The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

And I thought Oedipus Was Confused…!

Over at Townhall, talk radio host and ex-Presidential child Michael Reagan experienced a vision of his dead father, and it’s apparently inspired an impromptu Iwo Jima flag-raising ceremony in his pants.
Wednesday night I watched the Republican National Convention on television and there, before my very eyes, I saw my Dad reborn; only this time he’s a she.
And what a she!
In his book On Skeeviness, Freud recounts a similar case.  The patient, Ernst W., initially described dreams of a vaguely sexual nature involving his mother.  Under hypnosis, the patient was able to recall other dreams, in which his late father Klaus returned from the grave with large breasts and a dirndle, so they could have a three-way.
Anyway, if I’m following Michael’s logic, Ronald Reagan has been resurrected and forced to live life as a woman, so he can atone for his sins against the fairer sex and learn to be a better man.  Or to put it another way:
In one blockbuster of a speech, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin resurrected my Dad’s indomitable spirit and sent it soaring above the convention center, shooting shock waves through the cynical media’s assigned spaces and electrifying the huge audience with the kind of inspiring rhetoric we haven’t heard since my Dad left the scene.
So she caused an earthquake, then hit delegates with lightning.  I don’t think Palin is channeling Ronald Reagan.  I think she’s possessed byThe Mighty Thor.
This was Ronald Reagan at his best — the same Ronald Reagan who made the address known now solely as “The Speech,” which during the Goldwater campaign set the tone and the agenda for the rebirth of the traditional conservative movement that later sent him to the White House for eight years and revived the moribund GOP.
So the Republican party has been summoning Walking Dead to their national conventions for over forty years now.  But at least back in ’64 they didn’t reserve plum, prime time speaking slots for the tranny zombies.
Much has been made of the fact that she is a woman. What we saw last night, however, was something much more than a just a woman accomplishing something no Republican woman has ever achieved. What we saw was a red-blooded American with that rare, God-given ability to rally her dispirited fellow Republicans and take up the daunting task of leading them — and all her fellow Americans — on a pilgrimage to that shining city on the hill my father envisioned as our nation’s real destination.
Sadly though, the American People wouldn’t stop roughhousing in the backseat and whining about who gets to sit next to the window, and Reagan had to make good on his threat to “turn this car around” before we actually got there.
In a few words she managed to rip the mask from the faces of her Democratic rivals and reveal them for what they are –
The Lizard People from V!
a pair of old-fashioned liberals making promises that cannot be kept without bankrupting the nation and reducing most Americans to the status of mendicants begging for their daily bread at the feet of an all-powerful government.
That’s the promise of old-fashioned liberalism in a nutshell; although somehow it sounded better when FDR said it.
Most important, by comparing her own stunning record of achievement with his, she showed Barack Obama for the sham that he is, a man without any solid accomplishments beyond conspicuous self-aggrandizement.
She killed a moose and tried to involve the state government in a wacky scheme to get her brother-in-law fired.  It’s either a stunning record of achievement, or an episode of I Love Lucy if, instead of Philip Morris, they’d been sponsored by the NRA
Like Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin is one of us.
Not.  A.  Lizard!
Her astonishing rise up from the grass-roots, her total lack of self-importance, and her ordinary American values and modest lifestyle reveal her to be the kind of hard-working, optimistic, ordinary American who made this country the greatest, most powerful nation on the face of the earth.
This isn’t political analysis.  This is that crumpled, moist, slightly smeary note you leave in the locker of that incredibly cute girl from Home Room who gives you wet dreams, after you tried and failed to talk to during Nutrition Break.
As hard as you might try, you won’t find that kind of plain-spoken, down-to-earth, self-reliant American in the upper ranks of the liberal-infested, elitist Democratic Party, or in the Obama campaign.
So rest easy Democrats.  Yes, you may be infested with liberals, your cats may have ringworm, but rest assured that tonight Michael Reagan will not be masturbating to images of you he downloaded off the RNC website.
Sarah Palin didn’t go to Harvard, or fiddle around in urban neighborhood leftist activism
i.e., she didn’t waste her precious youth treating black people like they might have legitimate problems; instead she served her country the All-American way: by getting spiral perms and entering beauty pageants.
Instead she took on the corrupt establishment in Alaska and beat it
Yes!  Beat it!  Beat it hard!  Beat it SAVAGELY…Oh Sarah…!
…rising to the governorship…
Yes!  It’s rising…!
Welcome back, Dad, even if you’re wearing a dress and bearing children this time around.
[Sound of Tires Screeching]
Okay.  This may be the worst slash fiction I’ve ever read.
Posted by scott on September 5th, 2008

No comments:

Post a Comment