Using Forwarded Emails for Good and Not for EvilOur friend David E. emailed this to me. It was forwarded to him by his mother. David says, "In 8 years, my mother's never forwarded anything of value, but finally, one came in that's kinda funny..." I thought it was funny too. It's possible you've already seen it (maybe David's mother forwarded it to you too), but if just one of you is amused by it, then all my hard work of cutting and pasting will have been worthwhile.
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You'll Believe a Minivan can Fly!Well, apparently John Rule is late with his "Hal Lindsey Oracle Cartoon" for today, so we've found an interesting one from a couple of week's ago for your experiment. (Once again we must credit Pete from The Dark Window for the idea -- except that he's apparently prayed his way to riches and is off in Cannes for the weekend, so we could probably claim all rights to his idea under the principle of constructive abandonment, or eminent domain, or something like that). But first, let us thank Preznit Giv Me Turkee for dealing with yesterday's FC strip on a day when reading through Bush's speeches left us unable to deal with another cartoon view of life. (To read the analysis, see the last comment on the entry for Friday's FC cartoon.) Okay, now on to the dimension not just of sight and sound, but of lack of mind. A place of substance and shadow, where religions and politics mix. Look at the signpost up ahead, it's Hal Lindsey's Oracle Cartoons! The cartoon I've chosen to dissect today is called Scary Kerry. Cartoon: A guy in a white top hat (possibly the Mat Hatter) is driving a Barbie-sized blue convertible with a license plate which reads "USA." (Apparently after he bought the car from Barbie, he failed to get new plates.) To his right is Bob Barker, who is wearing a "Kerry '04" button. Bob has blocked off the road with orange construction cones, a barricade, and a sign with an arrow which points traffic to the "LEFT." He is waving frantically with his right hand, and using his right to point at a red minivan -- presumably, saying, "Hey, dude, look at the doofus in the minivan who just drove over the cliff!" But this isn't just any minivan: somebody has written "Christian Values" on its back window with white shoe polish. Damn those Christian teen gangs, defacing the property of others in order to mark their territory. Oh, and the van is flying -- you can see its tire marks in the sky. Analysis: The cartoon takes place in the Loony Tunes universe, where the first law of physics is that if you drive or walk off of a cliff, you won't fall until you notice that nothing is holding you up. Pretty soon now the driver of Christian Values is going to notice that he's not no longer on solid ground, and he'll plummet to his death. That is, if there is a driver. I can't see anybody inside the vehicle, so maybe it's one of those magic flying cars, like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It would sure be a cruel joke on the Mad Hatter if he followed Chitty Chitty Christian Values over the edge of the precipice, not realizing that Barbie Cars aren't magic. But why did Bob Barker barricade the road? As we can deduce from his hyper-kinetic left arm, he is suffering from a thyroid problem which has made him irritable and short-tempered (which often happens in cases of an overactive thyroid), and he is mad about all the traffic going past his mountainside mansion. However, apparently Bob considers John Kerry to be a responsible pet owner who spays and neuters his dogs appropriately, so Bob is supporting Kerry this year. Prediction: The can of black paint under the barricade indicates that Kerry will get 95% of the black vote in the upcoming election. Also, John Rule is warning us that just because Christian Values jumps off a cliff, that's no reason for American to follow. 5:02:04 AM |
Clashing and PointingIt's Sunday, and time for some Doug Giles, you sinners. Our sermon for today is called Not Living in Terror in the Face of Terrorism:
Sorry, Doug. we're going to have to stop you right there, because if you haven't read a newspaper in nearly three years and so don't know that the box cutter myth has been discredited, you forfeit the right to tell us how to live in the face of anything. But since the new Hal Lindsey cartoon isn't up yet and we don't feel like finding another spiritual message for you, we'll go ahead and deal with Doug's main points.
1. Take up Xtreme sports and watch Michael Jordan play basketball. 2. Be suspicious "of all 18-40 year old Middle Eastern males who live in the U.S." "Report anything that remotely smells bogus." 3. Live in dread: "Namely, the dread of the loss of our freedoms, the dread of loss of truth and the dread of our nation’s loss of God." So, be very afraid of the Patriot Act, faith-based science, and the Republicans usurpation of God.
It's my life and I'll fear what I want!
That's all that Tom Ridge asks: that you wail like a stuck hog any time you smell anything remotely bogus.
See, because all terrorists ride camels, it's an easy way to recognize them. So, if you do happen to see a camel -- at the zoo perhaps -- be sure to call your local FBI office and wail like a stuck hog. Well, that didn't take long, did it? So, it looks like there's time to alert you to a threat even more serious than that of camels:  Satan's Precious Moments Figurines! Here are some of Doug's writings on these big-eyed, no-nosed porcelain enemies of all that is good and holy:
So, be on the lookout for these too, too preciously adorable knickknacks. They are thought to be armed (unless you pull on their little arms and snap them right off) and cute as a bug in a rug. If you see "A Grandma's Love is One Size Fits All," "Happy Birthday to Our Love," "A Tub Full of Love," or any other of these accursed images from hell, squeal like a pig your local ClashPoint authorities. 4:02:55 AM |
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