January 2, 2005 by s.z.

We Get Mail From John R. McCommas: Crap is the right word.  At least you get high marks for truth in advertising. But would it kill you to read a book --if not write one -- sometime? That might improve the content of your blog or whatever that it is supposed to be. If not than perhaps you can call it a cyber-compost heap. Here's our reply: Dear John, We're glad you agree that the subjects we cover (Ann Coulter, the Towhall  pundits, Rush Limbaugh, the Republican Party, etc.) are crappy.  And while we admit we have never read an entire Ann Coulter book (which is probably what you are upset about, because we note that you gave five stars to Treason: Liberals Have Cooties, and Joe McCarthy is Da Bomb), we actually have read a book.  It was good.  We also have read every Ann Coulter column for the past couple of years.  They were bad. However, it's true that we have never written anything as good as this April 2003 letter to the editor of the Hartford Advocate.  To prove that we do occasionally read stuff, we will quote the last part of it: The U.S. does not commit genocide as Iraq has done against the Kurds; it does not seek military-conquest as Iraq had done to Kuwait, nor does the United States torture people. These so-called peace activists need to accept the will of President Bush, Congress and their fellow Americans who elected them. This is a democracy and their side lost. Enough is enough. Move on. John R. McCommas We feel honored that somebody who has been published in the Hartford Advocate would visit our humble cyber-compost heap. Regards, s.z. 7:09:01 AM

And Speaking of the Apocalypse ... Via Agape Press, we learn about the band ApologetiX, "with its unique brand of musical ministry, often referred to as 'Billy Graham meets Weird Al Yankovic.'"  ApologetiX is an independent "parody band" based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, but traveling extensively throughout the U.S. The group performs at churches, coffee shops, festivals, and other concert venues, rocking hard and hammy, whether for a small room of appreciative fans or for a stadium of tens of thousands. The band's mission is twofold: to reach those who do not know Christ, and to teach those who already do.For ApologetiX co-founder, lead singer and lyricist J. Jackson, getting to perform the musical styles he loves is a bonus.  [...] After he became a born-again Christian in 1988, he tossed out over 1,000 records, tapes, and CDs, never expecting to make use of them again. Then, about two years later, while he was learning to play guitar, he found himself faced with a dilemma. "I wanted to learn some of the old rock songs," ApologetiX's co-founder says, "but I didn't want to sing the old words. At the same time, I was heavily into learning and memorizing scripture, so I started writing biblical parodies." That move allowed Jackson to learn the Bible and the guitar at the same time, he says, adding, "I never dreamed it would turn into my full-time occupation!" And here's an example of how Jackson's righteous words were used to replace those of the sinful Monkee's 1967 hit, "Pleasant Valley Sunday": Armageddon Valley Someday The global clock moves down to zero While the armies march along. They surround Israel's weakened sides, They're just about to throw their bombs. In Armageddon Valley someday (someday) Christ's returning in the air. Rows of thousands that have that have called His name And no one seems too scared. Jesus displays his power today, He's got His soldiers on platoon. They met the Beast who can't believe He got defeated there so soon. In Armageddon Valley someday (someday) Fiercest battle in the land Bible explains about a war like this And the simple don't understand. The future comforts those who know He won their souls They're lookin' forward to this scene. Armageddon day, it isn't so far away, You need to change your loyalty. Da da ta ta.... Now isn't that a lot more Christian than singing about "Creature comfort goals/They only numb my soul/And make it hard for me to see"? Anyway, ApologetiX has apparently found a niche among Christians who want Eminem tunes to teach them about the Bible.  The group is even being considered for a 2005 Grammy Award nomination in the Gospel Rock Album of the Year and Comedy Album of the Year categories.  So, here are some of the lyrics to another retrofitted classic song from the '60s, which is now about the Last Days: Bringin' all the world together one day Then saying that he's God Almighty next day. Oh, but you fell for all his tricks By listenin' to 666 God's not who he is you'll see tomorrow. Revelation Man Revelation Man Hey, he's givin' you a number and takin' away your faith. 5:22:19 AM