The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, October 4, 2014

G.I. Blows

NOTE:  Comments are working again.  Our apologies for the inconvenience.
Our old friend Bill S. has once again generously used his vacation time to hunt down some previously undiscovered species of wingnut.  Here’s his field report:
Before I return back to work (Stomping my feet and whining, “I don’t wanna!”) I thought I’d share a discovery I made last week:Parcbench.  It appears to be a mainstream entertainment and pop culture site — there’s even a style section, with sample titles that include “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night!” and “D.O.G. (Death of the Gladiator Sandel).”
But then I ran across this little gem, reporting on an incident at theTeen Choice Awards:
Dane Cook was booed at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards on Sunday after joking, “Vanessa Hudgens! Girl, you gotta keep your clothes on!” He was referring to the second nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens that was leaked onto the Internet recently.
Dane, don’t you know that you almost got attacked by hundreds of teenage girls because they hold their pop icons higher than liberals hold their Messiah, Obama? We’re glad you were able to escape with your life.
Now that’s some creative wingnuttery, and it gives me an idea for another Wo’C contest.  But more on that in a moment…
The author also misquoted Cook; what he actually said was, “Girl, you gots to keep yo’ clothes on!” I was going to link to video footage to illustrate this, but I think we’ve all suffered enough, haven’t we?
In addition to its many other charms, this site offers up movie reviews, and since I’ve reviewed movie reviews here in the past (I was going to link to them but I think we’ve all suffered enough, haven’t we?), I thought I’d have a look at Chris Yogerst’s critique of the box-office hit G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra.  I should confess that, as of this writing, I have not seen the movie and its HoYay! title notwithstanding, I have very little interest in seeing it. In the first place, I’ve always had rather mixed feelings about Channing Tatum. I think it’s because his name makes me think of Carol Channing and Tatum O’Neal, a combination too horrifying to think about. In the second place I’m not a fan of live-action movies based on old cartoons or toys, and this movie is both. That’s a more unfortunate combo than the lead actor’s name.  But whereas my expectations for the film arer low, Chris seems shocked! to learn that:
Gi: Joe: The Rise of the Cobra is a watered down version of the Joe that we once knew.
I knew it as a doll that was, sadly, anatomically incomplete, and as a crappy cartoon that began airing in 1985.
The film was marketed as if it could be a pro-American “hoorah” kind of action film. Watching this film, I kept forgetting it was GI Joe. Then, I remembered an angry feeling came over me. How could they ruin GI Joe?
When there’s no place to go but up?
John Nolte said it best: “If it wasn’t for resentment I wouldn’t have felt anything.”
He just summed up every wingnut pundit who ever got a column published.
The end of the film leaves a door open for a sequel; in case Hollywood wants to offend America again (we can bet on that!) If Paramount green lights a sequel, let’s hope Michael Bay directs it. He may be a lot of things…
A hack, a douchebag, the Antichrist…
…but one thing he would never do is strip the patriotism from GI Joe.
Storytelling and character development maybe, but patriotism? Eh, not so much.
As a youngster in the early 1980’s, I remember loving the GI Joe cartoon and action figures immensely. ‘GO JOE” rings through my head.
Oh, that’s just too sad to make fun of.
There is nothing wrong with a group of people from different backgrounds working together, which is what our armed forces are anyway. But why can’t GI Joe still be an all American dream team?
Well — this is just a guess, mind you — perhaps it’s because a multimillion dollar movie might sell better in foreign markets if it were a little more universal in its appeal.
Everything American has been stripped from GI Joe and what we have is a melting pot of politically correct garbage.
Uh…dude? Grow up. Please. You put way too much thought into this. Look, I have fond memories of the Saturday morning cartoons I watched as a kid, but if I learned that there was going to be an expensive, live-action adaptation of Hong Kong Phooey, I think I’d probably just shrug and go, “Well, there’s a waste of time and money.”
I guess the site has a ways to go before it matches Big Hollywood, but there’s some definite potential here.
Now, back to that slam at liberals and Obama in the Teen Choice Awards story…Yes, it was an amazingly bizarre non sequitur, but I think that we, the readers and staff of World O’ Crap, can do better; so I propose a writing contest: find a bit of lite news that has absolutelynothing to do with the President, or political issues of any kind, and find a way to connect it to the wingnut outrage de jour.
What do you think?
–Bill S.

Posted by scott on Monday, August 17th, 2009 at 11:43 pm

20 Responses to “G.I. Blows”

Since the video game based on a movie often makes more money than the movie, the video game might sell better in foreign markets if the movie were a little more universal in its appeal ! It’s a little creepy that multi-million dollar movies are just advertising for the video games !
Okay, I’ll play:
LA Times this morning, “90% of US Currency Tainted With Cocaine”
And we’re only six months into the Obama Presidency. The guy who conducted the study notes that in the study he did two years ago (during the Great American Dubya admin) it was only 67%.
That figure is 95% in D.C., incidentally. Need I say more? When the country is being run by KNOWN COKE ADDICT BARACKCRACK OBAMAJUNKIE, what did you expect?
Something like that, Bill?
Now, where’s my wingnut welfare check?
Top that, slackers. :-)
The existence of this new theory that definitively refutes the old “theory” of “dark energy” proves that the “theory” of “global warming” is merely a plot by Al Gore, Darwinists and “Barry” HUSSEIN Obama to further weaken the economy which is already being threatened by the juggernaut of SOCIALIST MEDICINE.
Yeah, it’s all I got. No, wait, I got more. According to a new study, global warming is starting to cause some of the worst effects in Western Europe. You know what’s in Western Europe, right? The French. And since I’m given to understand that their national industry consists largely of fashion design, grape-growing, and cheese-making, I assume that what’s causing all this global warming over there is the fact that the French smoke. I mean, a lot. You ever met a French person that didn’t smoke? No, you haven’t, because they don’t exist. You know who else smokes? Barack Obama. Barack Obama is causing global warming so he can kill our auto industry by pretending it’s all their fault.
Take that, Chris!
Something about the GI Joe doll just occurred to me: what kind of message does it really send to young boys?
“You can make up for not having a penis by having lots of big guns to wave around”.
Well, it’s nice to know there’s a male equivalent to Barbie, so girls aren’t the only ones who grow up with a warped self-image.
Hm. Not good at this stuff, but…
South African athlete Caster Semenya could be disqualified due to speculations about her gender. The South African’s physique and powerful style have sparked speculation in recent months that she may not be entirely female. Officials are meeting to discuss the matter this afternoon.
This is more or less the exact same predicament Mr. Barack Soetero of Kenya, currently serving as president of the USA, finds himself in. His healthy physique and coherent oratory style has sparked speculation in recent months that he may not be entirely American. Armed citizens are meeting to discuss the matter this afternoon.
“You can make up for not having a penis by having lots of big guns to wave around”.
Wait… you’re implying that’s not true?
You can make up for not having a penis…
Science ponders ‘zombie attack’
By Pallab Ghosh
Science correspondent, BBC News
If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.”
Clearly, you can understand why we must act with preemptive attacks on all scientists before Obama unleashes them upon us all. If Dubya was in in power we would have very little worries about any scientific research taking place at all… And if it ever became an issue, he could swagger and pray it all away.
(Couldn’t resist the craziest headline I saw at BBC. :)
Those were all great! Keep ‘em coming. :) :) :) :)
If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.
At last, somebody willing to Face Facts! I’ve been saying it for years, people: Won’t Somebody Think of the Zombies?
Okay, second entry on the zombie thing.
You know that Barack Hoodoo Obama is in league with th’ undead, on accounta his Haitian, or Kenyan, or Indonesian or whatever origin.
Wake up, Obamabots!
“Pot farm fire reveals a troubling trend:
Drug rings’ operations in the state and federal forests are becoming more sophisticated, officials say.”
This is all Obama’s fault for not letting logging companies strip the hills bare, thereby allowing firebug pot-holders (hee hee) to burn the entire state of California.
Now you see how Barry Soetero — oops, I mean “Barack Obama” — and his shock core of ACORN thugs are using the taxpayer-funded cash-for-clunkers giveaway to kill simple mom-and-pop florist businesses! And also note that the florist business is located in the town of CLINTON!!!! A coincidence? Don’t be naive! Nothing is a coincidence where the Obamessiah is concerned!
P.S. I really think there should be a live action film of Hong Kong Phooey. Is that wrong?
Weird. None of the comments is any crazier than the reality.
Yes sophronia. Very, very wrong. Because Scatman Crothers is gone, and he cannot be replaced. Could Boris Karloff be replaced by Anthony Hopkins (narrater) and Jim Carrey(Grinch)? NO!
So it is with our beloved Scatman. So it shall always be.
Sorry, D., but I killed Bob Novak– ran the fucker down like a dog, I did, and never looked back.
You wouldn’t think an old guy using a walker could move that fast, but when he saw me coming on my bicycle, he high-stepped it, and I kicked into high gear, shouting “got ‘im!”* as I sent him flying into the trash cans outside his house that morning.
*Ref: “A Fish Called Wanda”.
The existence of Dane Cook’s career is proof that any sub-mediocrity can be famous and inexplicably popular — just like that Kenyan fella all the guys at the crackerbarrel are talkin’ about!
Last add Zombie Attack:
See also Daniel H Wilson’s How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion.
Example: if pursued by killer robots, head for a body of water; most robots will sink.
Lemme write that down–

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