The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

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Friday, May 20, 2011

A New Christmas Classic

You have come up with some great suggestions for the worst holiday movie of all time. However, Tony Blankley, the former press secretary to Newt Gingrich, and current … well, I don’t know what he does now except write for Town Hall … has taken the contest one better by proposing the plot of a NEW classically bad Christmas movie. At least, I think that’s the idea behind his latest column, “The lonely president.”
So, let’s all listen while Tony gives us the basic pitch for his own made-for-TV holiday film – and I hope the programming execs from the Hallmark Channel are reading us today.
Act 1:  A lonely, discredited, President sits at home alone in the White House, not participating in the seasonal feelings of peace on earth and stuff because nobody approves of his war.
The American presidency has been called “A Glorious Burden” by the Smithsonian Museum, and the loneliest job in the world by historians. As we approach Christmas 2006 Anno Domini, President Bush is surely fully seized of the loneliness and burden of his office.
For rarely has a president stood more alone at a moment of high crisis than does our president now as he makes his crucial policy decisions on the Iraq War. His political opponents stand triumphant, yet barren of useful guidance. Many — if not most — of his fellow party men and women in Washington are rapidly joining his opponents in a desperate effort to save their political skins in 2008. Commentators who urged the president on in 2002-03, having fallen out of love with their ideas, are quick to quibble with and defame the president.
[…]
Not surprisingly the most recent polls show just 21 percent approval of his handling of the war — an 8 percent drop since the election, and that mostly from Republicans and conservatives. Overall, his job approval level is down to 31 percent.
I’m sure you see the parallels with the first part of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” For, just like George Bailey, George Bush sacrificed his dreams of seeing the world being an alcoholic drifter in order to take up the family burden of being President, and now everybody hates him just because Uncle Billy the Democrats have lost the deposit lost the victory in Iraq. And, just like in the Capra clasic, nobody appreciates this George’s integrity, excellent business sense, and plans to topple mean old Mr. Potter, and so he is feeling bitter, unappreciated, and suicidal.
So, it’s the perfect set-up for the holiday miracle, in which an angel, Santa Claus, or an unwed mother show up to show Mr. Bush the true meaning of Christmas, and thereby redeem his soul.
Act 2: Enter the ghost of Victory Past.
If Washington gossip is right, even many of the president’s own advisers in the White House and the key cabinet offices have given up on success. Official Washington, the media and much of the public have fallen under the unconscionable thrall of defeatism. Which is to say that they cannot conceive of a set of policies — for a nation of 300 million with an annual GDP of over $12 trillion and all the skills and technologies known to man — to subdue the city of Baghdad and environs. Do you think Gen. Patton or Abe Lincoln or Winston Churchill or Joseph Stalin would have thrown their hands up and said, “I give up, there’s nothing we can do”?
Yes, this is where the ghost of Joseph Stalin shows up to kick Mr. Bush in the keister, and then teach him about tenacity, determination, and executing one’s critics in mass purges. Mr. Bush is heartened by the spirit’s visit, and vows to mend his ways and become the brutal dictator he was meant to be.
He arises from bed and calls out to a young press secretary on the lawn, “What day is this?”
The boy replies, “Why, it’s the 1367th day since the declaration of Mission Accomplished in Iraq, sir!” (It seems that the lad was quite a “Countdown” fan, a fact which the FBI had missed until this point.)
“But we still have a war, right?” asks the groggy President.
Assured that there is still a conflict that he can win by using the lessons taught to him by his otherworldly mentor, Mr. Bush starts the day with a renewed spirit of optimism and tyranny.
Act 3: Redemption, Human Cloning, and a Bright, Shiny, Promising New World War
If the victory is that important — and it is — then failure must be unthinkable, even if it takes another five or 10 years.
And yet, when I exclusively interviewed two members of the Baker commission last week, they explicitly told me that they didn’t propose increased troop strength because their military advisers told them it wasn’t currently available.
Well, in 1943, we didn’t have the troop strength for D-Day in 1944, and in 1863, we didn’t have the troop strength (or the strategies) for the victory of 1865. But we had enough to hold on until the troops could be recruited and trained (and winning strategies developed). And so we do today. I have been told by reliable military experts that we can introduce upward of 50,000 combat troops promptly — enough to hold on until more help can be on the way.
Sure, President Bush encounters some obstacles in his new resolve to win the war the Stalin way – Syd Fields would insist on as much.  For example, when he tells Congress that he needs 50,000 troops promptly, and so is reinstating the draft, they tell the President that none of THEIR kids will participate in the war, what with it being so uncomfortable and dangerous and such.  But Mr. Bush triumphs over adversity by awarding a defense contract to Halliburton, paying them to create him a vast army of Snowflake babies (aged to battle readiness via the judicious use of human growth hormones).  He also has them make a platoon of stem-cell copies of Ann Coulter storm troopers, just in case.
And thus, the new World War is soon underway, and, with the prospect of a glorious victory in our grasp within just ten years or so, the movie ends on a triumphant yet heartwarming note when little Jenna lisps, “Teacher said, whenever an Iraqi dies, a demon earns his horns.”
The End . . .Or Is It?
Mr. President, you are not alone. The ghost of Old Abe is on your shoulder. God Bless you and Merry Christmas.  
Then the ghost of Honest Abe pulls George’s nose, pokes his eyes, and smacks Georgie upside the head for being such a twit, and we have the true heartwarming ending.

22 Responses to “A New Christmas Classic”

Better ending: Ghost of Honest Abe smiles paternalistically at the forlorn President and says, “Son, you’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Why don’t you and the wife go into town and take in a play?”
Why is it that those who deny that there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam all seem to think that Iraq is exactly like both the US Civil War and WWII?
I say the whole clan of young Bushes (Jenna, NotJenna, P, Jeb Jr., Dubya’s cokehead niece, etc.) should sign up and ship off to Iraq, so as to fire up the rest of the nation’s young ‘uns to join this noble cause. If it doesn’t work and just gets all of the young Bushes killed, so much the better. btw, if Dubya hadn’t married Laura, would she be a boyfriend-killing spinster librarian instead of his Stepford Wife?
Some day, people will be sitting together in a room trying to decide if Tony is, not sane, but sane enough to stand trial, and this column will be read into the record.
quick to quibble with and defame the president
It’s not possible to defame Bush. No matter how much bad stuff anybody says about him, the reality is worse.
Oh sheesh, they’re talking history (and military science) again. Okay (apologies in advance)…
1) Lincoln, Churchill, and Stalin changed strategies time and again. They got rid of what, and who, didn’t work. Of the three only Lincoln can be said to have stuck by an idea (the indissolvable Union) in the face of major opposition, but he also had considerable support at the same time, and managed to raise, equip, and maintain an effective army though it all. Stalin simply buried his political opposition. Churchill once threatened to machinegun a portion of his (striking miners), but for the most part the Brits just got rid of him every time they’d had their fill.
2) The American Civil War was, in fact, won in 1863–the South could not recover from the loss of Vicksburg, and the Confederate high water mark in the east occurred at the obscure little Battle of Gettysburg. They ended on July 4th and July 3rd, respectively. It’s in all the history books, even the ones in our high schools. The “strategies” (actually the grand tactics; everybody knew by then the strategy required) which would win the war had already been developed in the West, by the commander who would apply them in the East, one Hiram Ulysses Grant. Those victories did wonders for recruitment, but Lincoln had already addressed the problem by actually conscripting soldiers.
3) “Military experts” might have told Tony Blankley we could increase troop levels by 50,000 in Iraq–still theoretically possible for a short period–but that “until more help can be on the way” is pure bullshit. At the best of times it would take about five years to raise a division. You can’t just run raw recruits through boot camp and onto the firing line like it’s 1942 anymore. The army is highly technological. It takes nearly 12 months to train a standard private these days, and almost 18 months training for a lot of specialties. That would be on top of the question of where we got them (draft? Go ahead, Tony boy, propose one), who trained them, where the equipment came from (2/3 of our existing divisions are no longer combat ready), and how we pay for it ($50,000-100,000/year per soldier to train and equip, exclusive of salaries, medical care, and future benefits).
4) And having assembled the cavalry, they do what now?
2) The American Civil War was, in fact, won in 1863–the South could not recover from the loss of Vicksburg, and the Confederate high water mark in the east occurred at the obscure little Battle of Gettysburg. They ended on July 4th and July 3rd, respectively. It’s in all the history books, even the ones in our high schools.
The sole thing I remember about Vicksburg is that, after it fell to Union forces on the Fourth of July, the residents refused to celebrate, mark, or even acknowledge Independence Day for the next hundred years.
But they’re the real Americans.
S.Z., lovely as always.
Nonetheless, don’t mind me, I’ll be over in the corner, sticking my head into that 50-gallon vat o’clorox.
Brill-O, anybody?
doghouse: “You can’t just run raw recruits through boot camp and onto the firing line like it’s 1942 anymore. The army is highly technological. It takes nearly 12 months to train a standard private these days”
Sorry, but this isn’t true. There are lots of troops serving in Iraq less than a year after joining up.
“enough to hold on until more help can be on the way.”
Ummm. So where are they coming from? Well, it’s a Christmas movie, so maybe George has a whole lot of elves he hasn’t told us about, and they will be available right after the Christmas rush. And that’s why George has postponed his speech on Iraq until after the New Year. The whole thing is going to be on Lifetime as “The Christmas Country That Almost Wasn’t.”
Sorry, but this isn’t true. There are lots of troops serving in Iraq less than a year after joining up.
ajay, what I was expressing is military practice as I am given to understand it. That we have violated sound practice to keep our little charade going longer–as with accepting recruits we’d have rejected a couple years ago–is undeniable, but it is also irrelevant. The bill always comes due. We can rush units through the process, but if we try to create divisions that way we’re aiming for a disaster that’ll make what’s happened up to now look like warmup tosses.
It should also be pointed out that current Army doctrine is to train units for specific tasks, so we are talking about creating two divisions at God knows how many billions beyond the $18 B/year it will take us for the next decade just to repair what we’ve already broken just so George Bush (and Tony Blankley) don’t have to eat the shit sandwich they fixed for us.
This is a two-part movie. You are stuck in the beginning with Iraq. However, Iraq is a diversion. As the army attacks Iraq, the US gov’t erodes rights at home by suspending habeas corpus, stealing private lands, banning books like “America Deceived” from Amazon, rigging elections, conducting warrantless wiretaps and starting 2 illegal wars based on lies. Soon, another US false-flag operation will occur (sinking of an Aircraft Carrier by Mossad) and the US will invade Iran, (on behalf of Israel). The second half of the movie ends with nukes flying all over the globe. (more of a ‘Day After’ type of ending.
Final link (before Google Books bends to gov’t demands and censors the title):
http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-38523-0
I have a mental image of Laura Bush as the spinster librarian a la Donna Reed… but happy. You know, without that rictus-like grin she usually has for press appearances.
Storm Trooper Ann Coulters?!
Thanks tons for that visual. I can’t stop shuddering.
Here’s one of the film’s theme songs: “The Lonely Surfer,” an early cut from The Beach Boys. Since Dennis Wilson, of blessed memory (1944-1983), was the only honest-to-Ned surfer in the bunch, I think a poignant tune by a pack of inauthentic surfers would be appropriate for a tale of an inept Prez who lives on a “ranch” but is afraid of horses…for starters.
[I]I’m sure you see the parallels with the first part of “It’s a Wonderful Life.”[/I] (I hope I did that italic thingy right…this is a quote from the post.)
Which, of course, only serves to strengthen the argument for “It’s a Wonderful Life” as the worst Christmas movie ever made…
Afraid of horses? I heard he “milks” them.
BTW — personally, I’ve always thought of Laura’s “joke” as a very lightly-veiled threat to Dumbya to stop bringing Karl The Goat-Boy Rove’s kinky omnisexual orgies into the Formal Dining Room… After all, since Dumbya’s usually wearing the bridle, reins, and “pony tail”, I doubt that he’s ever allowed to stand up on two feet and attempt to “milk” anything.
If the past six years don’t amount to the biggest case of closet-case bondage/bestiality freaks since Hitler/Himmeler/etc., then I’m an anorexic supermodel astronaut psychic ballerina. These people make NIXON look “straight.”
I think fat Tony would make such a lovely large target on his own, he should just go to Iraq hisself… OK, take Laura Bush now that she’s telling us we’re missing the good stuff about Iraq, and soak up all those bad bullets.
Well, you see, W. doesn’t “own” the horses he milks, he merely mistreats them. I can just imagine the poor nags rolling their eyes and thinking, “Oh, G-d, here he comes again!”
On the other hand, that’s what Laura, Condi, Harriet, and Karen H. already do, so the horses will be in equine company.
OK, those icky bestiality images–i.e., any sexual imagery featuring Shrublet brand corns–have got to stop.
Right.
Now.
Yes, Sir!

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