I’m pretty tired right now. I spent the day protecting Buster from The Wrath of Kittens, since he seems to have the instinctual drive to flush cats out in the open to for hunting — except, that I’m not hunting the cats, and the cats hate it, which they show by hissing, spitting, and trying to smack Buster in the face. (Little Bob got Buster on the nose, and Ziggy got him on the top of the head — and that was despite my best efforts.)
I also took Bob and Oliver to the vet’s today for their third round of kitten shots, went on a long walk with the dogs, shampooed the carpets after the dogs brought back several pounds of mud from their walk, wrote a letter to the local paper advocating dog fostering, and read about 3000 tributes to Gerald Ford.
So, it’s probably not surprising that I read this Newsmax email subject line as “O’Reilly Blowhard Offal.”
But here’s the actual text:
But here’s what NewsMax had to say about the offer (I added a few explanatory notes, so you could better appreciate this incredible deal).
I also took Bob and Oliver to the vet’s today for their third round of kitten shots, went on a long walk with the dogs, shampooed the carpets after the dogs brought back several pounds of mud from their walk, wrote a letter to the local paper advocating dog fostering, and read about 3000 tributes to Gerald Ford.
So, it’s probably not surprising that I read this Newsmax email subject line as “O’Reilly Blowhard Offal.”
But here’s the actual text:
O’Reilly Blowout Offer
Incredible Offer!You know, It’s usually a bad sign when one’s book goes into the remainder bins a scant two months after being released. But making this even worse is that NewsMax isn’t even trying to lure its readers (rubes and fools though they may be) into purchasing a subscription to The NewsMax Wingnut Magazine by offering them cheap copies of the latest rightwing polemic. No, NewsMax is just trying to unload as many copies as possible of a book that nobody is buying.
Culture Warrior: List Price: $26.00
Sale Price: $12.95
But here’s what NewsMax had to say about the offer (I added a few explanatory notes, so you could better appreciate this incredible deal).
With three straight #1 best seller and more than 4 million copies of his books in print [and in landfalls all over the nation], the most powerful traditional force [i.e., the biggest bully] in the American media now takes off his gloves [and his clothes, then takes his falafel in hand, and prepares for a nice, hot, steamy shower] in the ongoing struggle for America’s heart and soul [and bucks]. Bill O’Reilly is the very embodiment of the idea of a Culture Warrior [and the very model of a modern major asshole] — and in this book he lives up to the title brilliantly, with all the brashness and forthrightness [because warring with brashness and forthrightness on the cultural front is a lot less dangerous than warring with guns and hand grenades on the Iraq front] at his command .
Save $13 with NewsMax’s After-Christmas Blowout Sale! Go Here Now!Or don’t. We won’t tell on you if you have something more pressing to do.
17 Responses to “NewsMax Makes Me An Offer I Can Refuse”
It always gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling when I look at amazon.com’s listings for “books” like this one and see the notation, “879 used copies for sale from Amazon Marketplace sellers, beginning at $0.01.”
[and in landfalls all over the nation]
hey, that’s not fair, I’m sure there are plenty being put to good use as doorstops, paperweights, propping up table legs and insulation all over the country
hey, that’s not fair, I’m sure there are plenty being put to good use as doorstops, paperweights, propping up table legs and insulation all over the country
Ooh, and don’t forget paper mache, preznit! You could sculpt a pinata to look like O’Reilley’s head, and watch the fun as everybody fights to smack it with a big stick.
Probably not as fun as hitting the real one, but still…
Probably not as fun as hitting the real one, but still…
Don’t forget that the pages make excellent wrappers for felafels.
Darn shame that Mr. O’Reilly’s latest tumor…I mean, tome, is selling so poorly. Must be all them godless Xmas haters…
All I know is, if I tried making peace cranes out of the book, people’d be sending ‘em back.
Also, I’m thinking maybe a letter writing campaign aimed at talking Bill into hiring Keith Olbermannn to ghost write his next book.
Also, I’m thinking maybe a letter writing campaign aimed at talking Bill into hiring Keith Olbermannn to ghost write his next book.
[and his clothes, then takes his falafel in hand, and prepares for a nice, hot, steamy shower]
EWWW! Thanks for putting that nasty image in my head. How about a contest is uses for O’Riley’s new book? The winner gets a copy of Playboy.
EWWW! Thanks for putting that nasty image in my head. How about a contest is uses for O’Riley’s new book? The winner gets a copy of Playboy.
I just returned Culture Warrior to the library. Since I had blown through The O’Reilly Factor…FOR KIDS! I figured that Culture Warrior would also be a piece of cake.
I was terribly wrong. It took nearly two weeks to slog through 26 painful pages, and all I got out of it was “Ugh, O’Reilly good, thought bad!”
They’d save a lot of paper, money and effort if instead of paying for a book, the publisher just paid for a hooker that specializes in rocking her clients back and forth, humming softly and assuring them that she’s always, always love them. Or maybe some kind of Big Brother’s program that will pair him up with a father figure that will provide him with the masculine approval he so clearly never got as a child. Either way, Bill needs a hug more than another book deal.
I was terribly wrong. It took nearly two weeks to slog through 26 painful pages, and all I got out of it was “Ugh, O’Reilly good, thought bad!”
They’d save a lot of paper, money and effort if instead of paying for a book, the publisher just paid for a hooker that specializes in rocking her clients back and forth, humming softly and assuring them that she’s always, always love them. Or maybe some kind of Big Brother’s program that will pair him up with a father figure that will provide him with the masculine approval he so clearly never got as a child. Either way, Bill needs a hug more than another book deal.
Wow! If I order this most recent O’Reilly turd book from NewsMax, I’ll save more than 50%!! Amazing!
Um, except…
If I refrain from buying it at all, I’ll save $26 — a full 100%!!! Now that really is amazing! And, the best part is, for no additional money whatsoever, I can still borrow Bill’s crappy tome from the public library and read it, though there may be cray0n and drool stains on it. But, it’s free, and ya can’t beat that!
Um, except…
If I refrain from buying it at all, I’ll save $26 — a full 100%!!! Now that really is amazing! And, the best part is, for no additional money whatsoever, I can still borrow Bill’s crappy tome from the public library and read it, though there may be cray0n and drool stains on it. But, it’s free, and ya can’t beat that!
Crayon and drool stains on it?
Guess Marie Jon checked it out before you, Marq.
Guess Marie Jon checked it out before you, Marq.
heh heh heh heh heh heh…
You two oughta take that act on the road… But who would be Martin and who would be Lewis?
You two oughta take that act on the road… But who would be Martin and who would be Lewis?
But… how do ya translate, “Oh, nice layyyyyyy-deeeeee!!1!” into ghey? Or, wingnut, for that matter?
I can still borrow Bill’s crappy tome from the public library and read it, though there may be cray0n and drool stains on it. But, it’s free, and ya can’t beat that!
Left by Marq
Just wait. I got a fiver says Newsmax offers to pay you to read it by Valentine’s Day.
Left by Marq
Just wait. I got a fiver says Newsmax offers to pay you to read it by Valentine’s Day.
Marq, darling, why on earth would SUCH (prehistoric) camp need “translating”?!?!?!
C’mon, baby, these jokes write THEMSELVES!
If Jerry Lewis is 100% heterosexual, so am I.
Just make Bill S. butch it up a bit and throw some shoeblack and Brill-Creme into his hair, and hit the road already!
C’mon, baby, these jokes write THEMSELVES!
If Jerry Lewis is 100% heterosexual, so am I.
Just make Bill S. butch it up a bit and throw some shoeblack and Brill-Creme into his hair, and hit the road already!
BUTCH IT UP?
And who’d give me pointers on that, hmmmm…..?
(Anyone got Phyllis Schlafley’s number?)
And who’d give me pointers on that, hmmmm…..?
(Anyone got Phyllis Schlafley’s number?)
Well, as to the “Jerry or Dean” question, I can always look drunk. There’s certainly no problem with that part. It’s just that I can’t sing for shit.
[wait for it!]
Of course, neither could Dean!
[rimshot!]
[wait for it!]
Of course, neither could Dean!
[rimshot!]
Well, I prefer to think of us as French & Saunders anyway.
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