The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Michael Medved Wants The Homos Out Of His Head!

Michael got wind of this story, which we talked about last week, and it’s made his porn ‘stache pinwheel like a Burlesque comic’s trick bowtie:
Gay Prison Visits Provide State Supported Sodomy
Well, if they won’t use my tax dollars to extend the Red Line subway down Wilshire Boulevard to the Santa Monica Pier, I guess this’ll have to do.
The very idea of “Gay Conjugal Visits” for prisoners sounds like a bad joke, but officials of the California penal system are to worried to laugh.
Or to spell correctly.
Because of the state’s new “civil unions” law, the gay convicts who linked themselves to partners before incarceration are now entitled to scheduled sessions of intimacy, just like their married counterparts.
Ordinarily I ignore most flamingly ignorant right wing screeds about the Pink Peril, but in this case…I don’t know…What with Michael’s high, girlish voice, his Village People-vintage mustache, and his habit of frequently throwing out the bitchy “air quotes,” I can’t help but feel that he just really knows what he’s talking about.
This means that prison staffers who spend their time in desperate efforts to prevent behind-bars gay conduct, including rape, must now assist selected prisoners with trysts involving their “domestic partners.”
So rape is “gay conduct?”  Hm.  Say, Mike, I’ve got a nutty idea.  How about we put you in a prison shower room with several of the more muscular, enthusiastic perpetrators of behind-bars rape, and see what happens when you call them gay?  I think this could be the best episode of Punk’d EVAH! 
This absurd innovation exposes the true nature of the so-called gay rights agenda: it’s not about equality, it’s about governmental promotion of behavior that many Americans still consider disgusting and immoral.
Sure, movies, music, TV, and the Internet may all exert some minor influence on our youth, but nothing shapes today’s schoolyard fashions like an equitable application of a civil rights statute.  It’s Phat! 
Gay conjugal visits should cause the public to look past platitudes about love to focus on the raw actuality of male-male eroticism.
Because that’s where all the good whacking material is! 
Is this practice – with all its hygienic, physiological harm—really deserving of governmental (and prison system) support?
Well, actually, no, Mike.  Not unless you shave your back. 
 

32 Responses to “Michael Medved Wants The Homos Out Of His Head!”

because prisoner-on-prisoner rape isn’t a violent crime, it’s a thing gay people do.
You could grow lush, verdant plants in what passes for Michael Medved’s mind, but they’d be too tainted to eat.
Interesting comment on the name “Medved” from Reason.com:
the friendly grizzly | June 9, 2007, 7:31am | #
Medved is an Anglicised spelling of Medvyed, a transliteration of the Russian for “bear”. There is also an entire sub-culture of homosexual men known as “the bears”, usually husky or muscular men with facial hair. It came into being more or less as a backlash against the whole idea of homosexuals being thought of exclusively as pretty-boy types.
Medved and Michael “silly savage!” Savage have such an obsession with homosexual acts that I really DO wonder if these two are closet cases.
Link to the whole story:
http://www.reason.com/blog/show/120651.html#717980
What does “Medved” mean?
“Medved is an Anglicised spelling of Medvyed, a transliteration of the Russian for “bear”. There is also an entire sub-culture of homosexual men known as “the bears”, usually husky or muscular men with facial hair. It came into being more or less as a backlash against the whole idea of homosexuals being thought of exclusively as pretty-boy types.
Medved and Michael “silly savage!” Savage have such an obsession with homosexual acts that I really DO wonder if these two are closet cases.”
From the comments @ Reason.com. For more:
http://www.reason.com/blog/show/120651.html#717980
I love the twisted thread that wingnuts like to weave through gay rights to gay sex to male-male sex to anal sex, without ever touching on facts like, uh…
1) Gay rights not being solely about sex except where existing heterosexual rights are
2) Not all gay people are men
3) Not all male-male sex is anal sex (indeed, I understand not even a majority)
4) Many heterosexual couples regularly engage in anal intercourse or anal play without any negative repercussions
5) Michael Medved is an assclown
You had me at #5.
Yes,Medved is right. We need to focus on the mechanics of gay sex. Because no heterosexual prisoner has ever had anal or oral sex during a conjugal visit.
Let’s play the game “Michael Medved is so stupid…”
I’ll start:
Michael Medved is so stupid, he once walked into a trophy shop, looked around, and said, “Wow. This guy’s really good!”
Michael Medved’s so stupid, he thinks Camus is a killer whale.
Michael Medved is so stupid, when somebody asked him what time it was, he took off his shoes and socks, looked down, slapped his forehead and said, “Oh yeah! That’s for counting to 20!”
Your turn…
Michael Medved is so stupid he thinks he’s capable of social commentary.
M. Bouffant, interesting you should ask
One of his books was a work of fiction called Vital Signs, in which the protagonist wrestles with his attraction to masculine beauty. “I choose to override my desires for men when they swell in me”, Weiner wrote, “waiting out the passions like a storm, below decks.” At one time, Weiner self-published his own zines featuring inflammatory pieces about gay sex at San Francisco bathhouses. He was apparently opposed to such things. But he was a friend of beat poet Allen Ginsberg, the very, very out gay author of Howl. In a 1970 letter to Ginsberg, someone signed Michael Weiner described a semi-erotic encounter he had had with another man in Fiji. Weiner says he did not write the letter, though the return address was in Honolulu, where Weiner resided at the time. Savage now describes his one-time friend Ginsberg as “latrine slime,” and says that upon hearing of his death, “I clasped my hands together and prayed to God. I said, ‘Thank you, God, for answering my prayers. One of the blights of the human race is gone.’”
I don’t really think the man is authentically anything. If he was a “leftist” he was a You don’t have to be a weathervane, you can sell out and buy one leftist, he played whatever sex the famous guy he latched onto wanted him to, and he turned conservative when it became a growth market.
Amazing how much his story reads like Roy Cohn’s, in some respects…
Michael Medved is so stupid he thinks he thinks.
It’s official now – Medved spends more time thinking about gay sex than any gay man I know
Medved’s comments indicate a CLEAR internal conflict with his own precarious sexuality. “Raw actuality of male-male eroticism”? That sounds like something you put on the back of a DVD, the kind with costumes and big sets and multiple camera angles.
To paraphrase a quote from Family Guy: “Medved’s so deep in the closet, he’s finding Christmas presents.”
I think it’s cute that Michael Medved actually had an almost original thought.
Paging Dr Phelps! Dr Medved would like a consult!
Gay conjugal visits should cause the public to look past platitudes about love to focus on the raw actuality of male-male eroticism.
As a slasher, I’m way ahead of you, Mike.
Shorter Michael Medved:
“Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?”
Anne, I love you, entirely on the basis of your writing style. So where do I find your stuff? You may drop a URL in my comments section (follow the link) or email me, if you like.
hdsidhe at gmail.com
Also, I bet Dr Mike couldn’t badfic A-Team to save his life.
This absurd innovation exposes the true nature of the so-called gay rights agenda: it’s not about equality, it’s about governmental promotion of behavior that many Americans still consider disgusting and immoral.
Jesus Christ I hate Medved. “Many Americans” still consider interracial marriage disgusting and immoral. I find the idea of Michael Medved engaging in coitus disgusting. So what?
To paraphrase a quote from Family Guy: “Medved’s so deep in the closet, he’s finding Christmas presents.”
To quote Tom in Gimme Gimme Gimme verbatim, “He’s so deep in the closet he’s in fucking Narnia.”
You know, I didn’t do that on purpose, but it turns out Mr Mike is a Dr Mike as well. Nutritional Ethnomedicine…
Gay conjugal visits should cause the public to look past platitudes about love to focus on the raw actuality of male-male eroticism.
I agree with you there. Oh wait, we’re supposed to be disgusted with eroticism.
Were we? For that matter, is Medved, really? One would expect more loaded words than “eroticism”.
It’s official now – Medved spends more time thinking about gay sex than any gay man I know
shouldn’t that be “… Medved spends more time thinking about gay sex than any other gay man I know”
Gay conjugal visits should cause the public to look past platitudes about love to focus on the raw actuality of male-male eroticism.
Must I really? I have no problem with the raw actuality* of male-male eroticism, I’m not exactly sure why it should occupy much space in my mind. I ponder on a lot of goofy shit, this is true, but I figure men who are actually activly interested beyond my “Hey, y’all have fun” stance have the matter pretty well in hand.
Keeping my mind straight with “a specific female-Matt T. eroticism” fills time quite nicely, thank you very much. I never have figured out how the Medved’s of the world can keep their own backyards clean with all this worrying about two dudes sucking face. I realize that’s a loaded statement just ripe for snark, but I’ll let y’all run with what you wish.
* And by the way, just what the hell does “raw actuality” mean? Anyone? Is it like “sensitive existence” or “uncooked cosmos”, the latter of which sounds like one of the jam bands I used to see in college. And they probably sucked.
it’s about governmental promotion of behavior that many Americans still consider disgusting and immoral
I consider it disgusting and immoral to vote for Republicans, but you don’t see the government doing anything about THAT, do you?
I have no doubt that Medved is himself a repressed homo. He wasn’t a wingnut before he met his psychologist wife Diane. She’s probably the first and only woman he’s been able to function sexually with and she holds a lot of influence over him. One of the first interviews i saw with the newly conservative Medved was a joint interview with his wife, who dominated the interview with her own homophobic views. Perhaps it was just defensiveness considering what she must know about her husband.
I never saw that interview-can you remember anything they said in it?
It was a long time ago. Late 1980′s I want to say, on a PBS program about gay families. Michael started to speak and then Diane took over and talked about how gays cannot form families and that they were misusing and attempting to redefine the term “family” in a way that was detrimental to society. It was standard ultra-conservative boiler plate but what struck me is how she took over for her husband, because his response to the questioner(who was always off screen)didn’t satisfy her.
To paraphrase a quote from Family Guy: “Medved’s so deep in the closet, he’s finding Christmas presents.”
My favorite variant of this is “Narnian”, as in “He’s so far back in the closet, he’s in Narnia.”
“Narnian”? I LOVE that-I’m gonna have to find a way to use it (shouldn’t be difficult when discussing wingnuts).
Hasn’t Dr. Diane undermined any credibility she had by, um, marrying Michael Medved? I mean, there’s no way I’d trust the opinions of anyone who, upon meeting that prissy whiner, thinks, “THIS is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The only man ever want to have sex with. The only man I ever want to see naked.” I mean, think about it-assuming she’s an old-fashioned gal who believed in waiting til the honeymoon, there was some period prior to that in which she pictured having intimate relations WITH MICHAEL MEDVED. (Ewwwwwwww!)
As for Mikey himself, please stop implying he’s a repressed homo. I don’t want him on my team. You folks can have him. Just because he was a “confirmed bachelor” until he was 36, and just because he has a moustache associated with ’70′s porn stars, and just because he’s obsessed with what gay men do in bed together…I’m not making a good case for his possible not-gayness, am I?
From the studio that brought you “50 Years In Iraq,” comes the faaaaaabulous new horror film, “Teh Heterosexuality of Teh Medved,” starring the very, very hetero-and nakedMichael Medved! See it with someone you hate! Also starring Max Headroom, Charro, a tin of Spaulding tennis balls, the late Wayland Flowers, and a small scrap of lined, yellow paper. Now showing in crappier cinemas everywhere*!
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*nowhere near you, and thank your lucky stars!
Marq, I stopped reading after “naked Michael Medved” because the nausea was to intense to continue. The Medveds have three kids. That means after the first time, Diane wanted to do it again…twice!
ew.
ew ew.
ew ew ew.
ew ew ew ew.
ew ew ew ew ew….
(It’s hard enough for me to stomach the fact that TWO men wanted Midge Dector. But THIS? Just…EWWWWWW!
Ah, well. At least MM doesn’t want teh head outta his homoz! That’d be disturbing! (and, confidential to Bill S.; ew!)

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