I Accuse My Meghan
Yes, it's Friday (or it was Friday -- it's funny how fast the days slip by now that I'm entering coothood), and time for a romp with America's Worst Mother™, and her delightful spawn, Edelweiss, Parsifal, Stilleto, and Weeble. As always, "America's Worst Mother" is a trademark of TboggDogCo.
And in Signs of the Apocalypse, Tom has done an excellent job of distilling the essence of this week's installment (some highlights: the kids get fed, a plague of feminists infest DC, Meghan picks up some tasty bug recipes from The Washington Post, Meghan's kids are better than yours), and he works his usual magic, somehow turning the whole thing into a must-read instead of the must-gag it was before. So, since he's already given us the ultimate Fever Swamp retelling, I'll use this occasion to compare and contrast Meghan's recitation (which will be labled "M" for Murder . . .I mean, Meghan) with one of my favorite movies, the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of I Accuse My Mother (marked with an "A" for extra accusing).
1. A literary contest is plays a big part in both stories:
(A) I Accuse My Parents begins with our protagonist, Jimmy, winning a school essay contest. His entry is called "My Home and My Family," and it's a passel of lies about how great his mother is.
(M) Meghan's tale starts with eldest daughter Edelweiss winning that Library Short Story Contest that she mentioned a couple of months ago. Eidelweiss's entry is called "Bleak House," and it's a brutally frank story of life in the Gurdon household.
2. They each feature gluttony -- gluttony which leads to juvenile delinquency:
(A) Jimmy celebrates his victory by visiting a hillbilly-themed nightclub owned by a gangster. He gets roped into buying lobster dinners and champagne cocktails for the gangster and his moll, the chanteuse Kitty. When he can't pay his tab, Jimmy turns to crime ("borrowing" money from the shoe store where he works).
(M) To celebrate Edelweiss's win, Meghan lets the kids gorge on ice-cream, chocolate chips, and pound cake. They get a sugar buzz going, and then rob the gas station on the corner.
3. Bad parenting is a key factor in both stories:
(M) Meghan is in a good mood (Edelweiss's triumph proves that Meghan is an adequate mother -- and that somebody in the family is a good writer), so she doesn't stop little Stiletto and Weeble from decorating the place with ice-cream pictographs.
(A) Jimmy's self-absorbed parents let him do whatever the hell he wants, and because of their inattentiveness he ends up working as a mob henchman, becoming an accessory to murder, and eventually killing his boss. (He also contemplates committing a "dine 'n dash," but is spared the necessity by a saintly short order cook). In court, he accuses his parents. The judge agrees that they are indeed to blame for his crimes, and remands him to their custody. (Okay, just keep that coda in mind for the Gurdon saga.)
4. Both stories involve characters with major mental problems:
(M) Meghan tells us:
Phoebe sits down on her heels, and begins making her way toward me with a side-to-side rocking motion, like a wind-up toy designed by Breugel. "I'm walking to my mother egg," she peeps in a tiny, sweet voice."Hello, baby egg.""I'm not a baby egg," she says crossly, still rocking, "I'm Phoebe, you know."
(A) Jimmy falls for Kitty. He gives her free shoes, and woos her by telling her how great his mother is. They have a tender romance -- and all the while, Jimmy never suspects that she's his boss's girl. He also doesn't realize that he's working as a mob enforcer. But then, he doesn't seem to have realized that his parents aren't Ozzie and Harriet until his murder trial.
The MST3K gang make a mobile to analyze the roots of Jimmy's mental illness, because "true Jimmy-scale dementia is a complex phenomenon." But they come to the conclusion that stupidity plays a big part in his condition.
What does this have to do with little Weeble? Nothing. I was alluding to Meghan, of course.
5. Both stories involve painful award ceremonies:
(M) Meghan takes the brood to the Library Short Story Contest Awards Ceremony, so they can see their sister Edelweiss amount to something. She "is tucked beside me as if behind a shield. Her face is ashen." She wins. Meghan doesn't tell us anything beyond that point.
(A) While Jimmy's father (who was having an affair with his secretary and using the family grocery money to feed his gabling addiction) couldn't be bothered about his kid's stupid essay contest, Jimmy's mother showed up for the presentation of his award. She was four sheets to the wind, causing all the other kids to laugh at her, and the teachers and competent mothers to cluck disapprovingly. Jimmy was mortified. The incident scarred him for life, which is why he accuses his parents.
Now that Edelweiss is an award-winning writer, I bet that someday she tells the REST of the story of what happened at her award ceremony. And I bet it's a lot like Jimmy's.
6. Bugs play a big part in only one story:
(M) Giant locusts eat the Gurdon family.(A) This doesn't happen in I Accuse My Parents.
So, as you can see, there all kinds of parallels between Jimmy's and Edelweiss's lives. I suggest that Hollywood hire the young prize-winner to write the screenplay for a remake of I Accuse My Parents now, before her rates go up.
1:33:38 AM
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