It’s a new heart-warming holiday special, written by our own Marq. We’re sure it will be a holiday classic.
Marie Jon’
Marie Jon’ found, on Christmas morn,
A different gift than the expected porn,
A gift certificate for a copy-editor, and quite a sight to see,
Hers to use, and likely abuse, for one month (or three!),
“I’ll treasure this always-it’ll make me a better writer!”
So she set to work on a column, and made it a one-nighter,
“Here it is, Mr. Editor, it’s about Jesus and Mary, womb-babies and God,
“And how those who don’t like them are really just clods,”
“Alright, Ms. Jon’, I’ll check for mistakes,
“Is this piece genuine, or is it a fake?”
“Mistakes?” she cried, she was clearly appalled,
“I was misinformed about what a editor does,” she bawled,
“Don’t fret, love, if it’s your first time, I’ll be gentle,”
She just stared at him as if he were completely mental,
“Hmm, ‘beloved and excepted,’ ‘officially mote,’
“Try and make sense,” with a blue pencil he wrote,
Marie’s lids fluttered from the sight of all the blue,
Said she, “What are you, Mister, some kind of Jew?”
“I’m a Unitarian, Miss, if that’s any of your biz,”
Marie whipped out her badge from the O.F.A.L.* and assured him, “It IS!!1!”
So, off thugs dragged him, tied up in knots,
Soon to face the administration’s new torture’bots,
“Treat him right, boys, we don’t want him in pain,
“I think he’s a sissy,” so they jerked on his chains,
Years later, he was still missing, though rumor had it,
He was turning tricks to support his Sadly, No! habit,
In reality, he’d been ground up and made into cat food,
And, as fates go, that’s pretty darned harsh, dude,
Marie smiled to herself, pondering his fate,
It was Christmastide once more, and everything was great!
.
.
*Office of Females Against Larnin’.
Marie Jon’ found, on Christmas morn,
A different gift than the expected porn,
A gift certificate for a copy-editor, and quite a sight to see,
Hers to use, and likely abuse, for one month (or three!),
“I’ll treasure this always-it’ll make me a better writer!”
So she set to work on a column, and made it a one-nighter,
“Here it is, Mr. Editor, it’s about Jesus and Mary, womb-babies and God,
“And how those who don’t like them are really just clods,”
“Alright, Ms. Jon’, I’ll check for mistakes,
“Is this piece genuine, or is it a fake?”
“Mistakes?” she cried, she was clearly appalled,
“I was misinformed about what a editor does,” she bawled,
“Don’t fret, love, if it’s your first time, I’ll be gentle,”
She just stared at him as if he were completely mental,
“Hmm, ‘beloved and excepted,’ ‘officially mote,’
“Try and make sense,” with a blue pencil he wrote,
Marie’s lids fluttered from the sight of all the blue,
Said she, “What are you, Mister, some kind of Jew?”
“I’m a Unitarian, Miss, if that’s any of your biz,”
Marie whipped out her badge from the O.F.A.L.* and assured him, “It IS!!1!”
So, off thugs dragged him, tied up in knots,
Soon to face the administration’s new torture’bots,
“Treat him right, boys, we don’t want him in pain,
“I think he’s a sissy,” so they jerked on his chains,
Years later, he was still missing, though rumor had it,
He was turning tricks to support his Sadly, No! habit,
In reality, he’d been ground up and made into cat food,
And, as fates go, that’s pretty darned harsh, dude,
Marie smiled to herself, pondering his fate,
It was Christmastide once more, and everything was great!
.
.
*Office of Females Against Larnin’.
Posted by s.z. on Friday, December 22nd, 2006 at 9:51 pm.
26 Responses to “A Marie Jon’ Christmas”
Marq, darlin’ heart, if I’da knowed you was so brilliant, well, hell, I dunno what I would’ve done, but I had no idear!
Colloquialisms aside, that’s the first gooooood laugh that I’ve had in quite a few days, and I thank you for it. Couldn’t be any more perfect, honestly.
And considering that we’re doing “xmas” tomorrow at the Beastmaster’s house, replete with ALLLL of the motherfuckers that I loathe, I will joyously take this lovely little capsule of brilliant snark with me, to keep me smirking, as I look at my alleged “relatives” who are ALMOST as literate as Marie Jon.
Of course, I’ll also have my last Lortab and a handful of Valiums, but you’re definitely going to be a big help!
Bravo, m’love!
Colloquialisms aside, that’s the first gooooood laugh that I’ve had in quite a few days, and I thank you for it. Couldn’t be any more perfect, honestly.
And considering that we’re doing “xmas” tomorrow at the Beastmaster’s house, replete with ALLLL of the motherfuckers that I loathe, I will joyously take this lovely little capsule of brilliant snark with me, to keep me smirking, as I look at my alleged “relatives” who are ALMOST as literate as Marie Jon.
Of course, I’ll also have my last Lortab and a handful of Valiums, but you’re definitely going to be a big help!
Bravo, m’love!
In reality, he’d been ground up and made into cat food,
And, as fates go, that’s pretty darned harsh, dude
I will carry this couplet as a beacon and a guide into the new year.
And, as fates go, that’s pretty darned harsh, dude
I will carry this couplet as a beacon and a guide into the new year.
That made my holiday (which is a comment on how clever it is, and how sad my life is).
Marq had me at this couplet:
“Marie Jon’ found, on Christmas morn
a different gift than the expected porn”
Let’s see Dr. Deuss top that!
“Marie Jon’ found, on Christmas morn
a different gift than the expected porn”
Let’s see Dr. Deuss top that!
Dr. Seuss.
I like Dr. “Deuss” – some corrections just aren’t necessary!
Marq, that is wonderful!
Marq, that is wonderful!
a different gift than the expected porn”
Let’s see Dr. Deuss top that!
that Dr “Deuss” Bigalow?
Let’s see Dr. Deuss top that!
that Dr “Deuss” Bigalow?
Couldn’t be any more perfect, honestly.Thanks, everyone. Now that I see it BIG, of course, I’d probably change a couple o’ things… though, it’d probably make it less-funny. A special “thanx” to s.z. for dropping in the missing half of a couplet, making it actually complete for the first time (I think ), so, hopefully, it’s in as good shape as it’s gonna get. There probably shoulda been a refrence to Marie’s cut-and-paste habit, and her nearly unflagging lurve of teh pResident, but close ’nuff.
Question:
Collagen injections or is she married to a particularly brutish redneck?
Collagen injections or is she married to a particularly brutish redneck?
Marq, that rox! Did you do that in the hospital (“It’s a big building where they have sick people, but thats not important now”)killing time between the “special” injections (dammit, nurse, I’m really in pain tonight!)? Or is this part of the recovery regimen?
mikey
mikey
mikey: Yes. Or, in other words, as far as you’re concerned, you never heard that I was in the violent ward hospital. As far as anyone here is concerned, I was never in the psychopathic ward hospital. Capisce? Ooh, pills!
That is no collagen. Marie is too low-rent to afford real sheep-parts collagen. She just got somebody to pump two tubes of silicone weather-stripping caulk into her already-fishy lips, and that shit ain’t NEVER comin’ out.
Cheapest home-”plastic surgery” alteration I’ve ever seen this side of Jackie Stallone.
And Marq — stop bogarting those pills, dammit!!!
Okay, so I had one last Lortab and a couple of Valiums to survive my so-called “family’s” idea of “xmas” today (replete with socio/psychopath niece, and my parents’ golden child-molesting (and in, ME) SON, my old old OLDEST “sister” {oversexed/Queen O’ The Camel-Toe 44 trying to be 16}, et al), and I’ve got a half-pint of Absolute chilling in the freezer, but dammit, IF YOU’RE GONNA BRAG ABOUT THE PILLS, YOU’VE GOT TO SHARE WITH THE WHOLE CLASS, CAPICE?!??!?!!!!
Cheapest home-”plastic surgery” alteration I’ve ever seen this side of Jackie Stallone.
And Marq — stop bogarting those pills, dammit!!!
Okay, so I had one last Lortab and a couple of Valiums to survive my so-called “family’s” idea of “xmas” today (replete with socio/psychopath niece, and my parents’ golden child-molesting (and in, ME) SON, my old old OLDEST “sister” {oversexed/Queen O’ The Camel-Toe 44 trying to be 16}, et al), and I’ve got a half-pint of Absolute chilling in the freezer, but dammit, IF YOU’RE GONNA BRAG ABOUT THE PILLS, YOU’VE GOT TO SHARE WITH THE WHOLE CLASS, CAPICE?!??!?!!!!
NOT “AND in,” dammit, it was supposed to be “AS in”!!!!!!
Marq, you seem to have spent way too much time thinking about Marie Jon’ this Christmas. I can only hope the pills will help.
Annti, I understand that valium among others tends to lower one’s inhibitions and cause one to give vent to those violent impulses created by the assholes you took the valium to not be quite so stressed out by in the first place. So the question at some point becomes whether they’re really irritating, and therefore it’s a good idea, or they’re really *really* irritating, and therefore likely to get a fork in the hand at dinner no matter what. Your family, as mine, seems to fall into the latter category. Enjoy.
Annti, I understand that valium among others tends to lower one’s inhibitions and cause one to give vent to those violent impulses created by the assholes you took the valium to not be quite so stressed out by in the first place. So the question at some point becomes whether they’re really irritating, and therefore it’s a good idea, or they’re really *really* irritating, and therefore likely to get a fork in the hand at dinner no matter what. Your family, as mine, seems to fall into the latter category. Enjoy.
Man, I thought my family was dysfunctional, but y’all make me feel like I’m a member of the Swiss Family Robinson.
We all have our crosses, I suppose.
I will carry mine tomorrow. Have a cool yule.
We all have our crosses, I suppose.
I will carry mine tomorrow. Have a cool yule.
I still can’t help but have a crush on the girl. Like you could start dating her, and eventually change her warped thinking until you had cute little liberal babies together.
Yeah, I’m beyond saving.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, I’m beyond saving.
Merry Christmas.
D., my darling Crane Woman, you know so much, you understand. Thank you. And I managed to survive without spilling any blood, so I guess that I get a karma brownie point or some such shit, eh?
And Lemonheads, punkin’, you keep that attitude up, some truly evil bitch is going to put a ring through your nose and lead you around like a housepet.
And no, I am not currently auditioning housepets, so that wasn’t a come-on.
And Lemonheads, punkin’, you keep that attitude up, some truly evil bitch is going to put a ring through your nose and lead you around like a housepet.
And no, I am not currently auditioning housepets, so that wasn’t a come-on.
Already happened, Annti. You’d think I’d learn.
I’ll give you that karma brownie point right now, just for being the insightful bitch you are.
Once again, Merry Xmas.
I’ll give you that karma brownie point right now, just for being the insightful bitch you are.
Once again, Merry Xmas.
Thankee, Lemonheads. Now if you could just give me a planet free of Sears and Ty Pennington doing their commercials, I just might revise my no-more-housepets-EVER stance…
Okay, I ain’t promising anything, but a girl can dream for a world without overly-compensated CARPENTERS becoming “celebrities,” right?
Okay, I ain’t promising anything, but a girl can dream for a world without overly-compensated CARPENTERS becoming “celebrities,” right?
Don’t envy me my pills, Annti. there are just a couple of anti-d’s in there (since Halloween, yet the suicidal thought are still there. go figure), blood pressure tablets of various types, etc. nothing fun. The best pain killers I have presently are some tyl3n0l-3s, so in other words, jack shit (I ate my last emergency v1c0den a couple o’ weeks ago). I really gotta get me a pain specialist lookin’ at me so I can be set up with those or better. I’m thinking a Limbaugh-like supply might do. Then, I’d share! 
\”tripe \”
SP\’s are tripe.
something poor, worthless, or offensive
http://www.therealitycheck.org/
GuestColumnist/mjon122906.htm
SP\’s are tripe.
something poor, worthless, or offensive
http://www.therealitycheck.org/
GuestColumnist/mjon122906.htm
Kudos, Mr. Marq.
You have the gift.
Don’t squander it, or you’ll make the baby Jeebus cry.
You have the gift.
Don’t squander it, or you’ll make the baby Jeebus cry.
Secular Progressives, by the way ARE so trip.
I consider Marie Jon Apostrophe’s conclusion quite the compliment.
I consider Marie Jon Apostrophe’s conclusion quite the compliment.
That has to be the real MJ’ – she fucked up the link to her blog in the header. Twice. No doubt about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment