The World O' Crap Archive

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

August 24, 2003 by s.z.


In the recent gushing piece in the New York Observer My Dinner With Ann, George Gurley uncovers the tender, womanly Ann Coulter who considers Joe McCarthy "a totally studly guy."  He also reveals that:
She said she was going to Los Angeles the next day . . .to meet with people about her own TV project. She declined to give details other than that she'll be the host.
Exciting news, to be sure.  While Ann has previously downplayed the idea of her own talk show, telling George a couple of weeks ago "The only people who can fire me are the American people. That’s part of the reason I’m not anxious to have a TV show. Who’s gonna give me a TV show?"
Well, apparently Satan or somebody has made her an offer.  It's possible that MSNBC might be considering Ann as a replacement for Michael Savage, who was fired after telling a caller to "Get AIDS and die!"  Ann would seem to fit right into that niche, even though she's not as decorative as Savage.
But Ann is pretty high on herself since her book came out (as demonstrated by her charging $46 to get a copy with an autographed photo).  So, I doubt she would be willing to settle for a spot on the lowest-rated cable-news network.  No, Ann is probably holding out for something more lucrative, like a network TV gig--maybe Katie Couric's job on The Today Show.  And now that Katie has been found guilty of being Hitler's mistress, the job should be opening up soon.
I see The Today Show: With Ann Coulter and Matt Lauer going something like this:
Matt:  Good morning, viewers.  Good morning, Ann.
Ann: Good morning, you retarded, treasonous, Clinton-loving, Left-Wing fascist.  And good morning, America.  My first guest will be 10-year-old Emily Farrah, winner of this year's national spelling bee.  Emily, tell us how you won?
Emily: I studied for four hours every day for the past two years, and then did my best during the tournament.
Ann: So, you're claiming that your cowardly, treacherous murder of thousands of people on American soil had nothing to do with it?!?
Emily: Um, my winning word was "hypocantileveltiouness."  That's what won me the championship.
Ann: Back in the 1400s, American Patriot Vlad Tepes killed thousands of your people, impaling them and leaving their corpses to rot around his castle.  If only the namby-pamby, girly-man Jimmy Carter had followed his example and taken decisive action back in 1979, then no innocent American lives would never have been lost on that fateful day of December, um, something, 1944.  Or do you DENY that you have a missile silo on a former Naval base in Long Beach, California--a base LEASED to you by traitors within the Clinton administration!!!
Emily: You're scaring me.  I want to go home!
Ann: Sure, you come to our country, get welfare checks (money stolen from hardworking Americans and doled out to smelly, swarthy, terrorist fifth-columnists like yourself, under Marxist social programs administered by the Democrats), and then you return to your heathen land with the proceeds, which you will use to blow up more Americans, just so that Neanderthal luggage screeners will have an excuse to paw my underwear! 
Emily: I'm from Idaho!  And my family works hard, and we worship God, and I don't think you should be saying bad things about us.
AnnAnd you're kind of pudgy!  I bet that's how you won the spelling bee--you sat on your opponents.  Ha ha, that was a pretty clever riposte, don't you think?
Emily: I think you're stupid and not very nice. 
Ann: Or you had sex with Bill Clinton!  Yes, THAT's how you won! 
Emily: I'm rubber, you're glue.  Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.  
Ann: Nuh uh!  It sticks to YOU!  You are a retard and, um, a baby-killing Nazi liberal, and you have cooties!
Emily: Takes one to know one.
Ann: You're a GIRL!  And I call no comebacks!  Ha, I won THAT one.  Now, after the break we will be talking with Martha Stewart, who may be an American patriot who was persecuted by the Democratic whiney-weasels who run the SEC, or who may be richer, thinner, and blonder than me, and therefore a traitor.  Come back when I've decided. 
Well, that's my idea of what it will be like.  It could be much worse--Ann could be offering advice to the love-lorn or something.  American people, I'm counting on YOU to fire her.

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