The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


1. Tibby’s mouth problem was indeed an abscess which broke late last night, thus allowing him to eat a little, and to also stop looking like John Podhoretz on one side of his face. And, what with the Clavamox and the antibiotic salve, he is feeling much better, and probably doesn’t need to visit the vet – at least, not unless he wants to pay for it out of his own allowance money.

2. Bix’s lip is looking much better today. I suspect that he may have been bit on the lip by an ant, since last night I saw those little, mean ones swarming all over the patio where he was hanging out. Plus, I think these ants had been watching “The Naked Jungle,” that old Charlton Heston movie about the killer ants who ate everything in their path — plus, sources say these ants were all hepped up on goof balls, and were loosely affiliated with al Qaeda. Anyway, so, no vet’s visit for him either, unless he takes a turn for the worse.

3. Tibby still hates me, but Bix has agreed to let bygones be bygones. The rest of the cats tolerate me as long as I have food. The dogs worship me as a god, but only as long as I have food. The ants are trying to kill me.

4. The White House just announced that honesty, while a reasonably good policy under certain circumstance, is not actually the BEST policy, particularly when you work for Dick Cheney. So, the President used his magic constitutional powers, and commuted Scooter Libby’s prison sentence.
“I respect the jury’s verdict,” Bush said in a statement. “But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby’s sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison.”
Or, translated from the original politicalspeak: “I respect the jury’s verdict, even though they are morons who don’t know that lying is an important part of what we do in Washington, and I also feel that it’s important to let people believe that we have a system that dispenses equal justice to everyone, whether they be rich or middle class, white or whiter, GOP heavyweights or lowly White House aides. But, come on, all Scooter did was lie to investigators and obstruct a little justice, and I think we’ve all done that — and do we ALL deserve jail time? If this keeps up, the next thing you know they’ll be putting people in jail for drunk driving! Anyway, I’m the President and the Decider in Chief, so I say that Scooter goes free. Neiner, neiner, neiner!”

So, you have your marching orders: let the obstructing and lying begin!

P.S. To those of you who were wondering, Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D. is a real person who really is a professor at a real university (that he despises). And he actually gets paid for his columns — every month or so, when somebody calls him on something he writes, he denounces them as a member of the transgender/feminist/liberal/hippie conspiracy, and announces how many firearms and other penis replacements he is buying with the proceeds from the column they object to. Plus, he gets $1,000-$3,000 a pop to give speeches to shiny, wide-eyed young wingnuts on such topics as “How to Win Friends and Irritate Feminists,” ”I Had An Abortion,” ”How To Collect Guns and Irritate Liberals,” and “Libel for Fun and Profit.” (Disclaimer: I don’t know if Dr. Mike actually has a prepared speech on that last topic, but I hear that he can expect a presidential commutation if he is ever sued for lying about stuff.)

I hope that answers your questions.

Posted by s.z. on Monday, July 2nd, 2007 at 8:00 pm. 

20 Responses to “UPDATES”
Glad they’re doing better. I’m having a similar problem with the ants. I suspect they’ve been attracted by the zombies. I put down ant baits, but as far as I know there are no zombie baits. Not sure why that is.
Digby notes that commuting Scooter’s sentence without pardoning him means he can still take the Fifth if asked to roll over on, you know, just, someone, anyone, totally nobody important at all or anything, right? While I suspect that’s giving Bush too much credit for intellect, I suspect it wasn’t actually his idea and Cheney had to explain to him with short words and big charts why it would be better than just pardoning him–assuming they bothered rather than what I guess they usually do which is to tell him to, for example, commute the sentence and then praise him for having had the brilliant idea of commuting the sentence.
Our president is an intellectually lackluster eight year old. How the hell did this happen?
well, technically this is one of the few, if not the first time, that aWol has upheld his oath of office, specifically the “nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted” part of the Eighth Amendment. a 56 year old guy named “Scooter” and federal pen would be a textbook case
and good to hear the kitties are doing better. tuna works wonders in regaining their love (or at least a lessening of their ire)
Okay, so who had July 2nd on the football pool grid? I overshot the mark and guessed July 4th, y’know, so that nobody would hear the actual announcement under the roar of the orchestra and the fireworks…
That cocksucker Scooter… even in months-old file footage (like he’s even IN this country, anyway — y’all KNOW that his swaggering midget ass is in DUBAI) he’s an arrogant little fuckface. I’m sure that Dick Cheney is just so fond of the top of his head…
And Preznit, when did you get so fucking lenient on these motherfuckers? Like you give a fuck if Scooter chips a fucking nail in Club Fed… that bitch has never even SEEN the inside of an actual jail or prison, let’s not kid ourselves, he was NEVER headed for Levinworth.
At any rate, yayyyyy for teh kittehs! And don’t worry, S.Z., they’ll forgive you at some point, even though you were actually trying to HELP them, we all know how cats are. Give ‘em all some love for me.
Cypress hasn’t forgiven me for the other cat nor the housemates. When we took Iala in for spaying, she stayed overnight. Cypress was unbelievably cuddly the whole two days. “Yay! You finally got rid of it!”
Iala came back the next day, and Cypress has been holding a grudge since. So when I say I’m the only living creature she even remotely likes, it’s still all relative. If she knew how to get the Fancy Feast on her own, I’d be dead by now.
And Preznit, when did you get so fucking lenient on these motherfuckers? Like you give a fuck if Scooter chips a fucking nail in Club Fed
yeah, just what the fuck was I thinking?
mebbe I read too much Perfessor Dr Mike Adams, PhD this AM and it scrambled my few remaining synapses.
then again, mebbe I was being ironical. take your pick
My money’s on B.
Thanks for the hot poop on Dr. Mike. I didn’t know Clown Hall was a Heritage Fdn. project. Gakk!! Uhrrrk! AAhnts!!!Etc.
I hate, detest and loathe that our, “President” commuted Libbey’s sentence. Yet another screw-up, by the Gentleman C scholar.
“Real”? Yes. “Person”? That’s debatable.
So basically Dr. Mike is just a low priced hooker…
Scooter’s pardon is hardly even worth talking about. I didn’t think you could sink lower than Paris’ three days in jail, but apparently, I should have known better.
I never found the “hooker” metaphors that convincing. We all sell our bodies in different ways, sometimes we sell them to type, or to do heavy lifting, or to cook or to teach children, or even to have sex. There’s no lack of integrity in that. You work with the skills you have.
If Dr Mike believes what he’s saying, then he’s selling his mental health, and his compassion toward others, and his humanity. If he doesn’t, he’s selling his honesty.
I’m not sure what you’d call that, but it seems worse than honest whoring, to me.
Thanks, S.Z.,
You answered questions I didn’t even knew I had!
Glad to hear the varmints are on the mend.
D., precious, darling, my beloved origami queen — you’re giving “Dr.” Mike credit for A)mental health, B) compassion, C) humanity, and D) honesty.
How many things do you see wrong with this sentence?
As one of my favorite stickers on teh pickup sez, “If you believe that there’s good in everybody, then you haven’t *met* everybody.”
Dammit, I hate it when I fuck up the HTML tags.
Well, no. I was merely suggesting he might have been born with the potential for all of the above. He may also have been born with the potential for a sense of humor though I admit I’ve seen no evidence of that. It may merely be an atrophied gene.
Well, the system is officially broken.
Back in the heyday of the Aztec empire, there were different punishments for people of different ranks; a crime that might just result in a publicly humiliating head-shaving and warning for a commoner would carry the death penalty for a noble, because they should fucking well know better.
500 years later, and we in the USA have given up on the idea that the powerful should even be punished the same way as normal people.
Fuck, we’ve given up on the idea that the powerful should be punished at all.
We have less social integrity a 500 year old dictatorship.
And it’s not just Bush, although that shithead hasn’t helped any, the whole damn system has gone wrong.
I want to know what to do about it.
We all sell our bodies in different ways, sometimes we sell them to type, or to do heavy lifting, or to cook or to teach children, or even to have sex. There’s no lack of integrity in that. You work with the skills you have.
[slaps forehead]
Why don’t people tell me these things?!
D. Sidhe,
Ah, but you draw the distinction even as you smooth over the differences!
Honest whoring is not hooking, and since nothing about Dr. Mike is honest…
Dear SZ, would you mind terribly emailing me your snailmail address? I have something for you. At your leisure, and thanks in advance.

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