May 25, 2004 by s.z.

Family Circus Knows All! Inspired by Tbogg's revelation that the Gurdon family was the inspiration for "Family Circus," and by the excellent Punchline entitled "Family Circus of Freaks: Deciphering the Most Unfunny Comic in the History of Unfunny Comics" that Tom pointed us to, we came up with a new daily Wo'C feature: "The Family Circus Prediction of the Day." First, some background.  Like Punchline points out, Family Circus is never funny.   It's never insightful.  It's just faux hearwarming and kind of creepy.  And yet, it's featured in most newspapers in the country? Why should this be?  Well, think about it: what also is featured in most newspapers, usually in the same section as Family Circus?  Yes, the horoscopes.  So, it's my theory that Family Circus is actually a fortune-telling device, like runes, tarot cards, or I Ching.  (The proof of my theory is that the Family Circus characters are no more realized or well-rounded than the images on a deck of cards).  We'll get into what each character symbolizes later, after we've thought of it.  But anyway, once one has identified the purpose of Family Circus, the trick is to properly interpret what each day's panel means.  That's where I come in.   First, examine today's cartoon (If you don't have your daily paper handy, go here).  As you will see, the drawing shows Daddy reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea to Dolly.  Her mouth is open, indicating that she is the one speaking the caption, which is: "Twenty thousand leaks under the sea? Wow! How many plumbers did they need?" So, what does it mean?  Clearly, it's not just trying to amuse us by showing how a child might confuse "leagues" with "leaks" (because even a moronic five-year-old would realize that if the leaks are under the sea, you wouldn't need a plumber). No, it must be code.  Let's decypher it. What do we think of when when think of "leaks" and "plumbers"?  Watergate!  And who did the Watergate Scandal bring down?  Well, lots of people, but most importantly, President Richard Nixon. Going back to the cartoon, who delivers the line?  Dolly.  And what famous leak is currently being investigated by the DOJ? That of CIA NOC Valerie Plame, of course.   (Dolly.  Valerie.  They sorta sound the same.) So, today's cartoon predicts that an announcment will be made regarding the Plame investigation by the end of the week -- and that it will ultimately put an end to President George Bush's re-election hopes.  I don't think oracle Bill Keane could have made it any clearer. 7:02:16 AM

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ABC Says No To 'Jessica'; Tucker Goes it Alone Per the NY Times: LOS ANGELES, May 23 — Six months ago ABC announced with some hoopla that it had signed a deal with the pop star Jessica Simpson for a new series that would showcase her talents and be, the network hoped, a comedy anchor for its fall schedule. ...The series was developed around Ms. Simpson's flaky persona and cast her as Jessica Sampson, a pop star who becomes a prime-time television newsmagazine interviewer aspiring to the level of Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer. Ms. Simpson's fictional counterpart tangles with her tough producer but wins the hearts of audiences as she questions athletes, musicians, movie stars and politicians, some of whom play themselves. Hey, we thought of that plotline first!  (Well, I just got the announcement of Jessica's TV show mixed together with Tucker Carslon's, and  Ivan and poetisa did all the real work of thinking up plots and giving Jessica guests to talk to -- someday when I'm not tired I'll link to all their efforts).  Our series was called "I Love Jessica."  The ABC pilot was just called "Jessica," which is probably why nobody liked it. ABC executives and others connected to the show, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that the pilot may have had a good concept, but it was poorly executed. But last week ABC's new entertainment chief, Stephen McPherson, on the job for less than a month at a network roiled by turbulence in recent years, unveiled a fall lineup to advertisers in New York that included only two new sitcoms. And Ms. Simpson's show, tentatively called "Jessica," was not one of them. They should have hired Ivan, poetisa, and me to write their pilot.  Anyway, it seems that Jessica's show isn't the only one that didn't get bought: (Other comedies starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and John Stamos also failed to make the grade at ABC.) I believe that a new TV series starring John Stamos was one of the signs of the Apocalypse, so we're lucky ABC turned it down.  A comedy starring both Stamos and Love Hewitt would by itself open the gates of hell. But in other news, Tucker's show "Unfiltered," is still scheduled to debut next month on PBS: Topics for the program will not be limited to politics. Anything that touches Americans and how they live their lives — from the poignant to the absurd — will be fair game for Carlson and his colleagues around the table. Hey, Jessica touches Americans (but only, you know, platonically -- she's not like that slutty Britney Spears), so maybe Tucker can invite her on his show.  I'll get Ivan and Poetisa working on some sample dialogue. Here's more about Tucker and his vision: At a time when American society is driven by partisanship and prevailing opinions on the issues of the day often parrot party lines, original thinkers are a refreshing surprise - they add something new to public discourse as the defy expectations and upend conventional wisdom. Tucker Carlson is an original thinker. A annoying prat, sure, but at least he's original. Journalist, author, college instructor, public speaker, television commentator [fashionista,  nuclear scientist, dog owner, demigod], and now host and managing editor of his own series on PBS, the 34-year old Carlson has experienced a meteoric rise as an observer of American politics and society. Carlson is the focal point of "Tucker Carlson: Unfiltered," debuting on PBS Friday, June 18.  [...] Despite Carlson's passion for travel, he loves home. "Of the many great things about Washington - the cherry blossoms, the fact that people don't honk, the overall loveliness of the city - the greatest thing is that Washington is filled with the most interesting, most accomplished people. It's as if the smartest people from every little town in America moved here." Plus, as we learned from "Washingtonienne," it's home to millions of slutty girls. Tucker Carlson among them. Hey, his publicist said it, not me! 6:19:00 AM

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More About the Naughty D.C. Blogger The Wash Post had a little chat with Wonkette-discovery "Washingtonienne" (who, it seems, was fired by Mike Dewine for "unacceptable use of Senate computers" and "charging Bush appointees for sex instead of doing it for the good of the Party").  First off, her name is Jessica Cutler. She's 24, holds a bachelor's degree in international relations from Syracuse University, once aspired to be a journalist and says she is not ashamed in the least of her behavior. "Everything is true," Cutler told us in an interview. "It's so cliched. It's like, 'There's a slutty girl on the Hill?' There's millions of 'em," she said, laughing. "A lot of my friends are way worse than me." So, guys, if you're looking for slutty girls, now you know where they hang out. A former intern in Sen. Joe Lieberman's office [Aha!  Now we now where slutty girls get their first jobs], Cutler said she had worked in DeWine's office since late February, routing mail and occasionally taking constituent calls. She started her blog May 10, posting such musings as: "Most of my living expenses are thankfully subsidized by a few generous older gentlemen. I'm sure I am not the only one who makes money on the side this way: How can anybody live on $25K/year??" She seemed blase about having six regular partners, telling us: "You know, there's seven days a week." One diary entry described a "married man who pays me for sex" as "chief of staff at one of the gov agencies, appointed by Bush." That man, she claimed, paid her $400 on Tuesday for sex, but she declined to provide his name to The Post, saying, "I'm not trying to ruin his life." (On her blog she identified all the men by initials.) Mr. Married Bush Appointee's initial was reportedly "F."  So, my guess is that he's Doug Feith.  (Okay, maybe she lied about him being a chief of staff.) Slim and 5 feet 2, she primped herself for photos ("I have good cheekbones. . . . I have good teeth") and said she would probably move to New York to find work because of her notoriety in Washington. She's setting her sights on the book publishing industry: "They'll totally hire me if I say I got fired from my job on the Hill because of a sex scandal." You know, I would also like a job in the book publishing industry (a job as an author).  And now that you mention it, I too got fired from my job because of a sex scandal.  Yup, that's what happened, pretty much.  Oh, and I have good teeth. 5:11:01 AM

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O'Reilly Rants Against Stuff On Sunday, Bill O'Reilly, "cable news personailty" and noted crank addressed the Economic Club of Southwestern Michigan.  The Herald-Palladium (what a great name for a paper!) reports: Bill O'Reilly, host of Fox News' "The O'Reilly Factor," told the Economic Club of Southwestern Michigan that America is at a secular-traditional cultural dichotomy. It was brought on by gay marriage, legalized medical marijuana and what billionaire liberal George Soros terms "an open society." This "dichotomy" was brought on by gay marriage, medical marijuana, and George Soros's vision of society?  The secessionist evangelicals only blame gay marriage -- so, apparently Bill is crazier than they are. To explain his own stance, O'Reilly told the crowd at Lake Michigan College's Mendel Center an anecdote from his past. As a teenager, he had been a fan of the popular rock band The Doors. Attending one of their concerts, he said he saw standing in front of him a family of four: a mother, father, and two young boys about 10 to 12 years old. Standing in front of them was a man smoking marijuana, and the smoke was drifting into the faces of the family. The mother tapped the man on the shoulder and asked him to put out the joint, but the man refused, uttering an obscenity. O'Reilly - there with a friend, "the Bear, who looked like a biker" - then tapped the man on the shoulder and told him, "you're gonna put it out, or you're gonna swallow it." Amidst laughter and applause from the crowd, O'Reilly squinted his blue eyes and said, "That guy did nothing (without the threat of physical force), because he lived in an 'open society.'" Bill IS a great squinter, it's true. In an open society, O'Reilly said, individuals are allowed to do whatever they feel like doing, without fear of being judged by others. "I don't want these guys," he said. "I don't want quasi-socialism. I don't want to break down structure so these hooligans can do what they want to do when they want to do it." I love these glimpses into Bill's true-life past (He liked The Doors? He was once a teenager?), but I have a few questions about Bill's story.  First, isn't Bill the guy who believes his mission is to protect kids from stuff like rap music and Janet Jackson's breast -- why isn't he railing on the irresponsible parents who would expose their kids to an environment where people would blow marijuana smoke on them?  (I may be wrong, but I don't think a concert by The Doors was considered family friendly, even in the '60s.)  Second, haven't there always been jerks who don't fear society's judgements and only reign in their behavior under threats of some sort?  And third, since when is quasi-socialism "Do whatever you feel like doing" -- I always thought it was, "Sorta share the means of production, and do whatever is in the best interests of the state, more or less."  Among the other "hooligans" he named were the American Civil Liberties Union and Planned Parenthood. Because they too blow marijuana smoke in kids' faces -- unless you punch them out. He also decried contemporary public education, saying that instead of teaching children civics, American government and U.S. history, "It's teaching them about gay marriage, and how great it is." You know, I was looking at my niece's and nephew's class schedules, and it's true: the schools have replaced 10th grade U.S. History with "Gay Marriage and How Great it Is," and done away with 5th grade social studies to make room for "Buggery is Fun!" lessons. Per the H-P, Bill then launched in to a discussion about the Iraq war. "We cannot baby-sit (the Iraqis)," he said to the applauding crowd. "Give them a chance, give them stability, but we should get out of there as soon as we can get the heck out of there." He explained his position, saying, "The majority of the Iraqi people do not appreciate what we've done for them." For that reason, O'Reilly said the U.S. military should ship out and not let another soldier die for that ungrateful nation. Yeah!  We're gonna take out our troops and go invade a nation that will appreciate us! He concluded the speech with a warning to the audience about the upcoming presidential election. "This terror threat's not going to go away," he said. "Figure out who Osama (bin Laden) wants elected, and vote for the other guy. I figured it out, and it's Ralph (Nader)" that bin Laden wants elected. Nader doesn't have any answers for public security issues, he said. Oooh, we notice that Bill isn't endorsing Bush.  It's a bad sign, Bush-Cheney 2004, when you can't even keep the Bill O'Reillys on your side. 4:35:13 AM

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Oopsie 2 Re: the Mayfield case -- It seems that contrary to what "One law-enforcement official told NEWSWEEK," the Bureau really isn't still confident of its initial analysis. From the Seattle Times: A federal judge yesterday cleared Portland attorney Brandon Mayfield of ties to the Madrid train bombings after the FBI made the stunning admission that it erred when analyzing a copy of fingerprints. [...] Court records released yesterday sketch the outlines of the investigative effort that led to Mayfield's May 6 arrest and two-week detention in the Multnomah County Jail. According to documents, Mayfield's prints were among the best 15 matches found by the FBI fingerprint computer, which holds the prints of some 45 million persons. Those matches were then compared by FBI examiners to the digital image of a partial print sent by Spanish authorities, who concluded the print was a "100 percent identification" with Mayfield. Once the FBI made its erroneous match, it then built up a case against Mayfield based, in part, on his legal work and associations in the Muslim community, records show. The FBI has apologized to Mayfield and his family; we'll see if Little Green Footballs ("But if you really want the full scoop on Mayfield and his pernicious activities, the LGF lizardoids have unearthed a treasure trove of information in this topic") does likewise.  [No link, because we don't want to reward evil with hits.] 3:24:43 AM