The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Naked Bill O’Reilly Is Looking Out For Your Kids!

I received some lovely spam from a woman who noted our interest in Bill O’Reilly and send us a link to her online paper doll site, which includes a figurine of the indefatiguable culture warrior, stripped for action in his star spangled briefs, and ready to give your children the straight dope on Secular Progressives.

It’s certainly a lovely likeness of Bill, what with the trim physique and smoldering, come-hither expression.  But still… There’s something missing…

I know!

Hmmm…That’s better, but it still seems like an awfully stingy assortment of accessories for a man of Bill’s vast cultural footprint.  I mean, we want the kids to play with him, right?  Undress him in the privacy of their rooms, maybe have him deliver a stern lecture to the underwear-clad Laura Ingalls Wilder doll that’s also available from Cartoon Doll Emporium.

As avid, long time observers of Bill, it’s incumbent upon us to ensure that any use of Bill’s image is as detailed and accurate as possible.  And what likeness of the Christmas warrior would be complete without self-penned pornography?

Good, good.  Still missing something, though…Wait!  I’ve got it!

Rage-mottled face.  Falafel.  Loofah mitt.

Mission Accomplished!

30 Responses to “Naked Bill O’Reilly Is Looking Out For Your Kids!”
My eyes! Ze goggles do nothing!
I envision an accessory along the lines of Mr. Potato Head, but more like a full, long loofah.
Cut my mic!
“ready to give your children the straight dope…”
And a thousand and one nightmares.
ready to give your children the straight dope…
No, that would be Rush Limbaugh. Easy mixup.
Is that Bill O’reilly, or Jonathan Harris, TV’s Dr Zachary Smith.
Nattering Nabob of negativity or bubble-headed booby?
isn’t there supposed to be a court summons in there someplace?
That is hilarious!
You forgot the vibrator (it’s The Smoking Gun, SFW).
Where it’s placed is left as an exercise to the Intertubes viewer…
He needs some cartoon dialogue balloons with famous BillO sayings like, “Shut UP!!1 Shut UP!1! Shut UP1!! ” and the eternal classic, “CUT HIS MIC!!!1!” Plus, he needs his Peabody Polk award.
Polk* award….
Naaah….too easy.
Arrrghh…where is that sharp stick?
My eyes! My eyes!
{poke, poke}
ahhhh..that’s better..
I think the “falafel” above is really a “pita”. Could get pretty messy!
Gahhhh! Needs some lines on his face to go with the Mottles of Rage. Also, Bill-O would look more realistic if he was shaking his index finger in a remonstrative fashion.
Also, the so-called “Laura Ingalls Wilder” doll is wearing panties and a cut-off tank-top–not the kind of voluminous drawers and petticoats that pioneer gals wore ca. 1880.
Also, the so-called “Laura Ingalls Wilder” doll is wearing panties and a cut-off tank-top–not the kind of voluminous drawers and petticoats that pioneer gals wore ca. 1880.
I’m afraid Lynn Cheney would beg to disagree.
Doesn’t he need a foot to put in his mouth?
Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here in the corner, chewing on my hair and dunking my head into this 50-gallon vat of clorox.
But it’s still not enough.
This may require dran-o and C4.
Bill S., you’re going to have to make an ammo run. And don’t come back until you can blow my skull apart and free me of this pulpwood nightmare.
This lovely lady who supplied the aforementioned spam… Her name wouldn’t be, oh, say, SQUEAKY FROMME, would it, Scott??!?! Or was it Karen whatserface, Dumbya’s very favorite verbal fellatist? Nope, no, it had to be JimmyJeffGuckertGannon… He’s the only one who could view a near-nekkid O’Reilly in such a “flattering” light… Although I’m surprised that he didn’t put B.O. in a LEATHER THONG with a very small magnifying glass attached on a little chain…
It’s a real pita we don’t see his falafel (full awful) balls – and, maybe, a tickle-me-Geraldo doll…
{poke, poke}
ahhhh..that’s better..

I can still see!!
gw’s dick for him to suck on.
That is just too weird for words. I think it is the pose that puts it over the top. Well, I mean the whole concept is over the top, but that pseudo-Dean Martin, rat-pack thing. Weird
I don’t want to be mean, since I know how much of a severe pain in the ass paper doll making is, but man that whole page is screwed up. Someone needs to invest in KiSS technology. And while I applaud various poses other than standing straight, that’s just kind of lame.
D.Sidhe: Say, you a Kiss fan as well. I was thinking pretty much the same thing with those dolls. It sucks having to scroll back.
Think of all the handy uses for a Bill O’Reilly paper doll;
starting a pilot light
wrapping fish or coffee grounds
toilet paper/kleenex
shredding to make spitballs
I’m sure some of you can think of others…
As a shim for a rickety coffee table.
Shredded into bedding for a hamster that you don’t like very much.
Gift-wrapping a dog turd that you’re going to set aflame on the neighbor’s front stoop.
Paper airplanes to drive DMV employees batshit while you’re standing in line for twelve days.
Fire-starter for the neighborhood bonfire/klan rally/trailer-park bbq.
Coasters at a gay biker bar.
Dartboard for a tequila-shooter contest at a bull-dyke bar in East Texas.
Paper trays for hot dogs at farm-team baseball games.
Mulch for growing poisonous plants.
Insoles for Jimmy Swaggart’s sneakers.
Crimping papers for giving old ladies a home perm.
Rolling papers for skunk-weed in an Oklahoma county jail.
But no, under NO circumstances should a Bill O’Falafel paper doll EVER EVER EVER!!!! be used as TOILET PAPER!!!!!!
Bill O’Falafel would enjoy that too much, even just in his own perverted sexually-harrassing head.
He’s one of those guys who couldn’t see anything “weird” in Prince Charles’s tampon fantasies, and who thought that Charles was a bit of a lightweight when it came to scatalogical sexuality.
“Laura Ingalls Wilder lived out the end of her life in San Francisco–need I say more???” — Bill O’Reilly
I don’t like the accessories, this is a young Bill, and needs a young man’s clothes – say a sharp little uniform like the one Rolfe (played by Daniel Truhitte) wore in “The Sound of Music”? Better yet, a beret, fatigues, beard, beat up motorcycle–Che O’Reilly? No, no, screw it, let’s go for broke–long white robe, sandals, long beard, headscarf, AK-47, portable dialysis machine, and rolled-up floor plans to the World Trade Center. Somebody get the Colorforms people on the phone!!!
so it’s been three days, is Johnny Hart still dead?
Trashfire — isn’t it bad enough that one of my few pleasant childhood memories (paper dolls) has been irreparably sullied by the taint of Falafel Boy? Must you also deprive me of my ColorForms moments? Must you force me to imagine my Sesame Street ColorForms covered in the gooey snail-tracks of Bill O’Reilly’s masturbations on Muppets???
For shame, Trashfire. For shame.
Oscar the Grouch should bite you in the ass.
How about a tin bucket to cover his blotchy Big Giant head???
Yeesh. I’m going to have nightmares about that thing.
Laura Ingalls Wilder visited San Francisco once but did NOT settle there; she lived to the end of her life on the farm she and Almanzo had in Mansfield, Missouri. Bill-O has confused mother with her only daughter, Rose Wilder Lane, an accomplished journalist and author. Lane encouraged her mother to write down her memories of childhood and helped her get them into a publishable form. We owe RWL a great debt of gratitude for prodding Ma Jr. into creating the “Little House” books…
scott, I hate to disagree, but I typed the entire text of “Sisters” onto the Internets, where many people cached it after “LynneCheney”‘s MySpace account was shut down. There was no abbreviated ladies’ underwear in Cheney’s pioneer love nests, sir!

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