The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Monday, September 12, 2011

He’s Dead…Murdered!…And Somebody’s Responsible!

Via Ken Levine, I found this YouTube compilation of David Caruso’s Greatest Sunglasses Putting On Moments from CSI: Miami, and it reminded me of how much this show annoys s.z. (For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, Caruso’s character, Horatio Caine, is a cop with a weakness for 800 dollar suits, womany Italian sunglasses, and Joe Friday-like zingers full of pith and vinegar, and delivered with the pacing and brio of a Pinter play.) Below is a bit on CSI: Miami, taken from this pensee on irritating TV shows that s.z. wrote for the old site, and below that, the video…in question. Put on your sunglasses…and…Enjoy.

“CSI: Miami”

We hate “CSI: Miami.” Why do we watch it? Well, partly because we have nothing else to do Monday nights at 9:00. But more, we watch it to hate.

When we heard the promo stating that one of the “CSI: Miami” cast would die in the season premiere, we hoped that it would be Horatio Caine. We hate him with the heat of 1000 suns. It’s one of those satanic confluences of an an annoying actor and an annoying character that together rise above annoyingness to reach, um, hatability.

We hate the way he talks — both the way David Caruso reads a line, and the stupid lines they give him to read. For instance, one his team will say something obvious like, “Hey, a dead body!” And EVERY TIME Horatio will reply with something portentous and pompous, like “Not dead … murdered. And it’s our job to catch murderers.” He’ll say it like everybody should be thanking him for pointing this out, because they’re, like, such idiots that without him they would have thought their job was to wear designer clothes and look hot. Oh, wait, that IS their job.

And then crime scene investigator Horatio will single-handedly wrestle a gang of murderous rappers to the ground, and will later later show up at their execution so he can quip something like, “You thought it was cool to hook kids on crack. Let’s see how cool you are in the electric chair, my friend.”

And then he will promise some cute little kid that he, Horatio Caine, will make sure that the kid never gets scared by anything ever again in his life. And then he will be sadly misunderstood by the Italian supermodel/cop who is the widow of his junkie brother, and spend the last five minutes of the program brooding about how life is, like, so unfair.

Anyway, like I said, I hoped that Horatio would be the one who died last week. But I figured that he really wouldn’t be, since Miami would presumably be buried under the weight of the inhabitants incompetence if he wasn’t there to tell cops that it was their job to catch murderers. So, I figured that it would be the Italian supermodel/cop who would bite the bullet, because (a) her accent makes her hard to understand, and (b) it would give Horatio a whole season’s worth of brooding fodder.

But no, it turned out to be Speed, the scruffy guy — the only one on the show with enough smarts (and gumption) to roll his eyes when Horatio gave one of his lectures on what their job is. A hot young Hispanic man was briefly shown working in the lab — we presume he will be Speed’s replacement. They should just change the name of the program to “CSI: Supermodels” and be done with it. Then there wouldn’t be any reason at all that the coroner can’t show up at crime scenes in a bikini, instead of the skimpy tank tops that she wears now.
Exhibit A:

29 Responses to “He’s Dead…Murdered!…And Somebody’s Responsible!”

Of all of the painful aspects of this sub-par franchise (why in the FUCK can’t either of the CSI spinoffs afford to hire actual WRITERS like the original?!??!?!!), the one that hit me first and has driven me nuts through the entire existence of this piece of dreck is David Caruso’s character’s NAME.
Horatio fucking CANE.
Tres’ sensitive, non? Considering how many people in Southern Florida, the Redneck Riviera, and the entire Gulf South have DIED because of fucking hurricanes.
I’ve seen cheesy shit in my day, I’m a huge fan of Ed Wood movies, I even like to torment myself with those 2/$1 DVD b&w schlock that they sell at Fred’s Super Dollar Store. But naming the main character of a show set in Miami HORATIO FUCKING CANE — that is, without a doubt, the tackiest thing that I’ve ever seen on television, including every idiotic and over-sedated word to fall out of Laura Bush’s thorazine-slanted mouth.
Caruso should be put to sleep, honestly. I like the little blonde girl from Baton Rouge, and I love the woman who plays the female coroner, but they killed off the one character that I actually liked, the guy from “Dazed & Confused.” But there is no hope of Caruso ever becoming an actual “actor,” so please, somebody, put him out of my misery. SOON. And then go after those mongoloid fucktards that they call “writers” on the two worst franchise schlock pieces of shit, because my 4-year-old brilliant curly-haired great-niece could write CIRCLES around those fucking morons.
I used to think that Gary Sinise was a really talented actor, until I found out that not only was he willing to work on that hackneyed “CSI:NY” shit, but that he’s a REPUBLICUNT, to boot. CBS should be drawn & quartered for sullying the brilliance of the original CSI with those two cunt-fart excuses for spin-offs.
BTW, Scott, please continue to send S.Z. all of my love, and my sincere hope that SHE hasn’t been eaten by the menagerie that took over her house, and thank you again and again and again for helping with the kittehs fundraising. You rawk like a mofo, bigger than Whitesnake’s hair and faulty homemade pyrotechnics.
Ditto on the love to S.Z., though my personal opinion is not that she’s been eaten by cats but that she’s busy sorting out the AG thing and finding the evidence that will force–yes, force!–Bush to finally fire Alberto Gonzales, Andy Card, and Barney the Dog, though Barney may find a way to pin it on Miss Beazley. He’s a Bush male, after all, and they don’t take responsibility of there’s a scapegoat handy.
Personally, I hate CSI Miami for the same reason I hate all CSI shows: every time I walk through the goddamned living room, someone is dissecting a body with squishy noises and discussing cannibalism. I’m not sure who their writers are, but someone should probably organize a search of their freezers.
I dunno, maybe I just have a higher threshold for gross-squishy noises/objects, when I know that they’re fake.
When I see real blood (that isn’t mine) and real separated bodies/body parts, I hurl from the toenails up. But knowing that the shit on TV and in movies is fake is the only way that I can deal with it. Before CGI, I could even tell you HOW they did the makeup/gore/gushy body parts. But then, nobody does REAL gore anymore except for Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino, and they OVERdo it.
The guy who created the original (Las Vegas) CSI isn’t a serial killer, he was a fucking VALET PARKER at a casino who witnessed a few crime scene break-downs and was nosy enough to watch the CSI techs do their jobs, and that’s where the idea came from, and with the right technical experts to advise them, that’s how the writing staff does it. No Gacy-esque babies under the house, no teeny-tiny small-mammal torture sites or graves in the backyard. Just a guy who got a good idea and somehow managed to get an agent to look at his script, the one thing that has stymied me all of my writing life.
Lucky bastid.
Thank you for the most inspiring post. I love when people speak out openly what I think.
I would like to quote you if you don’t mind.
Oh, it’s good to hear from s.z. again, even if it’s just an old post. Please add my greetings and well wishes to the others! God, I HATE CSI:Miami, and this post is such a perfect statement of all the reasons why! But I’m with Annti (as usual), I love all kinds of silly, farcical stuff and I love the original CSI (my kids and I schedule our Thursday evenings around it). Sorry, DS, it’s that squishy, gooey, gross stuff that makes it such FUN! I think the capper was that episode where the poor, fat compulisve overeater guy died and they had to inspect the contents of his stomach!!! And somebody invariably cracks a bad joke while holding up a severed limb or an eyeball or something. Heh! Great stuff.
I’ve never seen those shows, and was only able to get about 1/4″ into the above video. (The bar-thingy was about 1/4″ along when I tried to “STOP STOP STOP! You’re KILLING me!” it) That guy is creepy.
you forgot the thing that irritates me to no end. the putting on and taking off of his sunglasses to accentuate the Cheesy dialogue. Also when he talks to Khandi Alexxander’s charac tere, he always, always says “Aaaalex, what do we have here”
I’ve heard that the adorable Canadian actor Brendan Fehr (Roswell) has a recurring lab tech role in CSI:Miami, but I hate that show so much I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it, even to see him.
Yeah, I agree: Original CSI brilliant, spinoffs, ACK!!!
What’s the deal with the bald-headed chickenfucker in the Lt. Brass role, the one with the lipless sphincter for a mouth? ALWAYS in a bad mood like his wife had to administer a suppository that morning.
It’s not even gross/squishy per se… It’s the fact that I only go into the living room on my way to the kitchen, so every time I’m making dinner, I get to hear detailed discussions of cannibalism. And at top volume, because my idiot housemate is hard of hearing and downloads all her TV shows so she can’t even use the closed captioning.
So my objection is not so much “Eew, gross”, because we all know I dig monster movies, but would probably be better explained as “Not while I’m *eating*, dammit!”
Oh jeebus! Do I fucking HATE that fucking show.
Even if I’ve had enough wine to let the supermodel aspect pander to my prurient side…
Just catching passing glimpses of it chokes me down somewhere between apoplexy and projectile vomiting.
And just thinking of that STUPID bald fucktard of a cop makes me wish I could eat my own head from the inside…
But hey, at least they got over that idiotic phase of ol’ Ho’ putting his sunglasses on his neck.
Boy, THAT trend really took off!
And yes, you touched a nerve.
What are YOU lookin’ at?
And they use a goddam Who song!
I’ll have to check it out after I get home. We have YouTube (and MySpace) blocked at work.
We just added a new touch today. When you try to access either site from our network, you’re redirected to this.
Heh. Realist, I love the way that you think.
And HeyDave, they ALLLLLLL three use Who songs — once Entwhistle died, Roger & Pete went ALL-OUT in the WHORING bidness. How much MORE money do they fucking NEED, anyway?!?!??!!?
Wow! Suckalicious!
Thanks, I really needed the laugh tonight!
(Blogspamming for a good cause, dammit.)
I’ve hated him since NYPD Blue. I was damn glad when he left that show.
Caruso was in a limited run movie a few years back; something about gutting the ol’ asylum building, very supernatural themed. He didn’t suck so bad then; guess he got over it.
Of course, he was killed in that movie, so maybe I just liked it because of that.
heydave – that’s a great little creeper named Session 9 that I liked a lot too.
I don’t get the whole CSI thing at all. I really don’t understand the love for the original which has to be the most smug and uninspired shite I’ve seen on TV since Nash Bridges, which explains the diminishing returns on the cast-offs I suppose.
My mom absolutely loves stuff like Murder She Wrote, Matlock, etc. and CSI simply smacks of a contemporary update (ie, more stylish clothes and spooky lighting) on that type of turgid, by-the-numbers mystery-cracking that seemingly never fails to hold the rapt attention of complete fucking dolts.
Whoops, I just realized I called my mom a complete fucking dolt, and so soon after her special day too!
Sorry Ma.
Nevertheless, I hold fast to the believe that solving a CSI puzzle is about as complicated as cracking an old Encyclopedia Brown mystery.
Kind of enjoyed Caruso as the smirking gangleader leprechaun (Shamrocks I think the gang was, it’s an irish thing you see) in Hill Street Blues.
And not a single thing since.
The shade-donning compilation was a hoot and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell it means when “the verdict is in, Frank– but the jury is still out.”
“jlo” — you also just called a whole lot of US “complete fucking dolts,” too.
Thanks ever so.
And I was a huge fan of Encyclopedia Brown — when I was SIX.
But don’t start shit around here by picking on people’s taste in TV shows or calling names because of what shows we like — this is a TV/movie-loving crowd here, and that just ain’t fucking KOSHER.
Vosburg, do ANY of his snarky pointless little lines EVER make any fucking sense? He does no exposition, none of his lines or deeds forward the action whatsofuckingever — he’s like the Greek chorus, only WITH NO FUCKING POINT OR EXPOSITION.
At least hang around a while and make friends before calling people complete fucking dolts, anyway. We seem to take that kind of thing better when we know you. Of course, “taking that kind of thing better” tends to mean calling you a complete fucking dolt for various reasons as well. But we mean it with love, I expect.
The only reason I watch the show is for the helicopter fly-bys. My best friend lives in a high-rise off the coast, and I like to see if his building shows up (as well as other areas I am familiar with.)
Other than that, the show is crap. Give me the original CSI any time.
[...] [...]
Question. How many morons out there actually believe what they see on those garbage CSI shows is actually true? Well boys and girls, sadly — millions.
Take this scenario. A rare, hard to find rope was used to create a corpse of some poor slob. Yep, it was gonna be hard to find who might sell this rope. Hold it – no it ain’t. Let’s fire up our CSI Rope Database which will search the inventory of every store on the planet. Yep, it worked.
Let’s whip right over to these stores and see who bought this rope. We’ll then have suspects and eventually nail the killer.
Listen up CSI dickheads. There ain’t no rope database.
CSI do not track down leads. I have seen episodes where they stake-out suspects waiting for them to leave behind a DNA sample. Listen up CSI twitbrains — IT’S MADE UP.
How can anyone enjoy a television show that is crap from start to finish.
Speaking of cops. Have you ever noticed that Brass cop on the regular CSI series always works the same shift as the CSI gang does? Caruso cop guy from Miami always looks at people sideways. He also pays a lot of hospital bills and funeral expenses for crime victims. He is one swell man.
You may have noticed the CSI shows have a database to search anything. They can search people’s private medical records to see what drugs a person has purchased. Here is the scenario from CSI Miami. I could have it backwards, not being an insulin expert, but this is the general idea.
CSI twits have determined that the murderer uses insulin because the murder scene has a sweet smell, which supposedly insulin does when a person is getting low. The suspect they are interviewing doesn’t stink, but his limo does. Holy smokes, CSI now knows said suspect uses insulin. Good thing they smelled inside the limo. CSI hunches that the suspect must have injected just before committing the dreadful deed this time around. No problem for CSI. They search a database for all people who bought insulin in the last 24 hours, and yes, the suspects name is on the list. Get real CSI. There ain’t no way, ever, that this is plausible. It would mean they can search every pharmacist’s database anytime they damn well feel like it. Duh. How did they get permission to do this? I guess all pharmacies are required by law to let the police search people’s private records. More Duh!
Anytime a CSI person has a hunch about something, they sit their sweet ass down at a computer, and just start typing. Poof, up pops an answer. There was no need to actually find the correct non-existant database first, then search.
CSI’s are experts of all trades. They can inspect a car from top to bottom to determine if someone was messin with it. They can analyze a cars electronics just like that and understand what the data means. Wow! It takes a real mechanic a long time to learn this.
Holy Smokes CSI writers. Here is an idea for a spinoff. The show is about a mechanic who just happens to be an expert in all things CSI.
Stay tuned CSI lovers. More idiotic scenarios coming soon.
And here is another as promised.
CSI gang is at the home of some suspect. They lift a fingerprint from some object. It just so happens that one of the gang has the set of fingerprints with them of the person who committed the crime. The two are compared, but not with any scientific means, just by a casual glance, and guess what – they match. Crime solved.
Same scenario as above, this time one of the gang has a transparent image of a tire tread with them. He puts this image on a tire of the suspect vehicle and instantly declares “It’s a match” Yeah, well it will match thousands of other tires as well. A match is found by finding some irregularity. How did he know which tire to compare? Maybe the irregularity was on the bottom of the tire. Maybe in real life the tires would need to be removed, taken to the lab where some kind of established comparing method has to be used.
In the meantime all of those CSI FREAKS should be required by law to increase your intelligence about the real world of CSI.

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