April 16, 2004 by s.z.

Making Orphanhood Sound Good It's Friday, the day when we celebrate the end of another work week and the recounting of another exciting adventure from the files of America's Worst Mother™ (a registered trademark of TboggConCo).  It's also the day when we call Child Protective Services and ask them to check on little Kerfuffle, Shindy, Crampon, and Codswallop.  But TBOGG's "Fever Swamp Thing" report was eaten by the dog, and he says we'll have to wait until he gets home from work for it  Which is maddening, I know, but I don't think Mr. Bogg would care if I gave you a little hint: it seems that Meghan is late.  Yup. That's what she said.  We'll probably tell you more about it later, but we want to see what Tbogg reveals about the EPT incident first. Anyway, while we wait, let's consider the non-"Swamp Fever" Gurdon news, get an update from America's Most Creepily Obsessive Father™, and give other countries a chance to nominate candidates for The World's Worst Parent™ contest (this year to be held in Uruguay). So, let's begin: 1.  Informed Wo'C reader "The Mind Bomber" has tipped us off to some interesting Mr. Meghan news.  First, some background: As you will recall, Mr. Meghan is the Editor-in-Chief of the Washingon paper The Hill.  Or so he tells Meghan when she asks him to spend a little time with the kids so she can get out of the house for a few hours and have a one-night stand before she goes out of her mind and considers killing the liberal neighbors -- or at least putting Purple Heart stamps on their PTA flyers again.  Anyway, last week the Wash Post's gossip column, Names and Faces, said that "the popular gossip column for the Hill newspaper, The Shadow, has gotten the ax almost one year to the date from its initial debut. "  The Post heard it was "due to budgetary reasons," which made sense to us, since Meghan has been complaining lately about having to take the children to the free clinic for their medical care, and having to vacation at the dentist's for spring break, due to cash flow problems.  But Mr. Meghan said that it wasn't a lack of money, "he just has different ideas for the paper."  While that doesn't explain why eldest daughter Kerfuffle had to bake cakes to support the family, it could be true.  Whatever. So, today "Names and Faces" reports: My, my: Those guys who pen the Shadow column for the Hill newspaper aren't taking being fired lightly. Last week we reported that Dick Carlson ( Tucker's dad) and Bill Regardie got canned because of budgetary reasons. (Hey, it's better than being fired because you're bad.) But that didn't stop them from writing one last column (missive?) -- which they e-mailed to more than 600 people -- expressing their utter disdain for the Hill's editor-in-chief, Hugo Gurdon. The headline: "The Shadow Killed in Surprise Attack by Formerly Mild Editor: Few in Washington Shed Tears." You knew it was going to be ugly when the first description of Gurdon is "the feckless ink-stained wretch." "Hugo is the kind of villain (sans moustache but with a decidedly U British accent) the Shadow had been trying to protect you against." The final zinger, referring to the star character of the same-named radio show back in the 1930s, is: " Lamont Cranston used to ask: "What evil lurks in the heart of man? "He had never met Hugo." When we called Gurdon yesterday for his reaction, he merely said: "Their account of their departure is as imaginative as their column always was . . . and I wish them well." What's the old saying, "Don't argue with someone who buys ink by the barrel?" Perhaps that applies for e-mail, too.  Yes, this explains why Hugo is never home with Meghan and the kids: when not being a feckless ink-stained wretch at the office, he's out on D.C's streets, being an ineffectual supervillain.  We wish him well. 2.  Hoping to live down her Worst Mother moniker, Meghan is working on a new nickname for herself: America's Potty Mom™.  This week she has articles about toilet training in both Parenting Magazine and the Detroit News.  Well, actually the Detroit News piece is just a few tips taken from the Parenting Mag article, but still, Meghan's Potty Success should be an inspiration to us all.  And a horrible embarrassment, leading to court orders and permanent estrangement, to youngest children Shindy and Crampon. See for yourself: When my daughter Violet was 18 months old, I had one of those days that briefly made me feel like a world-champion mother. She and I were rummaging around in the basement, and we came across her older siblings' blue plastic potty. She immediately recognized it for the toilet substitute it was and hauled it up the stairs to our kitchen. And there commenced, for several hours, the most amazing display of self-education I've ever seen.  Off came her diaper, down she sat, and — presto! — out came a stream of pee. [...] Alas, it didn't last. Suddenly, Violet began to dance about in agitation. "Sit on the potty!" I said. "No, no, Mommy!" she replied. "Yes! Sit, sit!" I repeated. Too late, the poop arrived and half landed in the potty. "Aargh!" cried Violet, bursting into tears.  So alarming was this episode that Violet didn't venture near the potty for another year and a half. School bullies, if you need any ammunition with which to taunt and harass the Gurdon kids, just read their mother's parenting articles.  And here's Exhibit 2 in the case of Gurdon Vs Gurdon: This past summer, my 2-year-old, Phoebe, spent five lakeside weeks in the nude, and she quickly learned to tell me when she needed the potty. I'm afraid I couldn't quite keep the triumph out of my voice when I gushed to my envious friends, "Why, of course I'm proud. She's barely two and already potty trained!" Now what's that saying about pride coming before a fall? The minute we came home to city life — no more strolls in the buff — she reverted to her old, unpredictable ways. Which is why, like many moms, I find that keeping a box of baby wipes and a spare pair of undies handy is crucial to maintaining my maternal cool. Yes, toddlers are unpredictable, so keep a box of baby wipes, a spare pair of undies, and a copy of Proust handy at all times, for use in the case of pee-pee emergencies. Anyway, in her zeal to help other parents deal with poop and pee, Meghan doesn't just share embarrassing stories about her kids, she also tells tales of her friends' potty-training misadventures.  But at least those mothers are given pseudonyms, like "Chris of Washington, DC," thus providing a little anonymity to hapless youngsters while their caregivers share their most intimate secrets with the world ("Charlotte recalls that whenever R.J., now 4 years old, needed to use a public bathroom, she had to cover the toilet seat and any deodorizers, which he called "dings," with tissue paper").  Of course, some of these stories sound more like excuses to me ("One mom told me her daughter spent two extra years in diapers because the girl's grandfather had died the same day she first pooped in the toilet"), but again, whatever. But Meghan does offer some potty advice that's probably helpful, like "Don't nag," and "Tell the competent moms to just shut their pie-holes": Don't listen to scolding relatives. . .If someone remarks, "Isn't he a little old for diapers?" you might reply, "Well, he's still wearing them, so apparently not."  And if somebody says, "Crampon really looks like she needs to go -- shouldn't you get off the phone and help her use the potty?" you might reply, "Up yours, Sister-in Law."  And if the nosy parker social worker says, "We think Codswallop's bedwetting might be related to the dorky name you and your husband cursed him with," you could respond, "Eat lead, motherf-----!"  You know, if you wanted to. Anyway, we think this might be the start of a nice niche in journalism for Meghan, and we wish her well. 3.  It's also pee and poop day at The Bleat "Grant and Nathan said pee pee and poop in the sandbox today." James handles this by telling Gnat that Grant and Nathan are going to hell.  We wish them well. 4.  Alert Wo'C reader Stan J. has tipped us off to Canada's Worst Mother™, one Gail Lethbridge who writes a weekly "wacky parenting humor" column for the Halifax Chronicle-Herald called "Slacker Mom".  Sadly, you have to be a Herald subscriber to read her work online, but the paper does give us some tantalizing tidbits: Pudding @#!*%! Pudding, pudding, pudding!  LOCKED IN a road fight? Just say "pudding." Say pudding. Good. Now, remember that because we'll need it later. And, from last week: No Drano please. We're from HRM  EDITOR'S NOTE: At a recent Halifax regional school board meeting, sex was compared to a can of Drano in a debate over whether to distribute the provincial government's Sex? handbook in schools. The board voted to distribute it to students with some restrictions. So, using pudding to break up fights while on a road trip with the kids.  Teaching the youngsters to abstain from Drano until marriage.  You can pretty much fill in the blanks yourself.  Anyway, that's a "Bad Parenting Day" wrap (for now).  We wish everybody well. 1:12:09 PM

"Millions of Families are Benefitting from President's Tax Relief"  That's what the transcript of today's stump speech is called (misspelling and all).  But first, another tidbit about the Preznit's press conference, from the Wash Post's In the Loop:  Bush found a way to make not one, not two, but three factual errors in a single 15-word sentence, which must be something of a world indoor record. Bush said it is still possible that inspectors will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. "They could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," he said, referring to Libya's WMD disclosures last month. The White House, according to Reuters, said the accurate figure was 23.6 metric tons or 26 tons, not 50. The stuff was found at various locations, not at a turkey farm. And there was no mustard gas on the farm at all, but unfilled chemical munitions. Other than that, the sentence was spot on. Well, other than the part about how the WMDs could still be there.  But as for the other problems in that sentence, it reminds me of something the leader of America said today in Iowa: People are learning to read and write and add and subtract. We've got kind of a flaw in the pipeline in some places, where the accountability hasn't kicked in soon enough. Um, yeah.  The pipeline was stovepiped right to the top. Anyway, the stump speech has a bunch of new folksy, down-home, soccer Mom touches, for which I blame Karen Hughes.  For instance, there's the story of the Chenoweths, an average Iowan family whose simple, salt-of-the-earth lives were made a little better, thanks to the President and his Tax Cuts of Freedom. The Chenoweths are with us, Rob and Marci, and two of their four children, wherever they are. There they are. I can see them smiling. I promised the youngest son there that I wouldn't speak too long. I've already broken the promise, I guess. (Laughter.) The lad is about to doze off. (Laughter.) Ha ha.  Because Bush has a reputation for making boring speeches which put lads to sleep.  And the White House has a reputation for denying that he does -- and then kidnapping the children of cable news reporters to make them deny it too.  So, it's funny! The Chenoweths saved $2,700 on their taxes this year because of the child credit increase. That's a lot of money for a family of four. A young family of four can use $2,700. It helps them a lot. He said it helped pay for auto bills. With a family of four, you'd better have an automobile that can run. He said it helped them take a trip, which is good. And by the way, when you take the trip, you might go to a motel during the trip, in which case, the person at the motel is -- receives some business, which means that the person working at the hotel might more likely keep his or her job. He also put more money aside in his retirement plan at work. He's beginning to do his duty as a citizen to save for his family's future. The tax relief matters. If Congress does not make the parts of the tax code that are set to expire permanent this year, his taxes will go up by $1,300. That's the reality. So when you hear us talking about making the tax cuts permanent, think about the Chenoweths. By not making it permanent, we're taking money out of their pocket; we're making it harder for them to raise their children. We're making it harder for this good family to realize its dreams.  Yeah, vote to make the tax cuts permanent or the Chenoweth kids get it! And maybe it's just that I'm a commie and don't have kids (and didn't save much, if any, from the Bush tax cuts), but I can't understand the key point of this story: how the "child credit increase" saved a family with four kids $2700 on their taxes.  I'm pretty sure that by "child credit," Bush means that a kid is now worth a $1000 deduction instead of $500.  (I base this on an earlier remark in this speech, where the President said, "We've raised the child credit to $1,000.)  Okay, with four kids, wouldn't the Chenoweths have saved $2000 on this "child credit" thing?  So, how did they get $2700?  Are they cheating on their taxes?  Are they claiming the dogs as deductions?  Did the Preznit give them an extra $700 for letting him use them in his speech?  Personally, I'm not helping them realize their dream to go on another one of those trips where they stay in motels and watch porno movies until I get this $2700 "child credit increase" matter cleared up to my satisfaction. But Bush also gives us the story of Ted Stuart, entrepreneur ("So when you hear, tax on the rich, that's his company").  Getting a tax cut "really helped his business," in that it gave him more money.  Another success story! And then there are the Sages: And, finally, I met Jim and Ann Sage, from Waterloo, Iowa. I remember the time -- Chuck and I were laughing about this -- during the 2000 caucuses, I was going to give a speech at an elementary school in Waterloo, and it was -- they had the heat cranked up pretty high in the elementary school cafeteria. By the time I got there, some people were pretty wobbly. (Laughter.) And I got up there and started to speak, and a lady dropped out over there. (Laughter.) About a third of the way through the speech, another one hit the deck. (Laughter.) I tried to blame it on Senator Grassley, but I was the only one talking at the time. (Laughter.) Both of those ladies fell to their deaths.  (Laughter.)  And one of them was Mr. Sage's mother, and she left all her money to her son Jim.  And because of the President's doing away of the inheritance taxes, he received quite a tidy sum.  Another success story! Okay, I made up that connection between Bush's amusing anecdote and the Sages, because there was none.  And the real point of the Sages story is that someday the Sages will die, and when that happens, they'll vote for Bush, in gratitude for his sparing them the death tax. And besides the true-life examples, we also learn that the Bush tax cuts on investment income don't help the wealthy -- no, they help the disadvantaged elderly who live on meager pensions in rural towns: A lot of the tax relief that we passed was aimed at our seniors. By reducing the taxes on dividends, we've helped our seniors. You've got seniors living in rural America -- it's good that they have a little more money in their pocket. And the other cuts that seem like they are meant to help rich people, actually help YOU, Mister or Missus small town hick, because if John Walton saves some money on his taxes, he will use it to create more minimum wage jobs.  So everybody wins! Like I said, I don't know much about the Bush tax cuts, but I did try to do some research; and what I found was this Timothy Noah piece from last year.  It's about how the tax cuts were designed the screw the poor because Karl Rove hates them.  Anyway, that's what I got from it. But back to the Return of Karen Hughes, and the patented soccer Mom touches throughout this speech.  I attribute the line, "you farmers will know what I mean," which Bush said at least three times, to her.  Because it just seems like her: down-homey and stupid.   And the rape rooms are back!  Thanks, Karen.  I also think this acknowledgement that there may not be jobs for everybody in small town America -- and how it's all John Edwards' fault -- was her idea:  There are families wondering whether or not their loved one can find a job close to home, because this is a changing economy. This is different. Some things don't change: We need farmers out there planting the field, although agriculture is different from 30 years ago. We need our ranchers feeling good about things. We need to make sure, though, that this is the best place in the world to do business. If you're really interested in making sure that people can find work at home, America has got to be the best place to do business. The environment has got to be a good place for people to make a living, is what I'm telling you. And the first way to do so is to make sure our legal system is balanced and fair. You know, too many lawsuits run up the cost of doing business in America. Frivolous lawsuits are really hard on small businesses. So, the reason Sally and Billy can't get work is because the overalls factory outsourced all the jobs to Indonesia, due to those damned frivolous medical malpractice lawsuits in Hooterville. And then the speech ends with a paean to rural America: Let me conclude by also talking about a contribution that rural America makes that's important for the future of our country, as well. It's the spirit of rural America. Corn liquor. I oftentimes talk about the need to change this culture of ours in America from one that has said, if it feels good, why don't you just go ahead and do it, and if you've got a problem, blame somebody else, to a culture in which each of us understands we're responsible for the decisions we make in life. And it's changing. The culture is changing in America. A lot of it has to do with the culture of rural America, a culture based upon faith and family. Yup.  None of those damned hippies or CEOs in rural America!  Now, go milk some cows and show those effete liberals what rural spirit is all about. Oh, and speaking of Karen, here's what she said on yesterday's Rush Limbaugh show when asked why she's back working for Bush when she had allegedly quit the White House rat race to spend time with her family: It's mainly to be at his side [the side of her man, George Bush] to support him and, frankly, it's because it's important for my family and for every family in America that we'll reelect the president. My family's home in Texas. We're very happy to be here, but I'm also a citizen of this country, and I understand the stakes in the world right now, and I think it's absolutely vital. So if I can help in some small way with debate preparation or communication strategy coming down the stretch I want to be there and help; because I think, as the president made so clear the other night, the stakes are absolutely vital in the world. So, basically, after a year at home, she's sick of her family, and they hate her too.  Anyway, vote for Bush or Karen's family dies. Thus, in conclusion, I like to think that the mustard farm/turkey gas bit was Karen's idea. I also think that it's pretty clear that while Peggy Noonen thinks she loves President Bush, the whole affair is just an updated version of the Cyrano story, and Peggy really loves Karen Hughes. 2:01:05 AM