Now that the results of the Iowa caucuses have been tabulated, it’s apparent that America has taken its first step toward elevating a fundamentalist cleric to the highest office in the land, thus paving the way for our eventual anschluss with Iran. Still, some pundits are miffed that Iowa Republicans chose to anoint the apostle rather than the messiah; or, as Felicia Benamon put it in her latest Renew America column:
I’m not saying this in the sense that one should vote for Jesus Christ at the polls, although the thought does linger with me to vote Jesus Christ as a write-in.
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal spoiler candidate?
The US is facing trouble, but the current crop of presidential candidates are not going to solve our problems. Every man is imperfect.
Yeah! Why don’t we get a woman candidate for a–Oops. No. Check that.
I have, however noticed one presidential candidate who seems sincere about returning to our lost values as a country and picking up the traditions that have been stomped on in past years. That person is Alan Keyes.
I’m a little ashamed to admit that I never realized that Alan Keyes and Jesus Christ were the same person. But then, I didn’t figure out that Michelle on Full House was being played by twins until the third season.
I have noticed Alan Keyes’s position on the issues and his fevered attitude of revering our Christian heritage. He’s a strong conservative, but one question lingers with me… if he is elected as president, will he stand strong on his Christian convictions through his entire term(s) in office?
Oh probably. After all, Reagan had his daily nap, George Bush sets aside time each day to exercise, I see no reason why a President Keyes shouldn’t keep the Iraqi Prime Minister waiting because it’s three o’clock and he’s got to get through an hour and a half of fevered reverence before he can even think about the war.
Plus, if Alan Keyes were president, it’s a good bet that the sun has turned black, the moon blood red, and four mighty angels have been loosed from the great river Euphrates to slay a third of mankind, and that sort of thing really helps to keep you grounded.
As a majority of us in America are Christians, I would implore Christians everywhere to vote for Jesus. Vote for Jesus to guide you…in your heart. Allow Him to direct you as to what candidate you should support.
Also, ask him for investment tips, and let him pick out that new wallpaper for the guest bedroom — it’s not like he’s busy.
It seems that conservatives are all over the map as to whom they will support. And many are throwing their support around shaky top tier candidates who are not strong on conservative issues. That is worrisome. Why would conservatives back a candidate because he seems popular in the Republican Party? It makes no sense.
It’s almost like they care more about winning than they do about Jesus!
Again, we should be looking to Jesus Christ to lead us in every aspect of our lives.
Why, Jesus helped pay my way through vocational school, and taught me how to drive a stick!
He knows what’s best for us. So, shouldn’t we seek His direction on who we should cast our ballots for in the presidential race?
That George W. Bush recommendation came up roses, didn’t it?
Whoever we vote for will have a significant chance to lead our nation, and this person will have an effect on the way we live. I hope people realize this.
News to me. I always thought the post of President of the United States was more ceremonial, like the Grand Marshall of the Hollywood Christmas Parade, or that guy who reads the proclamation in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day.
Confused about the candidates? Let the Lord Jesus Christ guide you.
For His amazing free pamphlet, send a self addressed stamped envelope to Christ on the Candidates!, Pueblo, Colorado, 81001.
Posted by scott on Friday, January 4th, 2008 at 9:56 pm.
That’s fucked up.
WWJD (Who Would Jesus Designate)
Okay, who’s been stomping on traditions? Own up. I know the War On Christmas, with it’s rousing successes, left some of us a little, let’s say *exuberant* about our role in the post-modern society, but stomping on traditions seems messy. May I suggest a simple Tradition Hotel trap?
Also, I imagine Ms Benamon has met Alan Keyes at least, what with writing crazy shit for his website and all, and the best she can say about him is that he *seems* sincere?
Remind me, what’s her beef with Huckabee? Is it just that her paycheck doesn’t come from him, or is she mad about the pesudo-commie aspects of his platform?
Also, I imagine Ms Benamon has met Alan Keyes at least, what with writing crazy shit for his website and all, and the best she can say about him is that he *seems* sincere?
Remind me, what’s her beef with Huckabee? Is it just that her paycheck doesn’t come from him, or is she mad about the pesudo-commie aspects of his platform?
I think she just wants a Obama vs Keyes rematch on a national stage
i think jesus would even move out of this country if alan keyes was elected…..
I keep asking Jesus… and He tells me “Don’t vote Republicans!!!”
What I should do?
What I should do?
I think she just wants a Obama vs Keyes rematch on a national stage
Me too. Oh, God, please, me too.
Me too. Oh, God, please, me too.
…a Obama vs Keyes rematch…
That would be the awesomest thing since the invention of awesomeness.
That would be the awesomest thing since the invention of awesomeness.
He knows what’s best for us. So, shouldn’t we seek His direction on who we should cast our ballots for in the presidential race?
While she’s at it, she should ask Jesus for some sentence structure tips. Just sayin’.
And oh, god, and jesus too, please give us a Keyes/Obama debate. If you’ll grant my prayer, I hearby promise to go to Midnight Mass next Festivus.
While she’s at it, she should ask Jesus for some sentence structure tips. Just sayin’.
And oh, god, and jesus too, please give us a Keyes/Obama debate. If you’ll grant my prayer, I hearby promise to go to Midnight Mass next Festivus.
If I could get another Obama/Keyes matchup – for PRESIDENT this time – hell, I’d marry the moderator.
God, Obama/Keyes was gold.
Sadly for Keyes, though, he’s Catholic. The base has limits.
Sadly for Keyes, though, he’s Catholic. The base has limits.
although the thought does linger with me to vote Jesus Christ
I imagine that a fair number of people do shout out His name, when they enter the polling booth and realise that No, it wasn’t a bad dream, and Yes, these are the only available alternatives.
I imagine that a fair number of people do shout out His name, when they enter the polling booth and realise that No, it wasn’t a bad dream, and Yes, these are the only available alternatives.
I hate to be a spoilsport, but Jesus has a way to go before being Constitutionally eligible to run, doesn’t he? I mean, he’s not a natural-born American citizen. And I don’t think he made it to 35.
Although he’d kill in attack interviews: “Mr. Jesus, are you gay?” “Thou sayest.”
Although he’d kill in attack interviews: “Mr. Jesus, are you gay?” “Thou sayest.”
Jesus isn’t a natural born American! How stupid ARE these people?!?!?!?
Thud, bro, get out of my head, please. I was going to renovate the medulla…
This is incredible.
You actually watched Full House? For three seasons?
You actually watched Full House? For three seasons?
Didn’t Jesus get a number of votes back when they were doing The Greatest American? I’m sure the nutjobs would explain that since we are a country founded on Christ, he’s just as much a citizen as George Washington and anyone else who existed before the country did. Lame, I know, but so’s Renew America.
I always thought the post of President of the United States was more ceremonial, like the Grand Marshall of the Hollywood Christmas Parade, or that guy who reads the proclamation in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day.
Well, GWB gave it his best shot.
Well, GWB gave it his best shot.
Hey, Everyone!
Let’s ask a Palestinian Jew which Republican should be President of the United States!
Everyone?
Everyone?
Hello?
Let’s ask a Palestinian Jew which Republican should be President of the United States!
Everyone?
Everyone?
Hello?
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