April 24, 2004 by s.z.

White House News The President in is Florida, pulling weeds.  Scott McClellan didn't want to help, so he was replaced.  The Bush administration has a Council on Environmental Quality, which apparently exists in order to tell people that the quality of the environment is great, thanks to Bush's environmental initiatives, most of which involve changing the meaning of the word "great." Anyway, here are my favorite bits from the Air Force One Press Gaggle by Trent Duffy and Jim Connaughton: MR. DUFFY: The event at the Reserve, the President goes to -- he’ll make remarks and then attends a Victory 2004 Luncheon in Naples, at a private residence and goes to Coral Gables for another Victory 2004 Luncheon. Q Is that $25,000 a plate, or per person? MR. DUFFY: You’d have to get that from the RNC or the campaign, I don’t have those figures.   If it was $25,000 a plate, I hope they told the guests in advance.  Imagine thinking that for $25,000 it was all you could eat, filling up 4 plates at the buffet, and getting hit with a bill for $100,000.  Even with your special "friends of George" tax cut, that would be one expensive luncheon. Oh, and I thought that the maximum that an individual could donate to a candidate was $2000 -- is the rest of the $25,000 for tips or what? Q Hey, Trent, I’m new to this Air Force One thing -- so what was Laura Bush doing with the President this morning? Coming on Marine One and then getting -- MR. DUFFY: I’ll have to check on that. I’m not familiar with the First Lady’s schedule, but I’ll check.  Yes, what WAS Laura Bush doing with the President?  My guess: telling him his greatest mistakes.  And "coming on to Marine One [presumably the Marine commandant] and then getting [blank]".  It's like that old TV gameshow, Matchgame.  (Britt Somers: I said, "a headache."  Charles Nelson Reilly: I said, "a horrified rebuff."  Fannie Flagg: I said, "rogered roundly.")  We really need a press corps who will find out these kinds of things for us. But let's hear from the new guy: MR. CONNAUGHTON: Hello, I’m Jim Connaughton, Chairman of the White House Council on Environmental Quality.... There's work underway to remove these various invasive plants. They include the Australian pine, that's a tree species, the Melaleuca -- and you'll see that, it's sort of a choking species -- and the Brazilian Pepper, which is a particularly nasty species -- Q The Brazilian what ? MR. CONNAUGHTON: Pepper. Q Would you mind spelling all those, since the President is removing them?    I think the President should be required to spell everything he wants to remove before removing them -- it might help to limit the damage he can do. But back to the Air Force One spelling bee: MR. CONNAUGHTON: Yes, it's Australian Pine. That's straight forward. Q Australian Pine? MR. CONNAUGHTON: Pine, yes. Melaleuca, me-l -- Q "N" like Nancy? MR. CONNAUGHTON: "M" as in Mary, e-l-a-l-e-u-c-a.  And -- what's that? Q What is -- MR. CONNAUGHTON: It's not a tree plant, but it's a very large aloe-type plant. It's a thick -- a thick, greeny, green plant. Q Shrub? MR. CONNAUGHTON: Well, you can call it a shrub, but it's pretty big and thick. Q (Inaudible.) MR. CONNAUGHTON: Ought to be careful with that, that's right. (Laughter) Anybody want to bet that the inaudible remark was "Bush"?  And yes, while some Bushes are pretty thick, they can't help it (it's genetic), so you ought to be careful what you say about them when you're flying in a military plane over an area where, if you were tossed overboard, your body might never be discovered. Oh, and I have some soap made from melaleuca juice -- it smells nice, and is supposed to have antiseptic properties.  I wonder what the President and his bro are planning on doing with the melaleuca shrubs (or bushes) they remove.  They really should make some hand lotion or something out of them. But now let's join that $25,000 a plate (or person) luncheon for a few instructive Remarks by the President at Victory 2004 Reception. First, some examples of the Bush/Horton meme ("I meant what I said, and I said what I meant, I do not like green eggs and ham"): We had a great day today on the west coast of Florida. I was talking about how to increase the wetlands so that our environment is stronger. I reminded Jeb that when I make a promise, I meant it.  I have made it clear where I stand. I have spoken clearly to the American people and to the world. And when I say something, I mean it.   Right after September the 11th, I told the world that if you harbor a terrorist, you're just as guilty as the terrorist. When the President says something, he better mean it. Next, an explanation of why we were hit by al Qaeda: And we were attacked on that September day in 2001. The enemy hit us, they hit us because of what we love. See, we love freedom. They hate freedom.   Wow, it's all so clear to me now!  Thanks, Mr. President. And now an explanation of the obligation of a presidential candidate: One of the things that's important for a person running for office is to constantly talk about what we intend to do. See, I've got a vision to make sure our prosperity is lasting prosperity. We've got to make sure we're a nation that doesn't wall us off from the rest of the world.   While it may be important for a candidate to constantly talk about what he intends to do, shouldn't a candidate who is already in office try doing some of that stuff?  I'm just asking.  But I guess if what you're constantly talking about is your vision to make sure of our lasting prosperity by making sure we're a nation that doesn't wall us off, it might be kind of hard to actually implement. But let's move on to what oftentimes happens without No Child Left Behind legislation: you wake up at the end and people can't read and write.   You see, what happens is if you just give up on kids, like oftentimes happens, you wake up at the end and people can't read and write and add.   Time for just one last remark from the President: We're not interested in penalizing marriage in America, we're interested in encouraging marriage in America. (Applause.)   Andrew Sullivan will be so happy to hear that!  3:36:13 AM

Some Depressing Saturday Reading Dawn at Clarified has some interesting posts up, including one about how well our American-trained Iraqi security troops are working out (it seems that only 10% are now fighting against us!), one about a father who blames George Bush's war for turning his son into somebody who murdered his wife, and the famous photo of the flag-draped coffins loaded in the cargo plane at the Kuwait airport. 2:37:50 AM

From the Same PR Guy Who Brought You the True Story of Killer Witches in the Maryland Woods Courtesy of David E. (an amateur sociologist studying human stupidity), here's the latest story of people who shouldn't be allowed to use the internet without supervision: Movie's Online Hoax Fools Cloning Foes: The folks who angrily sign an online petition against a Massachusetts fertility clinic could be the grandchildren of those Grover's Mill, N.J., residents who fled their homes on All Hallow's Eve 1938. Like Orson Welles' creepy radio drama broadcast of "War of the Worlds," the Godsend Institute is an ingenious hoax, timed to hype the upcoming Lions Gate thriller "Godsend," starring Robert De Niro. The Web site, godsendinstitute.org, boasts pictures and glowing testimonials from families who have successfully cloned their deceased children. Raves one: "We didn't think it could be true, but we're a family again!" [...] Cloning foes, suckered by the scam, have been signing the anti-Godsend Institute petition at www.petitionspot.com. Raged one petition signer named Robin: "We have no right to be creating lives in this manner." Another signer, who identified herself as Snowflake, responded: "It's a movie, you morons!" Rich Lewis, in an editorial for the Carlisle, PA Sentinel, provides some additional comments from Petitionspot -- but he doesn't think the fake website is a bit funny.  He points out that grieving parents (really, really stupid ones) might see the Godsend site and get all excited about cloning a dead child -- then have their dreams crushed when they learn that, contrary to what they saw online (or in The Boys from Brazil), human cloning isn't possible as yet (a fact which has made the papers more than once or twice).  Here are some of the comments left by the angry petition signers: Jordan: "Stop the insanity! We can't let these fame-hungry doctors mess with God's great plan." Bubba: "These mad scientists have gone absolutely crazy!" Brian: "I can't believe the Godsend Institute is allowed to exist." Todd: "The institute is preying on people that are vulnerable and have suffered." But then comes petition comment No. 42, from someone identifying herself only as Snowflake: "It's a movie, you morons!" [...] If some of them [vulnerable people who have suffered] should stumble across the fake Godsend website, it would not only rip open that wound, but perhaps even encourage them to believe they could turn back time, bring back the dead. The site openly encourages this response with its motto: "Death doesn't have to be an ending." For those who are sucked in, and surely some would be, the crash of disappointment could be unimaginably painful when they learn the institute is a fake. Grief is a powerful emotion; to toy with it is beyond despicable. I also felt a surge of alarm at how easily the Internet can be used to promote such potentially damaging trickery. You know, if you're surfing the web and come across, say, a site advertising a philosopher's stone that can turn base metal into gold, you might want to do some research before you get your heart set on being the richest man in the world.  Because the Internet CAN be used to promote trickery.  Oh, and FYI, most Onion stories aren't real either.   2:25:24 AM