May 22, 2004 by s.z.

Ann Coulter, Legal Scholar Here's part of the transcript from Thursday's Scarborough Country Bear Jamboree -- in it, Scar asks his guests if Ted Kennedy commited treason when he said, "Shamefully, we now learn that Saddam‘s torture chambers reopened under new management, U.S. management," and if Michael Moore comitted mega-treason by saying, "I oppose the U.N. or anybody else risking their lives of their citizens to extract us from our debacle in Iraq.  The majority of Americans supported this war once it began and sadly that majority must now sacrifice their children until enough blood has been let that maybe, just maybe, God and the Iraqi people will forgive us in the end.”  Ann said that both men are, of course, guilty of treason, but that Nancy Pelosi is guilty only of slander for saying that Bush is incompetent (Ann, being a lawyer, is apparently unaware that it's never slander if the statement is true.)  SCARBOROUGH:  And we‘re back now talking politics with Ann Coulter, Lawrence O‘Donnell, and Pat Buchanan.  And I think, Ann, before we took a break, you wanted to say something else about treason.  Go ahead.  COULTER:  Democrats want to keep putting this—or liberals—in terms of a prosecutable defense and what it says in the Constitution, which is a way of saying you can never call anything treasonous.  We don‘t prosecute for the crime of seduction anymore, but that doesn‘t mean there‘s no such thing as seduction. Yeah, if Ann stuck to the accepted meaning of the word "treason," then she couldn't call half the country treasonous.  And then she'd have to get a new shtick.  COULTER: Since Hanoi Jane went to Vietnam, we obviously are not a country that prosecutes for treason.  But the fact that we don‘t prosecute anymore does not mean there‘s no such thing as a treasonous statement.  And for liberals to be constantly leering over mishap, every damaging incident that happens to our troops in Iraq, wishing for more Americans to die, that is treasonous under any normal understanding of what treasonous is.  If it isn‘t, I would like to know what it is treasonous.  Okay, Ann, let me tell you.  Even if you throw out the legal and constitutional definitions of treason, there's always the dictionary: Treason 1 : the betrayal of a trust : TREACHERY 2 : the offense of attempting by overt acts to overthrow the government of the state to which the offender owes allegiance or to kill or personally injure the sovereign or the sovereign's family I don't know what trust Michael Moore could have betrayed with his comment.  Being a political writer/film maker isn't considered a position of trust, and holding American citizenship certainly doesn't require one to avoid making inflamatory statements (if it did, Ann would have been executed long, long ago).  And while it was probably impolitic and inaccurate for Kennedy to state that there is no difference between the American management of Abu Ghraib and the way Saddam ran it, I don't think any reasonable person would really call that violating his trust as a Senator (since trusting Senators not to mouth off would be rather foolish).   And, of course, even Ann would agree that neither man is guilty of the second definition.  Earlier in the program, Ann said that "treason" really means "rooting against your own country."  And she claimed that Kennedy "smeared the entire management of the prisons of Iraq" with his remark.  But she never explains how "smearing prison management" equals "rooting against America."  So, it would seem that Ann is just flinging crap (again).  Let's watch as O'Donnell calls her on it.   SCARBOROUGH:  Lawrence, what is treasonous? O‘DONNELL:  Well, it‘s very funny.  I get Ann‘s routine.  It‘s very funny.  She is a law school graduate.  She knows the word treason is a legal term.  COULTER:  So is seduction. (CROSSTALK) O‘DONNELL:  She has made a career out of willfully misusing it every time she uses it, which is very funny.  (CROSSTALK) COULTER:  I‘m not using it as a legal term.  That‘s my point.  O‘DONNELL:  You‘re using it as a joke, Ann. COULTER:  You‘re using it as a legal term in order to say there‘s no such thing.  O‘DONNELL:  It is a legal thing.  The word murder is also a legal term.  These are legal terms. COULTER:  So is seduction.  (CROSSTALK) O‘DONNELL:  You don‘t get to come up with your definition of what murder is.  It‘s a childish thing to do.  And it‘s beneath you as a law school graduate, but it‘s great comedy. (CROSSTALK) O‘DONNELL:  And I don‘t want to get in the way of it.  COULTER:  Does that mean there‘s no such thing as seduction? Ann, Ann, Ann -- while there is a legal definition of seduction ( "The offence of a man who abuses the simplicity and confidence of a woman to obtain by false promises what she ought not to grant"), and while it isn't prosecuted these days, it doesn't mean that the dictionary definition no longer exists:     Seduction: 1 : the act of seducing to wrong; especially : the often unlawful enticement of a female to sexual intercourse 2 : something that seduces : TEMPTATION 3 : something that attracts or charms Poor Ann -- she always thought it was illegal to be attractive or charming -- no WONDER she turned out the way she did.  And she apparently believes that there's an important link between treason and seduction, and so she has to keep treason alive in this country or no one will ever be tempted into having sexual intercourse again.  And if that happens, the species will be doomed.  DOOMED! I don't know whether to recommend that she see a psychiatrist or a lexicographer. 7:12:47 AM

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"After the children have ransacked Granny's luggage for sweets . . ." What's new with America's Worst Mother™ (a trademark of Tbogg Light and Magic) this week?  Well, Mr. Bogg has obtained a secret CIA report which reveals that the Gurdons (Mommy, Daddy, Rumer, Scout, Apple, and El Santo) are the inspirations for Bill Keane's Family Circus!  It all makes sense now! (Of course, this should have given us a clue, but it took Tbogg Hersh to make us see the truth.)  Anyway, go read  ...and starring Twitchy the rabbit as Barfy the dog if you haven't all ready.  I'll wait wait you savor all of its tangy goodness. ***** Okay, now that you've seen a pro do it, here's my recap of this week's Swamp Fever, "Granny" (which has nothing to do with Irene Ryan or opossum stew and Jethro Gurdon wanting to be a rock star -- alas).   It has no continuity or point -- like the source material.  (Tonight I just don't have the energy to try to make Meghan's work interesting -- I don't know how Tbogg does it week after week). Anyway, on with the story: ***** Meghan goes to her kids' private school to pick up Rumer and El Santo.  Her kids are better than any of the other kids there, and she is better than any of the other parents.  Meghan's children are excited because their Granny is coming to visit -- and she might have food in her luggage! Meghan hasn't told the kiddies yet, but Granny is going to be staying with the family so that Meghan and the husband can get away and have the sex.  Meghan is turning 40 --  that's what kids do to you.  Then you die. But Meghan is happy that she had kids.  Other women have face lifts instead, and then they go to fancy D.C. parties, just to creep out Meghan and Mr. Meghan.  Mr. Meghan says the women look this this:       (Another example of a memento mori) Meghan learned a valuable lesson from those ghastly women: I left vowing to greet each birthday with noisy insouciance. My friend Danielle thinks if women are going to lie about their ages, they ought to round them up. No surgery needed: One white lie and you'll will always look younger than you "are." Meghan's friend Danielle is, of course,  Danielle Crittendon.  Danielle wrote Amanda Huggensqueeze . . .I mean Amanda Bright @ Home.  A lot of pages in  AB @ H are devoted to women (vain, shallow, liberal women -- women not at all like Amanda, Danielle, or Meghan) talking about and getting plastic surgery.  Here's how one of those women justified her decision to Amanda: "I'm simply not prepared to let myself go to hell like some of those mothers you see in carpool--you know, the ones whose hair is a mess and who throw on absolutely anything, letting everyone know their husbands can lust after the secretary for all they care, they have soccer practice to get to." The character is the book is 40.  Of course, Meghan's husband would never lust after the secretary, and Meghan already knows she's better in every way than those other mothers in the carpool, so she can safely be insouciant about both cosmetic surgery and this milestone birthday.  Besides, back in January, Meghan's other friend, Rachel Johnson, described Meghan as "lovely."  Of course, it was in the course of outing Meghan (and Danielle) for writing about the joys of being a stay-at home mother while having a nanny to do all the hard work of motherhood.  So, while it was a backhanded compliment, if somebody says you're lovely, then you're allowed to make fun of women who have facelifts.  The Bill of Rights says so. Meghan concludes the flashback about the exclusive Washington insider party and the scary, Death's Head facelift women ("As with portraits in a haunted house, staring mascaraed eyes seemed to follow us around the room"), and gets back to ordering around Granny.  See, Granny is a liberal, so she can't be trusted to know how to feed a rabbit without detailed guidelines.  Granny also got knocked up out of wedlock, so she's a slut too.  She only kept the fruit of her misguided passion because abortion wasn't legal 40 years ago.  (But it all ended happily, in that while Granny had a shotgun wedding, a divorce, lots of trauma and pain, and a ruined life, Meghan was born and later procreated.)  Meghan takes pains to let Granny know that the Gurdonettes are very talented and popular, which means that Meghan is an excellent mother -- unlike Granny. Also Mrs. Whitney will take Violet to Sadie and Katie's birthday party on Saturday," I say, running my finger down a long, inky list, "And on Sunday afternoon, Mrs. Portnoy will bring Paris to Ian's party — " I pause for a moment to think with fondness of Ian's mother, who in exasperation one day said to a griping left-wing parent, "Look, we're Republicans, too. Do you still want that playdate?" And that nasty griping left-wing parent was ... The Competent Mother.  And now you know the REST of the story.  And little Ian Portnoy grew up to be Jonah Goldberg. Meghan snaps out of her reverie (for like the third time this column -- I guess we can see where El Santo gets his ADD) to give Granny more instructions: I snap out of my reverie and proceed: "Okay, ballet lessons, birthday parties, piano practice, soccer, lunch boxes.... oh, yes, and while we're gone, you will have to contend with the life force of the kidney bean."  It seems that Rumer is growing beans in the house.  But softhearted, stupid, liberal Granny found one of the plants dying, and so she watered it and put it in the sunlight. "That," says my husband, "Is Molly's project. Was. To observe how beans grow under varying circumstances." Of course, the husband is just saying that to make Granny feel bad.  Rumer was really growing the beans for food (beans making an excellent subsistence crop, and the children being very, very hungry).  Falsely accusing Granny (and all liberals) of stuff is the only thing that makes his life worth living. There is an outraged pause on our side, a defensive one on Granny's. Then she laughs and shrugs. "I guess I'm just a typical soft-hearted liberal," she says, "I see a pale bean, struggling for life, and I have to give it water." Yeah, now Rumer will never get that Nobel Prize, and it's all Granny's fault -- how selfish can a person be!  Just for that, Granny has to keep the kids FOREVER! 4:44:37 AM