June 18, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circle -- The Scales Fall From Our Eyes  First, some notes from yesterday's prophecy: extra points toYosef and Preznit for not extorting extra points, and for consistently turning in excellent quality work (I too love the idea that the Circle children are actually short, wide teens -- and I think that Preznit may be right about the oil pipeline playing a key role in yesterday's strip).  Bonus points also to AC for making us REALLY scared of Bar, and to Susie for explaining what "hafta" is. Today's Cartoon (You can see it here) Billy is in the bathroom, standing on the scales. He tells his little friend, who watching him dubiously by the door, "This is our weighting room." Explication: Billy is wearing a read sweater.  His friend, (who is black!!!), is wearing a blue sweat shirt and a blue baseball cap.  Obviously, Billy represents the Republican Party, while his friend represents the Democrats.  Both are in the "weighting" room, "waiting" for the November election results.  Billy, who is on the scales, controls the room for now, but he being "weighed" by the voters, who will find him wanting.  And then the light purple towel (representing the mantle of the presidency) will pass from him to the Democratic candidate, John Kerry (the second "black President"). Prediction: Although this room has a wash basin, a towel rack, and yes, bathroom scales, it doesn't seem to have a toilet. This means that after the Democrats control the room, there will be a lot of crap to clean up (i.e., Afghanistan and Iraq). 5:00:43 AM

Expanding Our Horizons Our friend David E. has come up with what sounds like a great new source of amusement: People magazine.  No, not for the articles, for the reader mail.  If you're getting tired of deconstructing Family Circus, I have a new plan for you. Unfortunately, it requires a little bit of a cash outlay. . . or at least a weekly trip to Barnes & Noble. I propose developing backstories on the writers of letters to People magazine. If you've never sat and read through the set of letters published, you're missing a bottomless well of potential.  They range from the most superficial to the most confused, and speak volumes about the empty, soulless, celebrity-worshipping heart of America. You could create brilliant backstories about these people, the ones who write in to chastise People for saying Bullwinkle wasn't as cool as Bart Simpson, the ones who write in to call Jennifer Lopez the hardest working woman in show business and she deserves all the happiness in the world, the ones who write in to tell People how wrong it is to include Colin Farrell on the 50 Most Beautiful People list because he's only "cute." In a related project, I'm determined to get a letter of mine published in People. I'm trying to write something that sounds like it would be written by an actual reader, but has an irony it. Sort of like General J.C. Christian's stuff, but less overtly satirical. Today's try, spelling errors intentional: While I too loved Ronald Reagan, I said goodbye to him in my heart years ago when his Alzhimers became serious. So I was dissapointed to see such small cover space given to Jennifer Lopez's wedding. Reagan left us a long time ago, and I depend on People to cover what's most important! Sincerely, David E. I think that's a lovely letter, David, and I would certainly publish it if I were the People letters editor (which, knock on wood, will never, EVER happen). Anyway, I like David's idea of learning more about those salt of the earth folks who write letters to People -- so, I guess it's time for me to take a trip to Borders to read magazines without paying for them.  The rest of you may want to start stealing some copies from doctors' offices, so you can play too.  4:23:31 AM

Nice Soul You Got There -- Be a Real Shame if it Burned in Hell 'Cause You Didn't Vote Right Let's read some passages from a NY Times piece about how Bush's faith-based political advocacy is pushing pastors awfully close to the "no tax exempt status for you!" point:    Mr. Bush's courtship of Southern Baptists, the largest Protestant denomination, began Tuesday when he addressed them in a live telecast from the White House and thanked them for their prayers. The campaign's appeals picked up in earnest the next day, when Ralph Reed, the former head of the Christian Coalition, who is now an official of the Bush campaign, arrived to ask pastors more explicitly for their help in winning votes. Mr. Reed delivered his remarks at a Bush-Cheney "pastors reception," paid for by the Bush campaign. The hosts were the departing president of the Southern Baptists and three other prominent leaders, and the reception was in a conference room of a hotel adjacent to the convention. As the pastors came in, a campaign aide collected about 100 signatures and addresses from ministers pledging to endorse Mr. Bush's re-election publicly, to "host a citizenship Sunday for voter registration," to "identify someone who will help in voter registration and outreach" and to organize a " 'party for the president' with other pastors" on specific dates closer to the election. Hey, since Gen. J.C. Christian's "Party for the President" notice has been mysteriously removed from the Bush-Cheney web site, maybe he could party with the other pastors.  I'm sure a good time would be had by all. As the pastors mingled around fountains of soft drinks and trays of cubed cheese, Mr. Reed urged, "Without advocating on behalf of any candidate or political party, you can make sure that everyone in your circle of influence is registered to vote." Damn that crafty Reed -- he knows that simple men of God can easily be bribed with soft drink fountains and trays of cubed cheese.  And if  they can't, the incriminating photos of them enjoying the complimentary hookers should do the trick. But as the Bush campaign escalates its appeals to conservative Christian churches, experts in election law say, it is inviting pastors toward potentially treacherous terrain where letting personal endorsements spill over into the business of their churches can jeopardize their tax-exempt status. "It is pushing the line," said Larry Noble, executive director of the Center for Responsive Politics and the former general counsel to the Federal Election Commission. "It goes to the question of, 'How often can you switch hats?' "   Mr. Reed, for his part, appeared to relish any criticism of the campaign for cultivating churches, since it served to reinforce the campaign's connection to the faith. In his speech at the reception, he brought up recent criticism of the campaign over an e-mail message from Pennsylvania suggesting that supporters distribute campaign information inside the places of worship of "friendly congregations," something specialists in election law say might jeopardize their tax status. "I, for one, believe people of faith have the same rights to participate in the political process as any other citizens," he said. "Christians should not be treated as second-class citizens."  Yes, if pastors can't use their pulpits to order their followers to vote for Bush without losing their tax exempt status, then it means that Christians are being persecuted again, poor things.  But I imagine the prospect of being fed to the lions --  or being treated like any other political advocacy group and having to pay tases -- won't keep these pastors from doing all they can to persuade their followers to vote the Bush-Jesus ticket in 2004.  After all, they wouldn't want to disappoint Cardinal Ralph Reed or Pope Karl Rove. 4:02:21 AM

How Satan Uses Fake Dog Poop To Lead Your Kid to Hell Family News In Focus ("A Web site of Focus on the Family") offers us information about the lastest target of evangelical wrath: Spencer Gifts.  Spencer Gifts used to be a haven for kids, filled with goofy gag gifts. Now it's a porn shop in the mall — but still marketing to children. A few decades ago, walking into Spencer Gifts meant entering a kids' dream world filled with silly gags and novelty gifts like black teeth gum, phony spilled milk and glow in the dark toys. Today, however, Spencer's is still a playground — but it is no longer for kids, even though one would argue the company strategically markets to children. Spencer's has gone down the road of the rude and downright pornographic. Isn't it sad to see how the plastic vomit business has devolved over time? Spencer's is currently promoting a giveaway in its retail stores — you can find one in just about every American mall — advertised by large displays that proclaim the theme of "Ready, Sex, Go." The posters explain that you have a chance to win a " 'Wild On' Party in Paradise with E!'s 'Wild On' " — a reference to a racy TV series on the cable network E! known for surveying the hottest party spots (and the skimpiest clothing) around the world. Some might argue such displays, while offensive, aren't nearly as indecent as the huge posters of lingerie-clad models that accost mall patrons who walk by a Victoria's Secret outlet. But while Spencer's may only use the word "sex" — not images of it — to attract passers-by, inside the store it's a different story. So, Spencers uses the world "sex" in its posters.  I can just imagine the millions of kids who have become pimps and hos from seeing them. One of first displays you're likely to see as you enter is a bunch of drinking games along with sexually explicit bottle openers. I can't tell you how many children have been lured into lives of sin and debauchery by sexually explicit bottle openers.  (Leslie Nelson: "You can tell me -- I'm a docter.") Going in a little further, there's some of the clothing the store is promoting. One item marketed specifically to pre-teens has the words, "Oops, I said the F-Word" on it. And then, about halfway in, you find an entire shelf of sexually oriented items — from games that deal with sex to various sexual products and "pleasure" items. Nowhere is there a sign that says you're required to be a certain age in order to purchase these products; in fact, the only sign nearby says that all sales are final because of the "personal nature" of the products. So, there is nothing stopping the store from selling "sexually oriented items" to children as young as 6-months old -- and those babies won't even be able to return the items, since that's against store policy! This isn't all that you'll find inside Spencer's, though, and that's the saddest thing of all. You can still find plenty of those gag gifts that kids find so irresistible, but now to get to them they have to be exposed to a culture no child should ever have to face. Well, apparently not enough children found those gag gifts "irresistible," or Spencer wouldn't have branched out into the naughty board game and edible underwear business. As members of society and paying customers in the mall, we have a voice that Spencer's will listen to — just as Abercrombie & Fitch listened when Americans protested the company's pornographic catalogs. But we have to make the choice to use that voice — to reverse, rather than just complain about, the moral decay of our country. Yes, studies have proven that complaining can reverse moral decay -- and also tooth decay, if you floss after ever whine. But ARE Focus on the Family members actually "paying customers in the mall"?  Are they even members of society?  If I were Spencers, I'd do some research before I caved in to their demands. TAKE ACTION Please consider contacting Steven Silverstein, president and CEO of Spencer Gifts, Inc. to let him know what you think about the chain's new "Ready, Sex, Go" advertising campaign and the products being sold as part of it. You can call Spencer Gifts, Inc. at 609-645-3300 or fax a letter to him at 609-645-5633. Spencer's Gifts is owned by the Gordon Brothers Group, LLC. The CEO is Michael G. Frieze. They bought Spencer Gifts, Inc. in 2003. We encourage you to let Gordon Brothers Group also know how you feel about Spencer Gifts and the products sold there. You can call them at 617-426-3233 or fax them at 617-422-6222. To send one e-mail to both Silverstein and Frieze, click here.  Once you click, you are offered a virtual smorgasbord of issues you can complain about, and people to whom you can send angry emails.  From "Be Heard on Raunchy Super Bowl Halftime Show" to "Sound Off About MTV's New Gay Network," there is something for every sex-obsessed prude to kill the joy about.  To me, this section of the Focus on the Family site seems to be: Free Market be damned -- nobody should be able to merchase or enjoy the things I don't like." Anyway, they've made "speaking your mind" really, really easy.  Just choose the email template for your outrage of choice, give your message a subject line, and sign your name (adding text to actually speak your mind about the issue is optional).  You do have to provide your address, phone number, etc "to identify you to the recipient," but it occurs to me that unscrupulous people could list phony info. I thought about telling the FCC what I think of indecency ("I think it's swell"), but I'm really tired -- however, maybe tomorrow. So, in conclusion, I urge you to email Focus on the Family and tell them what you think of their campaign against Spencer Gift's "Ready, Sex, Go" campaign.  If you have James Dobson's phone number, feel free to call him at home to express your views. 3:29:52 AM