April 18, 2004 by s.z.

Tonight on the WWF: Teen Titan Discordia Vs. "Girly-Boy" Goldberg Discordia (who blogs at Near Outer Heaven ) has read Jonah Goldberg's "Frankenfreude" column and challenged Jonah to a Clash of the Unber-Nerds.   What's more, young Discordia has asked me to help judge the results of that mighty contest.  Which was easy enough (Jonah, while demonstrating a knack for coining fake German nouns and making disingenuous accusations of racism, sadly lacks a real argument, a sense of proportion, and a penis; on the other hand, Discordia smited him good).  So, I'd score the match as 3 points for Jonah (one point for spelling, and two points for his courage in admitting that he never got to hang out in the tree house with the cool kids when he was a boy last year) and a trillion points for Discordia (for pointing out the fallacies in Jonah's argument, for rebutting the (implied) charges of racism and hypocrisy which Jonah made against Franken, and for making Jonah say "I'm a weak excuse for a writer. I should be fired and replaced with a chimpanzee.") But Discordia also wanted "a bit of snark to liven up my humble little corner of the Internet."  And I'm just not up to it.  Maybe I'm getting senile, as Chris V. (or "Christ" Vosburg, as I like to call him) has implied, or maybe it's the cruel pollen-bombing unleashed upon my town by terrorist Mother Nature this week, but lately my mind just isn't as sharp as it used to be (and my head hurts and my eyes itch and I want to die).  So, I'm asking YOU to contribute your surplus snark to this effort.  You can leave it here, or at Discordia's site.  (All donations are tax-deductible.)  I thank you and your President thanks you.  Jonah probably won't thank you, however. 6:01:57 PM

What is This Thing You Call 'Blog'? Remember back in January, when web logs (or "blogs" to use the quaint terminology of the Internet) had just been invented?  The Washington Post does: Back in January, during the waning weeks of his special election campaign for the House, the Kentucky Democrat [A.B. "Ben" Chandler] spent $2,000 on ads on 11 blogs. It was, at the time, a novel idea. Howard Dean, and later most of his Democratic presidential rivals, had developed campaign blogs, or Web logs -- essentially, online journals of their comings and goings. But few, if any, candidates had tried advertising on other people's blogs. Chandler's campaign picked 11 sites that focused on politics, each of which featured a running commentary on the news of the day. The sites, conventional wisdom said, amounted to little more than obscure soapboxes for amateur pundits -- hardly a good place for candidates to spend scarce campaign dollars. But Chandler raised more than $80,000 over two next two weeks, and now blogs are the hot, new medium for politicial advertising.  Except that they're not hot or new anymore, and so candidates aren't reaping Chandler-eque sums.  But still, blogs are cheap, and some actually have readerships that go beyond the blogger's mother, best friend, and cat: There are hundreds, if not thousands, of such blogs, each offering its own, usually partisan, take on the nation's politics. But a handful have attracted somewhat sizable followings. On the left, there is, for example, DailyKos.com, TalkingPointsMemo.com and Atrios.blogspot.com. On the right, there are, among others, InstaPundit.com, RightWingNews.com and LittleGreenFootballs.com/weblog/.  And they each offer it's own take on the nation's politics, if you can believe that!  Insty's take is "Just so" and "Interesting."  I'm not that familiar with RightWing's, but I think you'd need a mental health expert to explain Spitball's.  But there is a danger to blog advertising, as demonstrated by the infamous "Affaire Kos." Still, many of the candidates have learned that associating themselves with a site can be risky. Some pulled their spots from DailyKos.com, after its author made what some considered to be offensive comments on the four American contractors killed in Iraq. The National Republican Senatorial Committee has criticized Carson [Brad Carson (D-Okla.)] for promoting that and other sites. "He wants to paint himself as a conservative Democrat, but he's comfortable promoting inflammatory Web sites that make their living bashing President Bush, conservatives and Republicans," said NRSC spokesman Dan Allen. Carson's spokesman said the candidate has recommended an array of blogs from across the political spectrum. CAN one make a living bashing President Bush, conservatives, and Republicans?  If so, sign me up for that!  Have blog, will bash! 5:17:09 PM

Looking for Mr. Good Church It's Sunday, you heathens, time to get metaphorically slapped silly, courtesy of Doug Giles. Today he starts with a question that has troubled all the great thinkers since the time of Aristotle: Have you ever asked yourself, “Self … why do churches today look more like the lingerie department at Wal-Mart, than a battalion of men poised to plunder the powers of darkness?”  And have you ever asked yourself, "Self, why don't churches today look more like the lingerie ads in the Victoria's Secret catalogue instead of the lingerie department at Wal-Mart?  And how gross would be it be if the people in MY church actually came to services in their undies?  Or NUDE?  I wonder what Mrs. Lovejoy looks like nude -- pretty hot, I bet.  But I bet Reverend Lovejoy is kinda lacking in the "rod of Christ" department.  And should I be having these kinds of thoughts in church?" Personally, I never had asked myself these questions until today, when somebody lead me into temptation.  Could it be . . .SATAN?  No, it was Doug, I'm pretty sure. Certainly, the lack of men in church is not at all difficult to see.  Just open your eyes any Sunday morning and go to church.  Then, count the number of ladies in the pews, and the number of men.  The result: you’re slapped in the face with the Jose Cuervo-like reality that men are avoiding church like Michael Jackson avoids reality. I'm not much of a drinker, but I have done research for one of the planet's foremost magazine booze columnists (AKA Scott), and in the course of my research I learned that Jose Cuervo is a brand of tequila.  Anyway, in MY faith, if you got slapped in the face by tequila at church, everybody (women AND men) would be gossiping about you for months, and you would probably be asked to leave the services until you were sober.  Especially if you said you were there to count men, and it had something to do with Michael Jackson. And I think I recall one of those AA checklists ("Are You a Booze Hound?") saying that if you are being slapped in the face by tequila-like realities, it's time to get help. More and more, we are seeing fewer and fewer mature and responsible, evil-challenging tripods who love leadership, the struggle and aren’t afraid to boldly face an increasingly godless environment with conviction, power and the love of God. Anybody whose penis is such that he calls himself a "tripod" is probably not out there challenging evil, I would guess. Anyway, the rest of Doug's piece is an excellent expose of how church makes men gay.    Here are some of his tips on how we can counter that: · Put an end to preaching by cheesy, whiny, quiche eating, preening Nancy Boys ... right now!  It freaks us meat eaters out.  Get it?  Hire a pastor who throws off a good John Wayne vibe instead of that Boy George feeling.  Know what I mean?  And cheer on “Pastor Wayne” to serve up the solid meat of the scripture … the stuff that prods the congregation to biblical maturity rather than prolonging their infancy. Today "Pastor Wayne" will be speaking on "Why God Wants You to Go to War and Kill Bad Guys, While I Stay Here And Make Movies." · Ditto regarding the worship/music leader.  And make sure your new testosterone laden songmeister is outfitted with weighty worship music instead of the saccharine-laced slush we have had to sing ad nauseam et infinitum for the last, oh, 100 years.  That’s a pretty simple can-do … don’t you think? Yeah!  We want manly music for simple men!  Here are a few suggestions: Onward, Christian Soldiers, Marching as to Kick Some Heathen Ass A Mighty Rocket Launcher is Our God Lead Kindly Infrared Goggles, Amidst the Uncertain Gloom The Battle Hymn of the Church of the Lingerie Dept. of Wal-Mart · Enough with the Precious Moments prints and figurines -- okay?  How about decking out the sanctuary with serious transcendent art work that stops us in our tracks, rather than ubiquitous prints of fat baby angels who look like they’ve got a good buzz going from too much Mountain Dew and children’s aspirin? Here's some MANLY art for you: Doug's Art.  (Scroll down to "The Wrath of God" and see what I mean.) If the Church wants to recover its losses, we’ve got to draw the knuckle draggers back to church.  Masculine men are pretty easy.  Toss in reason, competition, initiation, struggle, fun and a problem to spiritually throttle, and we’ll be there like stink on a monkey.  Blow off, suppress, and spiritually emasculate the environment of these holy testicular necessities and your church, as far as men go, will be more empty than an Oktoberfest in Hialeah. Isn't Hialeah a race track?  And isn't Oktoberfest about beer and beer wenches?  So wouldn't knuckle draggers LOVE an event that promises lots of sport, gambling, beer, and frauleins with big knockers in low-cut peasant blouses? Anyway, while I'm not sure that churches are going to gain much by going after the "stink on a monkey" demographics, if they really want to, I'd suggest implementing Doug's first idea: having lingerie shows instead of sermons.  My ClashPoint is this: if concerned conservative Christians want to improve our nation biblically, then the Church has got to eliminate its effeminate drift and re-establish a masculine base.  Our times demand strong men: the Church must produce them, not repel them.  The Church needs men, who start a ministry, start a business; get involved in politics, the arts and education, and who are not afraid of the secular thugs and pimps who try to keep Christians marginalized in a religious ghetto.  In short, Doug's ClashPoint is this: we need more Dougs.  Because those Wal-Mart lingerie models aren't going to ogle themselves. 4:20:01 PM