The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Death, Disease, and Dr. Mike

Well, the black kitten, although a fighter, just couldn’t overcome the ravages of whatever was afflicting his tiny body, and he died Friday morning. But his mother is doing well, and once she gains a couple of pounds (I bet she weighs less than five pounds right now) and I can get the mats out of her coat, she will be a beauty.

And just when it looked like the cat emergencies were over for a while, I noticed that Tibby wasn’t eating. Today his right cheek is very swollen, but he cries in pain when I try to examine his mouth, so I’m not sure what’s going on — maybe a bad tooth (even though he’s only about 2 years old), or maybe something imbedded in his mouth, or maybe an abscess from a wound — in any case, I guess it’s a trip to the vet as soon as we can get an appointment. (My cats always seem to schedule their crises for the weekends, when there is no vet care available.) In the meantime, I gave him some of the antibiotic I have for the mother cat (which Katharine gets the honor of naming in exchange for her very kind donation to the cause of Universal Kitty Health Care — and yes, for a generous donation of your own, you too can name something, or be appointed an ambassador to the cat people, or something equally magnificent). Anyway, when I touched his mouth I must have hurt him, because now Tibby hates me, and is hiding in the basement. You really don’t see much gratitude from cats in these kinds of situations.

And I just noticed that Bix’s lower lip is red and swollen — he was eating okay just a couple of hours ago, so I’m guessing this isn’t anything life threatening, but he’ll have to get examined too, I fear. I changed all the food bowls from plastic to ceramic (my set of salad bowls), and put some Neosporin on his lip, and now he hates me too. If he gets together with Tibby and Jet (who hates me because he now gets “lite” cat food) and foments a cat revolution, I’m pretty much doomed.

But in other news, here’s an excerpt from Dr. Mike’s latest column, My Favorite Political Quotes, which is a collection of “hilarious” quotes that Dr. Mike made up when he ran out of made-up stories about his oppression at the hands of butt-ugly feminists, smelly hippies, homicidal colleagues, and lame students.
16. “Mike Adams’ assertion that I grabbed Chelsea’s (backside) is both false and defamatory. I think we can all agree that Chelsea is not nearly as hot as Ms. Lewinski. The charges simply lack any indicia of credibility. I demand an apology. And I also demand a cigar.” Bill Clinton.
15. “I regret to say that my hand did, in fact, have an improper relationship with Chelsea Clinton. The incident represents a profound lapse of judgment for which my hand takes sole responsibility.” Bill Clinton.
Yes, when you run out out ideas for your column, you can’t go wrong with incest humor!

Posted by s.z. on Monday, July 2nd, 2007 at 2:47 am.

20 Responses to “Death, Disease, and Dr. Mike”
Sorry to hear about all the trouble with the kittens. My cat had two litters of kittens a few years back, and all of them died both times. Kittens just have really poor survival chances in the early years of life no matter how much you care for them. Uhh, sorry, I guess that might not make you feel better after all…I’ll be praying to The Great Will of the Macrocosm for them. Hope it works out for the rest of them.
Ohh, and Dr. Professor Mike, Phd. is still a twerp.
My condolences on the black kitten, darling S.Z.
It’s high kitten season down here (as in, tit-deep in gorgeous, easily-adoptable kittens, both feral-become-tame and born-tame, which isn’t nearly as erotic or fuzzy-wuzzly as it seems), and what breaks my heart is that not only are Cat Haven and CAAWS both overrun with kittens, but that if a black kitten is trapped and neutered, we have to just turn it back loose (“return to native habitat,”) because none of these superstitious assholes around here will adopt a black cat, the stupid cunts.
I’m sure that he knew that he was loved and cared for so well, and no matter where he ends up in out the ether, he will never forget you.
All of my best wishes for your sickly/injured/anarchist kittehs — if there’s anything that I can do to help, please let me know, k? If we don’t hear from you for another couple of weeks, I’m sending in a search team supplied with Meowie Wowie in large quantities, to distract them from your captive position.
And, um, no offense honey, but I damned near lost my eskimo-pie-on-a-stick at the Mike Adams quote. Not nice.
Although you HAVE given me an idea for Halloween cards… heh heh heh… A random Dr. Mike generator, that’ll print out his most horrific statements and slap ‘em onto postcards with pictures of Cheney The Impaler, from deep in his lair under the White House… We could make a KILLING!!!
I categorically state that I have never had sex with my grandmother … um, at least not after I married my sister.
Y’know, Annti, it took me a couple minutes to figure out what you were talking about when you said people won’t adopt black kittens. I hadn’t even THOUGHT about that superstition in many years, ’cause I’m, um, a FUKING ADULT! People really are that stupid? That’s very discouraging.
I know women can’t stand the half-baked misogymy of Dr. Mike Adams, Ph. D.I.C.K.-that’s a given. I’m sure even the women in his family roll their eyes everytime he speaks, and probably make faces at him when his back is turned. But what I wanna know is: Am I the only GUY who wants to just kick him in the balls until he coughs them up?
God, he’s really desperate, isn’t he.
Maybe he should go on tour with Ann Coulter.
Er…that’s “FUCKING”, not “FUKING”(although “fuking” sounds like a potentially good epithet, if someone wants to invent a meaning for it). And I meant to write “misogyny” in the second paragraph. Danm tyops.
Left by Bill S on July 2nd, 2007
“Am I the only GUY who wants to just kick him in the balls until he coughs them up?”
No. You are not. And I’m certainly not the type to wish violence on most anyone, but guys like that are just…damn.
Aw, S.Z., I’m sorry about the kitties. I hope the kids aren’t too sick, good call on changing the bowls out. You never know if it’s something contagious and plastic doesn’t sterilize well.
I just spent the last of my inheritance on drug refills and a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide, but we’re closing down the impromptu homeless shelter this fall, so there may be some future budgetary leeway for causes that are less lost than the housemate.
Annti and Bill, my older kitty Cypress is a black cat I picked out because she’s a black cat. But, I am pagan. And, okay, I’d have taken her home anyway even if she’d been yellow-green with pink dots, because she rubbed against me and meowed pathetically and how can you not love that? It turned out, of course, that she’s the most neurotic thing on four legs ever, but I’m still the only living creature she even remotely likes, and she still rubs against me.
She’s sort of the polar opposite of Mike Adams in that way. She’s emotionally dysfunctional like he is, but unlike him she doesn’t take it out on everyone around her and somehow manages to not be a total asshole.
And julia, I would so totally buy tickets to attend that tour–with a bag of rotten eggs in hand. I’ll buy Bill’s ticket, too, even if I have to rent myself out to do it. Because that would absolutely be worth seeing, especially if there were boots involved.
Mind you, I believe the thing about his grandmother to be a libel–the man’s just a motherfucker is all. He couldn’t charm *anybody’s* grandmother.
Ugh, bad news on the feline front, hope everyone else is OK…(as I type I’m looking at 11 lbs. of cat who was found at the age of eight days, covered in fleas & severely dehydrated.)
Does this Dr. Adams ninny get paid for that crap, or is it just some deal where any fool not actually advocating the violent overthrow of the gummint can post what he or she will, in a true town hall style? I’ve already read something there today by a (female) college student bemoaning the “lack of real men” in the context of that recent wrasslin’ unpleasantness. (They’ll seize on anything to repeat their squawking points, won’t they?)
I’ve loved all my kitties but No-Fear and DAVE were all black ones and just had personalities that sparkled…….everyone loved them and they are sorely missed by all. That said, I was in the market for another black baby but the neighbor cat lady came by with a basket of 7 white with blue eyed kitties and told me, “You really need one of these”. I sighed and said, “No, I need two”. A 360 degree situation. Smudge is so named because of a small smear of gray on top of her head (which looks to be disappearing so she may be ill-named) Evangeline is the most beautiful name and the longer haired girl recieved that one. Of course they are also fondly known as the “Aryan Sisterhood Terrorist Duo” since I’m a prison guard and gangs are just a part of the job. I don’t however, consider MY job as stressful as Scott or S.Z’s who research such cretins as Dr. Mike, Goldberg, Coulter and all the other idiotic wingnuts out there just to keep me informed (and shuddering)I would hope to have good quality and plentiful drugs to do THAT job! Thanks both of you!
wow, that column by adams was incredibly lame. it reminds me of that poorly-written random family guy humor.
Well, this one is kind of cute:
8. “There are three things I fear in this world: Osama, Obama, and your mama.” Mike S. Adams in an interview with Chelsea Clinton.
Why is it not surprising that Dr. Mike is scared of the possibility of a woman or an African American as president?
One wonders if Chelsea should hire herself a bodyguard and get a TRO out…
…on Dr. Mike.
Aw, damn. Sorry the kitten didn’t make it. Take comfort in knowing that you’re the anti-Frist.
Boy, was I ever naive. I thought there couldn’t be anything worse than Dr. Mike, Storyteller, but then I read Dr. Mike, Stand-up Comedian. What will he treat us to next? Dr. Mike, Erotic Fiction Author (with plenty of steamy Ann Coulter scenes)?
Bill S:
Am I the only GUY who wants to just kick him in the balls until he coughs them up?
If he had balls he wouldn’t need to buy all those guns, would he?
Re black cats: when were the Salem witch trials again? Hmm, 1692*. How sweet to see the Old Ways preserved…
I must confess I am afraid of stepping on Karma in the dark.
Unfortunately, we can’t be as kind to feral cats here. There are too many vulnerable native species. Fortunately, our feral population seems orders of magnitude smaller than yours. Now possums (the Australian marsupial, not the North American) on the other hand are just vermin and must DIE DIE DIE.
* Got the date from Wikipedia. Wanted to see what Conservapedia might have to say, for a giggle (I do like their motto: “Wahrheit macht frei”.) Apparently Salem is the state capital of Oregon, but there’s no Salem in Massachusetts, goodness me no. Witch Trials? Never heard of them. Must be some kind of LIEberal smear campaign.
I admit to tripping over Cypress in the dark on a regular basis. Her habit of playing doorway speedbump doesn’t help any. And yeah, mine are indoor cats. They were anyway, and prefer it these days, but one year early on we got some fucking prick from the local megachurch taping “Halloween is EVIL! WITCHES! WITCHES!” crap to our doors which went on about how black cats are the tools of Satan (And you know I can almost agree when she pees in inappropriate places, but by that definition most male humans with their aim issues are also tools of Satan. The cat’s fifteen. If I’ve got that much control over my bodily functions at ninety, I’ll be happy.) and a couple days after Halloween we get news stories about some other fucking prick setting a black cat on fire just for the fun of it. Cause and effect? Probably not. But it’s just not fucking safe out there for the fourlegs, especially the black ones.
And Mark, I would expect the steamy love scenes to involve Doug Giles, whose latest is must-barf-over reading. Doug and Mike both seem to have serious daughter issues.
Okay, I vote that we ship all of the homeless kitties to MENTIS’ HOUSE!!!!
What, whattayamean, “quarantine,”??!??!?!
Pfft. Fuck that shit. We’ve got kittens to move, dammit!
The PetSmart adoption event this weekend was a no-go; 80+ kittens, between Cat Haven & CAAWS, and it rained like a motherfucker and nobody came in.
But at least I know that Sissy (formerly known as Fuzzy-Wuzzy, when she was feral and uncatchable and I didn’t know the sex), this gorgeous tortoiseshell/calico mix with lynx-tuft ears, is safely in the arms of Cathy, the wonderful woman who runs Cat Haven’s feral program, until she finds a permanent home.
And yes, it’s true about the black kittens. Most feline-adoption programs won’t even TOUCH adoptions during October here, as sick and immature and silly as it seems. When I lived in NOLA, my two spoiled chirren were ALWAYS inside cats, because every suburban-white-trash thug or thugette with too much fucking free time would STEAL black cats around Halloween, for pointless fake-”voudou” circle-jerks, etc. Yes, there was a certain danger from the santeria and legitimate voodoo sects as well (witnessed it with my own eyes, didn’t need to see it twice), but not nearly as large a danger to black cats as just young, dumb, and full-o-cum fucking teenagers with beer bongs and cheap blotter.
Being semi-incarcerated in West Redneckistan (only slightly north/nw of Klan Central where I was spawned), I found it unbelievable that the protestant mouth-breathers were so fucking phobic of black cats, but these are the same people who, when a perfectly harmless wiccan woman sets up her candle shop, BURN IT DOWN AND SPRAY-PAINT THE RUINS WITH “WITCH! DEMON! WHORE! THIS IS GOD’S (sic) PUNISHMENT!,” etc.
See where I’m going with this?
People who believe that Pat Robertson actually HELPS people (instead of keeping his diamond & gold mines in S. Africa running) and who think that a rubber bracelet that says “abstinent” will stop AIDS in Africa.
You see my consternation, I’m sure.
My two fat, spoiled black cats have been two of the best things that ever happened to my life, my one remaining source of unconditional love, and if any stupid motherfuckers ever THOUGHT about touching a hair on their round, arrogant heads, well, Annti would be posting from prison.
Unfortunately, ignorant redneck bigots can’t see the value in cats like that.
Well, I do know in my area some shelters won’t adopt out black cats in October because they’re worried about the aforementioned fucking pricks doing a cut rate Bill Frist on ‘em. I can’t blame ‘em, really, but I’d be happier if I thought they were hanging onto the black ones to adopt ‘em out in November. I have a feeling they don’t all.
Thank you for writing about the kittens. This week has been devastating. I am a foster mother with my local shelter, together with cousin Betsy and now my boyfriend Ron. Thursday we picked up Cinderella and her 6 kittens. The whole family was beautiful with kittens under 10 days old. Friday Cinderella ate Baby Forest. She is presently in the Shelter hospital recovering from a terrible infection and not having milk. Saturday we lost Baby Chance. Sunday we lost Sunflower. Monday we lost Spencer and Rascal. Today Joy was put down out of her extreme pain and fear. It has been horrid, but I am glad they were not alone and were all held and with ones that love them when they left us. Thank you for sharing your kitties. Now we have healthy happy Kathy and her 4, Torti and her 5 and our own 6 – Spencer, Murray, Tuxe Marie, Tansey Elizabeth, Halleygirl, and Patches. thank you, traci

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