Well, Jonah’s little red button has popped up:Unfortunately, I stuck a toothpick in Jonah, and he’s still gooey in the center. Still, congratulations are in order for the grit and determination he displayed in dumping a suspicious brown sack on his publisher’s porch, ringing the doorbell, and wheezing away to hide in the bushes and snigger.I’m “Done” [Jonah Goldberg]Just thought I’d let folks know that the publisher (Random House/Doubleday) has formally accepted the manuscript for my book. This means the official writing phase is over and the unofficial rewriting phase has begun. I’m sending off chapters to a few friends and other trusted folks for feedback. Though a few folks have seen discrete parts (Ramesh, JPod and a few others) now’s the time when I get to find out how far off my rocker I am — at least in the eyes of people I trust. I remember Derb chastising Rich in the Corner a long time ago, telling him a book isn’t done until it’s done. I’ve still got all sorts of production schedule hurdles ahead. Some I’m not done. But I am “done.” And I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.
To celebrate this auspicious occasion, we’re announcing the winner of the Pantload For A Day contest! Jonah’s distinctive style proved to be quite the inspiration for our contestants, much like the annual Imitation Hemingway Contest, resulting in entries that were so eerily Goldbergian that only a DNA analysis of the Cheeto dust on the manuscript could reliably determine authorship. Each seemed to illuminate a different facet of Jonah, which seemed particularly apt, given that he’s shaped like an 8-sided die, but alas, there can be only one, and the populi have voxed: Matthew Garth, for his trendsetting (and bar-raising) glimpse at Liberal Fascism’s exhaustively footnoted text. For posterity, here’s Matthew’s page of Jonah’s book in its entirety:
PAGE 14
…Carl Schmitt’s The Concept of the Political [footnote 1123] was to Nazi Germany what the monorail episode of The Simpsons [fn 1124] was to my adolescence: a theory I didn’t quite understand but that made me chortle even when I was sitting alone, in my room, at night, with a flashlight, under the covers, looking at my drawing of Troy McClure [fn 1125] on the cover of my Trapper Keeper [fn 1126]. Or maybe it wasn’t like the monorail episode at all. Maybe it was like “Time and Punishment” from Treehouse of Horror V [fn 1127]. Yeah, that’s it. Homer goes back in time and keeps screwing up the future except for this one time when everything seems to be perfect but it turns out that no one has heard of donuts [fn 1128]. Homer’s crushed, but what he doesn’t know is that in this alternative universe donuts now fall from the sky [fn 1129]. It’s better than perfect! Ironic.[fn 1130] Anyway, Schmitt argued that parliamentary democracy was bound to be paralyzed by opposing interest groups lobbying the state for handouts [fn 1131], and he and Hitler and Hitlery Clinton [tm] all seem to think that’s just horrible. You see, they all want the government to be able to get things done [fn 1132]. But legislative paralysis isn’t horrible at all. It’s donuts from the sky, man [fn 1133]. The parliamentary logjam [fn 1134] is exactly what we need to keep the fascists at bay [fn 1135]. The real threat comes from a united [fn 1136] government; that’s just a hop-skip-and-a-jump [fn 1137] away from a fascist nanny state [fn 1138]. (Unless the Republicans are the ones uniting it. We can trust them not to overstep the proper bounds of state power. They promise. [fn 1139])
1123: Schmitt, Carl, The Concept of the Political, pub info TK.
1124: www.snpp.com: The Simpson’s archive
1125: Ibid.
1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead from the years TK to TK. MeadWestvaco was formed in January 2002 as the result of a merger between Mead Paper of Dayton, Ohio, and Westvaco (originally the Piedmont Pulp and Paper Company and then The West Virginia Paper Company). The original Westvaco Plant was sold with its Paper business coated paper operations to investment firm Cerberus Capital Management for about $2.3 billion. The new company is called NewPage Corporation.
The company owns large tracts of land in northern Greenbrier County, West Virginia. The company is relatively lenient regarding recreational land use by private citizens, including hunting, fishing, and the digging of ramps, and unimproved roads can be used to access the area from Anjean and Richwood. Westvaco, however, does not tolerate destruction of property or the use of ATVs. [Note to staff: can we paraphrase this Wikipedia entry without citing it? I don’t want to hurt my quality researching cred.]
1127: www.snpp.com, as above.
1128: The use of the colloquial spelling “donut” in no way implies an endorsement of Dunkin Donuts. I fucking hate those liberal bastards with their totally gay “Boston Cream” donut without even a fucking hole in it. Massachusetts liberals.
1129: Just to interject: that would be fucking awesome! And if it snowed cheetos…
1130: This is really ironic, not like those bullshit non-ironic things in that Alanis Morriset [SP? Staff, get on this.] song. Also, this note is totally prosopopoeia up in your face!
1131: Schmitt, op. cit. p. TK.
1132: This fascist idea is also totally queer. Cf. Bowie, David: “Some times I want to go out./Some times I want to stay in./And get things done,” “Modern Love.”
1133: “Man” here is not used in that bullshit liberal sarcastic way, but in a truly heartfelt way…………….Psych!
1134: The use of the term “logjam” in no way implies that political stalemate is gay.
1135: Cf. Reagan, Ronald, “On the nature and purposes of divided government.” Also, find some Leo Strauss for me, ’kay?
1136: No reference to the British soccer team is implied. Citizen of the world, yo! Ha, just kidding.
1137: See? Fascists: totally gay. See also chapter 4 of this book, “On the nature and purposes of Hitlerian rhetoric,” for an analysis of Hitler’s very gay hands-on-hips speaking style and comparisons with liberal icons.
1138: I’d like to thank my mother for all she’s done for me over the years.
1139: See Norquist, Grover, “On the nature and purposes of limited government” Cherokee National Enquirer, June 2003.
Congratulations, Matthew. According to Price Waterhouse, you’re entitled to your choice of a Wo’C mug, a copy of Better Living Through Bad Movies, or a guest post at World O’ Crap on the topic of your choice. Send me an email and let me know which you prefer.
And thanks to all our beautiful contestants. The swimsuit competiton was a little rough going in spots, but the talent portion was an unalloyed delight. When Jonah’s book is finally published, I’ll have my great-grandchildren page through it and see how close your predictions proved to be.
16 Responses to “And The Ghostwriter IS…!”
Congratulations, Matthew! Speech! Speech!
Footnotes! Footnotes!
I knew Matthew struck Gold from the moment I read it! Kudos! Standing O!
First, thanks to all who voted for me. I couldn’t have done it
without you unless I got it together to start my own blog or something.
And thanks in particular to Scott and s.z. for running this place. They
set the bar, I’m just the tender.
Second, I’d like to thank the man without whom none of this would have been possible—no, not Jesus, but Doughbob Loadpants. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I say that being readily imitable is a pathetic plea for attention. “Flatter me! Imitate me! Preorder me! Did I mention the NRO Cruise?”
But seriously, you know, I think that somewhere deep inside each of us, there’s a little pantload just trying to get out. And for whatever reason—too much frisee at lunch? a longstanding affection for Hofstadter’s “Paranoid Style” essay?—mine just plooped right out that day. Welcome to the world, little pantload! As Matthew Modine memorably put it in Full Metal Jacket, “We live in a world of shit.” And Jonah and I are just doing our part.
Finally, to settle the suspense, I’m going to opt for the book. Like a junkie who won’t drink because, dammit, I have high standards, I’d better not choose the guest-post option lest I lose my jones for commenting.
Second, I’d like to thank the man without whom none of this would have been possible—no, not Jesus, but Doughbob Loadpants. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I say that being readily imitable is a pathetic plea for attention. “Flatter me! Imitate me! Preorder me! Did I mention the NRO Cruise?”
But seriously, you know, I think that somewhere deep inside each of us, there’s a little pantload just trying to get out. And for whatever reason—too much frisee at lunch? a longstanding affection for Hofstadter’s “Paranoid Style” essay?—mine just plooped right out that day. Welcome to the world, little pantload! As Matthew Modine memorably put it in Full Metal Jacket, “We live in a world of shit.” And Jonah and I are just doing our part.
Finally, to settle the suspense, I’m going to opt for the book. Like a junkie who won’t drink because, dammit, I have high standards, I’d better not choose the guest-post option lest I lose my jones for commenting.
[...] egalia wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick
excerpt[fn 1130] Anyway, Schmitt argued that parliamentary democracy was
bound to be paralyzed by opposing interest groups lobbying the state
for handouts [fn 1131], and he and Hitler and Hitlery Clinton [tm] all
seem to think that’s just … [...]
Still, congratulations are in order for the grit and
determination he displayed in dumping a suspicious brown sack on his
publisher’s porch, ringing the doorbell, and wheezing away to hide in
the bushes and snigger.
…until he realises he forgot to set fire to it.
I assume Mr Garth’s sample is representative of the final, printed work. I feel that if there is a God, a copy of the becheetoed original manuscript should definitely fall into the wrong hands.
Would another competition to rewrite this winning entry “as submitted to publisher” be too meta?
And Matthew, anybody who frees their Inner Pantload in my presence can expect a short, sharp visit from Mister Short Sharp Instrument.
…until he realises he forgot to set fire to it.
I assume Mr Garth’s sample is representative of the final, printed work. I feel that if there is a God, a copy of the becheetoed original manuscript should definitely fall into the wrong hands.
Would another competition to rewrite this winning entry “as submitted to publisher” be too meta?
And Matthew, anybody who frees their Inner Pantload in my presence can expect a short, sharp visit from Mister Short Sharp Instrument.
Huzzah! Go with the book, Matthew, if you don’t already have it.
It’s not like there are a lot of us here who skip the comments threads
anyway, so whatever you have to say will be read even if it’s not
front-paged. 
Besides, life is looking to keep sucking for another year and a half or so, and the book provides excellent escapist amusement.
Besides, life is looking to keep sucking for another year and a half or so, and the book provides excellent escapist amusement.
Matthew Garth! I want to bear your children!
Oh. [Stares into checkbook register thoughtfully.] Been there, done that. Please accept instead a piping-hot a) batch of virtual cinnamon buns, b) homemade ciabatta, or c) chocolate-dipped madeleines and biscotti–hell, take all three–freshly made by my own fair hands at Casa Biscuitbarrel, where the oven rarely cools down very much!
May I borrow Mister Short Sharp Implement, Mentis Fugit? I’ll bring it back clean…
Oh. [Stares into checkbook register thoughtfully.] Been there, done that. Please accept instead a piping-hot a) batch of virtual cinnamon buns, b) homemade ciabatta, or c) chocolate-dipped madeleines and biscotti–hell, take all three–freshly made by my own fair hands at Casa Biscuitbarrel, where the oven rarely cools down very much!
May I borrow Mister Short Sharp Implement, Mentis Fugit? I’ll bring it back clean…
Matthew Garth! I want to bear your children!
Oh! An SCTV Ref! My day is made!
Oh! An SCTV Ref! My day is made!
Is an inner pantload worse than Jonah’s little red button? ‘Cause
they’re both gonna give me nightmares, assuming I ever get any sleep.
Congrats, Matthew! (Ya little showoff with the footnotes and ibids and so forth and so on…)
Good choice on picking Scott & S.Z.’s book — even though I totally lamed-out on the multiple plugs that I did for the book on my totally lame blog, it really will make you laugh out-loud, over and over again. When I received my copy, it arrived at the best time possible, as I was trying to scourge every single remnant of Dullard McDumbass out of my life, brain, soul, and apartment, and only two wonderful people as sick, demented, and anal-retentive about details could have made me laugh out loud. And thusly they did. Multiple times. Better than sex, especially with Dullard McDumbass, the boy who made me love my a/c-current back massager even more than I ever loved him.
Yes, I’m jealous that you won the competition, but I’m always glad to see more people get to read “Better Living Through Bad Movies” — if I ever get to do road trips again, I’m going to order a case of them, to leave in motel rooms as I steal the Gideon bibles to use as packing material for shipping souvenirs home.
And if I never hear the phrase, “Jonah’s little red button” again, it’ll be too soon. Some of us were eating DINNER, y’know. Gack. I’d wager that his little red button is still smaller than even the most stunted clitoris on the planet.
Good choice on picking Scott & S.Z.’s book — even though I totally lamed-out on the multiple plugs that I did for the book on my totally lame blog, it really will make you laugh out-loud, over and over again. When I received my copy, it arrived at the best time possible, as I was trying to scourge every single remnant of Dullard McDumbass out of my life, brain, soul, and apartment, and only two wonderful people as sick, demented, and anal-retentive about details could have made me laugh out loud. And thusly they did. Multiple times. Better than sex, especially with Dullard McDumbass, the boy who made me love my a/c-current back massager even more than I ever loved him.
Yes, I’m jealous that you won the competition, but I’m always glad to see more people get to read “Better Living Through Bad Movies” — if I ever get to do road trips again, I’m going to order a case of them, to leave in motel rooms as I steal the Gideon bibles to use as packing material for shipping souvenirs home.
And if I never hear the phrase, “Jonah’s little red button” again, it’ll be too soon. Some of us were eating DINNER, y’know. Gack. I’d wager that his little red button is still smaller than even the most stunted clitoris on the planet.
And if I never hear the phrase, “Jonah’s little red button” again, it’ll be too soon. Some of us were eating DINNER, y’know. Gack. I’d wager that his little red button is still smaller than even the most stunted clitoris on the planet.Oh. Jonah has an outie? Who knew?
And congrats, Matt! The book is a great choice, though I woulda lurved to read the guest post. It woulda been a shame for you to lose amateur status, though.
[looks around, surveys teh horizon. still no sign of s.z.]
Drat.
I couldn’t decide who to vote for, but Matt is totally deserving.
My favorite footnote is definetly “1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead…”
Wonderfully scholarly and irrelavant.
My favorite footnote is definetly “1126: A remarkably useful product produced by pulp and paper producer Mead…”
Wonderfully scholarly and irrelavant.
In related news, Karl Rove was seen near the voting boxes, switching butterfly ballots from Britisher…
Scott, you do realize, don’t you, that “goo” means “shit” in some
languages? (Wipes eyes) It couldn’t happen to a more deserving person.
Congrats, Matt.
[...] Well, that just hurts. He doesn’t even know we exist! And
God knows what Tbogg and Roy Edroso must be thinking … not to mention
The Editors, Norbizness, World O’ Crap and Jesus’ General. Pinko Punko
is on suicide watch. [...]
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