April 4, 2004 by s.z.

Which Townhall Pundit Are You?

All the cool kids (Roger Ailes, Ezra, some others who I'm too lazy to go back and find URLS for) are taking the Quizella test: Which NY Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You?

However, since the site is getting too much traffic for me to be able to open the page to take the test, I have made up my little quiz which YOU can take in the convenience of your own home.  So, get out a #2 pencil, and open your test booklet . . .NOW!

 1.  Your age is:

A.  Under 21.  In fact, you're some kind of damned prodigy.

B.  30-something.  But you're still really hip and with-it, and stuff, and can quote dialogue from "The Simpsons" to prove it.

C. 30-something, and you hate the youth culture and all it stands for. 

D.  Under 40, despite what those dammed liberals might say!

E.  You had a bad, rad youth until you got down the cat called Jesus, so today's young people can relate to you, whatever your age is.

D.  Let's just say that you're a seasoned professional.

2.  Your religion is:

A. Orthodox Judaism.

B. Ethnic Judaism

C. Social Christianity

D. That kind of Christianity where you don't have to be nice to others

E. Really cool, happenin' Christianity

C. Baseball

3.  When not punditing, you like nothing more than:

A. Practicing the violin and chastity.

B. Watching Star Trek, playing with your Star Wars action figures,dressing up like Lord of the Rings characters, pretending your dog can talk.

C. Crocheting, pier fishing with your dad, immigrant bashing.

D. Eating babies.

E. Watching your taped Dennis Miller rants.

F.  Boring people with baseball stuff.

4.  Your Most Embarrassing Moment was:

A. That time you wrote that gushy column about Ann Coulter and she never reciprocated.

B. When Ann Coulter called you a girly-boy.

C. When they released Chaplain Yee after all those things you'd written about Muslims being spies.  No, wait, that didn't embarrass you a bit, 'cause you don't embarrass.

D. The day one of your body parts was a gag in "Boondocks."

E. When you noticed the whole blogosphere was making fun of your metaphors.

F. The time your then-wife put your things on the lawn with a sign on top saying, "Take it somewhere else, buster."

5.  Your friends would describe you as:

A. A really sharp young person.

B. A seventh-level Dungeon Master.

C. A lovely person whom you almost forget is, you know, one of them.

D. A lot of fun at parties, and black masses.

E. Okay, for an old dude.

F. Somebody with a really big vocabulary and an extensive knowledge of baseball.

6.  You would describe yourself in your Townhall bio as:

A. A reasoned political thinker and a powerful writer.

B. One of the most prominent young conservative journalists on the scene today  ... Generation X’s answer to P.J. O’Rourke.

C. The 1997 Evert Clark Science Award winner.

D. A bomb-thrower.

E. A no-nonsense, God-fearing student of society with a special ability to jerk the slack out of slacking young people,

F. "Regular."

7.  Your favorite color is:

A. White, for purity.

B. White, in honor of Gandalf.

C. White, the color of true Americans.

D. White, because it's the color of the flags the liberals are waving as they admit you have defeated them once again.

E. White, because you have to wash your sins that color my young friend, if you want to hang out with Jesus and heaven's A-list

F. White, in honor of the White Sox. 

8.  You are Most Likely to Say:

A. "Even after I explain that I am a virgin because of religious conviction (Orthodox Judaism), and proud of my abstinence, they still think calling me a virgin is an insult. From which I can draw one of two conclusions: either they're 1) ignorant and horny, or 2) anti-Semitic."

B. "And yet, Americans love the Brits and can't stand what one character on 'The Simpsons' calls 'the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.'"

C. "Stop telling me Islam had nothing to do with it." 

D. "Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity (as opposed to other religions whose tenets are more along the lines of 'kill everyone who doesn't smell bad and doesn't answer to the name Mohammed')."

E. "Our Judeo-Christian roots support our luscious American tree." 
F. "Steroids threaten to define a second discontinuity -- a parenthesis -- in baseball's narrative." 

Scoring

Count up how many "A"s, "B"s, etc., you selected.  Whichever you have the most of is your inner Townhall pundit. 

A = You are Ben Shapiro.  You should get laid (after you get married, of course).

B = You are Jonah Goldberg.  You should change your name and try to start life afresh in some country where your mother's evil influence won't help you get jobs.

C = You are Michelle Malkin.  You should see if counseling can help you overcome your shame and self-loathing over being the daughter of immigrants.

D= You are Ann Coulter.  You should give up punditing, marry Ben Shapiro, and stay home and raise babies

E = You are Doug Giles.  You should give up religion, kill Dennis Miller, and take over his fascinating life.

F =  You are George F. Will.  You should retire from punditing and live the dream of being a professional baseball player.  It's not too late -- remember Robert Redford in The Natural!

8:06:28 AM