*Or, what he thinks they NEED, at least
Dr, Mike, the Sage of Wilmington, has temporarily abandoned his usual beat (complaining about his university colleagues) to aid womankind by giving the weaker sex some much-needed advice.
As I noted a couple of days ago, Dr. Mike stood up for women when his imaginary friend was putting them down in “Real Men Don’t Do Pornography.” Let’s join him for the set-up:
A divorced friend of mine was complaining to me recently about the pool of women available to him here in the coastal Carolina region. His specific complaint was that too many (I think he said “all”) of the women were carrying too much baggage to have a successful relationship.
Now I may be wrong, but I strongly suspect that this divorced friend, instead of being another of Dr. Mike’s fictional personages, is actually … Dr. Mike. A quick check of Dr. Mike’s Town Hall bio reveals that he no longer ”loves spending time with his wife, Krysten,” leading us to conclude that Krysten grew up and wised up, leaving Dr. Mike without a better half.
Dr. Mike isn’t doing too well after the divorce, if we are to believe this photo that accompanies his column
But anyway, Dr. Mike sets his “friend” straight:
It is much more accurate to say that most adult women are profoundly wounded and scarred by the things that “men” have done to them when they were not really acting like men. Below, I’ve listed a few examples:
Yeah, all women don’t have “too much baggage,” they’ve just been screwed up by men. Now, here is a summary of Dr. Mike’s Rules for Real Men, to keep them from damaging the tender psyches of the ladies:
Real Men Do Not Go To Topless Bars.
I agree with Dr. Mike that patronizing topless bars is not what good Christian men should be doing. I also agree that such establishments are often linked to organized crime and that they exploit vulnerable women. However, I wonder why Dr. Mike’s “friend” is trying to date topless dancers?
Real Men Do Not View Pornography. I recently asked an Obama supporter whether he ever viewed pornography on the internet. He said he did “occasionally.” I asked whether he would ever want his daughter to star in a porn flick. He said “never.” When I reminded him that the porn star has parents, too, he vowed to reconsider his continued viewing of internet pornography.
And I once asked a McCain supporter when he stopped beating his wife. He got all nervous, started to hyperventilate, had a heart attack, and died. True story. Or not. The point is that pornography forces you to find other people sexually attractive, so then you have no choice but to cheat on your wife, get divorced, and damage your kids. Remember that when you are voting for Obama!
Now for the real meat of Dr. Mike’s treatise:
Real Men Do Not Have Sex With Women They Do Not Intend To Marry. I once read a survey indicating that the number of sex partners a woman has in a lifetime is only a fraction of the number of sex partners a man has in a lifetime. This can be explained by two factors: 1) men lie in an upward direction when asked how many people they’ve slept with and, 2) women lie in a downward direction when asked how many people they’ve slept with.
Or. it could mean that men are having sex with other men. Just something to think about, Dr. Mike.
Okay, you can stop thinking about it now, Dr, Mike. Dr. Mike? Yoo hoo, are you there? Hey, we have to move on now, and get to the part about how unreal men are ruining women for you.
This becomes a problem later on in marriage when a woman is unable to forgive herself for having a lot of sex partners. This guilt is biologically, and not culturally, induced.
Really??? There is such a thing as biologic guilt? And it is what causes women to feel that they shouldn’t sleep with more than one man? Interesting. (Well, Dr, Mike is a professor in the social sciences department of a major university, so he would know.)
And once a woman has lied about her past to a prospective husband, she cannot communicate with him about her guilt. The couple begins to have problems whose true origins are never addressed.
Um, okay. Yes, Dr. Mike, I’m sure you have discovered the the true cause of most of the divorces worldwide. (Does anyone else think we now might know a little too much for comfort about why Dr. Mike thinks his marriage ended?)
But fortunately, Dr. Mike has devised a way to save marriage.
The only solution to this problem is for men to stop having sex with women they do not intend to marry. Men have it within their power to stop contaminating the future-wife pool. A little self-control can do a lot to strengthen a dying institution.
But sadly, all the contaminated women will have to be herded off to internment camps, or perhaps just humanely euthanized. However, the new crop of future-wives will remain pure and unsullied, as long as men stop deflowering the ones they don’t intend to buy. (Which is why we are happy to hear that there is a White House Shot-Gun Wedding in the works for 17-year-old Bristol Palin and her 18-year-old beau.)
Real Men Do Not Engage In Post-Marital Sex. Saying “I used to be married” is a pretty lame excuse for engaging in post-marital sex. And, if you have children, especially girls, there’s a really good reason to avoid it. Put simply, if you have young girls and you start having sex after marriage your girls will find out about it from your ex-wife. Of course, your ex-wife will have learned about it from your mutual friends.
So, the real problem is that women are blabber-mouths! But anyway, if you do have sex after you are divorced, and your girl-children find out about it, then they will become sluts. So, you’re ruining it for the other guys with your selfish sex drive!
Real Men Never Relinquish the Role of Spiritual Head of the Household. God did not give the Ten Commandments to a woman. Nor did He send his only begotten daughter to save womankind. If your potential spouse has trouble understanding this, you need to reconsider your relationship.
If your potential wife can’t understand that she is an inferior creature whom God created to cook your supper and fetch your slippers, then don’t marry her, because she is rock-stupid and you don’t want dumb kids.Oh, and if your kids can’t understand that you are their lord and master for life, then you should consider stoning them. After all, God created them to make you look good, so you should get rid of the ones that don’t make the grade.
And once your children are grown, your leadership obligation continues. If your child has strayed spiritually – whether into paganism or atheism – it may or may not be the result of poor modeling on your behalf. Regardless, men have an obligation to fight for their children’s spiritual redemption. A man’s willingness to do so determines whether he leaves behind a legacy that glorifies God or one that glorifies Satan.
And if your child does stray into paganism (doesn’t think that all non-Baptists are going to Hell) or into atheism (becomes a Democrat), it probably is YOUR fault for having looked at porn that one time, and since your everlasting legacy glorifies Satan instead of God, you might as well just kill yourself.
In a future installment, I will deal with the issue of “real women.” That installment will talk about the things women are doing to hurt other women. “Real Women” will include, among other things, a comprehensive discussion of fake boobies, why I don’t like them, and how they contribute to global warming.
I, for one, can hardly wait. But I don’t have to, because Dr. Mike has already penned It’s Time to Like Put Your B**bies Up! In it, Dr. Mike berates some poor waitress for showing too much cleavage when she tried to get herself a college education. He also explains why nobody with a tattoo will ever get a job.
I have to go adopt out a cat now, but when I come back we can all sit at the feet of Dr. Mike and take in some more of his wisdom. But here’s something to ponder until then:
Tongue Rings. A woman gets her tongue pierced with a ball for one reason and one reason only… Would you ever walk into a job interview with a sign saying “I love certain sexual acts”? Not unless you want to be a prostitute. And prostitutes don’t really need college degrees, do they?
Posted by s.z. on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm.