While doing other stuff (cleaning the kitchen, ministering to injured cat, feeding the dogs, sticking head in oven), I happened to catch most of yesterday’s “Hannity & Whoever.” It wasn’t as full of wingnutty goodness as CNN’s Glenn Beck show, which featured Glenn telling a designated Mexican that he didn’t appreciate invited guests peeing in his living room (which was apparently a metaphor of some sort, possibly about high gas prices). But it did offer two scions of influential conservative families peddling their lame-o books.
First up was John Podhoretz, who was there to sell his work, Can She Be Stopped? Hillary Clinton Will Beat You Up and Steal Your Lunch Money Unless . . . .
The main thing I got out of the interview was that Mr. Podhoretz has gained a lot of weight since he posed for that photo which TBogglikes so much. (Apparently, JPod is on the the same diet as Rush Limbaugh: you know, the one that allows you to have a shake for breakfast, a couple of pizzas and a whole cow for lunch, and a sensible small town for dinner.)
But we should probably take the high road, and ignore John’s appearance to instead focus on his words — except that it would be kinder to just make fat jokes about Mr. Podhoretz, since he came across as the kind of buffoon whom even Sean Hannity can count as his intellectual inferior. (But in case you’re interested, the gist of JPod’s message in this interview was: “Help, Mom, There’s a Hillary Clinton Under My Bed.”)
So, instead of speculating about what Midge and Norman think about the depths to which their only son has sunk, let’s read some of what John’s publisher has to say about his latest book:
It�s the ultimate nightmare scenario for conservatives: to awaken on the morning of November 5, 2008, to the news that the last swing state has been colored bright blue and Hillary Rodham Clinton is the President-elect of the United States.
I remember that ep (“The Ultimate Nightmare Scenario”) from the old “Outer Limits” series. It’s the one where Robert Culp volunteers to be surgically transformed into a scary alien in order to unite all the people of earth. Interestly enough, that seems to be the gist of JPod’s plan too: scare the troops with the spectre of a scary Hillary Clinton which he made himself, in order to unite the Republicans. (And if his book were to be made into an old-school “Outer Limits” ep, JPod could guest star as a grotesque alien from a heavy-gravity planet, and it might be kind of cool.)
But here are the details of his exciting ten-point plan:
After shaking Republicans out of their complacency, Podhoretz lays out the precise strategy conservatives must deploy to stop Hillary dead in her tracks. His groundbreaking ten-point plan of action reveals:� How to expose the real, ultraliberal Hillary
Let’s just say that Ashton punks her good.
� How to “smoke her out” and prevent her from hiding on key issues
� How to make her denounce popular Republican programs�and defend unpopular liberal ideas
Challenge her to a game of “Truth or Dare” while you and the boys smoke cheap cigars,
� How to use her Senate seat as a weapon against her
MacGyver pops in to demonstrate this one. He then makes a bird feeder out of some suet, a couple of raisins, and a couple of strands of hair from a hairbrush — but in an ironic plot twist, Midge Decter gets it confused with her son, and takes it home to cherish and belittle.
� How to overcome the Republican Party�s own problems
I’m not sure if JPod’s plan involves a Stalineque purge of most of the Party’s leadership, or a craftier deal with Satan.
� Whom the Republicans should nominate (and the choice may surprise you)
Since Ronald Reagan is dead, you may indeed be surprised at JPod’s recommended candidate.
Conservatives can�t avoid the Hillary problem any longer, or else the nation will be forced to endure another Clinton in the White House.
Another four or more years of prosperity? NOOOO!
Fortunately, John Podhoretz is here with the detailed blueprint that will spare the country from that disastrous turn of events, in a book as puckishly lively as it is sobering
Yes, fortunately John “Puckishly Lively” Podhoretz has saved humanity once again. Or rather, he will save us, if only we will heed his words, and follow his ten-step plan. Tell your friends! Keep watching the Pod!
Anyway, the other featured middle-aged conservative trading on her family name was our favorite li’l sell-out, Mary Cheney. The main thing I learned from her “Hannity & Nonentity” appearance was that she bears a really unfortunate resemblance to her father. (The fact that she’s a woman makes her plight all the more tragic.)
But once again, we should take the higher road and discuss her words instead of her appearance. And her message is : “I hate it that the only reason anybody pays any attention to me is because I am the Vice President’s lesbian daughter. So, I wrote a book telling what it’s like to be a lesbian whose father is the Vice President.”
We’ll talk more about her book later, but I need to get some sleep first, because, frankly, her tome is pretty boring. (Shorter version: “My daddy is the bestest daddy in the world. And stop paying attention to me because I am Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, and instead pay attention to me because, um, I work at AOL.”
But until then, here’s a quote from People Magazine’s interview, which they called “Mary Cheney Opens Up on Dad, Gay Marriage.”
He [Dick Cheney] also taught you to hunt?
My dad and I go hunting a couple of times a year for pheasant and quail.Who bags more?
That is the source of constant father-daughter competition.
Yes, just spend the morning thinking about the constant father-daughter competition between Mary and her dad about who can bag the most elderly lawyers, and I’ll get back to you soon.
UPDATE FROM SCOTT C:
There’s been some curiosity about the title of this post. A bit of philological spadework reveals that s.z. was writing in the North British Dialect, and as many wordsmiths who have aped the Poet Burns can attest, such an enterprise can aft gang aglay.
30 Responses to “[Title Recalled Due to Factory Defect]”
Possibly your title needs correcting, or possibly I’m just not getting what is an elaborate and extremely clever joke.
You know, republicans are batshit insane. I use that phrase advisedly.
Floods, earthquakes, drought. Global pandemics. Wars. Nuclear weapons. Global warming. Peak oil. Invasion from fucking outer space.
Of all the shit that could happen on this little mudball, and I’m attempting to restrain my imagination here to reasonably plausible if not absolutely inevitible events, the “ultimate nightmare scenario” is Hillary fucking Clinton becoming president?
I’m two-thirds convinced Bush has already killed us all by ignoring global warming, and I *still* don’t see his presidency per se as the “ultimate nightmare scenario”.
When his pathetic incompetence leads us to an entire planetful of desperate bands of ecological refugees trying to stay one step ahead of the disease and rising water levels, that’s an “ultimate nightmare scenario”, and his presidency will have been a horrible, murderously negligent act of hubris and ignorance, but the “ultimate nightmare scenario” will be the actual events that actually kill untold numbers of people.
Hillary Clinton, though. Jesus Christ. I mean, seriously, what the hell. Do these guys glean their emotional development from watching pro wrestling?
Man, it must be swell to be a republican. Apparently the world is a wonderful place filled with cotton candy and beribboned ponies where all they have to do is avoid the liberal boogeymen.
If Hillary Clinton as president is the worst thing they can imagine, they clearly have a deeply impoverished collective imagination and sense of shame.
Al Gore, they should worry about, though even then it would not be an “ultimate nightmare scenario” so much as “poetic justice”.
But Hillary? They could work with her.
You know, republicans are batshit insane. I use that phrase advisedly.
Floods, earthquakes, drought. Global pandemics. Wars. Nuclear weapons. Global warming. Peak oil. Invasion from fucking outer space.
Of all the shit that could happen on this little mudball, and I’m attempting to restrain my imagination here to reasonably plausible if not absolutely inevitible events, the “ultimate nightmare scenario” is Hillary fucking Clinton becoming president?
I’m two-thirds convinced Bush has already killed us all by ignoring global warming, and I *still* don’t see his presidency per se as the “ultimate nightmare scenario”.
When his pathetic incompetence leads us to an entire planetful of desperate bands of ecological refugees trying to stay one step ahead of the disease and rising water levels, that’s an “ultimate nightmare scenario”, and his presidency will have been a horrible, murderously negligent act of hubris and ignorance, but the “ultimate nightmare scenario” will be the actual events that actually kill untold numbers of people.
Hillary Clinton, though. Jesus Christ. I mean, seriously, what the hell. Do these guys glean their emotional development from watching pro wrestling?
Man, it must be swell to be a republican. Apparently the world is a wonderful place filled with cotton candy and beribboned ponies where all they have to do is avoid the liberal boogeymen.
If Hillary Clinton as president is the worst thing they can imagine, they clearly have a deeply impoverished collective imagination and sense of shame.
Al Gore, they should worry about, though even then it would not be an “ultimate nightmare scenario” so much as “poetic justice”.
But Hillary? They could work with her.
Forgive the double post, but I’m not getting a lot of sleep lately, either. “Terrorism” is conspicuously absent from my recounting of dire possibilities for a reason–I meant to rant about that in some detail.
But it kind of proves the point I forgot to make. Terrorism is The Big Thing over there on the right. Its conspicuous absence from JPod’s own “ultimate nightmare scenario” shortlist is a fairly nasty indicator of batshit insanity.
Either they really do think liberals are more dangerous than terrorists, in which case they are stupid assholes, or they want other people to believe it, in which case they are lying assholes.
Either way, I’m ashamed to share a country with them.
But it kind of proves the point I forgot to make. Terrorism is The Big Thing over there on the right. Its conspicuous absence from JPod’s own “ultimate nightmare scenario” shortlist is a fairly nasty indicator of batshit insanity.
Either they really do think liberals are more dangerous than terrorists, in which case they are stupid assholes, or they want other people to believe it, in which case they are lying assholes.
Either way, I’m ashamed to share a country with them.
Wow. Two of the strongest arguments for birth control, appearing on a show featuring an even bigger one.
Oh, and I’m glad I didn’t click on the TBogg link, because I’ve almost managed to erase from my memory that picture of the Pod man. I’m trying really hard to erase it completely, thinking of more pleasant images-you know, pretty meadows, cute fluffy kittens, Wentworth Miller…
Soon the shirtless J. Pod burned in my brain will be gone. I hope…(shaking)
Oh, and I’m glad I didn’t click on the TBogg link, because I’ve almost managed to erase from my memory that picture of the Pod man. I’m trying really hard to erase it completely, thinking of more pleasant images-you know, pretty meadows, cute fluffy kittens, Wentworth Miller…
Soon the shirtless J. Pod burned in my brain will be gone. I hope…(shaking)
My dad and I go hunting a couple of times a year for pheasant and quail
Of course, Mary isn’t talking about “hunting” hunting, but rather“Cheney-style” hunting, where farm-raised game is released right in front of you so you can more easily blow the living shit out of it.
All that sneaking around and sitting quietly in blinds stuff is for losers too poor to afford a trip to Bill’s Blast-O-Rama Game Farm.
Of course, Mary isn’t talking about “hunting” hunting, but rather“Cheney-style” hunting, where farm-raised game is released right in front of you so you can more easily blow the living shit out of it.
All that sneaking around and sitting quietly in blinds stuff is for losers too poor to afford a trip to Bill’s Blast-O-Rama Game Farm.
I was wondering if they really hunted or just bagged tame birds.
bagged tame birds
They’re not tame, exactly – it’s not like they’re blowing away someone’s pet. But the birds have been raised in a protected environment with no natural enemies, so they’re not exactly wild either.
A bird that’s grown up in the wild where a single misstep can make you into dinner is much more alert and harder to catch. Which is the whole point. If you’re looking for sport, you’d welcome the challenge. If you’re just looking to blast something, it’s a lot easier to blast a farm-raised bird.
They’re not tame, exactly – it’s not like they’re blowing away someone’s pet. But the birds have been raised in a protected environment with no natural enemies, so they’re not exactly wild either.
A bird that’s grown up in the wild where a single misstep can make you into dinner is much more alert and harder to catch. Which is the whole point. If you’re looking for sport, you’d welcome the challenge. If you’re just looking to blast something, it’s a lot easier to blast a farm-raised bird.
Do they shoot them first, then bag them? Or do they bag them first (since they’re so easy to catch), then hang ‘em from a tree and use them for target practice?
JPod could guest star as a grotesque alien from a heavy-gravity planet, and it might be kind of cool.)
well, if that were the case he’d have much stronger musculature and probably wouldn’t look quite the blob. now a lowergravity planet would probably result in the gelatinous mass that is the JPod
well, if that were the case he’d have much stronger musculature and probably wouldn’t look quite the blob. now a lowergravity planet would probably result in the gelatinous mass that is the JPod
Is there any chance Mary Cheney might name her biography DAD: The Only Dick I Love? That would be fun. Whose joke is that? Did I steal that from this blog? Oy.
JPod could guest star as a grotesque alien from a heavy-gravity planet, and it might be kind of cool.
Ooh — do I sense a Movie Monday review of Phantasm coming soon?
Ooh — do I sense a Movie Monday review of Phantasm coming soon?
JPod could guest star as a grotesque alien from a heavy-gravity planet, and it might be kind of cool.
Jabba the Podd.
Jabba the Podd.
He then makes a bird feeder out of some suet, a couple of raisins, and a couple of strands of hair from a hairbrush � but in an ironic plot twist, Midge Decter gets it confused with her son, and takes it home to cherish and belittle.
SO FUNNY. I have little to add except, are we sure that when Mary Cheney talks about “who bags more” she refers to hunting quail and pheasant? Or did she suddenly change the subject to that most precious quarry, the female of our species?
SO FUNNY. I have little to add except, are we sure that when Mary Cheney talks about “who bags more” she refers to hunting quail and pheasant? Or did she suddenly change the subject to that most precious quarry, the female of our species?
Apparently, JPod is on the the same diet as Rush Limbaugh: you know, the one that allows you to have a shake for breakfast, a couple of pizzas and a whole cow for lunch, and a sensible small town for dinner.
MacGyver pops in to demonstrate this one. He then makes a bird feeder out of some suet, a couple of raisins, and a couple of strands of hair from a hairbrush � but in an ironic plot twist, Midge Decter gets it confused with her son, and takes it home to cherish and belittle.
Sigh. Once again, I must say it: marry me, s.z.
MacGyver pops in to demonstrate this one. He then makes a bird feeder out of some suet, a couple of raisins, and a couple of strands of hair from a hairbrush � but in an ironic plot twist, Midge Decter gets it confused with her son, and takes it home to cherish and belittle.
Sigh. Once again, I must say it: marry me, s.z.
No one here knows me and I am leaving as soon as I post this so here goes: I saw Whatshername Chenney on 60 Minutes or one of those other shows. I thought she was kinda cute. (I had to forget her father was a evil bastard, but…)Bye now.
I hope Henk comes back. He sounds twisted enough to be a regular.
Thanks to D. Sidhe on what an ultimate nightmare scenario really means. You could only think of a Hillary presidency as a nightmare if you were blind to the one you’re now living in.
Growing up in the sixties and early seventies, we thought a lot about WW III and Armageddon. It was always my belief that the end of the world would be brought on not by some evil genius, but by some bumbling idiot. And it frightens me to see how right I may yet be.
PS–In case you’re wondering, Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad is not the next Saddam Hussein. He is the Middle East’s Joe Arpaio. (More on this later.)
Growing up in the sixties and early seventies, we thought a lot about WW III and Armageddon. It was always my belief that the end of the world would be brought on not by some evil genius, but by some bumbling idiot. And it frightens me to see how right I may yet be.
PS–In case you’re wondering, Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad is not the next Saddam Hussein. He is the Middle East’s Joe Arpaio. (More on this later.)
Heh heh heh. The Right thinks Hillary is Liberal, while the Proglodytes* castigate her as a Closet Conservative.
No wonder she’s so popular. She makes fools on both sides blast a dooky in their britches.
*”All politicians are the same–like Al Gore and George W. Bush! Exactly the same! I’m voting for Nader again! That way, when the nukes fall, at least my conscience will be clean! Because I threw my vote away instead of using it to…uh, wait.”
No wonder she’s so popular. She makes fools on both sides blast a dooky in their britches.
*”All politicians are the same–like Al Gore and George W. Bush! Exactly the same! I’m voting for Nader again! That way, when the nukes fall, at least my conscience will be clean! Because I threw my vote away instead of using it to…uh, wait.”
Okay, no way am I buying the book. Anyone want to share who JPod says the Repugs should nominate?
“A heavy-gravity planet”
Is that Rummy-world or yipee-land?
Is that Rummy-world or yipee-land?
You know, the title of this post makes slightly more sense if you think it’s in German.
Or is it Der tree? I can’t remember.
Or is it Der tree? I can’t remember.
A Hilary Clinton administration?
That would almost be worth it to see the wailing and rending of clothing, cognitive dissonance, and mass emigrations.
Oh and wild pheasant fly at 30 mph and can run almost as fast. They have very sharp hearing and can freeze and blend in as well.
We were out hunting one year and stopped for lunch. There were about six of us moving around, making sandwiches and so on. A hen sat in the middle of our group for some 10 minutes before someone nearly stepped on her and flushed her. Otherwise pheasant hunting as with most hunting is a lot of walking, some luck, and some skill with your shotgun. Farm hunting is none of those.
That would almost be worth it to see the wailing and rending of clothing, cognitive dissonance, and mass emigrations.
Oh and wild pheasant fly at 30 mph and can run almost as fast. They have very sharp hearing and can freeze and blend in as well.
We were out hunting one year and stopped for lunch. There were about six of us moving around, making sandwiches and so on. A hen sat in the middle of our group for some 10 minutes before someone nearly stepped on her and flushed her. Otherwise pheasant hunting as with most hunting is a lot of walking, some luck, and some skill with your shotgun. Farm hunting is none of those.
“How to make her denounce popular Republican programs”
And which programs are these, exactly?
And which programs are these, exactly?
I think one of the real reasons that the neo-cons hate Hillary is that unlike a number of First Ladies, Hillary actually did something than just standing behind her man. Kinda like what Elenor Rosavelt did.
And if they want an ultraliberal, I’d be more than happy to intoduce them to Dennis Kucinish.
And if they want an ultraliberal, I’d be more than happy to intoduce them to Dennis Kucinish.
C.I Dreyfus just beat me to it: What popular Republican programs? The Bush tax cuts? Aside from Paris Hilton and those wealthy Republicans who don’t care a fig for the good of the rest of the country, for whom is this a popular Republican program? And besides tax cuts and endless war, I’m hard pressed to come up with a single Republican “program” at all unless we call thedestruction of liberal initiatives like regulating pollution, clean air and water, Social Security, Medicare, etc. a “program.”
For the life of me, I can’t see a downside to denouncing Republican anything.
For the life of me, I can’t see a downside to denouncing Republican anything.
Just read the review for Podhoretz’s book on Amazon.com. Own up, guys, which one of you did it?
Bonus points to C.I. Dreyfus.
Darn you, C.I. Dreyfus! That was the best joke I thought of, too. Well, I suppose that had you not beaten me to it, R.Porrofatto would have. Drat, drat, and double-drat!
Oh, well… what can I slavage out of this, hmm? Ah!
Oh, well… what can I slavage out of this, hmm? Ah!
So, instead of speculating about what Midge and Norman think about the depths to which their only son has sunk[...]Relax! They can’t. At some point over the past few months, during the depths of night, J-Pod sent out fleshy tendrils and absorbed Norm and Midge. His man-teats have never been tittier! Thus, the weight-gain. Be safe–remember never to fall asleep in the same room as J-Pod, or this could happen to you, too!
instead of speculating about what Midge and Norman think about the depths to which their only son has sunk
Wait, this reminds me of something from physics class. Isn’t that some kind of limit case to the principle of buoyancy?
Wait, this reminds me of something from physics class. Isn’t that some kind of limit case to the principle of buoyancy?
I’m still pissed that Mary didn’t take my book title suggestion of MUNCHING THE RED CARPET: MY LIFE AS THE VEEP’S DAUGHTER.
ou know, the title of this post makes slightly more sense if you think it�s in German.
The
Bart,
The
The
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