The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

May 27, 2004 by s.z.


The Amazing Family Circus of Doom!


Today's Comic (go here to see it in color):

Mommy is the desk, writing a note.  It's hard to make out the writing, but I think it says "Dear Daddy, I am sorry to have to do this, but I can't pretend any longer.  You see, Blondie and I are in love and we . . . ." 
Mommy is missing half of her face, but she looks pretty heavily medicated -- you know, like Laura Bush on one of her good days.

Jeffie is standing on a chair, pointing at Mommy's note.  Mommy looks like she's going to stab him with her pen.  Jeffie's  mouth is wide open, so I guess he's our speaker for today.

Caption: "How old do you hafta be to write with all the letters hooked together?"

The Meaning:

"Writing with the letters hooked together" is called cursive writing.

A quick check of Google News reveals this headline:
Alarm at drugs curse gripping women's jail
Glasgow Evening Times, UK - 52 minutes ago
ALMOST every inmate at Scotland's only women's jail is battling drug or alcohol addiction, a shock report revealed today. The report ... 
So, my interpretation is that Jeffy is asking Mommy when he will be old enough to use drugs and alcohol, like she does.  Mommy is reacting by threatening to kill Jeffy if he tells anyone about her "problem."

Jeffy, the middle, often overlooked Family Circus child, represents society's laws and values.  Mommy represents Rush Limbaugh -- a woman trapped in a man's body who tries to ease his inner torment with drugs. 

Keane is saying that sometime in the near future, the Palm Beach authorities will call Rush in for questioning about those money laundering and doctor shopping charges -- and Rush will threaten to have them whacked.

Well, that's one idea.  You probably have a better one.

8:12:51 AM    
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Ask S.Z.


I was sorry to learn (via his blog, The Dark Window) that our friend Pete got shot down when he applied to a most holy dating site run by followers of the Holiness Church (you can read the story here andhere).  Sadly, Seb of Sadly, No! was also turned down, based on the application Pete sent him for him. 

And since I feel a maternal (or fraternal, or sorority-like or something) affection for these young men, I thought I'd give them some dating advice.  Or rather, I thought I'd find some for them online.  You know, so they won't keep getting rejected this way (which is especially troublesome in Seb's case, since he has a wife).  
My search led me to "Ask Susie."  Susie is a kind of genderless "Dear Abby" who answers questions for people like Pete and Seb at Brio Magazine, Focus on the Family's mag for teen girls (this week's feature article: "God is Cool!")

But I know that Pete and Seb are busy men, so I have compiled some of the questions readers sent in to Susie, and then summarized her responses.  Anything to help my fellow bloggers.
Dear Susie:Will non-Christians really go to hell, or am I worrying for nothing?
Saddened
Dear Saddened: In wisdom and love, God has arranged for the non-Christians to fry in hell for all eternity.  Instead of worrying, you could be rejoicing that you're not going to be joining them.
Dear Susie:
I believe in God. I read on the Brio Web site that a girl was wondering what college to attend. She was confused and was going to start praying about it. But God gave us free will! I honestly doubt He cares which college she attends as long as she’s happy and not endangering herself or others.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,God expects us to bug him constantly with our questions on how to do every little thing.  Of course He doesn't really care which college this girl attends, but he wants her to ask Him anyway, just to keep her humble.

But let's get back to you.  You begin your letter with “I believe in God,” yet you sound like a sinner to me.  Believing isn't enough, little missy -- "Even Satan believes in God!"  You better start praying for forgiveness before you join the non-Christians in hell.


Dear Susie:A friend of mine recently died, and I’m wondering if he can hear me when I talk to him. 
Curious
Dear Curious:
He can't.  He's either in hell, where they can't take personal phone calls, or he's in heaven, where he has better things to do than hang around listening to a twit like you.   
Dear Susie:
I read books that have sex in them (Harlequin Romances, etc.). Is it really wrong to read these books?
Curious
Dear Curious:Yes.  Yes, it is.  Harlequin romances can give you unrealistic ideas about sex, like that's its supposed to be pleasurable and not just for creating babies.  And then you might be tempted to hold hands out of wedlock.  
If you want to read, read the Bible.
 
Dear Susie:
I like most of my personality, but I’m struggling in one area—I’m too serious. I love Christ, and He has given me true joy, but I struggle with not being very cheerful. Some of my friends have told me I take things way too seriously, and one even told me that she’d like me better if I were more cheerful. I'm also a pessimist.  Can you help?
Enough Is Enough
Dear EIE:
Hey, it would be nice if we could all be happy and cheerful all the time, but we can't.  Life is a vale of tears, and then we die. "If everyone just laughed and had fun all the time, we’d never get anything accomplished!"  So, be glad that you're naturally dour -- the church needs more like you.

Dear Susie: I’ve wanted a boyfriend for three years, but I’ve never had one. Is it wrong to want a boyfriend this badly? I’ve talked to my friends about it, and they think it’s wrong for me to feel so desperate. Please help me.
Confused
Dear Confused: You sound creepy and obsessive -- so stop thinking about a boyfriend, because no guy is going to ever want to go out with you.  Go memorize the Bible instead. 

Dear Susie:
I’ve read in Christian books that lust is looking at a man or woman to whom you’re not married and immorally fantasizing about that person. I was just wondering if daydreaming about my wedding night is considered lust. When I think about my wedding night, I never picture a specific guy, but I’m wondering if I’m committing lust in my heart. If I am, I’ll definitely pray and ask God to help me stop. I want to please Him in everything I do.
Cautious
Dear Cautious: It's okay, as long as you daydream the wedding ceremony first. 


Dear Susie:
I’ve always had high standards. I waited and chose my boyfriend very carefully. I also wanted to have a completely pure relationship. Recently though, I think I may have gone too far. My boyfriend and I were standing up, and he gave me a long kiss. I think I got more pleasure out of it than God would have wanted me to, and now I feel guilty. As soon as I got home, I prayed about it. I don’t want this to happen again. How can I know the difference between just kissing and too much? Please help.
Guilty
Dear Guilty: "Every time you kiss someone, you give a piece of yourself away."  Like your liver or a kidney.  So, you'd better go easy on the kisses before you have no internal organs left.  "Let God help you with that decision. He cares even more about your kisses than you do!"
Oh, and if your boyfriend isn't a Christian, he is probably just using you for kissing, and you should dump him now, before he brings you down to his level: the gutter.
Dear Susie:
I’m only 16, but I think I know who I’m going to marry. I’ve had a crush on him for more than a year, and I believe God gave me a dream about marrying him. The only problem is . . . I don’t know him. He’s a singer, and I’ve only seen his face and heard his voice. I’m so confused! I don’t know what I should do — or if I should do anything at all. He’s never seen me and doesn't even know I exist, but I’ve never liked a guy this much. Every time I hear his name I get this weird smile on my face and I giggle. I never giggle! What’s going on?
Crazy in Love
Dear CIL:
Did you ever see the movie Girls Town?  As well as the main plot featuring Mamie Van Doren as a busty juvenile delinquent sent to a Catholic girls prison, there was a subplot about a crazy girl who thought that she was going to marry Paul Anka.  You sound just like her.  She solved her problem by attempting suicide, then becoming a nun.  You should try that.

Dear Susie:
My boyfriend and I have been going out for several months, and before we started dating we were best friends for more than a year. We’re both Christians and because of school-related functions, we’re often together on a bus late at night. Sometimes I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder or his arms around me. When one of my friends found out about this, she told me I had sinned by “sleeping with a man.” Did I really do something wrong?
Confused
 Dear Confused: Yes, you did.  Sleeping with a man can lead to pregnancy.

Dear Susie:
I have a guy friend whom I really like. I’ve known him about four years. We’ve started holding hands, but he won’t tell me if he likes me or not. He knows I like him. I get really frustrated, because he keeps sending mixed signals. I want to do God’s will, and I’ve tried to talk with my crush about us, but he ignores me. What should I do?
Confused
Dear Confused:
It sounds like this boy is just using you for hand-holding.  "Stop holding hands. That will either cause him to step up to the plate and declare his feelings, or he’ll move on."
And that concludes today's advice session.  I hope it helped.

7:21:56 AM

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