May 23, 2004 by s.z.

Imagine A World Without NRO

Mackubin Thomas Owens (whoever the hell he may be) does the begging honors:

IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT NRO [Mackubin Thomas Owens]
 

It is, of course, a great honor to have been asked to join the many luminaries who frequently write for NRO. But while I can imagine not writing for NRO, I cannot imagine not reading it.

I’m sure this is how it is with many other readers. But what we have here is a classic “free rider” problem. Just because a good is distributed for free doesn’t mean the cost of production is zero.

And just because a good has productions costs, it doesn't mean it has any value.  Isn't it a conservative article of faith that all-mighty free market will decide what stuff is worth to the consumer?

Clearly, the money to run such an important operation has to come from somewhere. Since NRO doesn’t charge a subscription, it must be subsidized by the print version of National Review or be funded by donations.

Geez, it sounds like the NRO staff are a bunch of wimpy liberals who expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter.  Why don't they get off their duffs and EARN some money.  Kathryn Jean could sell her blood.  Rich Lowry could marry wealthy older women he meets on NRO cruises and murder them for their money.  Jonah could mow lawns or get a paper route.  Kate O'Beirne could sells cup cakes door-to door.  Derb could try babysitting, or male prostitution.   

So try to imagine where you would be if NRO didn’t exist. Where would you get the timely commentaries NRO provides? Where else would you be able to read regular contributions by Victor Davis Hanson or Jed Babbin or Kate O’Beirne or the multitude of other writers that you find on NRO? And what would you do without The Corner? 
posted at 11:50 AM

So, I'm trying to imagine a world where the NRO didn't exist, and I come up with two different scenarios. I call the first one . . . 

A.  It's a Wonderful World

The National Review Online, despondant because its uncle Billy F. Buckley stupidly lost all its money gambling with Bill Bennett on the NRO Bermuda Triangle Cruise, tries to kill itself by jumping off a bridge.  It is saved by angel Roma Downy, who reminds it that it did get Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to record commercials for it, so it has accomplished something with its life.  However, the despairing NRO says it wishes it had been born.  Angel Roma checks with God, and then informs the NRO, "You've got your wish: you've never been born."

And then the NRO and angel Roma explore the NRO-less world.  They quickly learn that in this world:

• The bandwidth formerly used by the NRO is devoted to a site selling ginsu knives, herbal viagra, and T-shirts with photos of dogs on them.  So, it's not much different than it was before. 
• However, John Derbyshire, unable to find an online outlet for his rants, resorted to mimeographing them and putting them on the windshields of parked cars.  Arrested for littering, Derb conducted his own defense, during which he railed against the homosexuals for stealing his "gay," denounced buggery several times, and asked the judge how a gay couple would consumate their marriage.  He was sent to a hospital for the criminally insane. 
• Meghan Cox Gurdon, unable to spend hours locked from her kids while writing about the joys of motherhood for her Fever Swamp columns, eventually snapped sold the kids on eBay.  They went to nice homes, and Meghan used the money she got for them on a face lift.  Everybody was happy until the Competent Mother reported Meghan to the authorities.  Meghan was sentenced to five years prison, where she got beat up a lot for sniping at the other women.
• Without a job at NRO, Jonah never was able to find a way to support himself.  So, he lived at home with his mother, writing a book about the numerous conservative principles manifested in the Doc Savage novels -- however, without NRO readers to bleg from, the book was never completed.  Jonah devoted the rest of his time to running a website devoted to his Simpsons/Star Trek crossover fan fiction (his best-known work featured the love between a grownup Lisa Simpson and Captain Janeway).  He was happy.
• While in college, Rich Lowry was promised a bright future by the conservative foundations who prey on innocent Young Republicans.  However, once he got out, there was no job for him, and he ended up as a cheap, gaudily made-up floozy who turned tricks at the Dime-A-Dance hall.  He was spotted there by Roger Ailes, who liked Lowry's baby-faced good looks and gave him a job on his new TV news network.  And so was born "Colmes and Lowry."  (Lowry was frequently criticized for letting Colmes walk all over him, but he just couldn't out shout the pugnacious Colmes, so conservative ideas got short shrift on the program.) 

After seeing all this, Roma confers with hers heavenly supervisors -- they agree that the world IS a better place without the NRO.  The angel throws the NRO  back in the river, where it drowns.  The End.

B.  A Case of NRO Drive Days Fever

Kathryn Jean Lopez, humiliated at having to spend a week begging for money, wishes there was no more NRO in the world.  Suddenly, a weird little animated git with the voice of Walter Brennan and the face of William F. Buckley appears.  He says he's Nero, the NRO Sprite, and he grants Kathryn's wish. 

At first she's happy, because she no longer has to write obsequious items about how great her insipid coworkers are, or read newspaper headline, in order to post links to them.  But then she decides to get a can of Coke out of the fridge -- and poof! there IS no fridge.  "No NRO!" cackles Nero.  "So, no NRO fridge with free soda."

"There was only Diet Coke anyway, so I don't care, " says Kathryn.  "And now, since the NRO is gone, I can spend the rest of the watching 'The Golden Girls' and 'The Nanny' on Lifetime."  She pushes a button on the remote, and poof! the TV vanishes too.

"No NRO, my friend, no NRO," screeches Nero.  "And no NRO office TV!"

"Fine," says Kathryn Jean.  "I'll just go home and take a nap."

She walks towards the coat rack to get her jacket, and the floor starts crumbling beneath her feet.

"No NRO!" whistles the NRO sprite.  "So, no NRO floor!"

Kathryn looks around her in horror as the building begins to cave in.  Then, suddenly, she's gasping for breath.

"No NRO, my friend.  No NRO air!"

A blue-faced Kathryn whispers that she was wrong -- the NRO is vital to her daily existence, and she wants to take her wish back.

Nero says, in his inimitable fashion, "No takebacks!" and Kathryn's last moments of life are spent contemplating just how evil of her it was to wish for a world with no NRO, and how, if she were allowed to live, she would devote every minute of every day spreading the gospel of the NRO.

She blinks.  She's home, in bed.  It was all a dream!  She's still alive, and better than that, there still is a blessed, life-giving NRO!  She can hardly wait to start driving people crazy by contantly praising the NRO.

She blinks again.  No, she's not home in bed.  She's dead, and in hell.  Where she will be tormented by Nero for all eternity.  The End. 

So, those are my two visions of a world without NRO.  I want to thank Mackubin for suggesting the possibility, and hope that someday it may become a reality.

P.S. Here is where you can watch the Chevrolet-sponsored, Jim Handy produced 1940 industrial short "A Case of Spring Fever," in case you missed it when it was featured on MST3K.

2:40:07 AM