The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Monday, September 12, 2011

White Star Line Taps New Titanic Captain

After a frustrating search for a new master to assume command of their latest and largest vessel, ABC News has learned that White Star Lines President G. Walker Bush has chosen Captain Sir John Felching for the role.  Felching will report directly to the president, but as the new captain of the Titanic, he has been assured a free hand in dealing with what a White Star spokesman referred to as “certain persistent, moisture-related challenges.”

“A lot of people want to pack it in,” Felching told reporters shortly after his appointment was announced.  “It’s true that the Titanic’s maiden voyage hasn’t gone as smoothly as we might have liked, but that’s no reason to just cut bait and abandon ship.  If we pull our survivors out now, the icebergs will follow us home.”

Filling the position had become a priority for White Star executives after a handful of former shipmasters told the president they did not want the job.  Among them was retired Captain Sir Holmbert Queef, who proved an embarrassment to management after he wrote a skeptical letter to the Times.   In his missive, Sir Hombert questioned the veracity of a press release which claimed that the ship’s original master, Captain Edward John Smith, had died of “natural causes associated with old age, aggravated slightly by respiratory distress caused by damp conditions typical of the North Atlantic.”

“What I found in discussions with current and former members of White Star management,” Queef wrote, “is that there is no agreed upon strategic view of the Titanic’s problem.  Some feel that she began the voyage without the necessary resources (like lifeboats).  Others believe she was stabbed in the back by the Carpathia, while still others attribute the current difficulties to a ship’s company demoralized by a constant stream of criticism and second-guessing by Fleet Street penny dreadfuls.  Personally, I think it’s the ruddy great gash in her hull.”

Felching will set sail on Monday aboard the White Star clipper Exculpate to join his new command, insisting that while ”there are obstacles ahead, and an unacceptable amount of water damage in the First Class salons, we fully intend to guide this noble ship to her original destination.”

When a reporter asked Captain Felching how he planned to cross a thousand miles of ocean in a ship with a hundred meter-long hole below the waterline, the Captain was gently pushed aside by White Star board member Professor G. Harlan Reynolds, who trained a gimlet eye upon the assembled scribes and boldly declared, “Float.”

8 Responses to “White Star Line Taps New Titanic Captain”

Excellent analogy.
Pass me that life belt…
hmm, doesn’t Katherine Harris have a pet namedthat?
Maybe if we move the deck chairs into protective little circles…
Thanks, Scott. You’ve brightened an old man’s day.
I’m an agnostic about the restoration of America’s international stature, but I do know this: that until it dawns on people that the worst possible mistake is taking military advice from a collection of belligerent drunks, belligerent reformed drunks, and guys whose entire adult life is dedicated to getting even with hippies for having all the fun he didn’t in high school there ain’t even the slightest possibility.
I think the blame clearly lies with the moonbat left and their “wireless communications” — never transmitting the good news of the voyage but just that new “SOS” thing. I mean, who ever heard of that?
Plus, all those tie-dye t-shirts soak up water like you wouldn’t believe. Really, weren’t the hippies just begging for us to sink?
Man, that was beautiful. I stopped coming here so often because of the dearth of posts(no worries, mate-I know, life’s a lowly domesticated animal of indeterminate gender).
But then I return, and it’s pure metal of some value to dwarfs or perhaps industrialists.
I thank you and a blessing on all of your houses.
the ‘60’s had become a more or less permanent feature of our national life with identity politics and jostling interest groups taking the place of any homogenizing notion of Americanism. African-Americans, feminists, Latinos, gays, Asians, the disabled, hippies, Native Americans – each aggrieved segment of society demanded justice and redress…
Well, there you have it in a nutshell, Michael and his crowd have now got to share and they are pissed. Their way of dealing with this is of course to simply attempt to clamour to the top of the pile and call himself a victim. Nice try.

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