The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, May 20, 2011

It’s a Crappy Life

Well, the last days of 2006 are slipping away, and meanwhile Scott is busy with family and nursing homes and such – so I thought I’d jump in and try to finalize our official War on Christmas movie of 2006.

However, I don’t feel like braving the crowds again or driving the 4 blocks to the video store, so I am preemptively narrowing the categories to (a) movies that I own; or (b) holiday movies that will be airing tonight on basic cable that sound fairly crappy.  So, using those perimeters, here are your choices:

1.  The movie described below::
    The film’s screenplay (credited as being written by Frances Goodrich, Albert Hackett, and Capra himself, with additional scenes by Jo Swerling) was based on “The Greatest Gift,” an original short story first written on a Christmas card by Philip Van Doren Stern. Uncredited for their work on the script were Dorothy Parker, Dalton Trumbo, and Clifford Odets.
2.  It Happened One Christmas (1977, fantasy) Marlo Thomas, Wayne Rogers, Orson Welles. A depressed woman sees what life would be like without her.

3.  A Town Without a Christmas (2001) Patricia Heaton, Rick Roberts. Romance blossoms for a workaholic news reporter and a frustrated children’s author as they seek to find a child who wrote a grim letter to Santa.

4.  A Perfect Day (2006) Rob Lowe, Paget Brewster. A holiday drama about a budding author whose first book becomes a blockbuster. As fame and fortune come his way, he begins to neglect his family – and soon receives visits from a mysterious stranger (Christopher Lloyd). Written by that “Christmas Box” guy.

Anyway, I will record the three latter selections.  You have until 2:00 p.m.(MST) tomorrow, the 23rd to vote. Then I will spend Christmas Eve eve watching your selection, and will try to post a summary of the movie by Christmas day. And then I will contemplate jumping off a bridge.

So, vote early and often, and make this the best War on Christmas ever!

UPDATE:  Unfortunately, it seems that the airing tonight of The Town Without a Christmas will be on Lifetime Movies, a channel I don’t get, and I already missed the airing on regular Lifetime.  So, we’ll have to scratch that choice (sorry, Patricia Heaton fans).

Offered in its place is a movie airing Saturday morning on the Hallmark channel:

5.  Jack Frost (1998) Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston.  In this charming fantasy, a musician named Jack Frost regrets missing many of the big events in his son’s life.  When Jack is killed in an accident, his spirit takes up residence in his son’s snowman so he can stalk be close to the boy.

AND here’s a bonus option, which is probably the most Christmassy of all:

6.  Road House (1989) Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch.  A bouncer is hired to clean up a bar.
 We’ll now let you get back to voting.

UPDATE:  While you’re weighing the pros and cons of the candidates, have A Patrick Swayze Christmas!  (Thanks to Bill S.)

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26 Responses to “It’s a Crappy Life”


I vote for #3. My reasons are as follows: I hate Patricia Heaton’s conservative political activism (with a nasty edge) and crappy acting. I want to know what “a child’s grim letter to Santa” sounds like (and would like to encourage musings on the subject herein). And I want to see which gender (M/F) has which job (workaholic reporter/children’s book author).
As odious as all the selections are, I would have to go with “It’s A Wonderful Life.” I’ve never liked Capra, and I’ve never liked James Stewart in anything. That’s not even to mention the naked, pandering sentimentality and simplistic, sledgehammer morality of the script itself.
I’m with Lucy: “A Town Without Christmas.”
I can’t bear to even look at Patricia Heaton anymore; her “Terri was executed! Why do Liberals murder their baby-blessings from God? Weep! Weep!” and “Liberal Hollywood hates me because I speak Truth To Power!” nonsense–coupled with her phony crying jags for the camera and willingness to use her own children as PR props–makes me physically ill when I see an Albertsons’ commercial. “Raymond?” Forget it.
Also, the title suggests Patty and Ricky will stand together against the forces of Liberal Evil as they conspire to take Christ out of Christmas. That may not actually be the case, but if Patty wasn’t involved such a plot would be nigh fappable.
Happy Holidays!
I vote for #4, because:
a) It’s a cliche-o-rama,
b) Rob Lowe disturbs me.
I’m confused:
we have until the 30th to vote, and you’ll watch the selection on Christmas Eve? So either you’ll time-travel 6 days earlier, or wait until next year to watch it-which is it?
You saw right through my little scheme to avoid watching this movie until next year, didn’t you Bill? But did you have to tell the others? No cookies for YOU, buddy.
Okay, I got confused by the calendar (they are of the devil, I tell you!). I meant you have until noon tomorrow, the 23rd, to vote. I’ll change it.
#2 is a very bad remake of #1. If you like, that sort of thing.
I’m sticking with number one, but man, number three is temptingly hideous.
Number Six, ’cause I’m a contrarian, and nobody puts baby in a corner.
I’d go with #5. I avoided that movie when it came out because, frankly, that snowman creeped me the fuck out.
But then again…Let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZyJCV_dyug
I’m all for “It’s an Overratedful Life.” The first time you see it, it’s kinda life-affirming. But then it’s on every day weeks before Christmas, you see it a second time, and it just starts to become retarded. The town changes its NAME when he isn’t born? Donna Reed is the hottest babe in town, but when he’s unborned she’s a spinster? With glasses? So, his lack of womb-babyness changed the standard of beauty? And affected her eyesight?
By the time we’re told that his not-saving his brother led to a troop ship sinking in World War II, I said “Why stop there? Have the Japanese win the war and change the town’s name to Tojo-ville!”
On the other hand,
ROAD HOUSE ROAD HOUSE ROAD HOUSE!
I want to vote for 2, for the completely stupid reason that I like Orson Wells jokes. But I have to admit that 1 is the better choice, so I’m voting for that.
I nominated it, so I’m voting for it (or is that “against”?): “It’s a Wonderful Life.” And must say again, I’m so happy to find others with the same reaction to it (“Blecchhh! Argghhhh! Blooooowww!”)
I was home with the flu and watched every last wretched minute of “A Perfect Day.” (#4) Perhaps the worst Christmas movie ever made. It’s sponsored by the “a baby changes everything” wingnuts at Johnson & Johnson. Please, please do your thing on it.
I mean how much worse can it get where Christopher Lloyd plays the “Clarence the Angel” figure who is really a mortician but also a psychologist who is doing a research project on what happens to people when you tell them they are going to die. Worse yet, Rob Lowe only thinks he’s going to die because Christopher Lloyd has been following him around and telling him that he’s going to die on Christmas night. Blech!
Number 1, since I made such a stink about it already. What other people call timeless, I call deathless. I gotta say, Dorothy Parker? Clifford Odets? I doubt you could find an unmolested contribution from either in what was left. I know they were capable of dreck, but c’mon, this is dreck on a cosmic, Capracorn level, like Pocketful of Miracles.
It’s a shame Heaton’s out of the running, I might’ve voted for her just for that humor-impoverished spunky-little-wife acting style of hers, which thousands of TV wives have done funnier. Of course, she’s on Lifetime, which is bad but still above her natural level. Think Pax TV, which should be her final resting place. If it were still around.
Rob Lowe, Paget Brewster and Christopher Lloyd are a temptingly horrendous potential threesome, and there’s nothing more phony than Hollywood movies about people trying to find out what’s really important in this life. And the snowman in the Jack Frost movie is really beyond creepy. But dammit, I love Road House. Everyone seems to be having such a wonderful time hamming it up in that movie. I vote for a Patrick Swayze Christmas.
Aw, scrotums. My pick got cut.
Oh well. “Ernest Saves Christmas” isn’t in the running, so “Jack Frost,” then. Either the one with Michael Keaton as a wiseass zombie snowman, or the slasher about a murderer converted by toxic waste into a wiseass zombie snowman. (…Quick, guess which one spawned a sequel?)
Me? I’m just gonna kick back with “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2*,” and MST3K’s “Santa Claus (Mexico).” Until Hollywood picks up my treatment for “Christmas Shark Attack!” or “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus,” that’ll do me fine.
*PUNISH!! RRRAAAAAAH!!
Number one has to win…although I’ve always wanted to see a fake movie cited in a “Sisters” Christmas episode: “Santacide XIII: The Final Christmas”.
Hey. s.z., I just sent an e-mail with my thoughts on the movie thing (because what I wanted to say was too long to post here) but I got some kind of error message, so I don’t know if you got it. If you did, can you let me know?
Oh, and also, if you DID get it, try to overlook the spelling errors, and instances where I repeat myself. I’ve been under the weather for a couple of days, so I’m less alert than I should be.
Jack Frost, I guess, a charring fantasy about a fatal automobile accident.
You know, I’m a little surprised that “Miracle on 34th Street” didn’t show up in the suggestions, given the number who cringe at “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Personally I don’t have a problem with either film, but MO34 has much of the same sappy and over-the-top sentimentalism that seems to be driving the War on IAWL, you know?
s.z. writes: will try to post a summary of the movie by Christmas day. And then I will contemplate jumping off a bridge.
At which point an angel shows you a world in which “Better Living Through Bad Movies” never gets written and Hollywood is called “Medvedville.”
Screw ‘em, and the yes-but-what-have-you-done-for-me-lately they rode in on, you mutter, and jump anyway, as God calls a wingless angel on the carpet again for driving another of his charges to suicide, hee hee.
A very merry Christmas to you all, and especially to you, s. Don’t comment as much as I used to, but I laugh as much as ever at each of your and Scott’s posts here. A national treasure and a daily pleasure, that’s you– which I deeply appreciate.
if you do “it’s a miserable life” you should do the colorised version just make it even more cloying
I vote for “Jack Frost,” ‘cos the memories I have of the trailer from that still give me the heebie-jeebies. I woulda voted for #3, ‘cos I just hates Pat Heaton, but fat spared you… this year!
“fate.” Hopefully, “fat” has spared you as well, but “fate.”
I would personally leap to purchase a copy of Christmas Shark Attack. Have you considered “Christmas Break Shark Attack”? More potential for T&A. You could have the sharks eating that Girls Gone Wild asshole. My advice, use real sharks. I like tigers, and they don’t get enough of the horror movie billing.

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