bullshit and grief?!??!?!), but when I was a patient at the long-gone Charity Hospital in NOLA, they got all of their telecommunications shit donated, cable/satellite, etc., by the providing companies (cable co./sat. co.), and got some really cheesy premiums (t-shirts, mouse pads, etc.) from the stations themselves. So while the staff had total access to anything available online and/or on-air, for some bizarre and despotic reason, every TV that was placed in the minority of waiting rooms (clinic systems, ER, etc.) was locked onto the local CBS affiliate. The worst soap operas, and allllll fucking day long. Then, if you were lucky to be stuck at an 8A clinic appointment until SIX FUCKING P.M. (as I often was), and the pigeons and the bums out front (where us smoking heathens were exiled) on Tulane Avenue and the bus exhaust drove you back indoors — the local, Establishment-with-a-capital-E-and-a-permanently-puckered -sphincter, “news” would come on, with the overage “cute girl reporter” who should’ve been doing the geriatric beat and the uber-nordic He-Man Of The Desk co-anchor, all very soberly and with the acting skills of Armand Assante in that abortion of a “cajun” movie.
Granted, I’ve seen worse since then, much, much worse, as I’ve been exiled to the ass-end of Satan’s sigmoid colon for 3.5 fun-filled years… What in the HELL ever gave those rednecked motherfuckers in Baton Rouge the idea that they were “important” or “RIGHT”?!?!?!?!? Ugh. The fucking Archdiocesan pandering in every fucking “news”cast, all the “happy news,” and the inimitable worship of CHILDREN and BABIES, but when the MOM gets killed, oh, well, no biggie, we can find a replacement. But a CHILD was hurt!!!! Any day now, I expect to hear the phrase, “womb baby” ON COMMERCIALLY-BILLABLE AIR TIME. I don’t miss the cable SO much (I haven’t lived where I could get Comedy Central since I left NOLA), although the rabbit ears ain’t hittin’ on shit… But what I wouldn’t give for one of those TiVo-ish gadgets that lets you skip the commercials! This country’s sexism and rampant recidivism is spooging out of their EARS for fuck’s sake, if you go by their commercials!
Oh, and for those doctors with the interminably long waits nowadays, I bring my low-rent Discman, too. Loud, brass-ovary blues by Big Mama Thornton, Janis, Bessie Smith, you name it. Always fun to look up once in a while and watch the faces change expression when they make eye contact… heh heh heh…
Gay folk on HGTV? !!! Didn’t one of the religious pundits slam HGTV for that reason a while back?
That would be a funny complaint. “HGTV’s Homosexual Agenda is to promote color schemes of chocolate brown, light blue, and lime green. The Lord has shown his favor for un-ironic Mid-Century Modern.”
I have two doctors (I know, Heather has 2 mommies, but she’s just luckier than me). My Blood Pressure doctor and my head doctor. Although I love them both deeply (BP doctor can speak Urdu! fer crissakes, and head doc tells me with regularity that yes, I am crazy), but the waiting rooms are ghastly, unpleasant places populated by annoying, sick, crazy people who are usually fighting with someone on cell phones, screaming rotten children and an overall chaotic vibe that makes me feel vulnerable and unarmed. Fortunately, techcnology has solved the problem. If I couldn’t bring my ipod with me, I wouldn’t go. Period…
mikey
Thanks for putting my comments back up there, Scott — such speedy and friendly service — don’t ever go to work for Disney, PLEASE!!! — although I could’ve SWORN that I closed those italics tags, ’cause as we all know, I *never* fuck-up the HTML!!!
(Go ahead, get the hook, don’t worry, I’ve given up my career in vaudeville…)
Welcome back. Let’s see the pictures of Henry! Ken you make me feel better about the comparatively minor destruction caused by my mutts.
Welcome back s.z.! The tubes just weren’t the same without you!
OK, not trying to one-up mikey, Kathy, or Annti, bit here’s my waiting-room story.
In my old nephrologist’s waiting room, there weren’t any tee-vees or radios (just awful, soul-sapping muzak™), so that was OK, but here’s what they had by way of magazines: scattered issues of Time, Newsweek, etc. Some medical-related journals and AARP publications. Golf magazines. And (wait for it)…
Piles and piles of Teh National Review! I was soooooooo tempted to steal the one with the soldier on the front cover, captioned something along the lines of, “We ARE Winning In Iraq!”
Heh, indeed!
Marq, darling, when it’s articles of that spoof-worthy caliber, it’s not “stealing,” it’s LIBERATING!!!
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!
~~~
Y’know, when & if it ever fucking gets here… *sigh*
Waiting rooms, nothing. I just got back from my folks’ and if there’s not a baseball game on or a cooking show, Fox News is. It’s basically just background noise for them (which I don’t get ’cause they got a parakeet, and that goddamn bird makes all kinds of racket), but my mother finds it a never-ending source of amusement watching me get pissed off at that piss-poor excuse for journalism thing.
It’s not a partisan thing, mind, though Momma is a Republican voter (with caveats for local elections) and generally conservative socially.* I’m just entertaining to watch when I get wound up and indignant, apparently.
*Actually, she’s probably more what one would consider “libertarian” socially. For example, she don’t give a shit about gay marriage because she’s already married, and if she can put up with my old man for 35 years, then marriage as an institution is in no danger at all. She’s even told her preacher** the religious arguments are, and I quote, “BULL-shit”. Momma’s pretty cool.
** Before he got caught with a bunch of other dudes, including one of my high school teachers, at a rest stop on the Natchez Trace doing something naughty, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.
Oof. I bet that one’s harder to live down than Jimmy Swaggart’s ugly-ass hooker at the Texas Motel on Airline Highway.