"In order to reflect on the swift passing of beauty, the brevity of existence"Yes, it's (good) Friday, time to check in again with America's Worst Mother™ and her progeny, Tammy Faye, Condomleezza, Reptilicus, and Hilter. But first, go to TBOGG and read the brilliant and moving The Gurdons See a Tree -- it offers not only the existentialist meaning of Meghan's tale, but also the true origins of Meghan's second daughter. Back already? Okay, then I will share with you the REST of the story: Sharp, Shiny Teeth & Heaving Bosoms The kids are out of school this week, but because the Gurdons are having some financial problems (it's just not easy to maintain a wife, four children, and a mistress on one salary these days), the family isn't "going" anywhere. Of course, this isn't the way they do things at the William F. Buckley. Jr. Academy for Right-Thinking Boys and Girls -- where it's pretty much required to take make pretentious travel plans for the school holiday. But Meghan's family just can't afford it, so when the other mothers start bragging in the school parking lot about going to Venice or Colorado or "to Arctic Circle for hamburgers and milk shakes" over the break, Meghan gives them a lecture about how fun is highly overrated. She says that since travel involves having to deal with cheerless security guards who strip search you, claiming they're looking for WMDs, and quiz you about the gin bottle in the baby's diaper bag, the PTA bitches can keep it. And besides, they'll all probably die in air disasters, despite being so gosh-darned competent -- and Meghan happens to love her children too much to subject them to that kind of thing. The other mothers give Meghan tight, wary smiles and back away from her slowly.
Well, I do it for nothing, but I believe that Tbogg is paid $1500 a week to detract Meghan. But I admire Meghan for bravely acknowledging her husband's custom of deserting his family on every possible ocasion; and I also admire her for reading Tbogg. This makes me like her better, despite the fact that today's essay is about taking the kids to the dentist, and so is awfully similar to last week's effort, "The Four Little Gurdonettes Go To the Doctor." Anyway, they all (except Mr. Meghan, who had to "work") go to the dentist, a nice, old white-haired gentleman from South America. He is the only pediatric dentist they've ever had who doesn't ask "Mom" to hold down the kids to keep them from biting. It seems he has other ways of keeping them in line . . . And his office walls aren't festooned with giant smiling teeth, or evil Mickey Mouses -- no, he opts for the refreshing simplicity of antiseptic white. And he's always so polite and charming -- he reminds Meghan of Sir Laurence Olivier. As Meghan suddenly pops into consciousness, the dentist is telling her that young Condomleezza was "very brave." The ashen-faced, trembling child gives him a fearful look, crawls under a desk, and curls up in the fetal position. The dentist gives her a parting smack on the head, then takes Reptilicus by the tiny wrist, twists it, and asks "Is it safe?"
He doesn't find this at all amusing, and leads her away to The Chair. Meghan hears the dentist repeat his question again, this time in a more menacing tone, and then she sees him pick up an ominous looking bottle of fluoride sealant before he hurriedly shuts the door. Meghan thinks how lucky the kids are to have such a nice, modern dentist. When she was young, she had to have her teeth fixed by the dentist at the local penitentiary; her braces were made from pieces of barbed wire off the top of the fence. But that's all her family could afford, what with her father being married to Tricia Nixon, and her mother hating her for having been born. Meghan shakes herself, and makes an effort to return her thoughts back to the present, where she is sitting in the waiting room with her children, and everything is happy and gay (in the Derbyshire sense). Eldest daughter Tammy Faye is surreptitiously drawing rabbit porn. Cherished son Hilter is torturing his sisters with a toy truck. Condomleeza is still cowering under the desk. She screams in pain when Hilter runs the truck over face. Meghan smiles at him proudly, and tells Condomleeza to grow up and stop whining. Hilter gives his sister a charming smirk. And then Tammy Faye starts whining about being hungry! It's always something with these kids!
Geez, what a drama queen, thinks Meghan. Damn it, a bowl of oatmeal every couple of days is more than enough food for any 11-year-old. It she wanted more, she should have worked harder at earning money at that cake baking business, shouldn't have she? "Mummy!" Now what? sighs Meghan silently. But it's just the return of Reptilicus, her face pale, her sharp little teeth gleaming. "I didn't break, Mummy, not even when he gave me that root canal!" Meghan smiles vaguely, and says, "Good girl, honey. I'm so proud of your white, shiny smile. The dentist respectfully salutes Hilter, and says he has some important Fourth Reich plans to discuss with him. Meghan is so proud of Hilter. And to think that her friends had said such mean things about the fertility specialist who helped Meghan to conceive the lad. Ah, yes -- nice, old, Dr. Peck; he said that Hilter was the finest of all the boys from the project. Dr. Peck was from somewhere in South America too -- Brazil, Meghan thinks it was. Meghan idly wonders if the dentist knows him. But then she gets involved in ripping out all of the Disney drawings, cartoon characters, and other entertaining stuff from the children's books and magazines in the waiting room, and forgets all about the dentist's odd habit of addressing her son as "mein Fuhrer." In an hour or so, Hilter emerge from the office, clutching a red and black flag which the dentist says is his prize for this visit. He promptly stabs Condomleeza with it, and she starts to whimper. Meghan beams at him fondly. Then the family gets in the car and heads for home. Tammy Faye pretends to have passed out from hunger. The two little ones continue to shiver and whimper. Hilter holds up his flag to the window, to show it off to the passing cars, who seem terribly impressed by it. Meghan decides to make the day even more special by sharing lots of obscure and boring trivia about D.C's monuments with the kiddies. They are so lucky to have her for a mother! As they drive past the Mall, the Gurdons pass lots of stupid rubes from Hickesville who came to the nation's capital to see the famous cherry trees. Dolts! The trees are way too good for the likes of them. Meghan is glad when they freeze to death in the biting Washington spring. Meghan tells the kids that the famous cherry trees were a gift from the Japanese government. The Japanese people pack and eat exquisite box lunches, you know. Meghan so envies them their exquisite lunches. This reminds Meghan of the lunch box debacle from a couple of weeks ago, and she decides that kids who won't eat the sea slug and vegetable paste dainties that she packs for them don't deserve dental care. She tells the children this, and they all seem strangely relieved and happy (except for Tammy Faye, who isn't moving ). There are too many damned tourists on the road, and Meghan can't get into the left lane to make her turn. She keeps driving and driving. Hours pass. All the kids faint from hunger, and everything is quiet in the car.
10:54:01 AM  |
The Peeps ReportI want to thank all the helpful people who informed me that the reason "Fever Swamp" appeared Thursday this week is that today is Good Friday, which is apparently a legal holiday at the NRO. And so, in honor of Good Friday, World O'Crap is bringing you The Peeps Report: All the News about Marshmallow Peeps That Is Fit To Blog. And believe me, there's a ton of Peeps news out there. A Google News search for "peeps" comes up with 165 stories from the last week or so. Of course, about 30 of them are copies of a wire story called "Peeps: Not Just For Easter Anymore," one is "Stollmeyer's Peeps Speak out," and one is a story about jazz group which includes the line "tiny coloristic peeps from the horns." But that still leaves a lot of new stories about (or which mention) Marshmallow Peeps. The flood of Peeps stories is partly because this is the Peeps 50th anniverary, partly because Peeps are a well-known cultural icon, and mostly because Peeps sent out lots of press releases which made it easy for lazy life-style and food reporters to bang out an Easter article. But my philosophy is: if a sweet but insubstantial piece of fluff gets this much press coverage, it must be newsworthy. I mean, look at Condi. So, with no futher ado: Peeps in the Media: News You Can Use. 1. Slate has a story called "Why Eat Peeps at Easter? How the marshmallow chicks found Jesus." It's the story (based on those Peeps press releases) of Easter. Okay, nothing really exciting here, but I do like the title. 2. From some article that I forgot to note, I learned about the The Big List of Peeps Links. From it we learn that there are enough Peeps-centered sites out that you could waste your whole workday looking at them. I recomend that you do. There are Peeps torture sites, Peeps recipe sites, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame made from Peeps, Biker Peeps, Lord of the Peeps, and Blair Witch Peeps. Sadly, the Passion of the Peeps seems to be down, but make sure to check out Peeps Porn. 3. The Arizona Central has an informative piece called "Pop Culture, Christianity Converge." And it contains TWO Peeps mentions:
I love the idea of "Christian hip-hopera," and hope we see more of it. I can't wait to see the Passion of the Christ done this way. 4. The Valley Advocate has a feature story where a geeky reporter tells us all about local sci-fi and fantasy fans who are even geekier than him. Here's the Peeps part:
While I enjoyed the story behind the geek in-joke "gazebo" (it turns out to be a Dungeons and Dragons thing), I found this even funnier: it's the description of a Smith student interviewed for the piece:
Because you'd never expect a woman interested in science fiction fandom to have a normal, non-mutated face and to wear regular clothes. 5. And here we have the basic Peeps story, which includes a factoid repeated in many of these pieces which I find very hard to belive:
Okay, it's possible, I guess, if those 27 hours included drying time. But if it took 27 man-hours to make one marshmallow chick, these would have to be the most labor-intensive candies EVER, and should have cost like $100 each (which would be $7,000,000 in today's money. 6. The Times of Northwest Indiana gives us the story of John "Johnny Peep" Valiska, track coach by day, Peeps addict by night.
An inspiring story, to be sure; what it inspires is feeling of nausea and revulsion, and also a contact sugar high. But every man needs a dream, and if Johnny's is to consume more than 1000 artifically-colored blobs of sugar, egg white, and gelatin this season, then more power to him, I say. And he can have my Peeps too. 7. So, what is the religious significance of a bunny who lays eggs? Should we really be whipping him at the Stations of the Cross? And what color eggs does Jesus lay? For the answers to these questions and more, we go to The Catholic Herald:
So there you have it: it all goes back to some flighty goddess of Daylight Savings Time, and her idea to improve her pet bird by turning it into a rabbit, much like how Bart Simpson turned his cat into a fire-breathing monster in that Tree House of Horror ep. Oh, and if you want to mess with the minds of the children of friends or relatives, tell them the delightful story of where they came from: they were laid by a bunny, put in a basket, and hidden in the garden. And then tell them that Easter is the day we go out and look for little brothers and sisters. 8. The Washington Post has all kinds of essential Peeps info:
So, are you above, above average, or below average? Or are you even American?
Well, you have to bite off their heads first, or those beady little eyes just stare at you reproachfully. One of the best of inventions MST3K's Dr. Forrester ever came up with was the Chocolate Bunny Guillotine ("Eliminate the guesswork in biting the heads off bunnies!") But I don't think it would work on a Marshmallow Peeps, because the chick guts would get the blade all sticky.
It would almost be worth buying some on-sale, post-Easter Peeps to try this out. And speaking of 75%-off candy . . .
Yes, but we think that "Johnny Peep" Valiska, who goes for long-term quantity in lieu of speed is the real champion.
I think some minister should get one of the Chocolate Bunny Guillotines and behead a bunch of Peeps in order to teach the kiddies the real meaning of Easter. He could read the official charges ("You, Pink Peeps, you have smothered Jesus in a misasma of marshmallow stickiness. And you, Yellow Peeps, you have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine"). And then he would order his executioner-garbed assistant, "Off with their heads," and the kids would learn a valuable lesson about the True Meaning of Easter. And one about the French Revolution, too. And then the youth group could perform "The Greatest Story Ever Rapped," followed by refreshments consisting of Christian-colored jelly beans (Green is for the grass of Gethsemene; Red is for his blood, which was shed for you; Black is for your many, many, sins, which killed him) and Passion of Christ Fruit Punch. The Post story then discusses some of the experiments performed at Emory University to measure the stress and heat tolerance of Peeps. You know, what happens when Peeps are placed in a vacuum, in a hot tub, in liquid nitrogen, electrocuted, etc. You can see the unholy results at WWW.PeepResearch.org. But just be glad we live in an age when such performing such perversions on innocent Peeps isn't enough to get you banned from society.
Yes, that was the plot of a horror movie made in 1952, The Peeps That Grew Too Much. It was about a scientist who did experiments on marshmallow chicks ("They call me MAD? Well, I'll show them all! With my 50-foot Marshmallow Peeps, I will CONQUER THE WORLD!") But he learned too late not to tamper in God's domain, and it all ended happily, with his horrible, violent death and s'mores for the Army. Well, that concludes my Peeps wrap-up. If you want to learn more about Peeps, visit your library, or go to the official Peeps website, www.marshmallowpeeps.com. Or just watch for the PeepsMobile, which may be coming to your town any day now. 5:40:47 AM |
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