The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Maybe He Should Have Stolen Little Richard’s Jokes As Well

A court case has been filed on behalf of a 28-year old chimp, and Pat Boone thinks it’s a madhouse, a madhouse…!
Matthew’s lawyer says he only wants his client to be treated like a human child, to be declared a person, and granted four of about 50 rights enjoyed by Europeans: the right to life, limited freedom of movement, personal safety and the rightto claim property. And of course, a legal guardian.
In this country, he’d be lining up for food stamps, health care, a driver’s license, unemployment insurance, registration to vote (Democrat) – and, maybe later, application for citizenship.
I’m beginning to think Dr. Zaius was right.  Anyway, Pat doesn’t really care whether some Eurotrash judge grants citizenship to a lower primate, which would then, just as likely as not, gratefully present the magistrate with a fistful of ballistic crap.  However, the case does offer a chance for Pat to offer a sampling of the cutting edge political humor which has led some aficionados to call him the Bill Hicks of the Sansabelt and Early Bird Special set:
Why not run for public office? According to the Yerkes National Primate Research Center at Atlanta’s Emory University, chimps share 98.5 percent of human DNA – roughly the same as some career politicians! The same study claims the ape family shares many of the same characteristics as humans, but not capacity for written language or complex emotions, such as guilt or shame. Sounds perfect for some congressional seats, some court benches and chairmanship of some big oil companies.
I’ll give you a moment to catch your breath; I’m sure I heard a couple of you laughing so hard you did a Metamucil noser; although it could also have been the wheezing typical of a heart attack.
Still, some legal analysts warn of a danger in giving apes equal legal status because an animal’s rights could conflict or even supersede a human’s rights in future court rulings, says USA Today. Richard Cupp, at Pepperdine University’s School of Law, having written extensively on animal vs. human rights, says, “I’d call it a slippery-slope-plus.”
By now you can probably see the man-on-dog moment approaching from miles away…”If we let gays marry, then Jane will leave Tarzan for Cheetah!”
I guess so …next thing you know, the flaky California Supreme Court, already declaring that marriage no longer has to be defined as a covenant between one man and one woman, may quickly grant that status with all its benefits to a man and his chimp, a woman and her ape, or – God forbid – two male gorillas!
Which is as good an opening as any to plug Pat’s upcoming show at the Comedy Pet Theater in Branson, Missouri, where today’s conflation of monkeys and minorities was just as taste of the hilarity Pat has in store for you.  (I don’t want to ruin the surprise, so I’ll just say…if you thought John McCain’s woman-raped-by-a-gorilla jokes were hilarious, well then, buckle your seatbelts boys, ’cause Pat and his sidekick Koko are about to tickle your funny bone with some of today’s finest in non-consensual transpecies humor.  Oh, and ladies, be sure to dress modestly, or Koko might think you’re asking for it.)
On a more serious note, I’d like to take a moment to address an issue of utmost importance to Pat’s readers, judging by the ads accompanying his column:
For too long, America has been sidetracked by weepy-eyed liberal issues like poverty, teen pregnancy, failing inner city schools, and rising income disparity, while ignoring a problem that torments many of the Bush Administrations’ most loyal supporters; an affliction which weakens our moral authority in the Free World, and robs us of the confidence necessary to carelessly fling “crappy little countries against the wall” and advise them to “Suck.  On.  This.”  No red-blooded American male can dare issue such a bold challenge if he is secretly nursing the heartbreak of Man Boobs.  Suppose the jihadis took him up on his dare and indeed sucked it?  Or sucked BOTH of them?  Even worse, suppose, while they were flagrantly sucking on it, his nipples become engorged, and his Man Junk grew tumescent.  And worst of all, suppose all this arousal caused him to began lactating from that pendulous maternal pair he’s concealing behind an Ace bandage and an oversized Chicago Bears stadium parka?
This, my friends, is what killed the Roman Empire:  Man/Monkey marriages and a superabundance of He-Hooters.  Also, jungle music, but we’re okay on that score, because Pat Boone stood athwart History and shouted, “Stop.  In the name of love!  Hey, that’s a pretty good song.  Mind if I rip that off and sing it on the Perry Como Show while you wallow in the ghetto obscurity of Chess Records?  Cool, thanks for the meal ticket. By the way, did anyone ever tell you that you bear a crazy resemblence to a chimp…?”
Posted by scott on July 21st, 2008

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