The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Okay, But I’m Gonna Stand Upwind Of K-Lo

Our old friend Bill S. is on vacation this week, and why he decided to spend it at Townhall I couldn’t say, but he was kind enough to stop in at the Gift Shop and pick us up a lovely, handcrafted sachet full of batshit crazy.  And it’s all local catch; you can’t get it this fresh and steaming in L.A.
Take it away, Bill…
So hold your nose and keep a barf bag handy. Which, if you’re visiting the Townhall Site, you probably already did.
Not too long ago, conventional wisdom seemed to dictate that gay marriage in America was inevitable.
And then it actually became legal in four states, which proved such wisdom was correct.
But something has changed. Carrie Prejean has had an effect on us.
For some of us, that effect was nausea. For others, a desire to point and laugh.
That’s the argument made by my friend, Maggie Gallagher…
Kathryn, Maggie and Carrie. Sounds like a wingnut version ofHeathers. I think we know which role each has, too.
…the gay marriage movement took a blow this past November, when proposition 8 passed in California…The sea change just may have come when pretty, empathetic face came onto the national scene.
Appearing on the Miss U.S.A. pageant in April of this year, while Prop 8 was passed in November of last year.  Time’s Arrow just took a U-turn.
A young beauty contestant was asked about her position on gay marriage…
And proceeded to toss out a garbled bit of word salad:
“I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage  should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anyone out there but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be between a man and a woman.”
…heterosexual culture has not done what it should to protect marriage. But our falling short-individually and culturally-is no reason to call the whole thing off and erase a cornerstone of civilized society.
Okay. For the one millionth time: allowing gay couples to legally marry will not ERASE the rights of heterosexual couples to marry. Why do people have such a hard time grasping that? Oh, and K-Lo, you do realize that what you just said was: “Just because we’ve proven that heterosexual couples aren’t better than gay couples doesn’t mean they aren’t.”
Gallagher writes: “Same-sex unions are really not just like opposite-sex unions when marriage is in question. Celebrating all forms of adult romantic love equally is not a very good justification for redefining a fundamental institution whose public purposes reach far beyond the affirmation of romance.”
Wow, it’s not every day you see someone get beaten up by their own strawman. Now, it’s possible that I’ve failed to follow her tortured line of reasoning, but I’ll try. She seems to be saying that even if gay relationships are equal to heterosexual ones, that’s irrelevant. Marriage is about legal rights that have nothing to do with the nature of a couple’s relationship. Therefore, marriage laws should be based upon…the type of relationship they’re in.
Did I get that right?
…it’s not impossible to find members of the non-heterosexual community with an ambivalent view of marriage.
Ah yes. The ambivalent are so fiercely vocal.
…fashion designer Valentino Garavani was asked if gay marriage should be legal. He answered: “For myself, all these years, I never thought about it in terms of changing the laws…I am neither for it legally, or against it, so I have no personal agenda here.”
Not particularly political, this answer can’t be taken as an outright opposition to gay marriage.
In fact, it’s so neutral, only an idiot would try to spin it that way.
But to these ears, there seems to be an acknowledgement of an inescapable truth: There is something transparently different between two men who decide to spend their lives together and a marriage.
Like I said…
And unlike the most strident advocates of gay marriage, who spent the time during and after the proposition 8 campaign intimidating  and punishing those who supported the measure…
Yeah, and the supporters of Prop 8 took the high road of lying their asses off.
…most of us who oppose gay marriage are not looking to exclude anyone from any type of happiness.
Except for the type they don’t personally approve of, even if it doesn’t take anything away from them (the footage of that marriage ceremony is quite possibly the sweetest thing I’ve watched on the internets all year.)
Carrie Prejean is now a face of that kind of tolerance. The contrast of her measured, mildly offered opinion to the angry, ugly Internet response from beauty-contestant judge Perez Hilton, who asked Prejean the fateful question, was striking.
In that his was more coherent. K-Lo seems unaware that, to most of the LGBT community, Perez is a colossal jackass, an embarrassment to us all. I can sort of understand why that’d be a hard concept to grasp for someone who maintains a friendship with Maggie Gallagher.
While Republicans were tripping over themselves to pose with the party’s Log Cabin branch…
In what frakkin’ parallel universe?
…a beauty queen made it okay to confidently acknowledge reality
Namely, that there’s a sizable chunk of Americans who are ill-informed, gullible, fearful of progress and easily impressed by anyone who affirms their prejudices, no matter how badly they express them.
…in a loving and beautiful and tolerant way.
And let’s not forget modest.  (Caution, the following program contains beauty queens and Hannity.  It is not intended for mature audiences.  Adolescent discretion is advised).
We leave you now with a little palate cleanser: Michael Callen’s rendition of “Where the Boys Are.”

Posted by scott on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 12:43 pm

21 Responses to “Okay, But I’m Gonna Stand Upwind Of K-Lo”

Yes, the country has turned so far against gay marraige that a corn and bible belt state like Iowa has legalized it. With each state that allows gay marraige, we come closer and closer to defeating gay marraige!
Hey scott, was my original link to the LA Times piece on the lies spread by prop 8 supporters faulty?
Should be working now, Bill. Sorry about that.
…the gay marriage movement took a blow this past November
I thought that was the whole point.
a beauty queen made it okay to confidently acknowledge reality
Past her fake tits, lifted brows and straightened teeth.
1. For the effect thirty years of not listening to any side but their own has had on the Reagantots’ (and religious prigs’) ability to construct a logical argument, see former NRO editor Lopez, K. J., “Winds Shifting on Gay Marriage”, or just listen to Welles’ speech from The Third Man.
2. I have no idea who Valentino Garavani is, though “fashion designer” and “recent documentary about his life and career” suggest he has been highly successful for some time at leveling the imbalance between many people’s taste and the size of their bank accounts, which further suggests that he and his “business partner and longtime companion” have sufficient wealth and standing that they needn’t concern themselves with the legal protections and advantages recognized marriage entails, or the basic bigotry that keeps a large segment of the population from choosing them. I don’t quite understand why this is something one would want toshare with the world, exactly, though perhaps shallow self-absorption is a good way to establish a deep-down connection with the audience in that business. At any rate, I’m not sure why the opinion of an apolitical gay man on Central European Time trumps that of Steve and Brian across the street here. Ask somebody who speaks K-Lo.
3. Finally, I love the construction “Liberals said x was inevitable, but, oh, wait! Prop 8 was defeated!” As though her side is devoid of political machination, and anytime it is reflected in some plebiscite (Mormon-funded or no) it’s because some great wellspring of Eternal Truth has been tapped.
I thought it was odd that she selected a 77 year old multimillionaire from Italy as an example of how your average middle American homo feels about gay marriage too.
I think it’s because she can’t wrap her head around the fact that most gays and lesbians don’t lead “fabulous” lives.
Like everybody else, most are stuck in menial, low-paying jobs that suck.
I was gonna go into detail and explain why mine does, but at least I HAVE a job to bitch about, so I won’t.
Considering that half of all U.S. marriages end in divorce, and the other half probably rue the day they ever *met* their spouse, I think Gays are very brave indeed. Very likely their participation will greatly improve the whole significance of and durability of marriage.
“…but he was kind enough to stop in at the Gift Shop and pick us up a lovely, handcrafted sachet full of batshit crazy.”
(and yes, I’m jealous.)
Now, Bill…
“Sounds like a wingnut version of Heathers.”
Okay, see, right off you’ve hurt my feelings by slandering one of the best movies to come out of the ’80s, and then some. Fuck, I’d have been less hurt if you’d used The Witches Of Eastwick,” and I fucking LOOOOOVE that movie and everybody in it!
But to acquaint “HEATHERS” with this LOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOOSER, well, Bill, I can clearly see that you missed the point of the Dran-O Smoothie Hangover Cure altogether.
And then this… MUUUUCH better..
“For the one millionth time: allowing gay couples to legally marry will not ERASE the rights of heterosexual couples to marry.”
Y’know, Bill, every time that some knuckle-dragging, beady-eyed, mouth-breathing fucktard with the Murkin flag sprawled across her sagging tits says similar inanities to me (”Them QUARRS is tryin’ to KEEL mah MARR-IDGE!” — ne’er a more appropriate malapropism was slobbered…), I wonder… ‘But what if itCOULD?!?!?!’
What if letting EVERY long-term gay couple to marry on the entire fucking PLANET could somehow DISSOLVE the meaningless/fiscal-rewards-only/maniacal-breeder-fetish “marriages” of the dumbest heteros out there? Would that not be a fuckin’ HOOT?!?!?! Fuck, it would COMPLETELY CHANGE OUR TAX STRUCTURES, and SINGLE people who have the restraint to NOT BREED might FINALLY get rewarded for having COMMON SENSE!!!!!! Fuck, this could be the KRYPTONITE to STUPIDITY!!!!!! J-Lo & Marc Anthony could divorce but remain friends b/c of the kids, as they each left their closets, Tom Cruise could finally find the Jeff to his Mutt and free Katie of the bonds of Scientology, OH, what a wunnerful world it could BE, if we really COULD destroy teh idiotics’/ignorants’/inbreds’ unholy unions!!!!!!
Well, fuck, it’s worth a thought, anyway. Let a vehement spinster dream, at least…
And y’know, after reading the LA Times editorial, I just wasn’t in the mood for “sweet” videos, bless their hearts, may the road rise up to meet ‘em, etc., but you know I ain’t no fan of teh legal tethering, and I sure as HELL ain’t subjecting my barely-post-op ass to HANNITY, at this or any other hour of the damned day. I’d be mad about it if you hadn’t thoughtfully provided a warning ahead of time.
But yes, you’re right-the-fuck-on in every laser-accurate, razor-sharp Truthy for every single one of K-Lo’s schizophrenic-delusional Lie-eys.
Finally: “Namely, that there’s a sizable chunk of Americans who are ill-informed, gullible, fearful of progress and easily impressed by anyone who affirms their prejudices, no matter how badly they express them.”
Brother, you ain’t never lied. Well, you have in prior instances, but that’s an affirmative colloquialism we tend to use down here, which gives you the benefit of the doubt, Schafley invocations notwithstanding.
And if you have this kind of free time on your vacation, honey,GET ‘EM AGAIN!!! KEEP GOING, BILL!!!
P.S. I shoulda read the comments before hitting that “submit” button, which is SOOOOO not up my alley…
THIS one was particularly amusing:
“‘…the gay marriage movement took a blow this past November’
I thought that was the whole point.
‘a beauty queen made it okay to confidently acknowledge reality’
Past her fake tits, lifted brows and straightened teeth.” — Actor 212
Not bad, not bad. At least worthy of a hearty golf-clap, bordering on the ultra-faux-hearty beauty-pageant clap as performed by the LOSERS.
And while I revile the “fashion” industry for its misogyny, its sickening obsession with making full-grown women (or burgeoning teenaged girls) look like PRE-PUBESCENT *BOYS*, and the OBSCENE amounts of money that people will spend on PURE-DEE VANITY, I cannot believe that our own Doghouse,a man of letters and consonants and vowels and all that shit, has never heard of VALENTINO. You know, you’ve seen him with LOLcaptions attached to his Oompah-Loompah “tanned” face! He’s EVERYfuckingwhere this year, because of that damned documentary. Yes, he IS an artiste, but what does he know from a healthy body image on a WOMAN?!?!? Even as Italian as he is, he still doesn’t grasp the idea that there should be something THERE to GRASP in the first place!
Tsk. Pop-culture fail, Doghouse. Go to the board and write, 10X,“I will read an extremely-illiterate edition of InStyle ‘magazine,’ cover-to-cover, AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, as my TRUE punishment.”
Back to Bill:
“I think it’s because she can’t wrap her head around the fact that most gays and lesbians don’t lead “fabulous” lives.
Like everybody else, most are stuck in menial, low-paying jobs that suck.”

Because, darling, as you have no doubt realized since you hit THAT submit button, if she were to deviate from the OUTRIGHT LIES, MISOGYNY and OVERPRICED BULLSHIT of her masturbatory boxed-set of “Sluts & The Shitty,” then she’d never get it up again! (Try not to forget that the clitoris, even when ensconced in a hairy neanderthal like K-Lo, IF she even GOT ONE WITH THE SET, is just a penis who stopped growing when it got tired and needed a smoke. But when she sees “Carrie” in one of those ‘could-feed-a-family-of-eight-in-THIS-country’ see-through slutmobile designer gowns, oh BABY, does K-Lo’s Little Man In The Boat STAND AND DELIVER A HEARTY SALUTE!!! Heh heh heh… get THAT image outta yer head!!!!!! Payback, my beloved, is, indeed, a muuuuuthaaaa FUCKAH!!!)
For frustrated don’t-know-how-to-be-a-”real”-lesbian types like K-Lo, worshiping as the faux-authoritarian altar of The Gay Man As Glamour Gawd And Teh Male Authority Over Slutty Rich Girls And Should Be Enabled To Remake EVERY Woman In America To Fit The Betty/Marilyn/Audrey Mold Of What A ‘Lady’ Should Be — well, as confusing as the concept is, it’s as close as she’s ever gonna get to self-identification or discovery. Okay, so she’s probably finally discovered her clit, with the aid of a Hitachi Magic Wand (don’t cringe, Bill, I bet that you’ve got one, TOO!), but she’ll never stop feeling “DIRTY” and “WRONG” for having broken the seal on that musty old beaver-coat between her legs with Japanese electronics, or stop her obsessive but guilt-plagued slobbering over the skinny gals on“S&TS.” Frankly, I think that she really misses those TRULY butch nuns @ Cath-lick skool, the ones who made her wash herself OVER AND OVER AGAIN, every time that she wet her seat in grade school as the nuns were spanking someone else.
(Have I scarred your retinas permanently yet? No? Good! Time for more fun!)
In other words, to this illiterate HACK who believes that if Spell-Check doesn’t underline it, that EVERY WORD USED IS CORRECTLY — if a rich, famous, respected “Teh Ghey” man doesn’t give a flying rat-fuck about the legal tethering of marriage, then NOBODY SHOULD, ’cause teh gheyz in FASHION truly, don’t they?, TRULY RULE TEH WORLD OF TEH GHEYZ. Like y’all are Freemasons, and the Fashion Designers are 33rd-degree Fairies. After all, haven’t YOU always felt that secret kinship with a man who can piss away money ON A GOLD-PLATED TOILET TO MATCH HIS TACKY BATHROOM, just like Donald Trump???
I know that I CERTAINLY feel “represented” and “spoken for by” the likes of Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore and Betty Page… Okay, so I’d give both my tits to charity for an hour with Drew or Betty (at ANY age!), but I never VOTED THEM INTO OFFICE. Do YOU remember there being an election, as to WHO represents the ENTIRE GLBT community, and all the various and sundry factions/flavors therein?
I sure as HELL am not getting stuck with SQUEAKY FROMME as MY personal rep, that’s for damned sure!!!!!! After all, us bi-girls are already slandered by the world’s worst porno, why should we be CURSED!???!?!? Just because she’s an INFAMOUS bi-girl, doesn’t mean that we CLAIM HER.
And thank you, Kathy, for another sane voice in the “WHY does ANYBODY actually WANT to get MARRIED?!?!?!?” sect. Aside from the SINFULLY UNFAIR tax breaks, the fiscal incentives to BREED-BREED-BREED, and the cheaper interest rates on mortgages and hotel reservations, I honestly don’t see the point. That ring, after all, is a millenia-old symbol of SLAVERY. No thanks. I’ll put a ball-gag on the right boy or girl when I so choose, but only if they’re consenting adults who are into that kinda shit. But they WON’T be wearing that shit out in public.Personally, I wish that the breeders had to keep all of the obnoxious evidence of what THEY do behind closed doors BACK AT HOME, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.ESPECIALLY THEIR MEWLING, NEVER-TRAINED, OBNOXIOUS SPAWN. The occasional PDA might be allowed, but for fuck’s sake, if you straighties have to play tonsil-hockey, GET A ROOM!
Well, my mom could give you answer to the “Why” question better than I could. She’s been married five times. The first one-I don’t know anything about him, except that when he remarried, his second wife gay my sister (his daughter) shit when she tried to contact him.
The second one-my oldest brother’s dad-passed away before he was five years old. Third one-my other sister and brother’s dad-split before they were old enough to go to school.
He’s still alive. He’s a drunken-ass alchoholic loser married to the most obnoxious woman I’ve ever met(she creeped me out by flirting with me…in front of my sister). I’ve only met them a couple times-last time at my brother’s funeral. They were still plastered-in fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear they hadn’t STOPPED since the last previous time I saw them.
That brings me to husband number four-my dad. They put off getting married and decided to live together. I didn’t find out until last year they tied the knot about a month before I was born. They were together for 24 years, till he passed away. Maybe I’m biased since he was my dad and all, but he was the best of the bunch. He wasn’t just a father to me and my younger sibs, but the older ones as well-my sister considers him her REAL father. And having seen them together my whole life, I CAN see why people would want to get hitched. THEY made it look like a good idea. They were the most supportive couple I ever saw.
Husband number 5-my stepdad-was a good guy. My mom and him were in their ’60’s when they met, so I doubt they had much incentive to breed. They lived together for several years before getting married. He died two years later. My mom seems to have retired from marriage at this point. I guess she’s earned that.
I do wonder though: why do the GOOD ones die, but the mouth-breathing troll exes get to walk around sucking up valuable oxygen?
er…his second wive GAVE my older sister shit.
(So close to avoiding a typo.)
Oh, Annti Dear, I didn’t say I’d never heard of Valentino. I said I had no idea who he was. It’s not pop-culture ignorance. It’s the result of decades of strenuous mental training.
Oh, Doghouse, you’re just trying to get out of having to read “InStyle”. Can’t say I blame you. “Highlights” is probably more literate. A features more realistic-looking females.
“AND features more realistic-looking females”???
Not yer day for typos, is it Bill… heh.
And Doghouse, I’m not buying it, either. Hie thee yon to a newsstand, buddy! And pick up a Highlights for Bill, too!
In the meantime, who’s got a spare room or a couch I can borrow? The white-trash-from-Crowley, one Jody Hornsby(rhymes with WHORE-NS-BE) @ J&M Property Management (if you call outright THEFT from the federal government “management.”) is trying to “intimidate” me with threats of AN ILLEGAL EVICTION from federally-subsidized housing for the disabled, ’cause I’m such a “problem,” silly me, for EXPECTING THAT DRILLING-MUD-FACED SKANK TO, OH, I DUNNO,DO HER FUCKING JOB, and maybe, just maybe, STOP STEALING FROM THE USDA’s RURAL HOUSING DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM.
Since I mentioned that I *knew* that they’d perpetrated rent-subsidy FRAUD against the USDA for OVER TWO YEARS, they then “evicted” the pseudo-tenant (aka resident crack whore, drug dealer, hooker, etc.; had 5 of 6 offspring taken away BY THE STATE because she keeps SHACKING-UP WITH CONVICTED CHILD-MOLESTERS — THAT’S the kinda people that they WANT in this building!) who was NOT occupying that apartment for over 2 years, so that there’d be no way for the USDA to bust their asses FOR REAL. Well, I’ve already put in reports with the state bureau and the federal agency about this shit, and tomorrow, after I’ve slept some, I am sooooooo gonna gnaw the ear off of our state Attorney General or whomever answers his phones.
I’d LOVE to post the relevant phone numbers for the douchebags in question, but I don’t wanna get Scott & S.Z. sued. When I’m up to it, though, y’all swing by my place, it’ll be there.
And Bill, dammit, when ARE you gonna get a blog and do this on a semi-regular basis, huh?
If gays can get married then they can engage in adultery. We must save traditional adultery for the likes of Ensign and Sanford!!
See, that’s something that I’ve never understood. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve more than had my fun, but I’m a MONOGAMOUS slut. When I still participated in those ridiculous mating rituals, anyway. Now I’m just keepin’ my damn self company.
But I have never understood the APPEAL of adultery. If you’re bored with that guy or girl, don’t “love” them anymore, wanna go get some strange, WHY ON EARTH would anybody wanna go to ALL OF THAT FUCKING TROUBLE to lie, cheat, sneak around, get on the down-low, WHATEVAH — even the BEST sex I ever had wasn’t worth THAT much effort! And I didn’t have to lie about SHIT to GET that best sex, either. Shame that HE couldn’t pay ME the same respect, but that’s life. That’s bi-boys.
I’m not innocent, in any interpretation of the word, I had that ONE married guy, who was full of more shit than a christmas turkey, but that was on HIM. His wife knew who I was, knew it was going on, but HE was still stupid enough to think that he was “getting over” on her. With a different girl at every tattoo convention, I’d imagine, knowing his appetites. Well, up until the age of 53 or so, when the shrinkage began to kick-in, after all of those years of body-building “supplements” and so forth.
ANNNNYYYYWAYYYY… I never understood why it was worth that much TROUBLE, when he lives in a COMMUNITY-PROPERTY STATE. Go ahead, make the jokes, I already know all of ‘em.
How fucking hard is that?
Yeah, everybody thinks about a piece of strange here and there, but if you are REALLY *IN* A RELATIONSHIP, then you know WHY you are there, and WHY YOU STAY. If it’s just “easier” to sneak and creep and go out on the down-low (yes, I’m talkin’ to all y’all little parasitic-type bi-boys out there, and the “straight” guys who play with you!), THEN YOU ARE **NOT***IN* THAT RELATIONSHIP.
Adultery is hardly ADULT.
I’m not interesting enough to have a blog. Granted that hasn’t stopped anybody before (NOBODY HERE), but I’d rather leave people wanting more. Too much of me, and you’d be bored witless.*
*I WAS gonna use a different word, but decency prevailed. For once.
Oh, and “The Wingnuts of Eastwick” WOULD have been funnier, so I wish I’d thought of that before.
We gotta talk about your definitions of “decency,” Bill… and you’re welcome for the WOE correction.
Y’know what else is “INDECENT”? John Lennon, Bill Hicks, George Harrison, Sam Kinison, Gilda Radner, Richard Pryor, JFK, RFK, Janis Joplin, Big Mama Thornton and Molly Sudgins are all dead, but BARRY MANILOW REIGNS OVER VEGAS(at least since Siegfried & Roy hadda retire…).
“Bored titless/shitless, etc.” doesn’t even touch the shore.
I was being ironic.
I didn’t mean to send your blood pressure up. Sorry ’bout that.
You think that THAT is ME with “my blood pressure up”???
Jeeeeezus aych on a fuckin’ cracker with a side of horseradish, Bill, it’s like you hardly fuckin’ know me anymore!
I am rather disappointed that my rather florid imagery of K-Lo’s rather furry/musty anatomy didn’t induce a widespread bout of seizures, screaming, and general eye-gouging thrashing about.
I must be losing my touch… *sigh*

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