The World O' Crap Archive

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Saturday, October 1, 2011

Bette Midler Bombs Away!

In keeping with our theme of Gay Pride Month, here’s a little glimpse at Your Tax Dollars At Work, courtesy of Talking Points Memo:
Thinking outside the box.
In 1994 the US Air Force looked into the possibility of creating a non-lethal ‘gay bomb’ which would breakdown unit cohesion in opposing armies by spraying them with a chemical that would spontaneously make them into homosexuals.
How quickly it would take for the mystery chemical to make the opposing soldiers gay is not clear. But presumably it would have to be pretty fast. No period of sexual confusion or questioning.
Yes, Iraq would be a cool breeze, if only we could turn our enemies into sissy marys like Alexander the Great, or Lawrence of Arabia, or Julius Caesar, or Frederick the Great, or the Sacred Band of Thebes, or the Ottoman Janissaries, or any of those limp-wristed, femmy sword flashers from the days when men wore skirts.

Because when you’re in huddling in a foxhole under fire, the first thing you worry about is whether the other guy is teh ghey.

Well, the first thing you probably worry about is getting killed.  But the second thing…

Actually, the second thing you’re mostly likely concerned about is getting a few hours sleep, and maybe a little relief from the trots, and the lice in your pubic hair, but the third

Well, the third thing you’re probably thinking about is getting some hot food.  And a drink.  But after that…you’d probably like a shower.  And after 36 hours in a muddy hole, you probably don’t really care if the guy sharing the bar of Lifebuoy has an extensive collection of Judy Garland LPs.

But once you get back to the barracks, and slip into a fresh set of BDUs, and have a shave, and a decent meal, and maybe a couple or three beers, and a good nights sleep in actual sheets, then yeah, you’re gonna be properly concerned about the possibility of gays having infiltrated your unit.

Man.  I really can’t figure out why we’re losing in Iraq.

21 Responses to “Bette Midler Bombs Away!”
Pondersome, existentialist, and yet not a drop of bullshit in it. Good post, Scott.
Well, if it’s one of them pansy fellers in yer foxhole, at least you won’t have to worry about a lady soldier in there w/ her Gingrichian monthly “infection.”
Or do sissy boys get that, too?
So, there’s no thought that this could backfire, so to speak? That perhaps these newly gay warriors might decide to get a bit of an exotic American — hey, they can screw their own anytime!
What if the gases from this bomb spread to the Americans on the shifting wind?
Oh wait, this is brilliant, we’d have one big “love in” — an orgy for the history books. I love this idea! Makes me think of the slogan Make love Not War. Who knew this bloodthirsty government of ours might be into free love?
I’m sure Arlo Guthrie is giggling right now.
Since it seems American generals like Pace are the ones afraid of teh gay, it would seem that we would run away if the now FABULOUS islamofashionistas attacked our throbbing hetero men.
And why hasn’t anybody turned this into a film yet? Think of a gay bomb gone awry…it would be like “Dawn Of The Dead” but with much nicer shoes.
Give ‘em time, Johnny.
Me, I tried to picture this scenario in “24″–dude torturing another dude with dripping wax, nipple clamps, and oversized buttplugs, to stop Ellen from detonating a Gay Bawmb in Washington AC/DC–and my frontal lobe ran off crying.
Cited in Bronowski, Michael (2003) Pulp Friction, St. Marten’ Griffin, New York, pp. 277; citation is Miller, Marcus, (1969), Gay Revolution, Pleasure Reader, Unknown (no longer in print):
Dr. Ashbury knew one thing about his new drug, methialine: It [sic] changed ordinary men into raging homosexuals. He knew it because he had experienced the transformation himself. Dr. Ashbury had always suspected that this was true, but he wondered how methialine brought this ingredient to the surface and made it dominant. And this was only on of the questions that tormented him. Once men [sic] had tasted methialine and become homos [sic], was this effect permanent? Was there an antidote to reverse the process? And most important, what would happen if he slipped his drug into the water supplies all over the world, filling the globe with homosexual love? Since Ashbury was a practical man, he decided to try it and find out . . . .
Sacred Band of Thebes
Their first album was their best.
I found actual video of the test of teh Gay Bomb…
SciFi writer Brian W Aldiss’ novel “Barefoot in the Head” presented a future Europe ravaged by a war in which the main weapons were airborne psychedelics that caused whole armies to fall down, laughing hysterically…but then the winds carried the stuff to the general population, government offices, the story’s narrative voice… I read it over 30 years ago but I keep remembering the final line of the book:
As for the gay weapon? Sure, you could win a war with that. It’d take about 40 years, though. The women of the target country, all lesbians now, would be far less likely to bear children–if they wanted a sperm sample to have kids w/o dads, the donors would be busy doing other things. Sooner or later everybody ends up all old and stuff, in nursing homes and trailer parks, and your army can move in for a quick mopping-up operation.
“Judy Garland LPs”? Darlings, us au courant fags have her downloaded onto our iPods.
Like, for sure they never developed it. My bet is they did, and tested it on a bunch of soldiers who were arab linguists just to see what would happen…
Well, my first thought was “this thing’d have a lot more civilian applications. I even came up with an ad campaign: “Now Every Night Can Be Halloween”™. I pictured men all over the country, forced to watch a chick flick with their wives, or look through fabric swatches, asking, “Honey, where’s the inhaler?”
But, y’know, this is the military, and not just the military, the Air Force. The fact that they’re the ones with the bombs is not the only reason they figure so prominently in Dr. Strangelove. Which then gave me the idea that the whole thing might be a test: tell the ground forces the enemy has been hit with the Homo bomb, and anyone who’s real enthusiastic about going in gets discharged.
Your Tax Dollars At Work
Well, it’s better than the army spending money on psychics or faith based initiatives.
Because when you’re in huddling in a foxhole under fire, the first thing you worry about is whether the other guy is teh ghey.
our primary weapon is fear. fear and surprise…
A Judy Garland LP collection? It IS cause for alarm if the military is recruiting 60 year old boomers needing to augment their income until full SS benefits kick in.
I’ve noticed that the people who are most concerned about the detrimental effect of gays in the military are, with very few exceptions, people who wouldn’t risk actually serving in the military themselves.
It’s almost exclusively the concern of chickenhawks.
Johnny M, I’m sure there’s probably a gay porn flick with that exact plot. After all, there’s gay-porn parody of “The Ring”*, so why not?
*Not that I’ve, um, actually SEEN it.
I thought the idea was that the enemy would instantly be more interested in falling lustfully upon each other than in fighting. Then our manly men sweep in and mop up.
L’il innocent, “mop up” figuratively or literally?

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