The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Monday, September 12, 2011

Americans Delivered To Your Doorstep in 30 Minutes Or The Beheading Is Free!

Dick Morris, Fox News Analyst and prostitute phalange fetishist, recently explained the President’s Iraq war strategy in such a concise and pellucid manner that it could easily be grasped by even the laziest American lolling on his couch, too bloated and lethargic to even summon the strength to reach for the remote and turn off Dick Morris.

On the Hannity and Vague Ectoplasmic Shape Show, Morris revealed that the secret to winning the War on Terror is as old as commerce: Location, location, location.
MORRIS: I think that withdrawal from Iraq — it obviously gives al Qaeda a huge victory. Huge victory. On the other hand, if we stay in Iraq, it gives them the opportunity to kill more Americans, which they really like.
One of the things, though, that I think the antiwar crowd has not considered is that, if we’re putting the Americans right within their arms’ reach, they don’t have to come to Wall Street to kill Americans. They don’t have to knock down the trade center. They can do it around the corner, and convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist.
Because terrorists are a lot like soccer moms — harried, overscheduled, with too many responsibilities and too little time for themselves – and at the end of the day, all they want is a moment to put their feet up and settle back with a cup of General Foods International Coffee (“Shall we have the Jasmine Jihad, or the Mesopotamian Mint Cappuccino?”)  This is why today the sales of Certs are almostly entirely terrorist-driven (“You mean it’s a candy mint and a breath mint?  At the same time?!“) and why Scrubbing Bubbles® has recently made such significant market penetration in Waziristan.  (“Omar, stop cleaning the bowl and start decapitating infidels!  This product will do the work so you don’t have to!”)  And needless to say, EasyOff leaves you free to homicide bomb while it cleans the oven.

It’s refreshing to see that Morris isn’t squeamish about the implications of throwing our troops to the insurgency the way Russian peasants might toss a baby off the back of the sledge to distract a pursuing wolfpack.  Sure it’s harsh, but if we don’t make killing Americans as convenient as microwaving a Hot Pocket, then the next thing you know, our kids will come home from school with a terrorist and say, “Mom, he followed me home!  Can we keep him?”

Next Week:  Morris praises Amazon’s new hassle-free “Al-Qaeda Club,” that allows jihadists to order American service personnel shipped directly to their home, with no minimum order required to qualify for free shipping!

13 Responses to “Americans Delivered To Your Doorstep in 30 Minutes Or The Beheading Is Free!”

Holy shit, did he actually say that? Out loud and everything? In public? Oh, man. Way to fucking support the troops, you prick.
“…isn’t squeamish…” No… No, he’s apparently not, is he. I hardly even know what to say, so thank you Scott for capturing the exact proportions of cynicism, disgust, anger, and dismissal the fuckwit deserves for saying that.
Well, okay, and the Certs thing made me laugh, so good on ya for that too.
It’s all about priorities, D. Sidhe. By sacrificing troops in Iraq, your government is protecting property — the insurgents / resistance / whatever aren’t coming to Wall Street and knocking down trade centres.
convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist… So it should be easy enough to track Bin Ladin to his cave, simply by tailing the pizza delivery guys. Or accessing Amazon records to see who in Hubristan has been ordering the “Feng Shui your Cave” manuals.
Re-reading that quote, Morris seems to be testing the market for rationales for a permanent occupying army (there is a tacit admission that ‘victory’ will never be achieved, at least not for current definitions of the word ‘victory’).
But to paraphrase his argument, “A steady trickle of soldiers coming home in coffins is a fair price to pay to keep your office blocks and shopping-malls intact”. I reckon he should have pilot-tested that rationale on a focus group first.
I can even see how we can market it to terrorists/consumers:
Two All beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, sacrificial soldier on a sesame seed bun.
Have it your way.
See, I think Dick just slipped up and told the truth. It happens, however rarely. American soldiers have been dying to protect Wall Street for fifty years. It’s just that now its defenders can pretend they mean it literally.
“convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist. A CNN/Gallup poll of sworn enemies of the United States conducted inside Gitmo, the secret prisons in Eastern Europe, and various Federal and INS/ICE installations found that the following were cited as the most important factors in choice of target:
Convenience 43%
Hatred of specific target 21%
Instructions from imam 16%
Body count/shock value 14%
Likelihood of reaching
paradise/virgins 17%
Correction: paradise/virgins only 6%
Not to be pedantic or anything, but the singular of “phalanges” when referring to digits (e.g., toes and fingers) is “phalanx”.
“Phalange” (without the “s”, and a capital “p”) is a Lebanese Christian paramilitary group (as you undoubtedly knew already).
Aside from that, thanks for the Dick Morris stuff. I would NEVER be too bloated and lethargic to turn off Dick Morris, and so would have missed this gem of neocon “thinking”.
His real name’s David, or Roger, or something isn’t it? Dick’s just an honorific, right?
Dick’s just an honorific, right?
I think the term is “descriptor”
“Keel ten and ze next one is free! On ze house!”
the singular of “phalanges” when referring to digits is “phalanx”.
Moreover, the singular of ‘hinges’ is ‘hinx’.
“American soldiers have been dying to protect Wall Street for fifty years. It’s just that now its defenders can pretend they mean it literally.”
I think that could be a new recruiting slogan for the army “die to protect Wall St”. I bet, once she’s out of prison, Good old Paris Hilton could be convinced to be the model for all the print ads too.
and is the singular of binges “binx”?

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