At the Wall Street Journal, the strain is becoming unbearable. Neck muscles corded, eyes popping, skin glazed with sweat, the WSJ.com writhes in its bed like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, fighting the urge to bolt upright and scream, “Can’t you see that man is aNIG’‘–!” But the only relief they’re offered is a cool washcloth, and a few spoonfuls of Campbell’s Chunky Chicken and Euphemism soup:
Too Fit to Be President?Facing an Overweight Electorate,Barack Obama Might Find Low Body Fat a Drawback
Obama doesn’t resemble the typical voter, and that makes regular Americans fear he may not share our traditional values of belly and booty. Where’s his caboose? Where’s the fleshy cow-catcher cantilevered over his belt? Where’s the the atherosclerotic plaque caking his arteries like stucco texture-coating on a suburban rambler? But you only have to look at McCain to see he’s as American as Type II diabetes.
[I]n a nation in which 66% of the voting-age population is overweight and 32% is obese, could Sen. Obama’s skinniness be a liability? Despite his visits to waffle houses, ice-cream parlors and greasy-spoon diners around the country, his slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them.
Those taut, sculptured buttocks tell you all you need to know: this man is a little too slick to be trusted. Oh sure, he ate at the Waffle House. But he didn’t swallow.
The candidate has been criticized by opponents for appearing elitist or out of touch with average Americans. A Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll conducted in July shows Sen. Obama still lags behind Republican John McCain among white men and suburban women who say they can’t relate to his background or perceived values.“He’s too new … and he needs to put some meat on his bones,” says Diana Koenig, 42, a housewife in Corpus Christi, Texas, who says she voted for Sen. Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary.“I won’t vote for any beanpole guy,” another Clinton supporter wrote last week on a Yahoo politics message board.
And yet Fox News can still accuse Obama of cynically playing the fleshist card.
Dr. Scheiner didn’t disclose his patient’s exact weight, but medical observers estimate that the 6-foot-1.5-inch-tall senator appears to weigh at least 10 pounds less than the roughly 190 pounds that the average American man of his height weighs. The Obama campaign declined to comment for this article.
What are they hiding? Could those missing ten pounds be the seeds of a clone army of Obamas who would march remorselessly across the land, raising our hopes while lowering our sister’s panties?
At roughly 165 pounds, [Senator McCain's] weight is slightly above average for a 5-foot-7-inch man his age, according to nutritionists.
See? He’s above average. And really, haven’t we had enough of mediocrities in the White House? Vote McCain: He’s Mildly Huskier Than The Norm For An Old Man.
These days he stays away from junk food and instead snacks on MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and drinks Black Forest Berry Honest Tea, a healthy organic brew.
Hmm. That sounds familiar. Oh, right, it’s taken nearly verbatim from a press release by McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis:
Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day, demand “MET-RX chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew — Black Forest Berry Honest Tea” and worry about the price of arugula
(Sen. McCain is said to have a weakness for Butterfinger candy bars, jelly beans, and coffee and doughnuts from Dunkin’ Donuts.)
Because he’s a regular guy, just like your dad who died of a coronary at 53.
On a campaign stop in May at Lew’s Dari-Freeze in Milwaukie, Ore., Sen. Obama’s wife, Michelle, and their two daughters ate ice-cream sundaes and onion rings, while Sen. Obama grinned for the cameras and swirled a spoon around in his quickly melting ice-cream concoction, taking only a few nibbles.
Because if he dares expose himself to pure, wholesome ice cream from America’s Dairy Land, his tongue will shrivel and turn to ash in his mouth. Also, as he’s made of brown sugar, if you throw a bucket of water on him he’ll melt, leaving only a witch’s hat and a puddle of charisma.
But too much time in the gym can cause problems, as Sen. Obama learned last month after he made three stops to local Chicago gyms in one day, for a total of 188 minutes. The marathon workout session sparked a widely circulated Associated Press article titled “Obama Becomes a Gym Rat.” In it, the reporter wrote, “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if Barack Obama is running for president of the United States or Mr. Universe.”
If he wants to workout so badly he should clear brush and mountain. I’m pretty sure there’s a vacant lot on the South Side of Chicago where you could easily do both.
UPDATE: Steve at No More Mister Nice Blog has more on the author of the WSJ article, who apparently researched the Obama-is-too-fit meme and discovered, much to her astonishment, that she’s the one who invented it.