THE POISON PERIL
The Narrator helpfully catches us up on the recent doings of “Daka and his Jap spies,” which is mildly confusing, since everybody who works for Daka is actually a middle-aged white guy, including Daka himself. To me, this somewhat weakens the otherwise robust verisimilitude of The Batman serial. Perhaps, if your goal is to exploit racial prejudice against a wartime enemy, it would make it easier if the government didn’t round up any fellow citizens who resemble those foreigners, and ship them off to detention camps, because that pretty much limits your casting options to tubby Irish guys from Queens. Anyway, just a little something for Michelle Malkin to chew on, along with her Raisinets.
Last week, two zombie mechanics stole an experimental plane, and the Army shot it out of the sky, even though they knew the Batman was on board, and that he was working for the government. Because a tights-wearing bachelor who lives with a frequently pantsless boy and a manservant who’s slightly less butch than Waylon Flowers is really pushing the “Don’t Tell” part to the limit.
So how did the Batman escape this time? Did he have Bob Vila and master carpenter Norm Abrams come in and do a little remodeling on the sequence, adding ceramic ring top cabinetry pulls with a pottery style glaze, and a scene with Batman pulling a parachute out of his ass? Did his cape turn into a hang glider? Was he Raptured just before impact? I mean, we saw the plane do a power dive and crash, so he had to have pulled off some lame stunt in order to survive.
Nah. Couldn’t be bothered. He just crashed. But fortunately, this was not to be The Day the Cheap Library Music Cues Died, because he just shook it off and pranced out of the wreckage, causing Don McLean to pause and crumple up the tribute song he was halfway through.
Since aviation fuel isn’t volatile or anything, Batman drags the zombies to a safe distance of about 3 feet away. Suddenly, the radio-controlled colander falls off one of them, and the Batman jerks upright and throws his arms out wide in what would have been a perfectly pantomimed indication of surprise if he were Lillian Gish and this was 1912.
Troops run toward the downed plane, and The Batman absconds with the colander, which might have cleared the two mechanics of treason, but oh well…
Meanwhile, back at the lair, one of Daka’s Caucasian Japs (the inspiration for Norman Mailer’s White Negro – not a lot of people know that) radios that the plane they were trying to steal has crashed. Which I guess is very interesting if you’re following the plot, but personally I was distracted by a close-up of J. Carroll Naish as Daka, showing what appears to be a painfully inflamed, puffy-eyed allergic reaction to his racist make-up. Sort of like what happened to Buddy Ebsen after he was originally cast as the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz (and I have to say, it served him right for trying to revive the shameful minstrel show practice of performing in Silverface).
Daka radios the Japanese submarine from the last episode to report that his streak of failures continues unbroken, and that he next plans to fail to steal the blueprints for the plane he just failed to steal.
Humiliated by Daka’s seemingly effortless ability to screw up, the sub commander surfaces in the middle of a squadron of U.S. destroyers. Oops. He recoils from the periscope and turns to the only other guy on the submarine and orders him to “Flashdance!”
Well. That’s what it sounded like. Let me rewind.
Okay, my bad. He actually yells “Crash drive!” The sub’s single sailor instantly snaps into action by performing one of those plate-spinning routines from the Sullivan show.
Back at not-so-Stately Wayne Manor, Linda is in the sitting room containing the secret passage to the Bat Cave, while Alfred is in mid-tizzy, stammering that Bruce and Dick could be anywhere! The beach! The steam room! Key West! And managing to hit a pitch and frequency of twee so high that only dogs can hear him femming it up.
Just then, Bruce and Dick emerge from the grandfather clock behind Linda, imperiling their secret identities, just as Alfred feared! Of course, blowing their secret identities would require that Linda actually notice that a grown man and a boy are crawling out of a clock four feet away from her, and since she doesn’t seem to have noticed that she’s been getting abducted three times a day, they’re probably safe.
Meanwhile, at the lair, Daka receives a visit from the League of Extraordinarily Dull Gentlemen, who show him a screaming newspaper headline about a Japanese submarine sunk off the coast. Daka slams down the paper and snarls, “Another disaster! Due to the interference of The Batman!”
Okay, granted, The Batman has managed to foil – if only inadvertently – most of Daka’s schemes, but the submarine was sunk by the U.S. Navy, and I’m beginning to think that this whole blame-the-Batman thing is becoming his answer to everything. Next week I expect to hear Daka bellowing angrily from the bathroom, “Toenail fungus! Due to the interference of The Batman!”
Daka orders his minions to forget about trying and failing to steal the aircraft blueprints, and instead to immediately concentrate on failing to kill The Batman. One of the Doctor’s posse observes that Batman seems to be interested in Linda Page, but she really likes Bruce Wayne, in a scene that manages to fuse an action-packed, two-fisted serial with a Sweet Valley High novel. This prompts another of his men to say, “Hey, you don’t suppose this Bruce Wayne and The Batman could be one and the same person?”
Daka instantly slaps him down. “Don’t be absurd! That simpering idiot could NEVER be The Batman!”
Um, so how does Daka know Bruce Wayne? Granted, Bruce is a wealthy man about town, but given that Daka didn’t know his submarine had been sunk, despite it being front page news, he apparently doesn’t take the paper. Or maybe he does, but just for Winchell’s column, with maybe a quick glance at the box scores, and Thimble Theater.
Daka sends one of his men to Linda’s apartment, first scribbling down the address from memory, which is kind of creepy. (I just hope this chapter doesn’t end with Daka standing below Linda’s window, holding a Victrola over his head that’s playing “In Your Eyes.”)
Anyway, he orders his lackey to go to Linda’s place, posing as a telephone repairman, and “install a Dictaphone.” Later, we see Daka and his Hollaback Boys electronically eavesdropping as Linda entertains a bearded, crusty old miner played by Charles Middleton, who was Emperor Ming the Merciless in the infinitely superior Flash Gordon serials. It seems that years ago, Linda’s Uncle Martin “grub-staked” Miner Ming, and by a not really amazing coincidence, he’s just hit a motherlode of radium.
Then Bruce and Dick show up, and it turns out that Ming is an old friend of Bruce’s. (Is Gotham City the size of Mayberry? Everybody knows everybody in this burg!) They give the old prospector a ride back to his hotel, then Dick reveals that back at Linda’s he found a microphone under her desk. Bruce says that the Batman and Robin had better keep an eye on things and Dick breaks into a radiant smile and chirps, “Swell! Let’s get into our outfits!”
You know, I don’t think it’s even really about the crimefighting anymore. It’s all about the outfits.
Some of Daka’s thugs break into Ming’s room and try to force him to give up the location of his radium mine. Batman and Robin intervene, and there’s another bout of lethargic roughhousing, which concludes, as always, with the bad guys escaping.
The next day, Bruce and Dick are in Wayne Manor’s only room, having breakfast in their jimmies while Alfred stands around flaunting his eerie resemblance to John Waters. Ming rings them up, and says that Uncle Martin called and asked for a meeting. It sounds dangerous, so Bruce volunteers to go in Ming’s stead, then orders Alfred to dress like Ming and go in his stead. Alfred demurs, saying he doesn’t feel very “top hole,” and I have to say, I believe him – he doesn’t seem like a top – but Dick slaps another beard on him anyway.
They meet the thugs at a warehouse with several nice features – beamed ceilings, convenient swinging ropes, and an above-ground children’s wading pool full of acid. A lame fight breaks out, and Alfred and Robin wind up locked in a cardboard vault. Batman struggles to disarm one of Daka’s minions, but succeeds only in shooting holes in the acid-filled Doughboy Pool, before pulling some wires out of the wall and getting knocked unconscious.
The thugs proceed in an orderly fashion to evacuate the warehouse before the acid reaches the sparking wires (Daka’s monthly fire drills at the supervillain lair really pay off here). The electricity causes the chemical fumes to explode, and the roof caves in on the cold-cocked caped crusader.
Next week: The Phony Doctor! (The Bill Frist Story).
I forget if it’s this serial, or the followup “Batman And Robin” (probably the latter), but at one point Bats and Boy are shown tearing up into the driveway of Bruce Wayne’s “suburban” bungalow (Wayne Manor? Not even close) and dashing out of Bruce’s car and into his front door. Which must be happening every night.
Secret identities? Psh. “Richard? Richard? Wayne just drove up in that ridiculous costume. He’s home! Go get our rake back! Oh dear lord, he’s got the boy dressed up in those green shorts and booties again…I’m calling the police!”
Say! This is the episode with Batman dropping all his cigarettes as he climbs down the fire escape.
In coming episodes, watch for Bruce Wayne’s posture as he prepares to visit Miner Ming’s mine (This slouching yokel is a fop AND Batman? My ass!) and the phrase “Half a beard is better than none!”
Secret identities? Psh. “Richard? Richard? Wayne just drove up in that ridiculous costume. He’s home! Go get our rake back! Oh dear lord, he’s got the boy dressed up in those green shorts and booties again…I’m calling the police!”
Say! This is the episode with Batman dropping all his cigarettes as he climbs down the fire escape.
In coming episodes, watch for Bruce Wayne’s posture as he prepares to visit Miner Ming’s mine (This slouching yokel is a fop AND Batman? My ass!) and the phrase “Half a beard is better than none!”
he next plans to fail to steal the blueprints for the plane he just failed to steal
Talk about lowering expectations. What’s next? The model kit from Aurora?
Talk about lowering expectations. What’s next? The model kit from Aurora?
Humiliated by Daka’s seemingly effortless ability to screw up, aWol appoints him to fill Don Rumsfailed’s shoes
was what I was expecting
was what I was expecting
You know, I don’t think it’s even really about the crimefighting anymore. It’s all about the outfits.
Truer words were never spoken… Is there going to be a sequel to the book, btw?
Truer words were never spoken… Is there going to be a sequel to the book, btw?
Truer words were never spoken… Is there going to be a sequel to the book, btw?
s.z. and I have talked about it. If the book continues to do well — and if you guys would be interested in seeing more of this stuff — we’ll probably give it a try.
s.z. and I have talked about it. If the book continues to do well — and if you guys would be interested in seeing more of this stuff — we’ll probably give it a try.
“Half a beard is better than none!”
But enough about Linda Page.
But enough about Linda Page.
Consider this an expression of interest. If you can do some bad killer-sea-animal flicks, I’d be especially pleased.
If you can do some bad killer-sea-animal flicks, I’d be especially pleased.
As a matter of fact…
I’ve been saving the Sci-Fi Channel’s Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep on my TiVo for just such an occasion.
As a matter of fact…
I’ve been saving the Sci-Fi Channel’s Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep on my TiVo for just such an occasion.
Fantastic. That one sucked tuna balls. Can you do “Hammerhead” too? God, I’m so demanding, but hell, there’s probably a whole book just in SciFi Channel movies.
there’s probably a whole book just in SciFi Channel movies.
You’re probably right. Maryc has been agitating for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, directed by David Worth, the auteur behind the evergreen classic MST episode “Warrior of the Lost World.”
You’re probably right. Maryc has been agitating for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, directed by David Worth, the auteur behind the evergreen classic MST episode “Warrior of the Lost World.”
Ugh, holy God. “Shark Attack 3″ is a master-piece of s***. But you know you couldn’t do it justice without lots and lots of animated-GIF samples of those “special” effects. A two-man mini-sub with an airlock-free SIDE door, the Worst Pick-Up Line EVER, and a strong contender for Worst Ending “Zinger” Line Ever to boot. Yeeeeearghle.
Getting back to Bats…yeah, we all rank on the guy who played Alfred (uncredited William Austin), but he’s easily the best actor in this mess and always fun to watch.
Nevertheless: the line “And managing to hit a pitch and frequency of twee so high that only dogs can hear him femming it up” damned near cost me a pair of underwear.
Getting back to Bats…yeah, we all rank on the guy who played Alfred (uncredited William Austin), but he’s easily the best actor in this mess and always fun to watch.
Nevertheless: the line “And managing to hit a pitch and frequency of twee so high that only dogs can hear him femming it up” damned near cost me a pair of underwear.
I maintain that megalodon is a genuinely unsuitable animal for a killer monster movie. I love them dearly, but come on, the thing is big enough to swallow your standard swimmer or research sub whole. No blood! What the hell is the point of that?
Nonethless, I own that one, and a horrible stinker called “Megalodon”, which has some lovely imaginary ctenophores, but which uses as a *plot point* actual, real, sharp, pointy, serious teeth–teeth, I tell you!–on a dunkleosteous. It makes me almost as sad to watch that scene as I get when watching “Before the Dinosaurs” on Animal Planet and hearing Bob Costas, narrator, explain that this species of protomammal swallows gastropods with which to grind its food. Man, that’s a hell of an image.
Nonethless, I own that one, and a horrible stinker called “Megalodon”, which has some lovely imaginary ctenophores, but which uses as a *plot point* actual, real, sharp, pointy, serious teeth–teeth, I tell you!–on a dunkleosteous. It makes me almost as sad to watch that scene as I get when watching “Before the Dinosaurs” on Animal Planet and hearing Bob Costas, narrator, explain that this species of protomammal swallows gastropods with which to grind its food. Man, that’s a hell of an image.
I bought a friend “Shark Attack 3″ as a gift. Yes, I’m that evil. But, if only it had Casper Van Dien in it like “Shark Attack 1″ did. Then, it woulda been… perfection.
No comments:
Post a Comment