The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Cleaning The Catbox

I’m on deadline again, so I thought I’d just scoop a couple of the larger clumps of Wingnut Opinion, then spray Febreze around the place and worry about changing the litter tomorrow…
First stop:  Townhall, where prostitute phalange fellator Dick Morris asks: Are the Dems Suicidal?
If the Democrats obey Obama’s commands and pass health-care reform legislation by the August recess, they will be committing partisan suicide, akin to lemmings going over the cliff en masse…It smacks of the same kind of overreaching as doomed FDR’s second term in 1937 after his landslide victory in 1936.
Heed Dick’s words, Obama, for it was surely FDR’s excess of ambition which ensured Wendell Willkie’s election as the 33rd President of the United States.
Next, Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D offers a Master Class in Irony with this week’s column, You Aren’t Bipolar, You’re Just a Jerk!
It’s getting old, isn’t it? Everyone these days is bipolar or has some other chic mental disorder that he feels excuses his self-centered conduct.
Whereas Dr. Professor Mike can act like an insufferable twat and never offer any excuse whatsoever, somehow remaining convinced that he enjoys a moral and spiritual advantage over everyone he meets.  Whether these delusions represent a form of mental illness I am not, of course, competent to say, because I don’t have a Ph.D in criminology.
Having a mental disorder used to be a source of embarrassment.
We didn’t need anti-depressants, we had shame.  And we liked it that way!
But, now, it’s often a request for special treatment, which, when granted, fuels self-centered conduct. That’s why a pastor friend of mine now hears the claim “But, I’m bipolar!” in approximately 80 percent of his marital counseling sessions. This means that approximately 40 percent of the people he counsels are claiming to be “bipolar.”
Assuming his “pastor friend” is Doug Giles, I believe I can shed some light on this improbable statistic.  After listening to ten minutes of Giles’ increasingly high-pitched exhortations to “sack up for your savior!” and “bitch-slap your inner Barney Frank!” and “I’m a goddamnshark master!” and “Have you seen my painting of Jesus’s penis?  I made the pubes extra bushy ’cause I’m into that…” you naturally begin to suspect you’ve gone crazy.
Is there something in the water that is causing a massive outbreak in manic-depression and other mental disorders?
Nope, just some hormone-mimicking chemicals that cause cancer and sterility.
Just about everyone who really suffers from some form of depression (manic or otherwise) has something in common: He is engaged in self-centered conduct, which either a) actually caused the disorder (real or perceived), or b) greatly exacerbates the disorder (real or perceived).
Professor Dr. Mike is an evangelical Christian and a non-medical doctor, so I believe what he’s actually saying here is that depression does not have a psychological or physical origin, but is simply the result of lingering guilt over unexpiated sin.  This clinical insight means that the mentally ill are not entitled to receive the alms and pity that Christ commanded his followers to offer the sick, and it also allows Dr. Mike to hate both the sin and the sinner, since the latter is not only staining his immortal soul, but inconveniencing an Associate Professor at a minor university.
People who suffer from, or claim to suffer from, some form of depression usually respond in one of two ways:
1) They seek psychological counseling, which focuses largely on “talk therapy.” During these talk therapy sessions the patient pays a doctor to listen to him talk at length about himself and his problems. Since this is just another exercise in self-absorption, it rarely works.
As Dr. Mike (who isn’t really a doctor, but apparently likes to play one on the internet) tells his imaginary patients, the “talking cure” went out with Freud and frigidity, so forget what sources like the National Institute of Mental Health says about the effectiveness of psychotherapies, alone or in conjunction with medication.  After all, Dr. Mike has a Master’s in Psychology, and “turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.”
2) They seek psychiatric care, which usually results in a drug prescription. Paying someone to give you mood altering drugs, rather than addressing your behavior, involves a degree of self-absorption that simply cannot be ignored. But it usually is ignored. And that’s why the drugs usually don’t do the trick. In fact, they often lead people to suicide.
Depressed?  Ask your doctor if doing jack-shit is right for you.
Behind the two generally misguided approaches to curing depression is the common fallacy that our emotions are usually the causes, not the effects, of our behavior. But, in reality, it is our behavior that usually shapes our attitudes and our emotions.
Yes, it makes no sense that emotions would motivate behavior, when the science of Sociology/Criminology has proven that we only experience emotions as the result of our actions.  For example, nobody is going to listen to some smarmy douchebag belittle the problems of people struggling with mental illness, get angry, and then punch him.  It’s much more likely that someone would punch another person suddenly, out of the blue, then get angry at them.
If you don’t believe what I’m saying I want you to try a little exercise the next time you wake up in a bad mood. All it involves is simply forcing yourself to smile and exchange simple pleasantries with every stranger you see during the morning hours. That simple act of saying something nice and seeing a return smile will kill any bad mood in less than half a day. It has a success rate of about 100 percent.
Bad mood > clinical depression.  So there you go — Dr. Mike can diagnosis your character flaws (what those witch doctors at the NIMH call “depression”), and in a fraction of the time he can achieve the exact same results as medication or years of psychotherapy: an urge to commit suicide.

Posted by scott on Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm

28 Responses to “Cleaning The Catbox”

I’m glad to see that Dr. Mike is still the biggest douchebag on the Internets.
I hereby sentence Dr. Mike to be hanged by the neck until he cheers up.
On behalf of crazy people everywhere who are not nearly as stunning jerks as Dr Mike is, I’d just like to advise him to fuck off.
Buddy, I got fucking *exorcised* when I was a kid because they thought I had *demons*. It didn’t work. Holy shit, it didn’t work. Neither did my father beating me nor my mother telling me to just get my shit together. You know what’s working? Anti-schizophrenic drugs. I’m not exactly delighted with them, but without them my partner would have thrown me out on my unbearably asocial ass, so I think I’ll stick with them and give your guilt theory of disease a miss, thanks.
I’m no more pleased than most crazy people at assholes and racists claiming they’re crazy and hoping to get away with more than actual crazy people do (you want to know how often “but I’m crazy” gets you out of trouble? Nowhere *near* as often as it gets you *into* trouble, baby.) but I’m aware it’s a lot less common than people assuming you’re just an asshole when you *are* crazy.
So, if we assume Mike’s right and he’s not crazy, what’s his excuse?
Also, do we get to see Mike’s column on “You’re not being politically incorrect, you’re just a jerk”? I’m guessing not.
“Dr.” Mike is a truly hateful person, a poor excuse of a human being.
Paying someone to give you mood altering drugs, rather than addressing your behavior, involves a degree of self-absorption that simply cannot be ignored.
Why, he almost makes doctor-shopping for Oxycontin sound likea bad thing! Were he a GOP elected official, we’d have to put him on Apology Watch, stat!
Dr. Mike himself is an interesting case study in mental illness. To what formative experiences can we ascribe his all consuming narcissism, his brittle ego his inability to feel empathy for others and constant fantasizing about his perceived enemies? These are the characteristics of a psychopath. His predeliction for guns and his misogyny can be added to this explosive mixture. I truly hope that no child has been entrusted to the care of this man.
But I was in a jam and Jesus told me to take the anti-depressants!! He also told me to clean my room. Fuck you Jesus – you’re not the boss of me!
Fuck you too Dr. Mike.
Dr. Mike, have you ever heard the expression “Physician, heal thyself”? I mean, seriously, somoeone who spills out acres of aggressively misanthropic, narcissistic and antisocial whining on the Internet is now counseling the clinically depressed to turn their frowns upside down. It just takes insensitivity to a whole new level. If there is a god I sure hope he’s helping out the poor college students who are forced to take this asshole’s classes.
Next, Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D offers a Master Class in Irony with this week’s column, You Aren’t Bipolar, You’re Just a Jerk!
Has Dr “Totally Not Gay” Mike met Pastor Swank and had a total bromance with him that ended badly?
Speaking as a currently medicated clinically depressed individual, I can say 100% that were it not for by meds and my therapy, I would be either a. contemplating suicide or b. dead. So, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, “Go cram your ass full of napalm and swallow lit matches, Dr Mike”
I’m speechless. What a fucking fuckwit.
I suppose that Doctor Mike has had to have met each Obama voter in the South by now if he took his own advice !
Yeah, meds make my life possible if not wonderful. Dr. Mike shouldn’t speak about mental illness unless he owns up to his and gets treatment. If there’s treatment for being a jerk.
I dunno the name of this wingnut school of psychological fascism, where the least amount of “sucking it up” & a healthy dose of shame (or a good beating) will “straighten” you right out, but it’s the exact bullshit offered by the “No More Mos” school of gender-role re-enforcement Christian Queer Curing.
You know, make the gay gals wear lipstick & stop playing softball, & get the gay gays to stop w/ the lipstick & start playing softball in a non-gay bar league, then everything’s the way it should be; all un-natural desires will disappear as soon as you start acting appropriately.
So as our scab of a nation is being driven insane, Xian counselors, pastors & the like are telling people (Who, for starters, are so effed-up they would go to Christian counseling ) to just suck it up & act normal. Good idea, because there aren’t enough disturbed & untreated wackos wandering around loose as is.
P.S.: “Talking cure,” my ass!! Only available to self-indulgent Hollywood millionaires. And I’d agree w/ Dr. Moron about the self-absorption.
Try the M. Bouffant/Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health approach: 15 mins. w/ a “shrink” every six wks. or so, so the shrink can be sure I can keep controlled for at least 15 mins. every six wks. or so.
Group therapy is bullshit too. What the hell do I care about strangers & their fucking problems? And why would I want them in on my troubles?
For some reason that probably has to do with my mental health or lack thereof, I’m fighting an overwhelming impulse to punch Dr. Mike in the face. Good thing he’s in Buttfuck, Georgia, or wherever he’s currently fouling his environs.
M. Bouffant, are you listening to Zappa right now too?
Ignorance is curable. Stupid goes clear to the bone and is ineradicable.
prostitute phalange fellator Dick Morris
‘Phalanx’ is the single form; ‘phalanges’ for the plural.
That is all.
Dr. Mike Adams, Ph. D.I.C.K.H.E.A.D. reached a saturation point of utter loathesomes last June, when he devoted not one, but THREE columns to the Frank Lombard child-molestation case. I won’t link to any of them, but I’ll give you the titles and dates, if you’re brave enough to wade through them: “Little Boy Blue Devil”(June 28), “The Advocate of the Episcopal Chhurch”(June 29) and “Duke Proffessors Condemn Gay Racism”(July 1). The first two left me physically ill, the third just made no sense at all.
Here’s the quote that convinced me that Adams is now beyond redemption as a human being:
“The good news coming out of this story is about Frank Lombard’s live-n homosexual partner. The affidavit in support of Lombard’s arrest warrent shows that he made special arrangements when molesting the child-sometimes even drugging the child-to make sure his partner did not find out.”
So…Lombard’s partner finds out the person he loves and trusts has been secretly molesting the five-year-old child they’re raising, and Adams calls this…GOOD NEWS?
And with THAT, Mikey has out-Coultered Ann Coulter, out-Pragered Dennis Prager, and out-Malkined Michelle Malkin. In a perfect world, I would be allowed to swing a tire-iron at his nutsack.
akin to lemmings going over the cliff en masse
I truly love it when people use this particular argument. The idea that lemmings go “over the cliff en masse” is complete bullshit, made up from whole cloth for a Disney nature film back in the fifties. The scenes of lemming suicide were all STAGED. Lemmings in the wild exhibit no such behavior.
So yeah, Dick – your claim is indeed “akin” to lemmings going over the cliff. It’s a bunch of made-up fucking horseshit no one with a three-digit IQ is buying. Of course, I guess that’s not your target audience, is it?
I was gonna post a comment about that too, Realist, but I was sidetracked by my hatred of Mike Adams.
That simple act of saying something nice and seeing a return smile
I guarantee that Mike Sadams has never said something nice nor seen a return smile. His whole life involves saying something gratuitously spiteful, seeing the face of “WTF,” and silently high-fiving himself for it.
That sounds about right, Flip.
There’s a glimmer of truth to the suggestion that smiling and being nice to people can help one’s own bad mood. As in, people think “Rugosa’s a nice person I can interact with” instead of “Rugosa’s a toxic black hole of a person I’d rather not talk to.” But, sometimes you need the meds to get you to the place where you can do more normal interactions.
Brian Schlosser, I’m in the same situation. But I don’t often point out the “medications (and twice-weekly shrink visits) versus being dead” observation unless I know the people, because people like Dr. Mike would be fine with the me being dead part. It wouldn’t be to his advantage to actually kill me, but he’d approve of me dying. It’s so convenient when the herd thins itself.
Have you ever started out being nice to someone rude because you are angry and want to dish out some grade-A sarcasm, and then all of a sudden you mean it (the kindness that comes from niceness)? It’s like tripping and falling head-first into a little patch of grace.
Antidepressants and therapy saved me from brief, disastrous affairs with sharp objects.
I devoutly wish Dr. Mike would crap on a landmine.
“crap on a landmine”
Sounds like a description of his columns. Or the state of his brain.
Surprisingly impressive blog column.

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