June 14, 2004 by s.z.

All the Crazy Jesus Ladies 1.  Peggy Noonan had a lovely time at the Reagan funeral ("it was a beautiful day for all of us"). The sun was strong, like a presence. It bathed the women in glow. And it bathed the men in perspiration, and the horses in sweat.  Anyway, the woman getting bathed turned out to be Margaret Thatcher.  To my son, whose 17th birthday was the next day, she said, "And what do you study?" He tells her he loves history and literature. "Mathematics," she says. He nods, wondering, I think, if she had heard him correctly. She had. She was giving him advice. "In the world of the future it will be mathematics that we need--the hard, specific knowledge of mathematical formulae, you see." My son nodded: "Yes, ma'am." Later I squeezed his arm. "Take notes," I said. This is history. Yes, young master Peggy's son, heed well the words of the archaic, old, foreign woman, because she knows what the future holds.  She also knows that imprecise, mushy subjects like history and literature will turn you into a weak-minded liberal. I will probably be telling, in this space, more as the weeks and months go by. I hope you don't mind, but there are so many stories. Since the funeral was the best thing that's happened to Peggy in a couple of decades, I'm sure we be hearing a LOT more about it in the coming years.  2.  Now, let's hear from old friend Jen Shroder.  Today she explains why teaching critical thinking skills is an assault on religious freedom and a violation of students' constitutional rights. Secular "critical thinking" directs an impressionable child to judge based on secular reasoning. Secular reasoning is devoid of faith, it is atheistic by nature impeded by "critical thinking" when approaching religion. Justice demands religion cannot be measured by man's objective (atheist) reasoning as it is a matter of faith. Therefore, objective secular standards cannot be the guide to "teach" religious beliefs without prejudice, to do so completely destroys a child's right to religious freedom. [...] Christians walk by faith not by sight. To place all of the above under "secular" (devoid of faith) reasoning is a blatant assault on religion through an atheist lens. So, if public schools teach kids to think critically, then the kids might use their new thinking skills to question religion -- which would obviously cause them to become atheists, a violation of their right to religious freedom.  Q.E.D.  No, instead of teaching "thinking," the schools should indoctrinate their pupils with the importance of accepting everything they are told by authority figures.  This will protect the students' right to be blindly religious, and thus assure their eternal salvation. 3.  Now, let's met new friend Kerry L. Marsala ("Writing about cultural, social and political ideologies by using a bit of satire every now and again helps keep her grey cells stirring").  Today, in a column entitled Toxic Subversion, she explains how freedom of speech shouldn't apply to bad speech, such as rap music.  With soft porn, drugs and violence being peddled faster than the Wicked Witch of the West, the Pandoras Box of encouraging our youth to have sex, use drugs and violently act out is flooding its contents quickly upon our societies youth.  Doug Giles better watch out -- Kerry can give him a run for his money in the clunky metaphor contest. Available to every kid now 24/7/365 and packaged under the Freedom of Speech for your kiddies comes song lyrics that express having sex with whom, what, and where ever makes you feel good, along with cappin someone cause they looked at you funny (This includes both artists genders). I have no idea what Terry is talking about, but I will defend to the death her right to mangle the language this way. That's not all folks, act quickly to change that dial on the radio.  Shows that are touted as entertainment (Howard Stern) will be blaring from your car speaker's epithets of unknown body parts. I think what she means here is: "If you don't quickly change the channel on your car radio (and turn down the volume while you're at it), the Howard Stern show will soon blare from your speakers.  Although touted as entertainment, Stern's program actually consists of epitaphs from the Tomb of the Unknown Body Parts."  Ever try taking you kid with you to a music store?  The music is pumpin, the beat is thumpin ... another store might be showing the video to the heart warming tune of We All Die Someday performed by DJ Muggs, 50-Cent, Eminem, G-Unit and Lloyd Banks. With lyrical stanza sung by Eminem like this;  "I'm an OG, your (expletive) with GI Joe."  I am not kidding here either.  Oh, I don't doubt Kerry's word for a second --just her punctuation.  However, I have to wonder why, from a song containing a boatload of controversial lyrics, she found this line the most offensive.  I guess it was the idea of f---ing GI Joe that got to her, which probably tells us more about her childhood than we needed to know. Yes, I can cover my kids' ears/eyes and run from the store, but why am I a hard working taxpayer being denied the right not to have my kids eyes and ears assaulted?  Why are the rights only given to those who have the agents, managers, and labels? Yes, why is a taxpayer like Kerry being denied the right to not take her kids into music stores where they don't not play family-appropriate music?  I'm pretty sure that's one of those things the Founding Fathers should have addressed. 4:07:50 AM

Today's ClashPoint: The Past was Neato but the Present is Icky In this week's column, Doug Giles testifies about Character in a Crappy Culture. Don’t know if I can definitively tell you where character has landed … but it’s no secret that it took the red eye flight out of here sometime in the early 60’s. Yes, in the 1950s, America had GREAT character.  Everybody was honest, nobody had sex out of wedlock, and gays, blacks, and women all knew their places.  And then, in 1964, the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, and character took a cheap flight to Mexico, where it made a meager living drawing pictures of Jesus on tortillas. Oh, and isn't Doug's simile a lowgrade retread of "And the three men I admire most/ The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost/ They caught the last train to the coast/ The day the music died"?  If so, is it part of Doug's theology that that music can save his mortal soul? (And can you teach him how to dance real slow?) You know, until recently, character and substance served as the funky bottom line bass note to our Western culture’s earth blessing groove. But since the early 60's it seems as if character has packed its bags, kissed its kids bye-bye and taken a one way flight out of our country. So, did character skip town in the early '60s or "recently"?  Until we get this resolved, we can't file a missing persons report for character.  Oh, and I think "Western Culture's earth blessing groove" is almost as good as "luscious tree of America." From Plato to the Apostle Paul to the original American architects and builders, character was viewed as a non-negotiable component of liberty and justice for all.  Unfortunately, what was an essential ingredient in our national blessing is now more absent from our postmodern milieu than Jessica Simpson during an Oxford Lit discussion concerning Shelley’s symbolism in Frankenstein. With metaphors like that, it's a safe bet that Doug won't be invited to any Oxford lit discussions either. Character used to be the staple of great nations, leaders and people.  To lead, a few hundred years ago, you had to bring to the table faith, character and virtue. Actually, to lead, a few hundred years ago, you had to be born into the nobility.  Nowadays, all you need is a killer $500 haircut, good taste in pop music, several botox injections, the right number of syllables in your last name and an off-the-chain marketing agent. Hey, George Bush does not have good taste in pop music! And now Doug will now ridicule somebody for being a hypocrite -- let's see if we can guess who he's referring to. You’ve seen it … some Boss Hogg on TV … some modern day Pharisee who’s got his own mistresses and vices that contradict his personal (or his party’s) scream for virtue.  Hey, Captain Obvious … we know adultery is wrong.  But you know what?  So is gluttony, and so is being a jackass.  So, you drop 300 pounds, get some grace about you—and then we'll talk contrition.  Okey Dokey?  Well, alrighty then. To me, he seems to be pointing a finger at Jerry Falwell, Ken Starr, Henry Hyde, and/or Rush Limbaugh -- but that last line seems to refer to Jim Carrey (which is unfair, IMHO, since Carrey isn't overweight.)  The 21st century has put a premium on style, not substance.  Within our shallow and slushy society, charisma is whuppin’ character like a Texas redneck would whup a sarcastic and tubby French tourist.  So, character is a tubby French tourist?  Well, no WONDER it fled the country.  (I think Doug should address the rest of his indignant remarks to those Texas rednecks who are responsible for the characterless state of our nation, and leave the rest of us out of it.) It used to be that you actually had to do something to become noted … kind of like President Ronald Reagan did. Yes, Reagan had to die in Knute Rockne, All American. Nowadays, all you have to do to get out of the ignored muck of humanity is get silicone implants and do jumping jacks in a mini skirt.  Or, get silicone implants and temporarily relocate to a deserted island with other morons and try to survive.  Or, get silicone implants and marry a Kennedy. Hey, taking cheap shots at Arnold Schwartzenegger is uncalled for -- he got those injections for medical purposes.  (And I think Doug is just mad that he didn't get picked for "Survivor: Florida Holiday Inn" because he really wanted to show the world his Adam-like expertise at living off the land.) My ClashPoint is this: if we’re going to see our nation pull out of the external debacles we’re currently cooking in—and stay out—we’re going to have to go to work on ourselves internally.  We’ve got to re-inject a mega dose of faith, character and virtue back into the personal and national mix.  That is, if we want to continue to enjoy a free and just society. Let’s put a moratorium on the banal and the inconsequential.  Let’s duct tape the charismatic who’s void of character. Well, okay.  While I can't actually duct tape him, I hereby vow to put a moratorium on Doug Giles' columns until he actually says something of substance.  Or until he comes up with (i.e., steals from Dennis Miller) another metaphor with the brilliance of "crack night in the ferret hut." 3:12:30 AM