The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

On The Left, Jerry Mahoney! On The Right, Knucklehead Smiff!

Edgar Bergen’s less intelligent dummy, Andy McCarthy, slowly sits up in his case, frightens the crap out of Michael Redgrave, then declares:
Good for Senator McCain on his sharp rebuttal to Senator Obama. May I add one point, though, that continues to make me nuts?

Senator Obama says: ” It is time to end this war so that we can redeploy our forces to focus on the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 and all those who plan to do us harm.”

Senator Obama, are you proposing that we move U.S. troops from Iraq to Afghanistan, where you guys keep saying the “real” War on Terror is?
I have good news for you, Andy — you needn’t lose another night’s sleep, agonizing over what Senator Obama could possibly mean when he utters the baffling word “redeployment.”  Thanks to modern miracles like Retsyn, Chlorinol-3, and The Internet, you can actually go to his website and read all about it:
Perhaps most importantly, some of these troops could be redeployed to Afghanistan, where our lack of focus and commitment of resources has led to an increasing deterioration of the security situation there. The President’s decision to go to war in Iraq has had disastrous consequences for Afghanistan — we have seen a fierce Taliban offensive, a spike in terrorist attacks, and a narcotrafficking problem spiral out of control. Instead of consolidating the gains made by the Karzai government, we are backsliding towards chaos. By redeploying from Iraq to Afghanistan, we will answer NATO’s call for more troops and provide a much-needed boost to this critical fight against terrorism.
Not so fast there, Senator.  Andy is bouncing in his seat and raising his hand, so he’s either dying to ask an asinine follow-up, or he has to make wee-wees:
There is also a very good chance that bin Laden and some al Qaeda hierarchy are in Pakistan.  When you say “redeploy,” are you suggesting that we invade Pakistan?
Well, it’s not my place to speak for Senator Obama, but I’m gonna take a leap of faith here and say:  No.
Folks, let’s not let these guys get away with this.  By “redeploy,” they don’t really mean move the troops to where they say al Qaeda is.  They don’t want to fight al Qaeda.  If they wanted to fight al Qaeda, al Qaeda is in Iraq — that is indisputable.  Bin Laden has said repeatedly that Iraq is the central battle.
Yes, but so has President Bush, and his use of lies has proven to be, shall we say, more than recreational.
You can argue about whether al Qaeda has been in Iraq all along or whether they are there only because we’ve drawn them there.
Uh…no, you can’t.
Reasonable minds differ on that.
Uh, no they don’t.
But however they got there, they’re there.
Later, when the police arrived, they found Andy with a gun in his hand, standing over the body of Jonah Goldberg.  There were signs of a struggle, powdered sugar was spread all around the break room, and the last chocolate-frosted maple log was lodged in Jonah’s mouth.  Andy was quick to put the situation in perspective:  “Yes, there are certainly five, or perhaps six bullets in Jonah.  And they penetrated his back fat, so it’s at least conceivable that they were propelled by some sort of firearm.  Maybe a Wrist-Rocket.  But it’s also possible he just fell on them, or swallowed them on a dare.  Reasonable minds differ on that.  But however those bullets got into Jonah, they’re there, and we should learn to live with that, rather than get bogged down in a lot of guesswork and finger pointing and blame-gaming.” 
If you really want to fight al Qaeda, you stay in Iraq. 
The operative word here being “you.”
If you really believe al Qaeda is not in Iraq — that the real al Qaeda is only in Afghanistan and its environs — then you’re on drugs.
Andy.  Bud.  Taking your post as a whole,  I’m assuming this accusation of hallucinogen abuse is made on the time-honored basis of It Takes One To Know One.  (Totally willing to vanpool to the Dead concert in Iowa City.  Call me, dude.)
But, sure, fine, “redeploy” our troops … to Afghanistan.  But can we please have five seconds of honesty?  You guys don’t have the slightest intention of doing that.  You don’t want to go to Afghanistan.  You want to go home.
And you’re gonna take your ball with you!  Be honest!
When you say redploy, you mean withdraw.  You don’t actually want to “focus on the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11.”  You are content to bring the troops home and leave “the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11″ to build a safe-haven in Iraq even as they continue to make mayhem in Afghanistan.
This message brought to you by Projectionists Union Local 160.
You think Bush is incompetent and “his” war in Iraq is a terrible mistake?  Fine.  You think the price of that is that we should pull everyone out of Iraq even though we all know that will be a monumental victory for al Qaeda — geometrically abetting its future fundraising and recruiting for future terrorist attacks on America?  Fine. 
Okay, I may actually need more drugs than I have on hand to get through the rest of this.  Nothing heavy, some ‘shrooms will do, maybe a peyote button…So let me see if I catch your drift, Andy…You think that I think that a reasonable price for ending a world historical blunder which is tearing this country apart, and exacting an ongoing toll in lives and treasure is Osama bin Laden showing up in your dreams and calling you a pussy?  Hm.  Let me check the Magic 8-Ball…
“All Signs Point To Yes.”
But have the good grace to say so.  Don’t give us this BS that you want to redeploy to fight al Qaeda, when the truth is that you want to “redeploy” to NOT fight al Qaeda.
You know, when you pull your hand out of that hole in his back, Andy’s actually kinda stupid.

12 Responses to “On The Left, Jerry Mahoney! On The Right, Knucklehead Smiff!”

I can lend you some of mine, Scott. The zombies make way more sense than Andrew, so I totally recommend it.
You can argue about whether Andy McCarthy has had anal boils all along or whether he got them from John Derbyshire.
Reasonable minds differ on that.
But however they got there, they’re there.
What’s always especially interesting to me is the argument that because Bin Laden says the main battle is in Iraq, we have to stay there.
We don’t have any fucking troops to redeploy. I suppose Obama is to be credited for being close to some cracked version of reality, unlike any of the Republican candidates, but at best we achieve a phony surge there like the one in Iraq. We’re out of men and matériel. We have one division in reserve. One. That’s 20,000 men, or one “surge”, or one friggin’ Albanian army. Army doctrine calls for 400,000 troops to resist an invasion of South Korea. Today we might, might come up with 200,000 so long as they didn’t need transport. With considerable skill and no small amount of luck we might rebuild our ground forces in a decade, assuming we’re not busy elsewhere.
As for McCarthy, his co-weasels at the Corner, and the rest of the American Right, while we’re at it, it’s like Lost in America, where after she gambles away their nest egg Albert Brooks will no longer let his wife say “nest” or “egg.” “You’ll have to order ham and things!” They’re unfit to mention Iraq, or bin-Laden, or terrorism at this point, let alone map out our counter-moves to what bin-Laden tells them. At this point any halfway responsible Roman would have thrown himself on his sword two years ago.
Um. Does anyone have a cigarette?
Riley, how do we get you elected, anyway?
It’s Indiana. He’s too tall for politics.
“chocolate-frosted maple log was lodged in Jonah’s mouth.”
1. I can’t believe that nobody else jumped on THIS line.
2. Does such a thing as “chocolate-frosted maple log” exist, and if so, WHY?!?!??!!??!
geometrically abetting its future fundraising and recruiting for future terrorist attacks on America?”
Are you fucking KIDDING me?!??!?!?
And um, Scott? You have shrooms and you’re NOT SHARING?!??!?!?
And amen to D.’s desire to run Doghouse Riley as our candidate — I’ll do the fundraising, if D. will do the posters.
But Mark S., if you ever mention anal boils while I’m eating dinner again, I’m going to send you whatever comes back.
I gotta tellya though, I’m severely bored with the mouth-breathing fucktards of the pampered-lily-white-chickenshit-frat-boy chorale, beating the very tired, never-been-tuned drum of “Stay In Iraq! Halliburton Needs MORE Money!” — fuck, these little snot-nosed crackers are starting to make that batshit-crazy psycho-cunt Malkin look INTERESTING.
Soon as the pendulum swings toward socialism, atheism, subsidized psychedelics, and Sumo replaces football, I’ll be ready.
Sometimes, darlin’ Doghouse, you gots ta push tha pendulum YASELF.
And while I could give a ratfuck about sumo (or any “professional sport” (they’re all fucking fixed, from NASCAR to the NHL to the NFL to PBR)), I am COMPLETELY behind the rest of your platform.
As your first major deed as President, I say that we tax the FUCK out of all organized “religions” (hit the Scientologists & Mormons FIRST) and commandeer every televangelist’s mansion and turn ‘em into housing for the homeless, soup kitchens and free birth-control clinics.
Can we turn all stadia into state-run housing for the homeless, as well? We paid for ‘em to begin with. But I must insist Halliburton not be allowed to bid on the conversion job.
Sure! Halliburton will be too busy fixing all of the state and federal structures/contracts that they’ve been low-balling (those high-yield no-bid contracts sure do rake in the dough, can’t be wasting all of that money on DOING THE WORK TO SPEC OR ACTUALLY BUILDING IT SAFELY, RIGHT??!??! Take one look at the NOLA flood pumps, and you’ll see what I mean — okay, not DIRECTLY Halliburton, but Bechtel and Shaw Group are close enough!) all along, anyway.
All of their resources, here and in Bahrain and Dubai will be nationalized, all of their illegal-immigrant laborers will have to become citizens and pay taxes, and all of their corporate sharks will have to start all over again at the bottom — of collapsed septic tanks & rotting levee underpinnings. At $5.15 per hour, no benefits.
Oh, and every chemical corporation in this country (and I don’t give a shit how much of their corporate wealth is stored off-shore, we are taking ALL of their shit!!!) will be forced to change their entire businesses into REAL medical research, not the Viagra/Cialis bullshit that pharmaceutical corps REALLY care about, as they’re pushing PSAs that tell us that they’ll save our lives — anyway, all of the chemical, petrochemical, and other toxic-waste monsters on the planet will then be responsible for curing cancer in every single cancer patient on the continent. They’re not just killing US, after all — think of all of those ExxonMobil plants/refineries in Central America that aren’t even regulated by so much as the extremely-castrated EPA — so they gotta go fix everybody that they’re killing with their pollution.
Every fucking time that I turn around, another person that I love is diagnosed with ANOTHER form of fucking cancer (or the people that they love, etc.), and I’m sick and fucking tired of it. It’d be one thing if they were all down here in Cancer Alley, but they’re ALL OVER THE FUCKING COUNTRY and still dying of fucking cancer, and I’m sick and fucking tired of it. The Bushites have destroyed the EPA so that their billionaire corporate-whore buddies can rake in even MORE dough by short-cutting the illegal and very lethal output of their filthy factories and refineries and manufacturing plants, and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS TO ***THEM***.
Seems like, the better a person you are, the more fucking cancer that you get. Dick Cheney really will fucking live forfuckingever, even if his cyborg parts ever DO crap-out on him.

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