May 8, 2004 by s.z.

Playing Twenty (Or Less) Questions With Bill O'Reilly In this week's column, Fifteen Questions, Bill O'Reilly asks his readers to be Junior O'Reillys and hound people who won't be on his show: Since many of the powerful, famous and rich in America have perfected the technique of spin and run, I am enlisting you, the reader, to please ask these people the following questions if you happen to see them at Wal-Mart or something. Bill, if I happen to encounter these people I will ask them your questions -- if I can ask you some questions in return.  Deal? *To President Bush: Since CIA chief George Tenet presided over the bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade, the failure to stop 9/11, the failure to find Iraqi WMD's and finally the gross underestimating of post-war problems in Iraq, why does Tenet still hold his job? Bill, since President Bush presided over the failure to stop 9/11, the claim that there were Iraqi WMD's, and the gross underestimating of post-war problems in Iraq, why does he still hold his job? *To Donald Rumsfeld: Why did you not inform your boss, the President, the moment you found out about the Iraqi torture allegations? Not a bad question.  And mine to Bill is: Why did you not get back to William Lawson when he wanted to tell you about the Iraqi torture allegations?  (Per the NY Times, Lawson said he tried to tell Bill the story before he went to David Hackworth, who helped him get in touch with "60 Minutes.")  Were you too busy doing stories about rap music to have time to look into allegations of the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners? *To Dan Rather: Did you believe that anti-American forces would use the torture pictures you aired to promote violence against America? Because that's what many of them are doing. To Bill O'Reilly: Did you believe that bringing Ted Rall on your show so you could needle him would lead nitwits to make death threats against him?  Because that's what many of them did. *To Howard Stern: No question you're a smart, funny guy who could get high ratings without all the gross out stuff. You just turned 50-years-old and you're a gazillionaire. Is it time to modify your on-air approach? Bill, no question you're a guy (as far as I know).  A guy who gets high ratings.  You've turned 70-years-old and you're a gazillionaire.  Is it time to stop promoting Those Who Trespass ("Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch") on every other show?  *To Hillary Clinton: You campaign on the promise that you would improve things for upstate New Yorkers. Yet in many places like Buffalo and Syracuse, things are worse. Do you feel any remorse? Bill, you promise to be looking out for people, but in many places, things are worse.  Do YOU feel any remorse?  *To Bill Clinton: According to Vanity Fair Magazine, you do not want John Edwards to be chosen as Kerry's running mate. Why do you feel this way, and will you come on the Factor to promote your new book? Bill, you seem to think you already know why Clinton doesn't want John Edwards to be Kerry's running mate -- here's a snippet from last week's interview with Dick Morris where you helped him to flog his new book about Hillary Clinton, your archrival (in the book sales department): O'REILLY: Well, why does she [Hillary] want to be vice president, why would she want that job? MORRIS: Because somebody is going to have it. If the job were repealed, she'd be fine. But somebody is going to be Kerry's vice president if he wins, and if it is not Hillary, that person is going to be the Democratic candidate in 2012. O'REILLY: All right. That makes sense. And that is why they don't want Senator -- I'm fogging out, from North Carolina. I can't believe I can't remember. MORRIS: Edwards. O'REILLY: Edwards. So, if you already think that Bill doesn't want Senator What's His Name to be Kerry's vice president pick so Hillary can have the job, why are you bugging me to ask him about it?   As to whether Bill Clinton will come on your show and flog his new book, I suspect the answer is, "When hell freezes over and/or your show gets those two Peabody Awards."  But if I see Bill in Wal-Mart, I'll ask him that for you. *To Howard Dean: Do you believe Bill Clinton and DNC chief Terry McAuliffe sabotaged your campaign? Bill, do you believe that the media, including you, had any part in helping to sabotage Dean's campaign?  Do you feel any guilt about making "the Dean scream" emblematic of Dean as a candidate? *To Frank Rich: As a columnist for The New York Times you put forth that Mel Gibson's film about Jesus was likely to cause anti-Jewish sentiment. Not one incident of that has been reported. In light of that, do you feel silly? Well, I don't know of any group which monitors incidents of sentiment, but maybe this report of a Pew poll comes close: The percentage of Americans who say Jews were responsible for Christ's death is rising, particularly among blacks and young people, according to a nationwide poll taken since the release of Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ." The poll released yesterday by the Pew Research Center in Washington is the first statistical evidence that the movie's box-office success may be associated with an increase in anti-Jewish feeling, although social scientists cautioned that cause and effect are not clear. So, Bill, in that light, do you feel silly?  *To Michael Jackson: Do you feel silly? Bill, you're a grown man who talked about wanting to "shoot between the head" somebody who called you on some of your misstatements.  Do you feel silly? Just asking. Likewise.  Anyway, Bill actually did come up with fifteen questions, but I gave up after, what are we up to, nine.  So, if you have any questions you want me to ask Bill when I run into him at K-Mart, or the Long Island Yacht Club, please post them. 11:53:58 PM

Another Yee? Maybe it's too soon to second guess the authorities, but it's starting to look like there are some fundemental problems with the case against Brandon Mayfield, the American Muslim being held as a material witness in connection with the Madrid bombings. The only evidence against him is reportedly one finger print -- which may or may not be his.  Here's part of the NY Times story: Spanish officials said on Friday that American investigators had apparently matched Mr. Mayfield's fingerprints to a single print on a plastic bag recovered from a stolen van used by the bombers. The bag, which held seven copper detonators like those used on the train bombs, was found at a suburban Madrid train station hours after the bombings. [...] Though a Spanish police report described the forensic evidence as a match, the official said, F.B.I. officials had raised some questions. However, today we learn from the A.P.: The newspaper El Pais reported Saturday that Spanish investigators have serious doubts about whether the fingerprint found on a plastic bag tied to March 11 explosions on commuter trains is that of Portland-area lawyer Brandon Mayfield. The report said Spanish forensics experts found only eight points of similarity between the print and the one of Mayfield held in U.S. files because of his status as a former member of the Army. The FBI said it found 15 such points, El Pais said. So, there certainly seems to be some doubt about just how good a fingerprint match it is -- and even if it does turn out to be Mayfield's print, nobody knows what connection it might indicate between Mayfield and the bombings. As mentioned before, family and friends say that Mayfield has never traveled to Spain, and hasn't left the country for ten years.  Local TV station KATU News provided some background on Mayfield: he converted to Islam after marrying his wife, an Egyptian-born Muslim born who immigrated to Washington as a child.  Unlike some converts, Mayfield doesn't seem to have been fanatical about his new religion ("He was on the less religious side if anything," said his mosque's administrator).  His always-mentioned connection with Jeffrey Battle is that Mayfield, who took low-income immigration and family law clients, represented Battle in a custody case.  "Law enforcement officials in Washington said they were not aware of any other contacts" (other than the custody case) between Mayfield and the members of Battle's group. Mayfield's wife said, "They found only a part of one fingerprint. It could be anybody. He was in the Army and they're just trying to fit a certain profile," she said. And she may be right.  The FBI says they were forced to arrest Mayfield before they actually had a case against him because they feared that their information was leaking to the media, and that Mayfield might learn of their interest in him and "become a fugative." The leaks, the officials said, left prosecutors little choice but to hold Mr. Mayfield as a material witness, which gives investigators more time to assemble a clearer sense of any role he may have played. But they will have to provide evidence to a judge to continue to hold him. Yeah, the prosecutors had little choice -- especially when a distraction from the Abu Ghraib atrocities was so badly needed.  Certainly the Madrid bombings are a big deal and deserve an energetic investigation, but what if a guy is taken into custody for an indeterminate time, his life is torn apart, his reputation ruined, all because of a fingerprint that turns out not to be his?  Is one of those government non-apologies going to cut it? 6:10:45 PM

Today's NewsMax Spam FYI: if you ever complete a NewsMax poll (hey, they told me that Mel Gibson needed my opinion), you'll get spam for the rest of your life.  But at least today's is not for a President Reagan bathmat or a book about how Hillary Clinton killed Brit Hume's son.  No, this time it's good, old-fashioned, fundraising spam (which means that NewsMax rents out its subscriber information).  So, with no further ado, here's "Black Conservative Needs Your Help" (all emphesis in in the original).  Dear NewsMax Reader: Please read the important message below.  Congressman Tom Tancredo has found the ally he needs to advance the cause of immigration reform -- and the ally is an articulate black conservative.  What an opportunity! An articulate black conservative?  Why, those things are as rare as hen's teeth -- what a rare and precious find!  So let's read that important message from Tom Tancredo: Dear Fellow Conservative: Right now you and I have a wonderful opportunity to advance a cause we both believe in - stemming the tide of illegal immigration into this country, and returning our national immigration policy to some semblance of sanity. How can we do this? By helping a man named Vernon Robinson get elected to the Congress. Vernon Robinson is a very conservative black City Councilman from Winston-Salem, North Carolina. [...] Think about it - if the only black Republican in Congress is an insistent supporter of immigration reform, it will become impossible for the Congressional leadership and the White House to keep putting the issue on the back burner. This is the opportunity we've been waiting for! You mean we are going to exploit this man's race for political advantage?  That hardly seems right, Tom -- are you back on the sauce or something? Thanks for your time, and have a very merry Christmas! Tom, honey, it's May  Maybe you should forget about the scary illegal aliens for a while and get some help for those blackouts.  While you're doing that, we'll listen to Vernon: Dear Fellow American: As Congressman Tom Tancredo mentioned in his introductory note, my name is Vernon Robinson, and I am a conservative black City Councilman in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, currently serving my second term. I am also a Republican candidate for Congress in North Carolina's 5th District - an open seat. [...] But before I share my thoughts on the immigration problem, it's only fair that I let you know what my general approach to governing is. I have a good, old-fashioned, value system for which I do not apologize, and I believe that applying that Judeo-Christian viewpoint to the political issues of the day can solve many of our greatest problems. This means that all the usual left-wing special interests despise me, as you might imagine, and I couldn't care less. I didn't get elected by the liberal media, or the peaceniks, or the atheists, or the lesbian feminists, or the Hollywood whiners, or the ACLU and the trial lawyers, or the illegal aliens, or the racial agitators like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, and I'm not out to try to please them. Well, you sound like my kind of guy, Vernon: a wingnut.  But it gets even better ... You're probably thinking, "That sounds a lot like Tom Tancredo," and that's a comparison I would welcome But the comparison of which I am most proud came from my local liberal newspaper, which recently wrote: "Jesse Helms is Back! And this time, he's BLACK!" They, of course, intended that as an insult, but I wear it as a badge of honor. Jesse Helms, back from the grave -- and black!  That does sound like a Republican dream come true. Once you've read the rest of this letter I hope you'll consider making your most generous contribution to the campaign. The stakes are high. There are at least two millionaires who could very well beat me unless I raise the two million dollars the experts say it is going to take to win this race. One of them, a state senator, is a self-avowed "feminist" who got her introduction into politics by lobbying in support of Teddy Kennedy's radical, so-called, "Equal Rights Amendment." The brazen hussy!  I'm sure the fine people of North Carolina will see through her lesbian Hollywood liberal talk of "Equal Rights," and they will vote for a man, like God intended them to.  Oh, wait, she's already a state senator -- nevermind.  Okay, I know absolutely nothing about North Carolina's 5th District and its numerous nefarious millionaires, but I did find a Washington Times piece about it from last month.  Here are a few entertaining bits: In the contest to succeed Republican Rep. Richard M. Burr — who is running for the Senate seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Sen. John Edwards — winning the Republican primary is tantamount to election. Nearly all the candidates are running as "Jesse Helms Republicans" because, Mr. Broyhill says, "This is a very conservative 'guns and God' district — the most Republican district in the entire South." ...In brochures and direct mail solicitations, Mr. Robinson is shown in photos with Mr. Helms, North Carolina's five-term Republican senator. But Mr. Helms, 82, is co-chairman of businessman Ed Broyhill's campaign. Considered the moderate in the field, Mr. Broyhill also is leading in the polls. Wow, a  congressional race between competing Jesse Helmses!  It sounds even scarier than the Queen Victoria race from that Monty Python ep. Mr. Robinson made headlines when he paid $2,000 from his own pocket to install a Ten Commandments monument at the Winston-Salem City Hall. Authorities hauled it away the next day and Republican candidates criticized Mr. Robinson, with Mrs. Fox expressing doubt that such "grandstanding promotes the understanding of our heritage."  So, our new friend Vernon, the black Jesse Helms, is also the black Roy Moore, which you have to admit is quite enterprising of him. Mr. Tabor [the guy backed by the home-schooling lobby] was apparently the target of a recent smear attempt when a fake e-mail from a fictitious pastor said Mr. Tabor would "be facing multiple charges in Wilkes County Criminal District Court today stemming from an incident several weeks ago."  It turns out Mr. Tabor had been pulled over by a state trooper. "I got a speeding ticket," he later explained. "I had an expired license ... an oversight."  Suspicion for the e-mail fell on the Robinson campaign, but Mr. Robinson says he had nothing to do with it. For his part, Mr. Robinson says Mr. Tabor "doesn't believe in anything except narcissism. He never voted for Helms and never voted against Clinton."  Okay, Vernon sounds like the right Jesse Helms for the job.  Let's hear just a little about his immigration ideas: Aliens routinely cross our borders for free medical care in American hospitals, to pick up American welfare checks, to smuggle drugs, to work in sweatshops, to have their babies born here (so they will be American citizens eligible for benefits), and, yes, occasionally even to plot and carry out terrorist attacks on our citizens. Bottom line: illegal aliens want to take away YOUR sweatshop job, and then kill you. Those who manage to survive the trek through the desert take jobs away from legal immigrants and citizens, or turn to public assistance or a life of crime -- against Americans. This is not just alarmist rhetoric. Remember the Washington, D.C. area sniper? He was here illegally, and escaped deportation only because of an INS foul-up. Nope, that's not alarmist rhetoric at all -- because if one illegal alien can become a spree killer, they all could.  Except for the ones busy plotting and carrying out those terrorist attacks. Even here in North Carolina there are so many of these illegals involved in crime that our local criminal District Court has had to hire full time interpreters - to make sure the criminals understand their right to free legal counsel, of course. They come here and commit crimes, but don't even commit to learn our language. Enough is enough! Yes, enough is indeed enough.  If I was running for congress in North Carolina, I would promise voters I'd fight to make it illegal to commit crimes until you can speak English. I'd love to know that you're standing with me on this important issue. As you know, Congressman Tancredo has taken a lot of political heat (including from some in the Republican Party leadership, unfortunately) for sounding the alarm bell on many of these immigration problems. They are able to ignore Congressman Tancredo and pout him off because there are so few Congressmen willing to stand up with him and take this kind of heat. Know this - I'll stand with Tom. Some in the Republican Party leadership "pout him off"?  I'm assuming this means that Frist et al. ignore Tancredo, and he pouts.  Frankly, this sounds like a system that works, and I'd be loath to change it. And believe me, when the only black Republican in the entire Congress keeps raising this issue in the national media, you can bet it will get some attention then. Because a black Republican, like a talking dog, is just such a novelty that it's bound to attract attention. Anyway, while I'm not going to give Vernon any money, I want to thank NewsMax for introducing him to me.  I hope he wins his raise, because if there's one thing this  country needs, it's more Jesse Helmses, and in a variety of colors.   3:21:10 AM

Fighter Chocolate, Crouching Rugrats It's Friday (sorta), the day when we sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about America's Worst Mother™ ("I heard that she makes her children use copies of Proust for a potty!"  "Well, I heard that if you look in a mirror and say her name five times, she will appear and badmouth competent mothers!"). Alas, this week TBOGG is too tired (and has deemed Meghan's output too boring) to provide us with a summary of what Meg and the progeny (Brillig, Odysseus, Epoxy, and Marmit) have been up to.  But I have much lower standards than he does, so here's a brief recap of this week's adventure, "Fighter Kings, Eating Chocolate," which is a tribute to the imaginations of children, and a celebration of how one can fill a whole column with their ideas and not get sued for plagiarism (kids being too stupid to have intellectual property rights lawyers). 1. Our adventure starts with little Epoxy announcing that she has made something for her mother in preschool.  It starts with a "huh" sound.  Meghan can't guess what it is.  At the end of the column we learn it was a heart.  Which was nice and all, Great and Powerful Epoxy, but shouldn't it have been a brain? 2.  Meghan starts dropping hints about Mother's Day being this Sunday, but the girls tune her out and start pretending to be "fighter kings."  You know, like Don King. 3. Meghan explains once again why the family takes its vacations at exotic locations like the dentist's office and the free clinic: travel is for losers.  For adults, transportation, whether cars, aircraft, trains, or buses, is a mixture of boring, dangerous, and expensive. Unless you are a yogic flyer — which reminds me, whatever happened to Dennis Kucinich? — you are, as an adult, confined to established modes for getting from A to B. But kids, of course, can travel WITH THEIR MINDS ("The girls, meanwhile, have magically floated free of the vehicle"), which makes them the perfect al Qaeda agents.  (Oh, and Dennis Kucinich is doing just fine -- he's still campaigning for the Democratic nomination, holdings rallies and fund raisers and such.  In fact, just the other I heard him ask somebody, when speaking about the need for universal health care for neglected children, "Hey, whatever happened to Meghan Cox Gurdon, America's Worst Mother?") 4.  On the weekend, Meghan and some guy she describes as "my husband" discover that the children, fed up with the decrepitude and squalor of the Gurdon house, have build their own shelter in the backyard.  It's made from plywood, old carpet, bungee cords, and the remains of "our dismantled terrorist hamper."  You know, the supplies that every American put in a hamper, in case the country was taken over by terrorists and we had to offer them a welcome basket.  As you may recall, James Lileks has vowed to never dismantle his terrorist hamper (we learned that in the column where he confesseed to having a freak-out in the camping aisle of Target).  But (as we learned from a previous episode of "Fever Swamp'), Meghan raided the supplies in her bomb shelter several months ago when she needed birthday presents for the Competent Children (they reportedly were speechless when presented with their gifts of duct tape and cyanide capsules).  And then the Gurdon kids got into the freeze-dried beets, and Meghan decided that the terrorists could provide their own damned supplies.  So, now the kids have used the cinder blocks from the underground shelter to construct their new home, and Brilling is using the short-wave radio from the terrorist hamper to send messages to the Red Cross ("Send help now.") 5.  But Meghan is dismayed at the way the children have cannibalized the house to make their own kid-exclusive condo.  After that episode at Marmit's birthday party (the oneTbogg likened to "Suddenly, Last Summer"), anything having to do with cannibalism makes Meghan uneasy.   But the guy she says is her husband couldn't care less about the "rubble."   My husband shakes his head tolerantly, and sits down with the paper. Yes, the "husband" has got a nice buzz going on from the martinis he had for breakfast, which makes him tolerant of the little dickens and the unholy eyesore they have erected in the yard.  Besides, he has that a nice, tidy apartment near work where he spends most of his time (in the company of a certain Lottie LaBazoom), and plans to torch the homestead for the insurance money one of these nights. 6.  Odysseus, still flushed with the success of the mujahadeen outfit he wore to church a couple of weeks ago, ambushes Brilling (who is still trying to beat her heroin addiction, and so is a little crabby). "Kai-Yah!" Paris yells, flying through the air in ambush. He lands at her feet wearing a bicycle helmet, two of his father's belts worn bandolier-style, and brandishing a blunderbuss made of Lego. Who is Odysseus today?  It sounds like he's Long Darth Zapata, the well-known Mexican revolutionary/space pirate. 7.  But Brillig is getting too old for these imaginary vacations that so enchant her mother, and she knees Odysseus in the groin. On the weekend, they were astronauts together; also, variously, secret agents, orphans at a workhouse, and hedgehogs. After two days at school, Molly has drifted again towards the brutal realism of older-girlhood. Yeah, I hear that playing "orphans at a workhouse" is a perennial favorite among the Gurdon Gang.  But sadly, Brillig has drifted back to her preteen girl gang, and is robbing gas stations and running numbers again. The whole thing makes Meghan sing a chorus of "Sunrise, Sunset" and shed a few tears about how quickly children grow up and learn that other kids have indoor plumbing, central heating, and parents who don't exploit them, and then they "travel on real passports, and on trains and buses" to cities far, far away, where they change their names, get therapy, and try to put their pasts behind them.  Such is the cycle of life. 1:38:57 AM