The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Ace, Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison? Oh, Really? Well…How Many Times?

Gay Inmates Granted Conjugal Visits
Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays…
Overnight visits, which can be up to 72 hours long, have been allowed in California since the 1970s, Ms. Thornton said, and are conducted in units inside prison grounds, often trailers. While suggestive of sexual activity, the visits sometimes include several family members, including children.
“It’s not exclusive to conjugal activities,” Ms. Thornton said.
Gay and lesbian inmates were not allowed visits from their partners because only spouses were recognized as “immediate family.”
Several categories of inmate are not allowed the visits, including those on death row, sex offenders, those serving sentences of life without parole, and those who have been violent with minors or family members. Prisoners also must have been on good behavior, with no violations.
The new policy was required by California’s 2003 domestic partnership law, but state authorities have been dragging their feet for nearly four years, and only grudgingly agreed to implement changes after threats of legal action by the ACLU.  Still, certain musky, gimlet-eyed observers feel that the penal system has just made Candyland a bit too sweet.

For instance, well known heterosexual Ace from Ace of Spades (“Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.”) explodes the myth of punishment by incarceration:
Eh, why not? They’ve been allowing involuntary shower-room gay conjugal visits for hundreds of years.
Free cable… internet access… well-equipped weightrooms… murder-groupie pen-pals… gay conjugal visits…
Pretty much prison is nothing but softball, Cinemax, and sodomy all day long.
They should stop calling it “prison” and start calling it “The Most Wonderful Place In The World.”
I’ve always thought of prison as a grim, violent, soul-eroding kind of place, but let’s look at it from Ace’s perspective:  Locked up with 2000 other men who share your interest in bodybuilding and disdain for Alien-style genitalia?   Free cable and internet access?  A place where sodomy, like Breakfast at Denny’s, is available all day long?

Plus, you receive bundles of passionate, stream-of-consciousness letters written by emotionally disturbed women that make your own posts look magesterial by comparison.  And Mom’s not around to yell at you for watching Passion Cove and Hotel Erotica with your underpants hobbling your ankles.

Ace may be on to something, but further research is clearly needed.  I suggest we hold a fund-raising drive to send him to that Prison Fantasy Camp in Afghanistan.

22 Responses to “Ace, Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison? Oh, Really? Well…How Many Times?”

Well, I’m broke. But I make a mean cupcake. Let’s have a bake sale.
To reprise the old joke, no wonder he’s homophobic: he’s an asshole and all his friends are pricks.
I’m pretty impressed with California, though. I mean, fair’s fair.
Dammit, now I’m hungry for cupcakes.
I’d comment on Ace, but he always provokes the same reaction: “Um…WHO?”
I can fix the cupcake thing, Bill.
I also make a mean Sweet And Sour Spam And Tater Tot Stir Fry. The recipe also includes leftover white rice, canned pineapple bits, and crushed garlic. You can add green peppers for color. Cook the tater tots first according to their directions or they’ll fall apart as you stir-fry them.
If you’re anything like most people, it might be *days* before you’re hungry again.
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W00t! First you implied that I was fat, scott… now, you infer that Ace of Freaking ♠s is a person not unlike myself.
Why do you hate me, scott?
What have I ever done to hurt you?
And, if you had to write about Acehole, couldn’t you have categorized him under “wingnutz” or “I pity teh fool!” ?
Or, come up with a whole, new category, especially for Acey….
If prison is so fun, why are they so anxious to keep ‘lil Scooter out?
“stop calling it “prison” and start calling it “The Most Wonderful Place In The World.”
yeah baby, let’s see you step into one for even an hour and see what your impressions are then. Of course your fantasies, fondest desires may run to the morbidly, no safe word S/M variety.
Pretty much prison is nothing but softball, Cinemax, and sodomy all day long.
They should stop calling it “prison” and start calling it “The Most Wonderful Place In The World.”
I don’t picture Ace as much of a softball fan and cinimax hasn’t had anything on worth watching since I don’t know when. Why do you think it’s the most wonderful place in the world Ace?
D. Sidhe, your recipe brought back a wonderful memory. In college I worked part time at a local Jewish Community Center which put me in an office full of middle-aged Jewish women whom I adored. It also provided me with one of the funniest lines from an overheard telephone conversation in my experience:
“Doris, thank you SO much for having us over last night and your sweet and sour hot dog casserole was wonderful!”
I also have a best friend from high school who married a man whose mother is a legendarily bad cook. For one thing, she can’t quite manage the timing thing, as evidenced by the time she found herself needing to throw together a spinach salad but the spinach was too wet (??) so she put it in the clothes dryer – I kid you not.
Hmmm…I think someone has been watching WAY too much Chi Chi LaRue for their own good.
What’s the exact right amount? Just for, um, future reference.
Sweet & Sour Hot Dog Casserole. Hmmm. Well, I’ve used them in the stir fry, though I’ve also done Fish Stick Stir Fry with a thinned tartar sauce dressing. The casserole, I imagine, would include canned onion rings. Probably pineapple chunks, and this is just me, but I’d probably use leftover rice as a base, or maybe leftover macaroni and cheese.
There are a few basic rules for this sort of sadistically improvisational cooking:
1. If everything is edible separately, it’s probably edible together.
2. You can always try it again next week.
3. Know when to use brand names. Not-Spam is not-good-enough.
4. Employee Pot Lucks were *made* for Pringles Mashed Potato Casserole.
5. The first person to refuse to eat it pays for the pizza.
Did I mention how horrible I am to live with? Okay, good.
Rule 6. Chili is your friend.
Pretty much prison is nothing but softball, Cinemax, and sodomy all day long.
Y’know, I worked, tangentially, in a prison (not in a facility, but on the grounds in the hospital).
Ace wouldn’t survive five minutes inside. And yes, partly because of the non-stop sodomy, which, contrary to popular belief on the right, is pretty brutal, involves no lubrication (except blood), and usually comes after foreplay of knocking the victims teeth out of his mouth.
But also because, you know, the guards are pretty tough, mean nasty angry bastards who, even tho I wasn’t a prisoner, used to harass me for the slightest infraction (like walking behind a building instead of in front).
And those are just the women.
Do prisoners perhaps have more comforts than they should? You might make a case that cable is kind of a ridiculous idea, except that often the equivalency programs inside utilize local broadcasts of remedial reading programs and such like that. If you’ve got cable already, it’s not such a big deal to broadcast it to community rooms, where prisoners gather which means, you know, they aren’t sodomizing people like Ace in darkened cells and showers…
Yeah, who needs to visit your loved ones when you can get brutally raped?
Watching TV is punishment enough, there’s no need to compound the brutality with HIV, hepatitis (besides, blood makes a poor lubricant: it dries too quickly until its mixed with other fluids for sloppy, but slick, seconds) and the old-fashioned clap.
Of course, it was, once again, our valiant sisters to the fore: it was a lesbian couple who sued. We boys owe them lots, just like we need to offer props to the Filipina drag queens of the Stonewall who fought the cops while wearing cha-cha heels. You go, girls! Freedom isn’t free.
It still astounds me that, in 2007, there are people treat prison rape so lightly, as a joke of little consequence.
It revolts me, but it does not astound me, Bill. These are the same people, in many cases, who treat state-sanctioned torture and the violent invasion and occupation of a foreign country with that same casual Nelson-Muntz-esque “Ha ha!” It’s a breathtaking lack of compassion and empathy, but it’s not something that we don’t see every day from people like Ace.
Of course, we’re all discounting the possibility that Ace equates rape with sex because that’s the only way he can ever geet any…
Just to blogwhore, I did some ranting about this over at my place. Ignore as you see fit.
yeah, Nelson Muntz is about right (wrt Ace and others of that general ilk). at best they’re like a bargain basement PJ O’Rourke. more often, though, it’s a lot closer to Cartman.
Well, my astonishment is over how revolting people are capable of being, so it’s sorta the same thing. But actor212 is more than likely right about Ace.

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