May 14, 2004 by s.z.

Rush Knows As transcribed by Media Matters: I know you Liberals like every square centimeter of my naked body, and I'm able to explain what Liberals mean when they say things as well as they are. Previously, Rush said "If you look at these pictures you cannot deny that there are elements of homoeroticism and as was stated by a woman -- and I forget her name -- column on National Review Online yesterday, her point was, -- yeah, I've seen things like this on American websites. You can find these if you have the passwords to these various porn sites, you can see things like this." Now he makes this claim about really "knowing" his naked body.  Um, too much information, Rush! P.S.  Re the above quote from Rush -- it's obvious from the context that he is saying that, just like he knows his naked body, he knows liberals.  However, one can read Rush's remark as "I know you liberals like my naked body" -- which is manifestly untrue.  We liberals do NOT have any fondness for even the THOUGHT of Rush's naked body.    Just wanted to make this clear. 7:23:55 AM

Fighting Indecency FOWo'C David E. alerted us to our dream job: watching TV and writing down the naughty words!  And getting paid for it!  (Well, our real dream job is to watch dirty movies and take notes on the "suggestive eye movements" and "excessive cleavage," but the CAP guy already has that one sewn up.)  The new dream job is all explained in this LA Times article: ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Across the Potomac from Capitol Hill, on the second floor of a red brick-and-glass building, Caroline Eichenberg toils away in her homey cubicle, watching television. Monday through Friday, 7 1/2 hours a day, she keeps tabs on dramas, sitcoms and reality shows. It would be a slacker's dream job in any other workplace. Here at the Parents Television Council, though, it's called intelligence gathering. In the battle for America's airwaves, Eichenberg and her fellow analysts deliver the data to wage an increasingly effective, and controversial, assault on prime-time "indecency." The half a dozen analysts are all college graduates, usually between 22 and 30 and unmarried [and virgins], like Eichenberg. Many of them are Christians and hold ideals of making a difference. The rest just needed a job -- and where else can you make $27,000 a year for watching TV?  Here's an example of what the job entails: Self-possessed and modest in earphones and a yellow sweater set, Eichenberg is cataloging the contents of the previous evening's episode of "NYPD Blue," entering the information into the council's computerized entertainment tracking system. A monitor, VCR, keyboard and reference materials lie within reach. Part of her job is to classify instances of murder, sexual liaisons and racy dialogue in broad categories like "sex" or "violence," then cross-reference them in dozens of explicitly detailed subcategories. She watches scenes of the crime and the detectives interviewing a suspect. She types, rewinds, types. "Topic: Language. 1. Piss…. Topic: Violence. 1. Suicide. 2. Murder…. Topic: Political. 1. Abortion. "Analysis: Carla's dead body is lying on the ground…." I don't watch "NYPD Blue," and so don't know what this description might refer to, but it sounds like Carla had an abortion, realized that abortion is murder and said, "Oh, piss!", and then committed suicide in shame.  She admitted it all while being interviewed by the detective.  So, this scene would get a score of 22 on the CAPometer, along with a scriptural reminder that God wants you to stone impudent teens.  No, wait, that's the CAP grading system.  This is how the Parent's Television Council does it: To guide analysis of shows' contents, the group has prepared a one-page reference matrix with criteria for rating language, sex and violence. On the list for offensive language, for instance, eight words fall in the "red" unsuitable zone, 11 in the "yellow" warning zone and just three in the "green" safe zone. The council assumes all swear words are offensive, some more so than others, and some more troubling within certain communities. The quantity intensifies the effect, they say: If the mild "green" words ("crap," "hell" and "damn") occur more than five times in a half hour, their status is bumped up to "yellow." Hey, CAP uses traffic lights too!  Instead of trying to hit me up for money all the time, Thomas the CAP guy should just sue Brent Bozell and get some of those Heritage Foundation bucks.  (Oh, and using the PTC guidlines, this blog would get a green light for language except that we have Crap in our title more than five times in a half hour.  So, we're gong to hell.) And speaking of Townhall favorite Brent Bozell . . . Founder and president Brent Bozell is known in conservative circles as a feisty commentator and founder of the right-leaning Media Research Center. He is also known for looking like Dr. Zaius.  (I would find the Sadly, No! entry which brought this fact to everybody's attention, but I'm too lazy -- now that Seb is all rested up from all that time in the hospital, let HIM do it.) [Update: Seb came through; I don't know why more bloggers don't make him do their work for them.  He notes that not only does Brent look like Dr. Zaius, he looks like Montreal Expos mascot Youppi! as well!] The nephew of William F. Buckley Jr., Bozell is also the executive director of a political action committee that funds conservative candidates. Bozell says the crude sexuality of the halftime show and the commercials that surrounded it were nothing new. "What was shocking about it was, for the first time all of America saw what we were talking about." They've been talking about Janet Jackson's breast for years?  That's either eerily prescient of them, or really, really creepy. Anyway, while Brent heads both the Parents Television Council and the Media Research Center, and they share the same space, Bozell says the council "is strictly nonpartisan." As evidence of its bipartisan support, the council often cites the late Steve Allen, who served as honorary chairman emeritus of its advisory board, and Sen. Joseph Lieberman, a member of that board until his nomination in 2000 for vice president. Yes, having a dead Democrat serve as honorary chairman emeritus DOES show a nonpartisan spirit. And while you may think that a bunch of repressed young adults checking off forms to rate the language and sexual innuendo in network programming couldn't do much damage, sadly this isn't the case. The group claimed its first big victory in March when the FCC responded to its persistent lobbying and ruled that a vulgarity casually uttered by U2's Bono during the 2003 Golden Globe Awards violated indecency and profanity prohibitions. That came on the heels of Janet Jackson's breast-baring Super Bowl halftime dance; by the organization's own estimate, a quarter of the 530,828 complaints that poured in afterward came from its members or those informed of the performance by the group's e-mail alert. And how can this small group of conservative foundation-funded censors wield this much power?  Simple: the FCC are a bunch of spineless bureaucrats who react to spamming by caving in. [Robert Corn-Revere, a lawyer representing a coalition which includes the ACLU and Viacom] suggests that the council, rather than representing most Americans, as it claims, actually churns out complaints that represent its own socially conservative agenda. As an example, he points to figures from the FCC: In 2000, commissioners received 111 complaints about 101 shows. Last year, they fielded 240,350 complaints, most of them about only nine programs, all of which were targeted on the group's website. (Sample wording: "Flood the FCC with thousands of indecency complaints." "Your urgent action is needed!" "Buffy the Vampire Slayer Mocks Christian Faith During Holy Week.") Well, I happen to think that EVERYONE is concerned about Buffy mocking Christian Faith -- because when vampire slayers turn seculist, your society is pretty much doomed.  It's right there in the Bible.  FCC Chairman Michael Powell clearly had the organization in mind recently when he told members of the National Assn. of Broadcasters in Las Vegas that he can't help but respond to those who "spam" him with complaints. "You get an advocacy group that purports to speak for a huge audience and they will have the members write you and the members have heard what that association tells them is the problem…. There's a tendency in our system to focus on the part making all the noise." And the FCC has no choice but to give in to squeaky wheels, and to respond to spam by buying caseloads of Cialis. Anway, just for fun, I checked out the Parents Television Council website, and found that the first thing that greets you is a form that makes it super easy to "File an FCC Complaint."  Gone are the days when Grandpa Simpson had to laboriously type his rants to networks and advertisers ("I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the gold old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.") Now it's just a matter of selecting options from the form, filling in a few words, and pushing the send button.  It made me want to complain about something, just to try it out. The site also informs us that "The O.C" is the "Worst of the Week" ("Underage drinking, teen sex and pregnancy, prostitution, strippers, and gambling  on a teen-targeted show.")  You should probably complain to the FCC about it. In conclusion, here's part of Brent's column for the week: Lost in the hype over the wildly overpublicized finale of "Friends" was its legacy: horny sex chat is now part of the family hour. Because of "Friends," parents now have the unwelcome opportunity to explain (or more likely, dance around explaining) things like premature ejaculation to grade-schoolers. That's always the problem with TV these days: it's always making you explain things to your kids!  "Daddy, what is that thing on Janet Jackson's front?" "It's called a breast, son -- women have them so they can feed babies and work at Hooters. But I didn't want you to have to learn about them this way -- it should have been a special gift on your wedding night." "Mummy, why did the man on NPR say a swear?" "Because he's reading a work by a famous playwright -- and because NPR is run by liberals who are all godless heathens who have abortions.  Children, let's all complain to their omsbudsman for our family fun project for the day." Anyway, Brent, this is how you address that "Friends/premature ejaculation" thing:  "Daddy, why, after Ross told Rachel, 'No, you just rolled over the juice box,' did Rachel say, 'Thank God'"? "Because she didn't like that flavor of juicebox, Brentina." Or, you could just equip your TV with an "off" switch, I suppose.    7:13:52 AM

Junior High In this week's column, Bill O'Reilly gives Canada an ultimatum: either give back our deserters, or he won't be your best friend anymore.  On my television program, I have advised the Canadian government that if the deserters are not returned post-haste, I will no longer buy Canadian products or visit the country. I believe many Americans will take the same stance. A true friend does not hurt you even if he or she disagrees with something you do. Canada may reject the Iraq strategy and we respect its dissent. But actively undermining the U.S. military is quite something else. Ottawa best remember that cold fronts can originate from the south as well. Yeah!  We can be pissy just as well as you can, Ottawa! But these little tiffs are a hallmark of junior high relationships. ("Canada said we were bestest buddies, but then it HURT MY FEELINGS by not doing what I told it too.  It's just like that poopiehead, France!  So, if Canada isn't going to play by my rules, it must not be a true friend, so I'm gonna hate it forever!  Or at least, not buy Canada Dry Ginger Ale until it says it's sorry.")  I hope Bill's new best friend, Liechtenstein, doesn't disappoint him the way Canada has. And speaking of junior high relationships, here's my Spam of the Day: Dear Friend, With the constant threat of terrorism and the economic downturn in the United States, NOW is the time for Americans like you to make your voices heard. It's not enough to love your country - stand up and be counted! SavingsRegister.com has selected you {first name} to answer the following important survey question. SURVEY QUESTION DO YOU SUPPORT PRESIDENT BUSH? YES  o NO   o Sincerely, Mary McNeil   ---------------------------------------------------------This offer may contain typographical errors or inaccuracies and therefore we reserve all rights. This is an advertisement.   [Snip rest of Franklin Survey boilerplate.] I love it -- it's just like those notes you used to get in junior high: "Do you like Marvin?  Check yes or no."  And I also like the shamelessness of: "With all the terrorism and economic problems, it's not enough for you to SAY you love your country, you chicken-livered punk!  No, you've also got to RESPOND TO ADVERTISEMENTS DISGUISED AS SURVEYS!  Unless you're a Commie or something." And of course, there's that personal touch of having SavingsRegister.com personally select me, {first name}, to answer those important questions. But what I like best is their candid disclosure (albeit in fine print at the bottom of the page) that their advertisement may contain errors, and therefore they reserve all rights.  ALL rights!  Every single one of them! Anyway, I said I supported Bush, was awarded 100 AwardMiles®, but then couldn't procede any futher because I wasn't a smoker.  Maybe in order to support Bush and fight terrorism and the economy, I'm supposed to take up smoking. 4:52:29 AM

Spite Sisters 1.  Myrna Blyth pens Spin Sisters: How the Women of the Media Sell Unhappiness -- and Liberalism -- to the Women of America.  (Publisher's Weekly: " ... her conclusion is a stretch and her critique of colleagues often catty and vituperative ...") 2.  The NY Times asks Good Housekeeping editor-in-chief Ellen Levine what she thinks of Myna's telling tales out of school.  Ellen says, "I think that Myrna has serious Ann Coulter envy, and this is her attempt to create some kind of second act for herself as a conservative commentator. 3.  Lisa De Pasquale writes about Myrna's book for Human Events Online and Townhall.  Her review concludes: Criticism of Blyth's explosive book has been predictably vicious. Cosmopolitan editor-in-chief Kate White calls her book "truly pathetic" and "sad." Ellen Levine, editor-in-chief of Good Housekeeping, said that Blyth has "Ann Coulter envy." (Who doesn't?) Susan Ungaro, editor-in-chief of Family Circle said, "I'm just surprised Myrna is biting the hand that fed her for all these years." Judging by the insults lobbed at Bernie Goldberg, Ann Coulter and other media critics, there is one definitive statement that can be made for Myrna Blyth's Spin Sisters -- every word must be true. 4.  Myrna gets a job at NRO: NEW ON NRO [KJL] I'm delighted to announce Myrna Blyth as one of our newest additions to NRO. She'll be writing a weekly column for us. Blyth, as many of you know, comes to us by way of Ladies Home Journal, where she was editor-in-chief from 1981 to 2002; she also founded More. (Some more vital stats here.) She's at neither place nowadays--instead she'd dished on them in her bestseller Spin Sisters, an invaluable look at "women's media." Her first piece for NRO is up today, here, on the beloved Margaret Thatcher. I think she adds splendidly to our ever-growing product and hope you enjoy having her. Posted at 11:32 AM Wo'C Analysis:  Ann Coulter used to write a weekly column for NRO (you know, before that "invade their countries and kill all the girly-boys at NRO" remark).  And now Myrna does.  So, Ellen Levine's remark seems to have been remarkably astute.  And as far Lisa De Pasquale's comment about the accuracy of Myrna's book being proven by the fact that everyone was insulting her -- well, since at least one of the "insults" has been validated by subsequent events, then maybe every word of Myrna's book isn't true after all. Anyway, here's a bit from Myrna's maiden NRO column about the beloved Margaret Thatcher: I met Margaret Thatcher after she left Downing Street, during the time she was on her $50,000-a-shot American speaking tours. She spoke at a sales conference for the publishing company for which I worked. ... In truth, what she said didn't matter. Though most in our audience knew little about her — the magazines we published dealt with bathroom and kitchen renovations — we applauded and cheered, flattered that this great lady had come to the Grand Floridian to speak to our little gathering. Our anglophile CEO, a generally somber, parsimonious number-cruncher, was so overcome with delight that he collapsed into satisfied giggles (inviting Thatcher had been his idea) and was unable to announce the schedule for the rest of the conference day, including what time the buses would leave for Mickey and Minnie's birthday celebration at the Magic Kingdom. A few of us were invited upstairs to lunch with Lady Thatcher in a penthouse suite. I noticed, as she downed her gin-and-tonic, that she played up to the men, and ignored the women. Maybe the twin polka-dot suits had begun to get on her nerves.  And what do we learn from this?  a.  That Myrna's colleagues at Ladies Home Journal, their minds full of bathroom and kichen appliances, were too shallow and superficial to know anything about Thatcher.  Plus, they were liberals.  Myrna is way smarter, better-read, and deeper than any of them.  How DARE they call her old!  b.  That Myrna's former boss, the publisher of Ladies Home Journal, was a boring, tight-fisted, pretentious git so starstruck by meeting the object of his crush that he acted like ninny and embarassed himself by failing to let the group know about their tacky, lowbrow visit to Disneyworld the following day.  How DARE he suggest that it was time for her to retire!   3.  Thatcher snubbed Myrna, and Myrna doesn't like her one bit.  However, Thatcher isn't a liberal, so Myrna tries really hard to be more passive in her aggressiveness, but just can't quite manage the proper tone of reverence.  All in all, an impressive debut.  I look forward to further columns from Myrna, and further insider commentary about the people she's met.  I also look forward to a major catfight between Myrna and Kate O’Beirne. 2:55:28 AM