The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 12, by s.z.

Another Opinion on Jonny Quest Paternity Issue
--by Scott C. 
(Note: While Mr. C. is a valued WO'C staff member and owns large amounts of WO'C stock, these opinions are his own, and do not necessarily reflect the views of this blog.  Responsible opposing views are welcomed.)
I always thought this guy was Jonny’s father…

And frankly, it would explain the absence of any women in Jonny’s life, let alone that textbook I got in second grade, HADJI HAS TWO DADDIES. I long ago suspected that after a few too many Goom Bay Smashes at Tiki Ti in Hollywood, Race had an ill-advised one-nighter with Jezebel Jade, and then spent the next nine months apologizing to Benton Quest.
This theory was confirmed when I Googled "Race Bannon," and this is the first entry that appeared:

About Race Bannon
Race Bannon is a well-known figure in the gay leather community. Race is President of Daedalus Publishing Company, a company dedicated to publishing quality books about leather/SM/fetish sexuality. He is the founder and Director of Kink Aware Professionals, a free professional referral service for kinky people. He is the author of the book Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking, available at bookstores or through the publisher, Daedalus Publishing Company. He is involved in many community projects, such as the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. Now, along with being a writer, speaker, educator, activist and businessman, Race Bannon adds advisor columnist to his many endeavors.
So in addition to foiling THE ROBOT SPY and successfully prosecuting THE PURSUIT OF PO-HO, Race is one of the few cartoon characters qualified to advise you on whether the Three Strap Penis Cage (Men's Leather Fetish Gear Toys) is right for casual business wear.

4:36:31 AM    
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Ex-Super President Sues First Lady For Libel Re: Paternity Rumors
The rumors which we alluded to earlier of a scandal in the background of former Super President James Norcross were made public today when he sued First Lady Laura Bush for libel.

As noted previously, on Monday Norcross sued the Bush administration for copyright infringement; Norcross claimed that in the recent Showtime bio-flick, DC 9/11: A Time of Crisis, President Bush stole Norcross's super hero/President shtick, a gimmick Norcross had patented back in 1967. 

Just two days later, insider sources tell us that Laura Bush was informing all of her media contacts that Norcross was "not all that Super," bringing up allegations that Norcross was the real father of young Jonny Quest, son of Benton Quest, Norcross's former Science Advisor.

Norcross resigned the Presidency after serving only one year, citing "personal and saving-the-universe issues," leaving Vice President Jerry Sayles to serve out the rest of his term.  Sayles was immediately set upon by Richard Nixon, who threatened to give Sayles Indian burns and noogies until he agreed to let Nixon take over the office, which he did that same day.

When asked about the Norcross libel suit, Mrs. Bush just said that she was only repeating what everyone else said, so it wasn't libel.

"Just look at the boy!  He looks nothing like Benton, but is the spittin' image of Norcross--ask anyone!  And Benton has never been seen with a woman, so where did he come up with a son?  And everybody says it would be just like Norcross to ask his old buddy Benton to baby-sit because he had to change into boulder inscribed with the 10 commandments or something, and then never come back to pick up the kid."
"Everyone says Jonny looks nothing like him."
The First Lady added that her husband did not didn't infringe on Norcross's copyright, as "George has been a super hero since 1966, when he killed a monster that was living in his closet, and thus saved his whole family from certain death." 

Mrs. Bush said that her remarks were certainly not part of a campaign aimed at punishing Norcross for his suit against the White House, because "Ashcroft will take care of Norcross."  She also thinks that it's a "real shame" that the name of a "nice, Ascot-wearing young man like Fred Jones" is getting bandied about in connection with this matter. 

Ex-Super President Norcross could not be reached for comment.

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