June 23, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circus Philosphy Today's Cartoon (You can see it here) Billy, wearing a red shirt and looking very much like rival Dennis the Menace, is standing on a chair in front of what seems to be the kitchen sink.  A small white box and a drinking glass are at the ready, and he holds a piece of string in his hands.  A blank-faced Dolly is watching him. He tells her: "Today at the dentist's I took a whole course in FLOSSophy." Analysis: Note that Billy is wearing a red shirt -- this indicates that Billy represents the Republican Party.  (Or it means that Billy is Ensign Nonentity, and is going to be killed by a salt monster or something before the next commercial.)  Anyway, Billy took a course in "FLOSSophy."  This means that the Republican Party's philosophy, which used to be one of small government and fiscal responsibility, has been reduced to "keep your teeth clean" (i.e., "don't get caught").  And since Billy doesn't have a toothbrush or toothpaste, even if he flosses, his mouth is going to stink and his teeth will rot (meaning that more and more Republicans are going to be revealed as hypocrites and criminals -- John Rowland and Jack Ryan were just the beginning). Also note that the expressionless Dolly appears to be an automaton who does Billy's bidding without thought or self-awareness.  She represents the Republican true believers.  However, because she blindly follows orders, when Billy is replaced by Dennis the Menace (fascism), she will follow him just as readily.  It seems that Keane is a bitter critic of the Republican Party. Prediction: Billy's mention of a visit to the dentist naturally brings to mind the torture scene in The Marathon Man. So, as Bush continues to slip in the polls, the Republican Party will be tortured by the  question "is it safe?" over the next several months. Also, it will be revealed that Dick Cheney is really Josef Mengele. Okay, I really don't know what this cartoon means.  I'm tired.  So very tired.  So, I recommend that you read the comments on yesterday's Family Circus strip, and hope that Alison, amblongus, Xan, Flip YrWhig, Pete M,  Yosef,  Chris V, preznit giv me turkee, and Susie Dow can repeat their astounding literary and fortune telling success once again. 7:01:14 AM

Townhall: A True Dog Story Apparently Ronald Reagan is no longer dead this week, because our pundits came up with a variety of issues to harangue you with. Ben Shapiro Ben waxes indignant because transsexuals get their own restroom. Are you a boy or a girl? Ask any 3-year-old that question, and get a straight answer. But in a society riddled with political correctness, that very simple question could be -- non-exclusive-deity forbid! -- "insensitive." And so, the first big fight of the new century has begun: Should transvestites-transgenders have the right to use whatever bathroom they choose? Ben, of course, says no -- they should use whatever one "corresponds with" their "particular set of genitalia" (he even gives a handy tip for how to find it -- "Check a few inches below your belly-button").  And they they should accept whatever abuse that may come, because "that's life!" and they're freaks. Michelle Malkin Michelle recalls a shining, glorious time known as WWII.  Back then, Hollywood stars  served in combat and made propaganda films.  But now, movie stars don't join the Army (unlike Michelle, who served in Afghanistan, Desert Storm, and Nam), and even worse, they won't vilify Arabs!   The movies depicted good and evil in stark terms. And there was no politically correct revisionism about who our enemies were.  By contrast, even tough-guy Arnold Schwarzenegger failed to stand up to Hollywood mushies who were afraid to depict Arab terrorists in his post-Sept. 11 movie, "Collateral Damage." Instead of encouraging Americans to confront the true face and nature of the Islamist threat, Schwarzenegger and his producers turned the Arab terrorists into Colombian terrorists so no one would complain about "racial profiling." To quote Homer Simpson, "Michelle, don't you ever get tired of being wrong?"  For, as everyone knows, Collateral Damage was made months before 9/11; it was scheduled to be released in October 2001, but was understandably postponed.  As Roger Ebert said, "You may not want to attend 'Collateral Damage' because of 9/11, but it hardly seems fair to attack it for not knowing then what we all know now."  But Michelle has never aspired to fairness.  I imagine that she will use her next column to denounce the makers of To Kill a Mockingbird for being unpatriotic, since the bad guys in it weren't swarthy OR Muslim. Brent Bozell Brent is apoplectic with ennui because Bill Clinton wrote a really, really boring book that will sell millions of copies. So Bill Clinton has written a 957-page book about his life. It appears to be the literary equivalent of the movie "Airplane!" in which the main character, Ted Striker, kept trying to bore captive passengers with his life story, as they all killed themselves rather than listen to him drone on and on and on. Brent, do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked, in the head, by an iron boot? Of course you don't -- no one does -- that never happens. And don't call him Shirley! Jonah Goldberg Jonah analyzes the "Were We Wrong?" issue of New Republic. He concedes that yeah, the Iraq war did get screwed up, but advises the "veritable Wobble-palooza" of pro-war liberals that it couldn't have gone any better than it did, because ... well, it just couldn't have, okay? Removing Saddam has had unforeseeable bad consequences, as well as some foreseeable ones. But it seems to me that liberals who now think we shouldn't have done it, solely because we didn't do it "just right," are falling prey to their own historic pie-in-the-skyism. There is no "just right" way to do things like this. If there were, we would have toppled Saddam with nerf bats. Of course, Jonah doesn't say if there was a "just wrong" way to do things like this. Thomas Sowell Thomas suggests that this summer is the perfect time to force the kiddies to read books about economics, race, and other kid-friendly subjects.  And, in a happy coincidence, Thomas just happens to have written some! Parents who are worried because their children are receiving a steady diet of politically correct propaganda in the schools and colleges often ask for suggestions of things they should get for their children to read, in hopes of de-programming them. [...] For a history of American ethnic groups in general, there is my own "Ethnic America." I cannot be unbiased about it, of course, but the fact that it has been translated into six other languages suggests that other people liked it too. [...] The current issue of the "Cato Journal" strongly recommends "two remarkable books" on economics as a way for voters to understand economic issues in this election year. The books are "Basic Economics" and "Applied Economics." The former takes the reader "on an exhilarating tour" of economics, it says, and the latter is characterized by "cogent reasoning." I could not use such glowing terms myself, since I am the author of both books. Happy de-programming this summer.   Hey, what kid wouldn't love to spend his vacation reading the entire Sowell collection?  And while Thomas is too modest to mention it himself, he is also the author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Selling Your Organs.  The fact that several copies were sold to China's prison department suggests that other people like it too. Dr. Mike Adams, Professor Mike, apparently in dire need of cash, churns out his third column of the week.  This one consists almost entirely of something he found on the Internet.  His point?  That online plagiarism is a quick and easy way to deal with writing assignments, and students should give it a try. So, naturally, I did what any rational person would do under the circumstances and started searching the local university websites to learn more about campus gay activism. Dennis Prager The world hates Americans for the same reason that it hates Jews: because Dennis belongs to both groups. There are many ways to philosophically divide Americans. Liberal-conservative and religious-secular are two obvious ways. But there is another, no less significant, division: Those who are ashamed of America for being hated and those who wear this hatred as a badge of honor.  Another way to divide Americans: people who have their heads up their asses, and people who don't. Either America is evil and hatred of it is merited, or America is a decent country and the haters are evil. The correct explanation is so obvious that only one who already hates America or who is simply morally confused would choose the first. You can use the same syllogism to explain why many kids hate vegetables: either green beans are evil, or children are. William F. Buckley Some people don't like George Bush -- Buckley had an intern do a Google search, and it's apparently true.  A broad search of anti-Bush Web sites suggests the scope of festering animosity toward Bush. We have, e.g., BartCop, described by a compendium of Web sites as "Dedicated to hammering Bush and right-wing hypocrisy, featuring cartoons, daily news update." The Smirking Chimp gives "news, rants, activism and other things anti-Bush," while the utilitarian Wage Slave Journal gives the George W. Bush Scorecard of Evil. BushAndCheneySuck.com is modestly "dedicated to licking Bush in 2000 and beyond."   Walter E. Williams We should nuke the Moslems now, before they Goth and Vandal us. The Muslim world is at war with Western civilization. We have the military might to thwart them. The question is: Do we have the intelligence to recognize the attack and the will to defend ourselves from annihilation? [...] The sooner we recognize the West is in a war for survival, the more likely we'll be able to escape the fate that befell the Roman Empire.   Emily the Intern It is with great delight that we present a major new wingnut talent: Townhall summer intern Emily Shaheen.  She has written a brilliant column about the profound and beautiful lessons taught by Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.  Here are some highlights: White Goodman (Ben Stiller) is the founder and owner of Globo Gym, frequented by the professional athlete and all around beautiful person.  Peter La Fleur (Vince Vaughn) is the laid-back lackadaisical owner of Average Joe's Gym, which caters to the misfits of the community.  Debt problems force La Fleur to come up with $50,000 to prevent Goodman from turning Average Joe's into a parking lot.  This leaves his gang of misfits searching for a way to raise the money.  They find it in an "Obscure Sports Quarterly" ad for The National Dodgeball Championships, which offers a grand prize of $50,000. The Championships have no prizes for second, third, or fourth places.  This is very different from the feel-good sports of today, including the Olympics, which give almost everyone a prize.  Why should a 16th place finisher receive a ribbon?  They have not achieved the goal of being the best.  Liberals espouse this same ideology in society.  They want all winners and no losers, but this is not real life. In real life, and in sports, the losers go home with shame.  Emily claims that liberals are outraged that "Bill Gates makes more money than Joe Schmo."  See, in real life, Bill is a winner.  Everybody else is a loser.  They should go home in shame -- and not get any insurance or retirement benefits.  Liberals want everyone to be winners, but if everyone is a winner then there is no excellence.  There's no motivation to become better if nobody is in front to beat.  Failure creates motivation, motivation inspires work, and work leads to victory. Emily, honey, you're a loser and a failure -- even Ben Shapiro and Mike Adams did better than you did.  I hope this motivates you to work harder so you won't suck so bad next time.  3:41:56 AM