The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Do Your Patriotic Duty!

Yes, it’s time once more to exercise your franchise.  And since we’re no longer permitted to vote for President of the United States — or at least, we’re politely rescued from such impudent acts of lese-majeste by having our ballots spirited away from polling stations and respectfully interred in a composting toilet in the basement of a condemned ice house owned by the Republican National Committee – your franchise needs all the exercise it can get, if it’s not going to develop a pair of Hugh Hewittian man tits.

And after all, there are still some areas of urgent public policy in which our voices can and must be heard!  To wit:  we can stand up and be counted in the do-or-die race to select Jonah Goldberg’s ghost writer.  So please review the entries submitted in this thread and vote here for your favorite Fake Page From Jonah’s Imaginery Book.  And remember, Jonah’s reputation as a groundbreaking political thinker and exhaustive researcher are at stake, so think about it for a couple of seconds before you cast your ballot.

We had some wonderfully funny (and eerily prescient) entries, and they deserve to be recognized, if only because the people who posted them spent far more time and effort on Jonah’s book than he has.  As previously threatened announced, the winner will receive their choice of either Better Living Through Bad Movies, or a World O’ Crap mug.  (Initially, because some of our contestants are in early middle age, I had planned to award either a copy of Liberal Fascism, or a coupon good for 10% off the Early Bird Special at Denny’s, but unfortunately, the odds of their surviving until the actual publication date seem a bit grim.)

I’m voting against my own interest here, but I cast my ballot with ortho_bob. If only because I want him to come up with page 38…
“Early middle age”? I’m gonna chalk that up to your being a sweet guy, Scott, and not to completely forgetting about me.
Lessee…ortho_bob’s was a lustrous gem, but unless it was intended as subtle commentary, taking three weeks to finish has to result in a markdown. I got out the coffee and toast bits I spit on the carpet when I read Harry Cheddar’s “searching for the BW3 napkin with your outline on it” last week when I shampooed, but then it wasn’t really a page from the book, was it, Harry? RTFM. Robert S. was just commenting when he brought out “the Chinese Democracy of conservative literature,” but deserves a mention, and Henry Crun an award for pithiness for the dedication. Maybe you could send him a page from the book.
So, I gotta go with Matthew, who sparked everyone to creative heights right out of the gate. Plus the footnote thing was genius.
I also gotta go with Matthew Garth although I have to give points to Britisher for the last footnote.
All of them share a trait that no one ever gets from Goldberg’s writing: they’re fun to read. Doghouse captured his lazy sophomoric cluelessness, Matthew’s opus is probably being plagiarized by Goldberg’s ghostwriter as we speak, and I nominate Annti’s “gelatinous cunt-fart” to be the next “Doughy Pantload.” But I have to vote for Ortho-Bob’s late entry, if for no other reason than if Jonah gets wind of it, “stains, mysterious and not so mysterious,” will be an actual index entry.
Yes, yes, that’s it, the late posting was a vital part of the parody! As were the 6 bags of Funyuns and 3 moon pies I scoffed to prepare myself.
Thanks, Doghouse. I’ve never been good with good with following instructions. Actually I thought you did the best job of capturing the oily lackadaisical strokes of a Jonah eblogulation. And sporky did a damn fine noir take. But I got to give it up for Matthew, ‘cause the footnotes make it look all serious and stuff.
Maybe the winner can get a guest post on W’OC.
Matthew deserves to win, but I loved Sporky’s entry. I think Sporky should do more with that. I’d buy a book by Sporky, unlike the work of the ‘real’ author.
Thanks, Porrofatto.
I still haven’t decided who deserves to win more than I do, if anyone.
There will be great sighs of relief and adulation when I do make my decision known, have no doubt.
I’ll probably wait until there’s a tie or disputably-close run-off, and then get teh ego-boost of casting the deciding vote.
I loved them all, but I think this’s Matthew’s baby.
matthew. is 48 early middle age? i hope not.
I vote for Britisher’s, well, because it’s funny. Matthew’s was great too as was Ortho_Bob’s. Me? Couldn’t help myself after JayB’s “The Temptation of the Clinton”…had to write that noir piece. You know…after Jonah described what it wasn’t, my thinking is either fiction (not that it wouldn’t be fiction anyway, but it’s nice that he told the truth) or a coloring book. I’m thinking coloring book.
So many good choices, but I’m especially torn between Matthew Garth and ortho_bob. But if I absolutely have to pick just one, I guess it will be Matthew.
Okay, I’ve finally decided. Not to be contrarian (moi? Non, non, c’est impossible!), but despite Matthew Garth’s stunning entry, right out of the gate, I’m going to have to vote for Britisher’s entry.
Must’ve been the CCC/WPA refs to FDR that done it, can’t be sure, but that’s my vote.
So, if we vote for whomever eventually wins, can we con a coffee mug or other swag for picking the victor? Or would that break the entire World O’Crap Shop Parole Mall to reward all of the voters?
Britisher’s post was arguably the best researched and written, and as his agent…well of course I have to vote for him!
Are we all still in moderation?
My vote is for Brit, mostly because, well, I made him post an entry…
As his agent and provocateur, I have to vote for Britisher.
Oh great! Now suddenly all my posts are showing up?
Ah well, this is Chicago, right? Vote early, vote often, vote drunk?

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