September 11, 2003 by s.z.

I'm not sure I get that Robert Andrews lawsuit thing.  (Apparently Robert is suing Sharon Bush, the ex-wife of presidential brother Neil Bush, for libel, because Sharon said that Neil fathered the child which Maria, Robert's ex-wife and Neil's current girlfriend, bore two years ago while still married to Robert.  Sharon says that everybody says the kid looks like Neil, so it's not libel.) But I'm letting you weigh in on this presidential paternity scandal:              Is Jonny's real dad . . .                      ex-Super President James Norcross            or him? Vote early and often by using the comments section. 8:59:50 PM

Tabloid update:  We note today that one of our top referrers is the search engine query:  Arianna Huffington nipples.   So, we bring you this new Arianna news.  It's part of a report on "Survivor: Sacramento"; specifically, the part where people make alliances, which they may later betray, as part of their strategy for winning.  We recommend reading the whole thing if you want to know who's buying whom, and which candidates you can still purchase, if you act now!  Here are some bits about Arianna, and about previous search engine king, Arnold "Orgies at Gold's gym" Schwarzenegger: Contributors Buying Political Influence Despite Recall Rhetoric For all the novelty of California's recall election, and despite recall backers' hopes of shaking up business-as-usual in Sacramento, campaign contribution records show the typical deep-pocketed contributors are choosing sides. [snip]  Schwarzenegger, despite eschewing contributions from tribes and unions, is taking hundreds of thousands of dollars each from agriculture interests, developers, financial service providers, the high-tech industry, state contractors and others with pending legislation and other interests he would influence if he is elected governor. One of the most generous contributors to Schwarzenegger's campaign this year and his Proposition 49 after-school initiative last year is Diversified Collection Service Inc., which collects defaulted college loans and is lobbying to help collect overdue federal income taxes. But Huffington trails far behind Schwarzenegger in fund-raising and opinion polls. Many of her largest contributors are entertainers and Hollywood executives, who also have an array of legislative interests. Presumably, to include nipples.  And we suggest that the reason Diversified Collection Service Inc. is contributing so heavily to Arnold's campaign is that they believe that if he is elected, he will fund a vast army of cyborg killing machines and have them track down student loan deadbeats and terminate them. Since I don't live in California, I can find this whole thing entertaining, like a reality TV show that I only watch while cable surfing, and so have no investment in the outcome, and who gets voted off the island next.  Actually, the whole thing reminds of a thread in the late, lamented "Calvin and Hobbes" comics.  In one strip, Calvin declares, "I think it's time we had a new Dad around here?  When does your term of office expire?"  He is outraged to find that Dad was appointed for life, and starts asking about recall and impeachment provisions.   Several weeks later, in another strip, Calvin enters with a clipboard and announces: "Bad news on your polls, Dad.  You slipped another two notches.  Things are looking grim for future office."  Dad, wise to Calvin and his ways, doesn't look up from the newspaper he's reading to ask, "Any ideas on what would improve my standings?" Calvin promptly replies, "I need a VCR."  Dad says dryly, "Right.  I'll keep in mind."  Calvin advises, "I hope you're reading the 'Help Wanted' section." So, if Davis just stops making Californians clean their rooms, lets them stay up late every night, and buys them each a cool flame-thrower, I think he has a good shot of staying in office.  Otherwise, it's New Dad time! Okay, I just needed an excuse to leaf through my old "Calvin and Hobbes" books. 8:25:09 PM

From the "Be Afraid--Be Very Afraid" Department Yesterday, while speaking to various law enforcement types at Quantico, President Bush announced that he wants an expansion of Patriot Act, "for the sake of the American people" (President Bush Discusses Homeland Security at the FBI Academy). These new laws would:  (1) Allow law enforcement officials to issue administrative subpoenas, so they don't need to get approval from a court or judge to demand sensitive documents when "investigating terrorism." (2) Deny bail to "suspected terrorists." (3) Allow the death penalty for "terrorist crimes resulting in death" that don't currently qualify for capitol punishment, such as "sabotaging a defense installation or a nuclear facility." Why should this worry you if you're not a terrorist? Well, let's just say that a lot of people who get caught up in an FBI investigation are not guilty of what they're being investigated for, but may be guilty of other stuff, like not always paying their bills on time, or cheating on their spouse, or looking at computer porn.  The FBI may hold on to the records and information it gathered during the investigation for decades.  This information (which could include stuff that you wouldn't want floating around if it were about you, like financial records, computer records passed along by your internet provider, interviews with your ex-wife, your neighbor's opinion of your bratty children, etc.) might be shared with other branches of the FBI, or with terrorism prevention/law enforcement/intelligence officials who might be interested in it (because you are applying for a government job, up for a security clearance, being considered for a Federal appointment, it just makes hilarious reading, etc).  And if it's up to the FBI themselves to decide if they have a legitmate need for documents, the answer is always pretty much "yes."  But then you don't have anything to hide, do you? Oh, and lets imagine that you are "suspected" (under some criteria that they can't tell you, because it's classified) of being a terrorist, and so bail is denied -- you could be in jail for an awfully long time, based on the past performance of the Ashcroft regime, even if you are eventually found innocent.  But only Commies worry about civil liberties during perilous times like now, right?   But we haven't come to the scary part yet.  Per the Washington Post (President Asks for Expanded Patriot Act): In February, a draft of legislation being prepared by the administration proposed sweeping powers, including the ability to revoke citizenship of terrorism suspects, forbid the release of information about terrorism detainees, and set up a DNA database of people associated with terrorist groups. These drafts were never presented to Congress, but in comparison with them, Bush aides called the President's requests of yesterday "modest."  After all, he didn't ask for the authorization Ashcroft wanted to expand his authority to go after those offering "material support" (which could mean anything from supplying bomb parts to buying lunch, I would imagine) to "suspected terrorist cells." But White House spokesman Scott McClellan would not rule out the possibility that Bush would back further provisions in piecemeal fashion. "The president is always looking at ways . . . that we can better secure the homeland and make America safer, and that's what this is about," he said. So, the DNA data base, the wall of silence concerning detainees, the brain wave scanners in public buildings, etc., could still come to pass.  Also, for a mild chill, consider this quote from a Republican Congressional aide, to the NYT (Counterterror Proposals Are a Hard Sell):  "This is the president talking, and not John Ashcroft.  And the fact is that we have to be as supportive as we can of the president and his efforts to combat terrorism." So, I guess we have to, since, as he pointed out, it's a fact.  And, as Britney Spears said last week, "Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that," she said.  And if pop stars and Congresional aides agree on this, then it must be true.  So, stay tuned for "Patriot Act 3: This Time It's Personal, In That the FBI Needs to Watch You Take A Shower--To Combat Terrorism."  But if Bush thinks that a law authorizing the death penalty for the crime of blowing up a nuclear facility is the thing that is going to stop terrorists from doing it, then hey, he has my full support on that one. 6:52:06 AM

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We're Goin' Tabloid! As part of our proactive customer service effort to meet all your World O'Crap needs, we checked our referrers and learned that the top five search engine queries leading people to this blog are: 1.  Arnold Schwarzenegger orgies 2.  Ann Coulter nude 3.  Bill O'Reilly crybaby 4.  Aunt Jenny favorite recipes lard 5.  Arnold Schwarzenegger Bill O'Reilly orgies So, we promise you a lot more of the above in the days to come!  More of Aunt Jenny's favorite lard recipes, like "Sweet Potato, Pork, and Veal Pie" and "Codfish Balls" (plus, more about Jenny's steamy menage a trois with Ebenezer Todd and Hank Parsons)!  More Bill O'Reilly crybaby stories (we admit that we don't have to work too hard to find those).  And all the nude Ann Coulter and Arnold Schwarzenegger Greco-Roman group wrestling that you can stand.  Because YOU asked for it!  Or somebody did.  In any case, sex and/or right-wing celebrities sell, so that's what we'll be bringing you. To start with, here are some shocking admissions which Ann Coulter made to The L.A. City Beat about the role she plays in the lives of some of her more submissively devoted fans (Princess of the Stilleto-Cons): They adore pornography and the mechanism of sex because man is just an animal and they are gods. . .I like it...because I get to dominate. . .They're like children who need discipline. So, I'm applying the tough love.”   While some may find this whole thing rather distasteful, we are of the opinion that since they do seem to meet each other's specialized needs, it's good that they found each other. *** Anyway, Ann topped this (ha ha) with a rather uncharacteristic slap at President Bush.  As you will recall, in his speech Sunday (Money Makes the World Go Round) Bush said: "We are committed to expanding international cooperation in the reconstruction and security of Iraq, just as we are in Afghanistan. . . Members of the United Nations now have an opportunity -- and the responsibility -- to assume a broader role in assuring that Iraq becomes a free and democratic nation." And this is Ann's response to that, from Wednesday's column (How To Lose a War): Inconsolable that their pleas to "work through" the U.N. did not stop Bush from invading Iraq and deposing Saddam Hussein, now all the Democrats are eager for the U.N. to get involved so it can wreck the rebuilding process...The idea that we would involve those swine in the postwar occupation of Iraq is so preposterous that it's under serious consideration as next week's slogan for the Howard Dean campaign. Yes, apparently Ann is accusing the President of having a Democratic idea, and of therefore being a traitor.  So, she has taken on the Deep Throat role (that line alone should be worth a hundred Google hits!), and is ratting out the President's unethical campaign practices (to whit: secretly working for the Dean campaign) to the media.  We found these charges as hard to believe as most of Ann's claims (especially the ones about having attended law school, and having been born a woman), but we laid them before the President.  And this is what Mr. Bush told us: "Well, I know it seems like a conflict of interest to work up slogans for Dean, but dammit, I wanted to work on a WINNING campaign for once. " So, there you go: Bush is working for Dean, and Ann finally got something right.  You heard it here first. *** And as for Orgyin' Arnold Schwarzenegger, here is a portion of the transcript of his, um, encounter with Bill O'Reilly yesterday (Bill and Arnold Walk on the Wild Side ): O'REILLY: It's just dirty, dirty, dirty. SCHWARZENEGGER: It is dirty. It is sometimes painful. We found it both dirty and painful--and all we did is read the transcript!  Not that we think there is anything wrong with two men showing their affection for one another.  No, we just don't find it appropriate for prime-time television, a time when there might be children watching.  Well, to clarify things further, we don't think that Bill O'Reilly is appropriate for prime-time television. when innocent children might be watching and learning that being loud, rude, and obnoxious is rewarded by certain elements of society.  And futher more, we believe Bill's "Isn't it awful to be a celebrity and have people say mean things about you, like how Al Franken does to me?" male-bonding is inappropriate for ANYBODY to watch.  There, we said.  If that makes us prudes, so be it. *** In other O'Reilly news, we hear that after learning that Bill is Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck has postponed the wedding.  Understandably so.  We think that this revelation demands a lot of soul-searching on Ben's part: does he REALLY want to be married to somebody who is going to go around bragging about having won an Oscar for Gigli, and then when called on it, will get all huffy and say she really meant that the movie's caterer won The Larchmont Daily Shopper's "Readers' Pick for Best Turkey Sandwiches" award for 2004?  I hope Ben thinks about this long and hard on this before taking those vows. We have to admit that the confession about Bill being JLo caused us to reevaluate a lot of things too.  Like, for example, the 2000 movie The Cell.  When we thought Jen was just a bland Fly Girl-come-starlet, the device of having her don a red rubber catsuit and enter people's minds seemed like merely a farfetched plot contrivance.  But when we learned that the girl in the rubber was really Bill O'Reilly (the guy who gets apoplectic at the idea of anybody having an opinion that differs from his), then that premise--breaking into the psyches of unwitting victims and forcing them to change their thoughts--took on a hideous 1984-ish quality.  And we also felt kind of quesy about having admired Jen's butt and having come up with Bond Girl names for her. And so, as a public service, we bring you the Subliminal Cinema: Life Lessons From Lousy Movies recap of The Cell.  To read it, just move your mouse over to the blue link on the left that says "The Cell," and click on it.  You'll be glad you did.  Or, more importantly, WE'LL be glad you did. And that's what customer service is all about.  Here are the first few paragraphs, just to get your appetitite whetted and your interest piqued and so forth: The Cell (2000) Not a Photo From the Bill/Arnold Encounter Tagline: "This summer... enter the mind of a killer." And as an added bonus, enter the mind of a Jennifer Lopez!  As you might imagine, it’s full of expensive, bizarre clothes, MTV videos, and a violent man in trouble with the law. Plus, lots of derriere jokes! The Dreamscape/In Dreams/What Dreams May Come part our movie begins with Jennifer of Arabia riding her horse across the sands while wearing a birdwoman wedding gown.  See, Jennifer is a child psychologist thingy who, through the marvels of unexplained science, can enter the mind of her patient, a catatonic kid who hates water.  Her therapy sessions consist of her donning a red rubber cat suit (ribbed for her pleasure), getting hooked up to some second-hand Matrix equipment, then invading the boy’s subconscious to urge him to Just Say No to schizophrenia.  But since his condition was caused by a brain virus, you’d think that having Jennifer in there too would only make things worse. Jennifer, a highly trained mental health professional, says earnestly, "He’s living in a world that’s not healthy," and wants to reverse the polarity on the mind-melding machine, which, as we know from Ghostbusters, is highly dangerous.  Her scientist colleagues shoot down the idea, so Jen goes home and smokes pot in her underwear, generously shoving her butt at the camera so we can all get a good look at her celebrated posterior.  Hey, it convinced us that her reversed polarity idea has merit! Meanwhile, in the Silence of the Lambs/Seven/Swingers portion of our movie, FBI agent Vince Vaughn, looking like he’s suffering from a serious case of cotton mouth and dope lag, is trying to locate an appropriately bizarre serial killer to spice up the movie.  Vince just got his big break in the case: a dog hair, which DMV records indicate belongs to Vincent D’Onofrio.  But just seconds before Vince breaks down the door, D’Onofrio takes a bath, which causes him to have a seizure, rendering him totally catatonic.  Even worse, Bad Vince grabbed a new victim while Good Vince was waiting in line at the DMV, and since the girl is being kept in Bad Vince’s automated aquarium, she will drown within a few hours. To add suspense to the movie, why don’t you hold your breath until the girl is located? If you pass out, so much the better. And so on, to the exciting conclusion, which involves a nude Ann Coulter, or something like that. And stay tuned tomorrow for more tawdry tales of right-wing pundits gone wild, President Bush's campaign slogans for other Democratic candidates, and a topless Aunt Jenny.  Plus, an update on Hillary's space-alien baby and Nostradamus's lottery picks.