The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Hugh Hewitt In: Boners Of Foreign Wars

The Iraq war has fallen off the front pages lately, but by studying recent statements from the McCain campaign, we can determine the following:
  • The Surge has worked!
  • The Surge is working!
  • The Surge will work, even though the Surge is over.
This may at first seem confusing, until you realize that the key to McCain’s war strategy is verb tense.  Because even though the Surge has worked, is working, and will work, we can still lose the war, even though we’ve won it, we’re winning it, and we will, at some future point, win it.  At this point, counter-insurgency doctrine calls for introducing fewer cluster bombs into the battlespace, and more School House Rock videos.
But with Operation Iraqi Freedom advancing smoothly from the pluperfect subjunctive to the past perfect progressive, .i.e, we would have won the war if we had not already been winning it, it’s time to turn our sights upon fresh targets.  Like that formerly titillating skin mag that now lies forgotten at the back of the closet, its pages dogeared and adhesive, the Iraq war no longer exerts the same hydraulic effect on the manly nether regions.  The once glamorous neo-con courtesan is now a frowsy pavement princess haunting the alleyways behind, selling her tarnished favors for the price of a glass of absinthe.  Fortunately, there’s a New Girl in Town, and Hugh Hewitt’s got her!
First, did you see McCain’s strong and principled response to Russia’s rape of Georgia?
It’s the breathless, gossipy tone that lets you know you’re in for a serious discussion of geo-strategic issues.  Followed by a screening ofPorky’s.
It was a great political moment because it was first and foremost a great American moment wherein a leader stood up for the victims of totalitarian aggression.
In this case, the victim was a bit like a guy who, noticing a hungry bear pawing through his garbage, steps out and heaves a rock at it, then turns to run back inside, only to discover the door’s locked and he forgot his keys. Still, a great American moment.
If you were still having trouble getting motivated about the fall campaign, the crisis in Georgia should remind you of the stakes…
I think we all know what “having trouble getting motivated” means in this case, so ask your doctor if the Rape of Georgia is right for you.
You still aren’t over your disappointment that Fred or Mitt or Mike isn’t the nominee?
Yeah, thanks Hugh, but as tough as it was, it turns out my heart will go on.
Have you read through the Obama response to the Corsi book? It was intended to bury Corsi but it in fact resurrected all of the doubts about Obama’s background and shady pals. Skip the Corsi book…
Why go through a middle man when you can get your White Supremacy direct from Stormfront?
…and order David Freddoso’s The Case Against Barack Obama for all the reasons you’ll ever need to work hard against the Dalibama.
Wow, first a recommendation from NewsMax, and now Huge Hewitt?  Frodo really is The One!
Still not off the bench? Do you want energy for the country’s future? McCain’s not there yet on ANWR, but after the Russian lurch towards Georgia’s pipeline, the national security case for exploring ANWR got stronger.
Yes, if we can just hold the Russians off for ten years, then we’ll have a good six months of thumbing our energy independent noses at the Kremlin, providing the companies who drill in ANWR don’t turn around and sell the crude on the world market.  Whoo hoo!  (As we speak, I’m picking out the pants I’m going to wear when we all turn and moon Moscow in 2018; something baggy with an elastic waistband usually works best…)
Perhaps McCain will save an ANWR announcement for his acceptance speech, but even if he doesn’t, McCain is solidly behind both coastal exploration and rapid development of the scores of new nuke plants that we need.
Under a McCain presidency, nuclear power plants will be like Starbucks — plentiful, conveniently located, and staffed by high school dropouts working for minimum wage and tips.
Personally, I hope he names Romney as veep while announcing that he’s putting Romney in charge of a team that will include the Secretaries of Energy and Commerce and charge them with revitalizing the country’s energy and automobile sectors.
I don’t know why, exactly, but this sentence reminds me an awful lot of the speech Rita Moreno’s prostitute delivers to Jack Nicholson’s flaccid penis at the end of Carnal Knowledge.
If he does that and sends Romney off to ANWR in early September on a fact-finding trip and then on a week of intense talks in Detroit with the struggling captains of the car business, the already-stable McCain campaign will start to surge. The energy that the Romney organization would bring in places like Nevada and Colorado would be enormous, and the contrast of McCain-Romney to Obama-Anyone would be immense. We could actually win this thing.
LOUISE:  That’s why they try to cut you down, because your knowledge of yourself and them is so right, so true, that it exposes the lies by which they, every scheming one of them, live by. It takes a true woman to understand that the purest form of love is of a man who denies himself to her, of a man who inspires worship, because he has no need for any woman. Because he has himself, and who is better, more beautiful, more powerful, more perfect… you’re getting hard… more strong, more masculine, more extraordinary, more… bust. It’s rising, it’s rising… more virile, domineering. More irresistible. It’s up, it’s in the air… 
Okay, that’s it for me.  I need a cigarette.
Posted by scott on August 15th, 2008

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