The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Doctor Will See You Now…In The BUFF!

Sex-positive chiropractor Melissa Clouthier of Right Wing News, and Playboy’s Girls of the American Osteopathic Society thinks the Democratic Party is just too henpecked and, somehow at the same time, too gay to appreciate Sarah Palin.
For all the feminist empowerment, they sure have problems with sex. And it goes without saying that the metrosexuals unfortunate enough to have to deal with these women are all befuddled, too. Sarah Palin turns strident feminists into church ladies clucking about her mothering. And she turns sex-starved metrosexual men on. (One of these metrosexual, intellectual men, a friend of mine, actually bought the Sarah Palin doll. No, I am not making this up. He’s not sure how to vote yet. But he digs Palin. A lot.)
Or he’s just into voodoo.
Sarah Palin represents a “real” woman.
I’ll just “bet” she does.
She clearly likes men and fraternizes regularly with one hot one, her husband.
Maybe two hot ones, who knows?  Can’t blame a girl in rut for likin’ her some bull moose.
She embraces the life-growing ability of her uterus and has used it for its intended purpose often in her twenty years of marriage.
She’s got a point.  Every feminist of my acquaintance uses her uterus purely for storage.  One keeps her guest towels there, another stores her seasonal decorations, and one particularly enterprising woman I know has turned her womb into a server farm.
Far from being a freak of nature, she’s pretty normal for us fly-over folks. Sex, kids, men–conservative women tend to like these things. A lot. Two neighbors within yards of my house have five kids each. Don’t mess with these women.
They’re feral.
They are tough. And sexy. And smart (college educated). And, yes, Christian.
Remember folks, if you’re not having kids, you’re not enjoying sex.  It’s like starting your car, but never pulling out of the driveway.
What about this sort of woman upsets feminists so? Maxed Out Mama hilariously ponders this:
“When we flyover women dress you, you like to be dressed, if you know what I mean.”
Actually, I don’t.
“Wink, wink.”
That’s not helping.
“Believe me, hon, most American men remain slaves to their pocket rockets right through life. It is our job to make sure that they enjoy their time in service and to lengthen their service life. Pun intended.”
Just get the extended warranty.
“So this is our platform, if it must be about sex:
Join us in the great sexual debauchery of Flyoverland. We, the women of flyover country, ask NYC and Boston and DC and even perhaps SF to send us your hordes of tired, huddled, feminist-taunted and feminist-daunted men. Because we like men, and we like sex, and that, my little puzzled denizens of Metrosexualdom, is and always has been a winning cultural and political platform.”
So…Horny Midwestern housewives seek to have unprotected sex with tidy, well-dressed men who know how to use hair products and practice a stringent skin care regimen.  It’s the 2008 Presidential Election summed up in a single craigslist ad.
“Let’s not kid ourselves – the only people who won’t vote for lots of enjoyable sex are proctologists, due to the impaired profits.”
Because…once the Real Housewives of Madison County make a man of your local metrosexual, he’ll stop seeking to escape sex with feminist prudes by impaling himself on his vacuum cleaner’s drapery attachment.  I guess.  Anyway, back to Bones Clouthier:
Sarah Palin is sexy. She has demonstrable evidence that she has sex–at least five times.
Then I guess this must be the sexiest woman on Earth:
Dr. Clouthier decries the feminist need to denigrate not only women who choose motherhood over career, but also women who choose both, because such an attitude only reinforces the old canard about the tendency of women to sabotage one another.  But then what do you expect, when women are “[t]erritorial and catty, petty and jealous, [and] heaven help the woman who is more beautiful, younger, smarter and gets the hot guy.”
But such political considerations are merely a distraction.  Let’s get back to where the action is — the womb!
A fecund uterus is uniquely female. ladies. … For all the female-centricity, feminists seem exceedingly uncomfortable with sexy, fertile, powerful women.  … Feminists need to get back in touch with their uteri. Far from being the noose around a woman’s neck, the uterus is the seat of a woman’s literal creative power and it doesn’t have to interfere with her other creative powers either.
Feminists need to get okay with female sex and power. It’s liberating.
We’d like to thank all you feminists for attending Dr. Clouthier’s First Annual Conservative Anti-Abstinence Sex Education seminar.  Please join us in Ballroom B for tequila shots, oysters, and green M&Ms.  And no condoms allowed!
Wink, wink.
Posted by scott on September 11th, 2008

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